I've written this five or six times in at least three different venues and I still hate it. I loved the last episode and really wanted to write something, but it's not working. I hope Chapter 1 is better than I think it is.

Ethan didn't know what to do. He could tell Cal was close to breaking down. He was blinking rapidly and his tense shoulders lifted and fell with every unsteady breath. Ethan wanted to say something; anything, but his mind was blank and all he could think of was to give his brother a hug.

But he couldn't. They were sitting in the middle of the pub with their colleagues all around them. A display of affection would doubtless raise comment and would more than likely shatter the last remnants of Cal's self-control.

Ethan had expected Cal not to be at his best. That was the main reason why he'd deviated from his usual course of avoiding the pub. Cal had had a difficult day. Helping a cancer patient with his charity fundraising would have brought back many sad memories for Cal.

But Ethan hadn't expected Cal to be doubting himself, his career, his life choices; his whole existence.

Cal put his half-finished drink down on the bar and spoke without looking at Ethan. His voice was soft and trembly and Ethan could only just hear him. "I'm going to head off home. I'm not feeling too great."

Of all the surprising things Cal had said in the last few minutes, perhaps this shocked Ethan the most. It took a lot for Cal to miss his after-work drink and this only showed how deeply Matt's words had hurt him.

Cal stood up slowly and ran a shaky hand through his hair. He looked completely drained. "See you at home."

Ethan's stunned vocal cords finally came to life. "I'll go with you. You shouldn't be driving if you're not well."

"No." Cal's voice was strained. "Stay here. Please." He turned and left the pub. A few people asked where he was going, but Cal, his head down, made no answer.

Ethan turned back to the bar and stared unseeingly in front of him. He didn't know what to do. He had no doubt that Cal felt terrible - though he suspected the torture was mental rather than physical - and all Ethan's instincts were telling him that Cal needed him. On the other hand, Cal had made it quite clear he wanted to be alone.

"Ethan? ETHAN!" A hand was waving in front of Ethan's face.

"Sorry, Lofty." Ethan turned to him and did his best to smile. "Did you say something?"

"Yeah, I was asking what's up with Cal," said Lofty. He looked worried. "He's not upset about that calendar thing, is he? I'd never have done it if I thought it would upset him."

"No, it's not that," said Ethan. "He's not feeling well. That's all."

"Are you sure?" said Lofty anxiously. "It seemed like a laugh at a time, but he didn't look that happy and Lily said he could sue us for sexual harassment."

Ethan tried to look reassuring. "Please don't worry, Lofty. I really don't think he minded about that. If he has been a bit off, it's probably because he's ill."

"Yeah, probably," said Lofty, looking marginally happier. "Sometimes you do act a bit funny when you're coming down with something. I saw Cal coming out of Matt's room earlier and he looked like he was going to cry, which is understandable when you think how young Matt is, but not what you'd expect from Cal."

Ethan finished the rest of his drink in one gulp. It wasn't a good idea and the liquid burned the back of his throat; Lofty had to pat him on the back.

"Are you okay, Ethan?" Lofty looked even more worried now. "We've only been here ten minutes and you've choked on your drink and Cal's gone home ill… maybe I'll go back to work. It's quieter there."

Ethan did his best to laugh. "I'm fine, Lofty. I just drank it a bit fast. I don't want you to worry, but I think I'll go home too and see if Cal needs anything. He must be feeling terrible if he doesn't fancy an evening at the pub."

Ethan stood outside Cal's bedroom door, wondering what to do. He didn't want to barge in if Cal wanted to be on his own, but he knew Cal needed some comfort; some reassurance. If he was upset enough to start talking about his insecurities in the middle of the pub with half their colleagues present, then he really needed Ethan's help. But all Ethan had done was make a joke that had obviously hurt his feelings and then stare at him like he was some sort of freak.

Ethan rested his forehead against the door as guilt consumed him. Cal's behaviour had startled him, but Ethan should have at least tried to comfort him with a word or two. It wasn't the time or the place for an in-depth chat, but Ethan could have told him he wasn't a waste of space or suggested they leave early so they could talk about it. There were so many things he could have said.

Perhaps the worst thing about it was that Ethan had had no idea these things bothered Cal. He'd encouraged Cal to find his own home on numerous occasions, but Cal seemed determined to stay with Ethan and eventually Ethan had stopped trying to get rid of him because Cal always got himself into so much trouble when Ethan made him leave. It wouldn't have surprised Ethan if Cal's plans to marry Taylor had involved all three of them living together.

Cal had also seemed perfectly happy socialising with their friends from work and although Ethan knew he was starting to develop more of an interest in long-term relationships rather than one-night stands, he hadn't realised Cal was doubting his chances of finding someone special. Ethan had been sure that as soon as Cal was properly over Taylor, he would have no trouble with finding someone else. It seemed to Ethan as though all Cal needed to do was to look at a girl to attract her attention. He'd certainly attracted Louise's attention today...

As for a career plan, Cal had never seen remotely interested. It had been a source of frustration for Ethan when his brother was clearly so intelligent and capable, but he'd learned to accept Cal for what he was (he was still a very good doctor, even if he wasn't reaching his full potential) and focus on his own future.

Ethan pressed his ear to Cal's door and listened, but he couldn't hear anything. Ethan realised he couldn't even be completely sure Cal was in the flat. His car was here, but he could easily have parked his car and gone off for a walk.

Ethan doubted it though. Cal would only have left the pub if he'd really wanted to be alone.

But it was when he wanted to be alone that Cal needed someone most.