Waking Up

It's been months since I've been able to focus on anything other than him. Just thinking about that day hurts all over again. He told me I wasn't any good for him. The memories flood back,opening an old wound just as it begins to heal. I just want to delude myself into thinking that maybe, just maybe we could work it out some kind of way. It would have been simple, just one...

Just one bite, and then forever.

Apparently forever was just a bit too long to be around someone so boring, so mundane. I don't know how I even survived this long.

Charlie allows me to mentally shut down for so long, but only because he doesn't want my mental break to be a permanent one. I just constantly feel like I'm waking from a terrible sleep. I have a never-ending crick in my neck, and the weight of the world sitting on my chest and shoulders, crushing me. All the muscle relaxers on the planet couldn't placate this pain. Still, the pain is welcome; it means that I'm finally able to feel something again.

How long have I been sitting here?

It's been days, maybe a week, I can tell by my reeking clothes and the pain in my muscles. I'm becoming an ogre, hasn't anyone noticed? For the first time in what seems like an eternity, I stand. I stretch my legs slowly, forcing life back into my limbs, and then I walk down the hallway to the bathroom to take a look at my face. The damage is always evident there, sunken eyes, dry, cracked lips, and skin almost as pale as a ghost's.

"Or a vampire's," I say aloud

My voice comes out ragged and deep. I haven't spoken in ages, noncommittal grunts and sighs are the basic makeup of conversations amongst moody 16 and 17 year olds, but I'm more than just moody.

I'm broken in every way possible. It shows, as I continue to take inventory on the strange body I've inherited since separating with sanity. I stopped my daily beauty regimens, so my hair has become stringy, to complement the rest of my sickly brain won't let me excute any action dealing with beauty, these days. Besides, what's the point?

I turn the rusty, hollering knobs of the old shower, well, at least I try. My strength is depleted these days. Nutrition was hanging onto beauty's coat-tail when they both exited my life. Finally I get the water to turn after coating the godforsaken instruments with curses. The water is scorching hot, but I don't notice it until I see how red my skin is becoming.

I'm still numb...

I adjust the temperature until the red has become a bright pink. I continue letting that water cascade across my skin until the warm stream turns icy. When I look at myself in the mirror again, my eyes look less sunken, and more bloodshot. My skin has some color, thanks to the too hot water, and my hair is even stringier wet than dry, but I feel better... something that hasn't happened to me in a long time.

I start to my room, and my foot catches on the rug. I fall ungraciously onto the tile floor and I turn my head in time to get up close and personal with the grout.

"A clumsy ogre" I breathe into the floor.

I stumble back to my room and reach for my notebook and continue my daily routine of writing Alice. I know she won't ever see these letters, but it help me in a way to get the thoughts out of my head, just for a little while.

Alice,

Today has started as any other, painful and full of discomfort but its becoming more tolerable. I actually had the strength to care about getting up today, although who knows how long that will last. . . I miss you so much. I wish you would come back, I'm not asking you to stay, just visit. I know this is a ridiculous request but you can't blame me for trying right? I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye to you properly. You were are like a sister to me Alice, I like to think you saw me the same way. I hope you and the rest of the family are okay. I hope HE is alright and happy. That's all I've ever wanted, happiness.

I love you

I miss you

Bella

I close the notebook with a sigh, I wonder if she can see me now. Wondering about my condition and why I look so sick. As many times that I have tried to make her see me in her visions she has never shown up or tried to contact me. I try to tell myself that I'm not trying hard enough but I know that's not true. She probably has seen me more than once, but refuses to see me based on his orders to not interrupt my human existence. As if Alice is a hindrance to anything. She's a breath of fresh air, well in the figurative sense anyway. I stack the notebook on top, that letter is the last one for that notebook. "I have to get another today then. The stack of the other filled notebooks of the unsent letters to Alice sits on the right side of my desk beside my laptop always in reaching distance. I run my hand absently over the spines as I do every day. Forgetting that this is a reminder of my months of loneliness and only think about the letters, what I wrote to her, how I describe my pain, asking about her and the family, giving memories of the brief time I had with them. I shake my head. "It doesn't matter, they don't care about you." I remind myself. I thump the spines in frustration and curse when my nail gets stuck to the metal spiral. I yank my finger free to see small crimson droplets on my hand. My stomach does a small quiver as the smell of rust tickles my nose. My mind goes back to the night when I had another "incident" with a bleeding finger. I quickly find a bandage and head back to bed when I hear the doorbell ring. Surprised that someone is coming to the house, let alone coming when Charlie isn't here, I cautiously walk to the front door.

"Open up Bells." The booming voice says on the other side

My ears recognize the voice, but my brain can't place a face to the disembodied voice. Still wary I don't answer, but only peek out the small window beside the door to see if I can recall the person. It's a boy apparently, or rather a very large man with tanned skin, but I can't see the face . He knocks on the door as I take in his profile. Persistent isn't he? Curious and the lack for my own safety has left me for quite some time I see no harm in opening the door for the stranger. I turn the knob and welcomed with a bright smile set in a beautiful face with dark eyes and even darker hair.

"Good to see you up B. Mind if I come in?" he asks

"Sure" I say still not remembering the face.

He must notice that I don't remember who he is, which he only laughs.

"Your that out of it to not know me?"

I simply shrug. When your damn near comatose for half a year, simple things like recall are a luxury to us common folk.

"Well let me in and I'm sure I can jog your memory." He smiles that beautiful smile.

Hmm well at looks like another part of my brain has woken up to notice how attractive this man is in front of me. I move aside to let him in and look outside, it's too green and damp looking." Forks" I say bitterly. As I'm closing the door I notice there isn't a car in the driveway. "How did he get here? Fly?"