Ceaseless Skies
I stood there. Did not know where to go. Did not know what to do. Nothing I had learned before would help me now. Help me find my own way in this new world where the purpose of life is not only blood and war. My past would never fade away but I was determined to start a new life that would not depress me the way I felt right now. Nothing I did changed that feeling. Everything I did intensified it. I stood there in the shadows of a tree and watched a man walk by. He threw a glance at me and something he saw in my eyes gave him a frightened feeling and I knew why that was. I knew how he felt. I felt it like it was my own feeling. He was afraid of me, of course he was though my eyes should have been black, not red as they were most of the time. You should think that black was not as awesome as red was but enough to scare people off. He nothing but ran away to create as much space between us as possible and speeded up turning around the corner. I had stopped breathing as soon as I had seen him because I knew I would not be able to resist otherwise. I wanted to be free of this urge to kill people, people whose feelings were also mine. The horror they felt the second they knew what was happening to them always made me feel sick. I felt the horror and I felt something like nausea brewing inside me. Hatred towards myself. I wanted to be free of all that. To be free of all the bloodshed, of all the murders. So I tried to resist. And it pleased me to know that I COULD resist. That I could find the strength within myself to suppress my instincts and think and act reasonably. It suited me well to have some self-restraint and control over my actions. Nevertheless I was lost. Not knowing where to go and how to fill those holes in my dead life. I was incomplete, dissatisfied and frustrated but sometimes I would feel happiness of others and ask myself when I would feel the same feeling that would be belonging to me only. When would I find my happiness and leave my old self behind? When would I be able to laugh and enjoy what was left of my hazardous being? I raised my head and watched the sky which always seemed to be endless in its depth. Still not knowing where I belonged and longing to catch my happiness in that ceaseless skies I followed some clouds that disappeared behind the roofs of the house in front of me. I dropped my head and turned toward the trees behind me. The darkness welcomed me, felt comforting. I strode to the trees and let the comforting murk that mirrored my emotions reach my inner self. I was not sure whether I would ever find felicity in my infinite life. The only thing I was sure was that something WAS waiting for me. There had to be a meaning to my existence. Something devastatingly beautiful. I just had to find my way.