Why?
by
Tenel Jade
Disclaimer: Don't own Mulder/Scully, anybody else mentioned herein. Don't take offense, please!
Author's Note: Second X-Files fic, so don't be too hard, please! I know it's really short, but I just didn't have anymore to say. *shrugs*
Summary: Scully thinks about Mulder, and wonders why she stayed with him to start with, and why she stays with him now. Post- S5, pre- S8.
Rating: PG
Why do I stay?
It's a simple enough question. And goodness knows I'm asked it enough, by every person on the planet, that I should know how to answer it by now. But I can't.
Because it doesn't have anything remotely resembling a simple answer.
I think I've kind of figured out why I stay now. It's out of a sense of duty, a lot o the time. A duty to Emily, to myself, to my sister, and to many others, to find out the truth, and avenge their memories.
Why, you ask, do I include myself in the past tense?
Because that me, that person I once was, is in the past.
I have a duty, and I know that. I know I can't turn away, because too many people count on me, but more than that, I can't turn away because I'm too close to the truth. I can't come so close and then give up. It's not right, and it's not me.
But why didn't I leave before? When I had the chance?
I don't know. I can only imagine what crazy thoughts must have run through my head that made me join up with Mulder, when I could have had a perfectly normal FBI career. Everyone knows I could have left after a while, no superior would ever have made me stay at Mulder's side for very long. He's seen as the rogue agent, the one that went astray. There's not a person in the FBI who doesn't think I'm insane for staying his partner by choice.
Including me, some days.
But it's better to be insane than to be the wrong kind of person. The kind of person who bends her will to make herself look good, who is so gelatinous that she can change morals or shape or value in an instant to made herself appealing to her superiors, her co-workers, her 'friends'. I say 'friends' that way, because a true friend wouldn't want you to change. True friends like you as you are.
And I think that's why I stayed. Not because of Samantha, or Melinda, or me, or Emily, or even Mulder, much as I knew how crazy he'd been liable to drive another partner. And Mulder being Mulder, he'd probably end up working single again until they recruited another me out of the bureau's training program, another skeptic so eager to prove him crazy that she'll stick around until even she can't do anything but admit that he's right.
Even that, wasn't the reason I stayed.
The reason I stayed was because I'd made a true friend in Fox Mulder. And by that, I don't just mean the obvious. It wasn't just that he's a great partner, though he is, and wasn't not just that we worked amazingly well together, despite all out differences, and still do, to this day.
It was that he listened to me when I had good ideas, and he told me I was crazy when I was being ridiculous. And sometimes, when I was sad from a bad breakup, he'd even show up on my doorstep and ask if I wanted him to go scare my asshole ex with his gun. When he asks that question, I always laugh, because no matter how bad the breakup was, it's nothing compared to the pain I know I'd feel if I lost him, and I'm just grateful that he's still here to protect me.
The reason I stayed was that I made a big investment is Fox Mulder. I made the investment of my trust, my heart, and more frequently than I wish, my life. I gave him all I have to give, and I did it willingly. He's never coerced me like others do, he always waits until I gave it to him of my own free will. Of course, he's not like that about material things, but that isn't what I'm talking about.
And the investment I made, it's a good one. It just keeps growing, every day, more trust and memories and friendly love piling up and slowly filling the gap between us. I knew that when I decided to stay his partner, and accept the sometimes joking and sometimes insulting label of "Mrs. Spooky". I knew what a good catch I'd made. Friends don't leave friends, and investors don't abandon their investments.
I won't leave Mulder now because I know it would tear him apart. I wouldn't leave him then because I knew I'd have always regretted it, wondered about the what-if's.
What if he might be my soulmate, like he is today? I'm not sure if I'm talking about a romantic partner, but I'm certain that he's the one that fills the void in my life. Maybe it's just because I've finally found someone who'll be there for me throughout all of it. Maybe it's not because I have any romantic feelings for him.
And maybe it is. Who knows? Who cares?
And I won't leave Mulder because if I do, he'll probably go out and get himself killed doing something crazy that I would have stopped him from doing.
He's like that.