You sob as quietly as you can in your room. One would think that now that the game was over everything would be perfect, but no it was anything but. The hope that maybe, just maybe your Dad might come back after the game had been all that keep you going though it all. Even after you meet Jane and the others. You still hoped that your dad might come back, but no, you had been wrong. Your father had not come back, and now that the game was over there was no way he ever would. Today is your 17th birthday but there is no happiness that you are a year older. Only the pain of reminding how, on this day so many years ago, you and your friends had played a game that ended up in almost everybody dead.

{∆}

You remembered the final battle clearing. Everyone still alive had come together, ready to fight the last boss left. The Condescension from the alpha session and Jack from yours had both already been defeated. Now you were all finally going against Lord English. When the battle was coming to an end you and Karkat were back to back, trying to fight of the imps that English had sent at you. Dave had died a long time ago, protecting you in his heroic act. Rose had taken a blow for Kanaya, who ended up dying when she attack LE in a fit of rage afterwards, landing on Rose's body. Gamzee had died when trying to protect Karkat. Roxy when she protected Jane, who was killed anyway. Terezi was blinded by the scene, there was to many colors for her to make out anything that was going on, so she was easy target. Sollux was also blind, though he was trying to help he was still an easy target and was one of the first to die. Aradia was the first to die, having tried to protect Sollux when he was attacked the first time. Jade had died moments ago, protecting you and Karkat. Now there was just yourself, Dirk and Karkat left.

Dirk regrouped with you, his glasses had broken and so he no longer had his, you were surprised yours had yet to fall off. He looked at you and Karkat and the last imp was killed. LE was still standing there, waiting for you to attack.

"I have a plan. It'll probably fail but it'll give you enough time to get to that thing." He said.

"What are you thinking Strider?" Karkat asked, eyes darting from Lord English to the orange-eyed Strider.

"I'll distract him, just finish the game." Dirk said. He was talking about the white portal LE was keeping you from. Rose had already figured out it was the key to ending the game and so all you need to do is get to it.

"How the fuck do you think you'll be able to do that? You can't even hit him and you know it!" Karkat growled.

"He hasn't tried to hit me either." Dirk replied, which shut Karkat up. "I'm try to change him back, it's my fault he's like this. I'll try to make him normal again." He added.

"Jake's long fucking gone. Stop trying to believe you can fucking bring him back!" Karkat said, a little loudly.

"Roxy brought Jane back, didn't she?" Dirk pointed out. Jane and Jake. They had been really fucked up by the game. The computer Jane wore around her head all the time had ended up letting The Condescension control her. Some how Roxy had managed to snap her out of it when they were fighting.

"Jane was being controlled, she hadn't gone insane and completely changed!" Karkat growled. You knew he had been getting really pissed off at Dirk trying to get Jake back. Jake had gone insane, that was a fact. Something had been wrong with the computer he had been using, it fucked him up and completely changed what he looked like. Now he was a green fucked up monster.

"But Dirk's right Karkat, if he distracts LE then we might be able to get passed." You said quietly.

"It doesn't fucking matter John! If it doesn't work…" Karkat said before Dirk interrupted him.

"If it doesn't work we're dead, if we don't do anything we're died. It really is that simple. This is better then nothing." Dirk said. Karkat couldn't argue with that.

"Fine." He growled. "Just make sure it doesn't fucking fail." That had been the last thing anyone had said before Dirk nodded and went off to try to distract LE.

Up till that point LE hadn't tried to attack Dirk and Dirk had only attacked the imps, but when Dirk had tried to talk to Jake just then, the battle had started and though Dirk was mostly dodging he could barely get a word in. LE didn't pay any attention to you and Karkat though as you snuck around the fight. By the time Lord English had noticed it was to late, you were already stepping into the portal.

{}∆{}

The memories only made you cry harder.

{}{∆}{}

After you had stepped though the portal you walk up back in your room at the age of 14 again even though you had differently been nearing your 17th birthday a moment ago. Everything else seemed normal though expect when you went to check for you father he wasn't there. In fact, you're house was even different. There was an extra room and the things you had come to known where gone, or changed. Jane had woken up in the other room, it had been her room.

"John? Are you okay? Is… is dad here?" She said, but as she saw you crying she knew the answer and collapsed into tears as well.

It turned out everyone had woken up in their homes, though slightly different, all in the same time and without any trolls or other alien race on their planet. You tried to contact the trolls but it was impossible, their trollian handles didn't even exist. But everyone else was alive, expect you're guardians. That wasn't as big a thing for the others, though they were still hurt it wasn't as bad as you or Jane. They still had the younger version of who ever had raised them, but the two of you didn't.

{}{}∆{}{}

You don't want to remember this. You don't want to have to. Not anymore, not ever again. But you do. As blood starts pouring you remember every reason why you used that knife.

{}{}{∆}{}{}

Eventually, of course, you went into foster care. After the mysterious disappearance of you're parents who could you not eventually have to? At first it wasn't that bad. You never left Jane's side. You were still able to talk to the others though pesterchum. Then came the first foster family. He was a bulky man who obviously didn't want you. You knew the only reason he adopted you was because, by court order, he had to. It was okay at first. You looked after yourself just fine. But then he started hitting you. Taking all his anger issues out on you. It was the one time that you swear he was going to kill you that you discovered it. You willed the air around you to push him off, to protect you, and it did. After that event you realized you were in fact, still a god.

{}{}{}∆{}{}{}

Not that it did you any good. He sent you to a completely different orphanage. You were completely alone.

{}{}{}{∆}{}{}{}

But that hadn't lasted long. You remember that, three days afterwards, you were sitting in a corner when you overheard one of the other boys at the all boys orphanage talking.

"Hey Fred, you hear the Strider brothers are back? Remember how the one with pointy shades was adopted a less then a month ago and how the other one was adopted the other day. They're already back." One of the boys had said.

"Yeah, I can't believe this is the fourth time already, and those were some pretty nice families." Another voice said.

"They are such pricks. Some of us would actually love to be adopted while they just go to and from families like they mean nothing." The first boy said again.

"Hey dude. Not nice to gossip 'bout others, someone might think you're a little girl. Geez, not even Harley gossips like that." The third voice was one you knew well, it was Dave. You got up from where you were sitting while the other guy walked off quickly and hugged Dave tightly.

"Wooh. Hey Egderp, what's with the hugging? Not cool bro." Dave said, but he hugged you back. Dirk was by his side.

"Hey Dave! Hi Dirk!" You said, by this time you hadn't lost your smile, so you smiled wildly at him.

"Sup." Dirk replied.

"Since when did you go to this orphanage? I swear you were adopted already." Dave said.

"Well apparently you've been adopted four times already. Maybe I didn't like my adopted family." I said, understatement of the centaury.

"Yeah, well, I actually have a reason for that." Dave replied.

"Oh really, and what would that be Mr. Cool kid Strider?" I teased.

"Bro and I refuse to be adopted by anyone who won't adopt us both." Dave still sometimes called Dirk 'Bro' instead of by his actual name.

"And so far, no one has." Dirk pitched in.

{}{}{}{}∆{}{}{}{}

Someone did though, adopted both Striders. You haven't heard from them since.

{}{}{}{}{∆}{}{}{}{}

After Dave and Dirk had been adopted by some freaky looking guy you were alone again. They were never on pesterchum and no one had heard from them. Not Rose, not Jade, not Jane or Roxy. The trolls still didn't seem to exist, which worried you and you found myself missing Karkat more then anything, almost as much as Dad.

{}{}{}{}{}∆{}{}{}{}{}

You know you had started to develop feelings for Karkat. In fact you were head over heels in love with him by the time the game ended. Now you don't think you'll ever get the chance to see him again.

{}{}{}{}{}{∆}{}{}{}{}{}

A little while later you had been adopted again. This time by someone who seemed to smell of weed, it scared you. It had all right to as well, the men tried to sell you to some guy who ran an illegal sex trade ring. He got his money and you were drugged and taken away. You almost got raped the next day, you were lucky though, the police bust in before it actually happened.

{}{}{}{}{}{}∆{}{}{}{}{}{}

It had taken you so long to get over that. So many weeks before you were moved to you're next orphanage.

{}{}{}{}{}{}{∆}{}{}{}{}{}{}

Alone again. There were so many foster homes after that. Some were okay, some where as bad or worse. You stopped smiling you were barely on pesterchum, despite Jade and Rose's worried words. But Jade couldn't understand, she wasn't taken to foster care. Her and Jake still lived on their island, though it looked more like the way Jade had kept it. From what you know Rose hadn't gotten that many bad foster parents either.

{}{}{}{}{}{}{}∆{}{}{}{}{}{}{}

It had only gotten worse. You were bullied and beaten at the orphanage. The boys were assholes. You were hurt so bad soon you just started cutting yourself. Someone was pestering you. It could be important. You don't care though, it's not like not answering will mean the death of everyone anymore.

Death. That's a good idea. Why haven't you thought of that before?

Probably because you were always hoping. Always hoping. Hoping. Hope. How pointless. Those guys were right. Karkat doesn't exist anymore.

{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{∆}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}

Only a couple of hours ago you had been sitting on you're bed looking at the one photo of Karkat and yourself you still had left that wasn't on your PDA, when they had walked in. At first you didn't notice them, not until one of them grabbed the photo. You had yelled at them to give it back.

"What? You want the picture of you're boyfriend back huh?" One of them teased.

"Oh guys look, he's a freak just like blue-eyes here." After said and you tried to grab the photo.

"Karkat isn't a freak!" You said. "Now give it back!"

"Pfft, Karkat? That's this idiots name?" Another said, holding the picture out of reach as you tried to jump for it.

"You know what boys, I reckon 'Karkat' doesn't exist. Its probably some fake photo or something." The first said. They all laughed.

"Yeah, I bet that's what it is!" A fourth boy laughed.

"Shut up! Karkat does exist!" You screamed.

"Prove it dipshit." The third mocked.

"I-I can't." You said, because you truly couldn't. You couldn't even pester him.

"Exactly." The boy laughed. You had tears in you're eyes and you were shaking with you're fists clenched.

"Oh look guys, we got blue-eyes mad." The second boy laughed. He was now the one who held the photo and you watched as he ripped it in two pieces. you had never used your powers on any of these boys but in a fit of anger you did the windy thing and pushed the boy with the picture into the wall, the pieces floated down but before they hit the floor you did the windy thing again and brought them to your hand before running into the bathroom and locking the door behind you, just as your PDA started to go off.

{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}∆{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}

That was how you ended up here, sobbing in the bathroom, fresh cuts on your arms and blood on the floor. You held the razor in your hand, shaking as you did so. All you had to do was one cut on your wrist and it'd all be over. Everything would be over. To think that not to long ago you saved the universe.

Your PDA hasn't stopped going off, you should say goodbye. You know you should, but you also know if you do then you won't be able to bring the razor down. Did you really want to do it? To kill yourself? Would it work? What if you came back again? This wasn't a just death or a heroic on, maybe you're just revive again. Would you be able to handle it if that happened?

You're about to do it when you're PDA stops making noises and you hear the rushing of feet. You start to freak out a little and go faster, what if someone comes in to stop you? The razor blade is less then a centimeter from you're skin when there's a banging on you're door. You freak out some more breath you hear what's being shouted though the door.

"JOHN! YOU FUCKASS! OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR NOW BEFORE I BREAK IT DOWN! FOR FUCKS SAKE! PLEASE!" The voice is so familiar, but lack of blood from you're cuts aren't letting you put two and two together, not letting you figure out who it is that's at the door.

It's this second of hesitation as you try to figure out who it is that saves you're life. The door breaks, the lock gives way to the banging and someone runs in. As soon as they see you they have their arms around you, keeping you're arms as far away from each other as possible, you try hopelessly to pull them back together, to try and cut yourself one fail time but it doesn't work.

"What the fuck are you thinking asshole? What if I walked in one second to fucking late and saw you dead? So many fucking years of searching for you to find out you cut yourself and now you're dead? Did you ever fucking think or Jade and Rose or anyone else? How fucking DARE you try this shit!" The person says, but you can hear them sobbing into you're back. Finally you can think straight enough to figure it out.

"K-Karkat?" You say weakly.

"Yes fuckass, it's me." He replies. You collapse into a crying mess in his arms.