[SNAKE EATER plays]
MAJOR TOM: SNAKE there are some wacky death machine wepons stuff going on in the SOVIET UNION
also theres some LOSER FUCKING IDIOT SCIENTIST you should save
SNAKE: hhhhuuuh
MAJOR TOM: what the fuck was that
SNAKE: my patented SNAKE noise of responding to something without saying anything
MAJOR TOM: oh-kay-then
[SNAKE jumps out of a plane]
MAJOR TOM: let me introduce you to the team
SIGINT: hi im gun man
PARAMEDIC: im like MEI LING but instead of philosophy i talk about movies
LYNDON B JOHNSON: im the president of the united states
SNAKE: MISTER PRESIDENT GET OUT
THE BOSS: and then theres me
SNAKE: ah FUCK
THE BOSS: how long has it been SNAKE
SNAKE: exaclty 5 years 4 months 3 weeks 2 days 12 hours 5 minutes and 32 seconds
THE BOSS:
SNAKE:
THE BOSS:
SNAKE: 37 seconds
THE BOSS: anyways
SNAKE: COMMENCING VIRTUOUS MISSIONS
THE BOSS: CQC
SNAKE: oh SHIT new mechanics
THE BOSS: a better camera
SNAKE: my DICK !
THE BOSS: you need to kill people who think love you
SNAKE: YEAwait just a minute there what did you mean by that
THE BOSS: im hanging up
SNAKE: uuuuuuh okay soooo
VOLGIN: PIKACHU...PIKACHU...
SNAKE: what
VOLGIN: its an electric pokemon
SNAKE: yeah aaaaaand?
VOLGIN: i have electric powers
and pokemon is cool
SNAKE: oh like CHIMCHAR
VOLGIN: FUCK YOU ASSHOLE
THE BOSS: im defecting
SNAKE: my DICK just fell off
VOLGIN: allow me to introduce you to the team
we have me, THE AWESOME
BOSS, aka THE POWER
SORROW, aka THE GAY
FEAR, aka THE BASTARD
FURY, aka THE GUY WITH NO EARS
PAIN, aka THE BEE POWER
and together we are
THE SNAKE SLAYERS
SNAKE:
[SNAKES breaks his own arm and jumps off a bridge]
THE BOSS: he is still but a child
VOLGIN: cool
OCELOT: also im here too
THE BOSS: fuck off
OCELOT: oh
VOLGIN: hey check this out
[VOLGIN nukes USSR]
OCELOT: hey why thought'
VOLGIN: because fuck
[time passes]
MAJOR TOM: hey SNAKE
you gotta go fix that shit
also kill the BOSS
SNAKE: WHAT
MAJOR TOM: and call me ZERO now
i messed up a movie reference
oh and meet up with ADAM
JUST ADAM
NO ONE ELSE
SNAKE: huuuuuuuuh
hey is that a horse
im gonna eat it
[THE BOSS appears out of nowhere and kicks SNAKE'S ASS]
BOSS: go home idiot
SNAKE: why did you do it
BOSS: you're only an hour in im not telling
[BOSS disappears]
SNAKE: WELL OKAY
RANDOM ASS GIRL: hey are you SNAKE
SNAKE: are you ADAM
GIRL: no you fucking idiot
SNAKE: who are the PATRIOTS
GIRL: what are you fucking talking about
SNAKE: uuuuuuuuh
GIRL: anyways
im EVA
heres a CHINESE PISTOL
SNAKE: and heres a flashback to where i remember that you meet SOKOLOV in the VIRTUOUS MISSION
[FLASHBACK]
SOKOLOV: hey im SOKOLOV
i made SHAGOHOD
also i suck
VOLGIN: im taking SOKOLOV bye
SNAKE: okay see ya
OCELOT: no we need to fight
SNAKE: get a revolver or ill dox you
OCELOT: ugh fine...
[END FLASHBACK]
SNAKE: do i really have to rescue that guy
EVA: yeah...
SNAKE: well fine lets progress the plot
OCELOT: DID SOMEONE SAY PLOTCELOT
SNAKE: fuck you ugly
OCELOT: at least i dont wear a memento of my TRAITOR MENTOR
SNAKE: pplsfesease ju3e;st im sosrrrrrrrry
EVA: CRY TYPING IS FUCKING FAKE IDIOT
[EVA kicks OCELOT with her MOTORCYCLE and drives away]
SNAKE: well okay
EVA: hey do you wanna know why i defected from my country
SNAKE: nope
EVA: its because i wanted to
SNAKE: okay cool
EVA: anyways wear this CROCODILE HAT and sit in the BOX for TWELVE HOURS
SNAKE: uuuuuuh
OCELOT: guess whose back and has 1 more gun than before
SNAKE: who is it
OCELOT: its good ol two revolver OCELOT
SNAKE: okay well this is easy
THE PAIN: Bees.
SNAKE: what?
THE PAIN: Bees.
SNAKE: why is this a boss fight
BEES: The Pain.
MAJOR ZERO: WATCH OUT FOR HIS BEE TOMMY GUN ATTACK SNAKE
SNAKE: i know-
MAJOR ZERO: LOOK OUT HERE COME THE BEES
[SNAKE beats THE PAIN]
SNAKE: man those caves were a pain in the ass to navigate
PARAMEDIC: did you know COBRAS ended WWII
or WWI
or both
SNAKE: huuuuuuhn
MAJOR ZERO: hurry up and get SOKOLOV and kill the BOSS
SNAKE: stop
oh wait SOKOLOV is right there
also so is the END and the other TROLL SLAYERS
sorry i didnt mention him before i fucking forgot like an idiot
[SOKOLOV does some piss tricks in his pants]
OCELOT: YEAH WELL I CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT
[OCELOT spins his 3 guns around like a fucking madman]
BOSS: KNOCK IT OFF
NO MORE TV
OCELOT: noooooooooooooooooo
VOLGIN: i disrespect women
SNAKE: this guy must die
THE BOSS: okay team lets dispearse
[SNAKE kills THE END before he can wheel himself away]
SNAKE: nice one less plot point i have to worry about forgetting
and once again just like the last time i did one of these i closed the window by accident and lost a bunch of progress
life is simply unfair, a single solitary snail and all that
MAJOR ZERO: just do the same jokes SNAKE
SNAKE: i dont fucking remember them who do you think i am
PARAMEDIC: well there was that one absolute fucking club banger that was the one where you talked about how you ripped off funnier people
SNAKE: but i dont think i did
im avoiding doing the HIIMDAISY jokes
SIGINT: but what about ripping of TEAMFOURSTAR in THE SIMPLE PLOT OF THE CELL SAGA
SNAKE: i just know i didnt rip of their whole bit
SIGINT: well yeah you couldnt have
TFS isnt done with CELL SAGA ABRIDGED right now
SNAKE: theyre funnier than me im not worried about those jokes being used
okay back to plot
oh look im talking to RUSSIAN STEROTYPE
RUSSIAN STEROTYPE: vodaka
i made METAL GEAR SOILD: TATICAL ESPIONAGE ACTION
then sold it to ONE OF THOSE EMMERICH FUCKS
SNAKE: okay cool
also i just remember i closed chrome by accident right when i was talking about how i liked mgs2
isnt that fascinating
MAJOR ZERO: ill crash the fucking computer you are writing this on if you talk about that again
SNAKE: oh yeah also there was a joke where i get too fucking meta in this shit
did i already save that and im misremembering what i wrote?
who fucking knows not me thats for sure
anyways i guess THE FEAR is next
PARAMEDIC: SNAKE
have you seen 3 NINJAS
SNAKE: better fucking believe i have
PARAMEDIC: what about the disney classic SKY HIGH
SNAKE: best disney movie of all time
MAJOR ZERO: by the way i remember you made a joke about KONAMI being afwul
make sure that gets back in somewhere
SNAKE: ok
PARAMEDIC: hey SNAKE
do you know what today is
SNAKE: uuuuuhhh hehehh its april 20th
hhhhahhahahh
PARAMEDIC: no
its the day we first met
MAJOR ZERO: SHUT THE FUCK UP WITH THIS MGS2 BULLSHIT
JUST HURRY UP AND KILL THE FEAR
THE FEAR: just hurry up and kill me
SNAKE: undertale is a great game
THE FEAR: yeah i
SNAKE: IS WHAT I WOULD SAY
IF I WERE A FOOL
WHICH I AM NOT
HA
[SNAKE kills THE FEAR]
EVA: good thing you wrote out THE ENDS fight so you can just skip right to GROZNJI GRAD or whatever
SNAKE: yeah thats cool
i just gotta climb this ladd-
SNAKE EATER: what a thrill
with darkness and silence through the night
SNAKE: well okay
[SNAKE meets up with EVA]
EVA: eat this uncooked instant noodles you fucking garbage can
also BOOBS
SNAKE: i dont wanna play this level
EVA: hey wanna write about this really uncomfrtable scene where i ask about your complicated relationship with THE BOSS
SNAKE: no
[ELSEWHERE]
VOLGIN: i think there is a spy
EVERYONE: i bet its EVA
VOLGIN: nah i dont think so
EVA: nah its me
VOLGIN: haha what a kidder
THE BOSS: i think the AMERICANS are after the PHILOSOPHERS LEGACY
VOLGIN: :o
[BACK WITH SNAKE]
SNAKE: i am fighting THE FURY NOW
THE FURY: i
SNAKE: more like the FURRY am i right guys
[THE FURY EXPLODES]
SNAKE: WELL okay
MAJOR ZERO: shut the fuck up its GROZNJI GRAD time
SNAKE: dont you want to rehave the conversation about mgs2
MAJOR ZERO: this is why i create a global war economy
EVA: speaking of mgs2 kill FAKE RUSSIAN RAIDEN so you can be AN IMPERSIONATION OF THE FAKE RUSSIAN RAIDEN
and go talk to SOKOLOV too i guess
SNAKE: HHHHUHN
oh hes right there
SOKOLOV: they done did it
SHAGOHOD works
SNAKE: whoopsies
SOKOLOV: i suck
SNAKE: yeah i know
VOLGIN: howdy
WAIT
YOU ARENT FAKE RUSSIAN RAIDEN
[THE TORTURE SCENE HAPPENS]
SNAKE: i am missing an eye now
thanks LYNDON B JOHNSON
MAJOR ZERO: just crawl around in the fucking sewers and jump off idiot
SNAKE: well okay
[SNAKE does the absolute madman]
SNAKE: so im pretty much dead right]
THE SORROW: yeah kinda
SNAKE: hey i only killed like 2 people in this entire story according to the simplified plot so can i just go
SORROW: okay i guess
SNAKE: dopamine
[SNAKE regains consciousness]
EVA: hey snake heres an eyepatch
also lets Have Sex
SNAKE: no i Respect Women too much
[SNAKE eats a SNAKE]
SNAKE: haha nice
EVA: i hate you so much right now
anyways have this C3 go blow up the SHAGOHOD
SNAKE: okay ill go do thay now
THE BOSS: okay ill go catch you doing that now
VOLGIN: guys,,,,,,uh...real bad news. turns out EVA was the spy the whole time
this fuckin sucks
i hate this so much
im crying
i wanna die
EVA: and i couldda gotten away with it to
if it wasnt for you damn kids
VOLGIN: oh and she had the PHILOSOPHERS LEGACY
SNAKE: what the fuck is that
VOLGIN: a shitton of money
SNAKE: oh okay
VOLGIN: lets do a boss fight
SNAKE: OKAY
OCELOT: i hope SNAKE wins
[SNAKE does win]
VOLGIN: well this fuckin blows
EVA: hey THE BOSS let me go
lets escape the explosion on motorcycle
SNAKE: fine i guess
EVA: so you can KILL HER LATER
SNAKE: WHAT NO
VOLGIN IN THE SHAGOHOD: okay but you gottta spend 3 hours trying to fight me the right way
SNAKE: UGH
EVA: oh yeah by the way
i dont know how to drive at all
[VOLGIN gets struck by lighting and dies]
EVA: wow thought that would be more of a problem
seeing as how i dont know how to drive
[they crash and EVA gets like a tree branch stabbed through her stomach]
SNAKE: this part of the game was designed by SATAN himself
you cant sneak this shit
the is garbage
i hate it
anways here we are at final boss
THE BOSS: oh hey guys
lets explain my very tragic and very upsetting story
SNAKE: do we gotta do that here
i think everyone reading knows it
and i dont know how many jokes i can make about it
THE BOSS: fuck if i care
the PHILOSOPHERS stole my baby
they betrayed me too
and i had to kill the SORROW
SNAKE: uh
THE BOSS: THIS SCAR PROVES THAT I AM A MOTHER
SNAKE: uuuuuuh
THE BOSS: I SAW THE EARTH FROM SPACE AND I UNDERSTAND THE TRUE MEANING OF THE WORLD NOW
SNAKE: what is it, BOSS?
THE BOSS: THE EARTH IS ROUND
MAJOR ZERO: FUCKING KILL HER
SHES LYING
[SNAKE kills the BOSS]
SNAKE: BOSS
is it really true?
is the world...not flat?
THE BOSS: find that out...for...yourself
[THE BOSS DIES]
EVA: well lets go home SNAKE
SNAKE: im fucking depressed but okay
OCELOT: HEY IM IN ALL THE OTHER GAMES SO I GOTTA BE IN THE ENDING
what is your real name SNAKE
SNAKE: my real name is PERSONA4FAN98
EVA: this is why im talking the PHILOSOPHERS LEGACY
also the governemnt tricked you into killing the BOSS
im a chinese spy
SNAKE: fucking owned
GOVERNMENT DUDES: hey so you killed the BOSS
so you can be BIG BOSS
EVA: oh yeah and THE BOSS was a TRUE PATRIOT
she gave up everything for the good of her country and everything that is good on earth
she only wanted the best for you and she wants to live on in your heart
BIG BOSS: man this sucks
im gonna go MISINTERPRET THE BOSS'S WILL FOR DECADES, RESULTING IN THE DEGRADATION OF THE WORLD
also maybe do a bit of walking for peace
or maybe do some portable style operations
maybe do some acid stuff
or just jack off
[END of SNAKE EATER]
...
...
...
OCELOT: yeah
Yeah man
no one really knew the whole time i was actually SOLID SNAKE from the future where RAIDEN was a GAY PANDA
uh huh
sure thing mister president
yes
i will find that fourth chaos ememerald
yes
of course
ALL HAIL SHADOW
[END of THE END]