I don't love Will
This is a one shot of Belle's feelings after the season four finale. I don't own anything it all belongs to ABC and Adam&Eddie.
The chaos outside was still raging, but I couldn't focus on it. For once in my life I didn't care about the fate of the town. My husband was lying on the floor; weak and needing my support. I almost let myself worry about if he wouldn't make it, but then I stopped. I needed to be strong for him.
A part of me regrets what I did, but a greater part says it doesn't matter. And it doesn't. It doesn't matter that I left him alone, or that he lied to me. His usual scheme to fix things doesn't even matter. What happened in the fake world is something I can't think about because I know I wanted that image to be real so much. Us happy, with a bright eyed baby, and him a hero. But our actions changed that and no good comes from thinking about what we could have done.
Even what happened with Will doesn't matter. Actually, if I'm being honest with myself that is one thing that does matter. Our choices, up until that moment, only affected our relationship. To bring another human being in the mix was wrong, but I couldn't help myself. I needed that. When I banished my lying husband, my life left me. I had no purpose because I had made getting him to be a hero my purpose. Will became my new purpose.
Oh, it was easy to fool my brain into thinking I loved him. Rationally we belonged together because we were both trying to get through our breakups. I let my emotions that Rumple had left me with cloud my senses. I told myself Will was better for me and if I didn't love him enough now, I could learn to love him more. But that was wrong, it simply wasn't true. You can't force yourself to love somebody no matter how much you two seem to be perfect for each other.
But he was important to me. There was a book Emma had begged me to read back when there was actually a moment of peace in Storybrooke. It was about vampires and werewolves working together to protect a girl. The girl had a situation like this, and called the guy her "personal sun". Yes I had to smile at that because it was so true; Will was personal sun balancing out the dark clouds.
I know I will have to find him and apologize, but right now I was content to stay with my husband. I know now that my life is not tethered to him. We will have issues to work out, along with trying to help the town with whatever new problem is running around. It will be hard to trust each other after all we've been through, but eventually I know we'll get there. However, he will never be my sole purpose again. I have to find myself and get back to the adventures I once planned for my life. I want to live for a greater purpose, not just a guy. So here I sit with my reunited but still separated husband, working over my feelings and resolutions, until the dawn comes when I will face what is outside this shop with courage and a sense of purpose.
This is what I think is running through Belle's mind during this time. Don't hate me because I don't think Belle should be devoted solely to Rumple after this. They both have to fix their lives separately, but they can still be there for each other. And yes, there is a twilight reference in this.