A/N: Okay, I just started writing and this little thing popped out. I don't know exactly how I feel about it, and it's a bit rough (keep in mind I just wrote it minutes ago), but I'm posting it anyway! The line "not forever, just for now" was stuck in my head from an Uncle Tupelo song.
Feel free to leave a review and let me know what you think. Also, if you're not already reading it, I have a multi-chapter called "It Gets Better" that I'm about to update :)
TRIGGER WARNINGS (important): Suicide (though no major character deaths), depression, general darkness… I wouldn't read this if you are not in a good place emotionally (and I'm sending you hugs xo) though the whole story isn't all depressing, no worries.
Not Forever, Just For Now
He's never been good at blending in. With his booming laugh and charming smile, always needing to be the center of attention, he tends to stand out in the crowd. His mother likes to say it's because he inherited her flair for the dramatics, and that acting runs in the family. Sometimes, when his mood darkens and he finds himself craving something indescribable and unattainable, he thinks he draws attention to himself and his jokes to distract his peers from sensing how truly lonely and broken he is.
He hates that he hurts. He doesn't know why he hurts. All he knows is he loves so deeply, but he's afraid of allowing himself to be vulnerable. The people he surrounds himself with barely dip below the surface in their conversations. There's an unspoken agreement it's safer that way.
When he was 12 he pulled his friend from the river. The boy's lips had already started to fade to blue. Rick breathed life back into his body, and held his friend's chilled hand as the paramedics swarmed around the bank like fruit flies. He watched his friend's eyes go blank as his frantic parents kissed his cheeks and cradled the top of his head.
They said he fell, and that Rick saved his life. But Rick was always able to see through life's mysteries, and he knew better.
"Why'd you do it?" He asked the boy as they sat at the kitchen table, peeling oranges for an afternoon snack. "Why did you jump?"
His friend barely started, as if he had been expecting that question and it didn't bother him. Rick noticed he'd barely touched his orange.
"I feel empty," he said. "I don't want to live anymore."
Rick remembers the cold feeling of shock that went through his bones. The fear for his best friend. And the need to fix him, to make him whole.
"We can make you feel full," he said reassuringly. "I can help you feel happy!"
His friend smiled thinly and stopped trying to peel his orange.
"You're a good friend, Rick." He said.
The next morning his mother came in his room without her make-up on, her eyes rubbed red from crying. She took a shuddering breath and sat gently on his bed. He knew without her even saying the words that his friend was gone.
Now a sophomore in college, Rick did everything he could to avoid the darkness that always tended to seep into his life if he let his guard down. He studied hard but not too hard, went to parties and drank like a fish but not to excess. He did everything he could to swim with the tide of collegiate life but not let it catch him unawares and pull him under.
He couldn't have been prepared for the storm that came into his life that August.
Rick relaxed against the wood paneling of the elevator as the doors began to close. He had spent all morning moving into his new dorm, and was looking forward to collapsing on his bed on the 8th floor. Some of the guys he had passed in the hall mentioned something about dragging a TV onto the balcony to watch the big football game outside later that afternoon, and he thought a Mexican beer with a slice of lime sounded great right then.
A string of curses interrupted his thoughts as a hand pushed open the elevator doors.
"Seriously, Jackass? You couldn't hold the door two more seconds?"
Rick found himself face to face with an angry, foul-mouthed angel. Her face was flushed and her brown curls wild around her face in the heat. Her hazel eyes glared at him in annoyance as she juggled a stack of boxes in her arms, but all he could do was stare.
"Rick," he blurted out unprompted, and cursed himself for the awkwardness of his introduction. The girl raised an eyebrow and shifted the boxes uncomfortably in her grasp. He stumbled forward and reached toward her.
"Let me help you with those," he offered, regaining some of his composure. That only seemed to annoy the girl more.
"I'm perfectly capable of carrying a few boxes, Rick," she emphasized, and then held down the button for the 9th floor along with the close door button.
"I know you are, I just wanted to help. Make it easier on you and all that," he flashed her a charming grin. The girl regarded him suspiciously for a moment before the elevator dinged. Rick looked up to see it had skipped his floor and gone straight to hers.
Seeing his dumbfounded expression, she grinned.
"See you around, Rick," she said, and made her way out of the elevator. As he was trying to process what had just happened, she poked her head back in.
"By the way, I'm Kate. Just to… you know, make it easier on you next time." With that, she was gone.
After the elevator meeting, Rick couldn't get her out of his head. He went through the motions of orientation week with his heart beating in his stomach, always expecting and hoping to bump into her and her cheeky smile.
Somehow, though they were in the same dorm and only one floor apart, it still took two weeks before they ran into each other again. Rick was outside at the smokers' table, observing his roommate Jared passing around a hookah with lemon and mint flavored tobacco. Classes had started two days before, so the workload was still light, and students were enjoying the hot summer night and the freedom that came with being a teenager on the cusp of adulthood.
As Rick found his mind going places he always tried to avoid, he felt a presence at his side.
"Hey," her voice was low and hot by his ear. He could feel his heart jolt in recognition. Despite the scent of tobacco curling around the pair, he swore he could smell cherries.
He felt himself smiling softly.
"Kate," he greeted, savoring the feeling of her name on his lips.
"Rick," she parroted, smirking. He watched as her eyes flickered over the crowd that had gathered around the hookah.
"So," she drawled. "My roommate's kind of a sociopath... and I was thinking about taking a walk. Getting out of the room for a bit. Stretching my legs. And if you accompany me I'd have an alibi if she tries to pin a murder on me or something…"
Rick found himself laughing abruptly.
"Really? A sociopath?"
Kate groaned.
"Rick… you have no idea. It's been two weeks and she's already sold my textbooks for drug money. The first night we stayed there I woke up and found three people in her bed… and none of them were her."
Rick burst out laughing and shook his head.
"Holy shit. Kate, I'm so sorry, but that's the best thing I've ever heard."
She tried to look angry at him but he could see the hint of a smile threatening to make its way onto her face.
"You're not the one who has to sleep in the same room as her all year," she grumbled.
Rick grinned.
"Come on. I want to hear more about this roommate. You can vent to me… I promise not to laugh again. And I know a good place to go to "stretch your legs.""
Rick led her to a playground several blocks from the dorm. Trees towered over the clearing of land to canopy the sanctuary with shade, but there was one patch right by the swing-set where you could see the stars as clearly as any place in the city.
Kate took a seat on one of the old swings and began to sway. She found herself humming a tune from the radio, closing her eyes to feel the breeze. She burst into giggles as a burst of self-consciousness hit her. Her eyes opened to see Rick looking at her with an indecipherable emotion in his eyes.
"What?" she asked defensively. He hesitated.
"Nothing," he said.
"No, really, what?" she asked again, pushing with her legs to bump into him on the swing.
"It's just… you're beautiful." He said sincerely. Kate inhaled sharply. Silence befell them.
"Do you really believe that?" She asked at last. She refused to look at him.
"Yes." He answered immediately. They continued to swing beside each other, Kate laughing as Rick boldly bumped into her with his swing.
"Bumper swings!" he quipped, and abruptly jumped and rolled onto the ground.
"Are we in elementary school again?" Kate smiled, but he just shook his head and spread out on the soft grass.
Moments later she lay down next to him. She peered up at the night sky, trying to see what he saw.
"The stars look so little from here, but really, we're the little ones," he mused.
Kate regarded him for a moment before looking back at the sky.
"Makes my sociopath roommate problems seem a bit insignificant, huh?" she bemused. Rick turned his head to meet her gaze.
"None of your problems are insignificant, Kate," he told her earnestly. "Even if you seem tiny, you could be someone's whole world."
When he walked her back to her room, she paused but then kissed him on the cheek.
"Thank you," she said quietly before making her way into the darkened room behind her.
xoxoxox
She pounded on his door weeks later at two one morning and told him to get his shoes. He followed her without question, intrigued by the lack of explanation.
She took his hand in hers excitedly and pulled him to her side, chattering about her roommate's new boyfriend who had a private beach property.
"Is this the sociopath roommate?" he asked her cautiously.
"Well, yeah, Rick, but her boyfriend has a private beach."
They piled into her roommate Alice's tiny sports car with two other friends from their dorm and he clutched the sides of the car as Alice hit the gas pedal.
When they got there a fire pit was already burning designs into the night sky. There were large kegs of beer and red solo cups littering the sand. Clusters of people sat on logs, their words lost in the wind.
All Rick saw was the violent ocean waves reaching up the sand.
Kate returned to his side and handed him a beer.
"Isn't this place cool?" she asked. "We can go swimming later if you want." He didn't miss the suggestive quirk of her eyebrows though he chose to act oblivious.
As Kate flittered from person to person, making new friends and enjoying herself, Rick sat off to the side enjoying the silence. He watched her as she charmed everyone she talked to, and likened her to a social butterfly.
As the embers burned down she joined him near the ocean. It took a while before she spoke.
"You've got darkness in you," she said softly. She wasn't judging or accusing, she just stated it like a fact. "I don't know what put the darkness there, but I want to help you chase it away."
Rick looked up at her then, his eyes shining and her eyes so wide and earnest. He thought then that maybe today was the day he would get his head above water. This girl would be the one to save him.
She leaned forward suddenly and captured his lips with hers. He brought his hands up to cradle her face and tenderly run his fingers through her wild brown hair. He felt her deepen the kiss and shift her body onto his. He groaned as she ground her hips into his, making his body come alive.
He fell back on the sand as she straddled him and leaned forward, pressing her breasts into his chest. He reached up to her halter top and fumbled for the tie.
A loud scream sounded in the distance as a firework went off. Rick and Kate pulled apart quickly, realizing where they were. He glanced at her swollen lips and smirked proudly.
"Inside," she all but growled. She grabbed his hand and pulled him quickly to the nearby beach house.
She fumbled with the sliding glass door as Rick planted kisses on her neck.
"We can use the guest room," she gasped, pulling him along the hallway.
Once they reached the last room on the right, Kate practically flung him on the bed.
"God, Kate," he breathed.
"Where were we?" she grinned, and undid the tie to her halter top, baring herself to him.
He was silent for a few moments, overcome with emotion. Her confidence faltered and he could see her curl into herself.
"You don't like it?" she asked timidly.
"No, Kate… I… You're so beautiful. I can't believe how beautiful you are." She met his eyes then and saw how much he meant every word. She gave him a genuine smile and crawled on top of him. She kissed him sweetly on the lips.
"You're a good man, Rick." Then she slowly trailed her hand down his stomach and into his boxers. He threw his head back in pleasure as her hand wrapped around him and she grinned wickedly.
xoxoxox
He woke up to find her curled around him with her head on his chest. Wisps of her hair surrounded her head like a halo in the morning light.
He could hear the ocean waves crashing close by.
He kissed her forehead to wake her up.
"Hey," she rasped, blinking rapidly until her eyes adjusted to the light.
"Yeah, hey," he smirked back.
He thinks with her he could be truly happy.
xoxoxox
They were tangled up in each other after that. Both of their grades fell, but they couldn't seem to care because all they cared about anymore was being with the other. Making up for all the years they'd been wandering in the same cities without knowing the uncomfortable feeling they'd been having their entire lives was loss, and it was because they were missing the person that was meant to make them whole.
xoxoxox
He dreaded Christmas break because he couldn't stand the thought of being away from her for four weeks. He could feel his chest get tight even at the mention of the time they'll be apart. He's staying in California, but she's going back home to New York to visit her family.
She said she'd call, but he never got the call.
xoxoxox
She showed up at his door two days after she was supposed to be back. Her hair was dry and flat. Her hands were shaking and cold. The light in her eyes had faded.
"What happened?" he asked, concerned. She didn't meet his eyes.
"I'm leaving," she said. "I'm dropping out." He felt his heart sink to his feet.
"Kate," he pleaded. "Please tell me what's wrong." She shook her head.
"My mother was murdered, Rick," she said flatly. He saw her swallow, pushing back a sob. He could tell she was doing everything she could to bottle up her emotions, to appear cold and unfeeling. He knew because he had done the same thing many times before.
"It's gonna be okay, Kate," he soothed. "I can come back with you, help sort things out-"
"No!" she interrupted harshly. "Rick, you need to stay in school. You need to stay here."
"Kate, I need to be with you. I need to help you-"
"You can't save everyone, Rick. You need to accept that. You need to think about yourself-"
"But I love you!" he cried out, reaching out to clutch her arm. "Can't you see that? I don't want to stay here if you're not here." Kate calmly removed her arm from his grasp.
"Rick, right now there's too much darkness in me. I'm afraid if I'm with you, we'll both drown in it. Can you understand that?" she swiped angrily at her face, a tear finally making its way down her cheek. "I love you too, but I need to get better… I need to save myself a bit before I can be with you the way I want to. And I do want to." More tears streamed steadily down her face.
Rick reached up and wiped away the tears with his thumb.
"Kate, I don't care about the darkness. I just want you… You're perfect how you are."
Kate smiled sadly.
"I know you think that, but I need to do this Rick. If not for you, then for myself." She pressed a trinket in his palm.
"What's this?" he asked curiously, raising the glass figurine to look at it carefully. She grinned shyly and shrugged.
"I got it at a glassblower's by the beach house for you. It's a swallow."
"A swallow?" he asked, confused. She nodded.
"You know how sailors get swallow tattoos. They can be a sign of a good omen for sailors. And symbolize long journeys. Or, sometimes they can mean loyalty to family and friends… and that the sailor will always return home."
Rick looked at her fondly. He cradled the little swallow trinket in his palms.
"You're my home, Rick," she confirmed. "This… distance between us… It's not forever, it's just for now." She stood on the tips of her toes and pressed her lips to his. He savored the taste of her kiss, knowing it may be the last time for a while.
"I'll be waiting," he promised as he watched her eyes light up once more.
END