On the road to Oregon - September, 1959
It was hot and sticky in the car, and my legs stuck against the vinyl like glue. I would have expected nothing less from the shittiest summer of my life.
My mom, my baby sister, and I were heading farther and farther away from Chicago, the place where I had always called home. I knew why Mom wanted to leave, but that didn't make it any easier for me to adjust. And Betsey was too young to care.
My mother kept glancing at me from the corner of her cat-eye sunglasses. I squirmed uncomfortably in my seat and remembered that I was stuck.
"Honey, how come you're not wearing the pretty brassiere I bought for you?" She said. I crossed my arms over my chest and glared at her.
"Mom, I don't need one." I said. My mother laughed a gay, feminine laugh and I knew for sure that by the end of the week I'd be wearing the brassiere anyway.
"You're becoming a woman. And every woman needs a little help to look her best." She said.
I thought of my dad leaving us for the perfume girl at Murphy's Department Store this May and I wondered why it even mattered. Looking her very best hadn't helped my mother hold on to my father. He'd left anyway.
"The one you got me is too fancy and has too many cords." I said.
Having gone to Catholic school since I was old enough to dress myself, I figured those bra/corset things were probably a sin. Boys were a sin, having too much chocolate was a sin, disobeying your elders, being lazy, having fun, and not thinking of God every minute of the day were all sins.
"Now that you're going to a public school I think it's time you dress a little more age appropriate. No more jumpers and Mary Janes for you, missy."
This summer my mother had been making me feel increasingly uncomfortable in my own skin. Her expectations of me had changed almost overnight and instead of scolding me for keeping eye contact with a boy for more than two seconds, she was now trying to help me become more attractive to boys in general.
The change must have happened sometime in May, when Life As We Knew It turned to Absolute Shit.
I stuck my head out the window and tried not to be scared about all the changes. Even though my Mom was very careful not to mention the 'D' word by name, I knew that my father had filed for it just the same. The promise of social disgrace was imminent and so Mom packed us all away into the Chevy and headed for her hometown in Oregon to lick her wounds.
We had family in Castle Rock. My Aunt and Uncle and two cousins. Well, actually just one cousin. The older one died in April. They were having a pretty shitty year themselves come to think of it.
I wondered how we'd adjust. On my end, I worried about public school and how I would ever make friends, and how I would deal with boys...because you can take the girl out of parochial school, but you can't take parochial school out of the girl.
As scared as I was, I will admit a part of me was extremely excited about the prospect of freedom. My sister Betsey would never know the joys of having to name the Apostles in alphabetical order, nor the sting of a yardstick administered by an irate, mustached nun.
And for this next school year, neither would I.
"Doesn't this place look so peaceful?" My mom said. She was grinning at all the open fields filled with grass that had already started turning brown. We were in Oregon and not too far away from our destination.
"Anything is more peaceful than Downtown Chicago." I said. Already I missed the noise. Without all sorts of loud sounds to distract me, there was a good chance I'd be left alone with my own thoughts in the silence.
"You're going to love Castle Rock, baby."
"I'll bet." I said, a little sharper than I had intended. I was instantly sorry but my mother didn't even notice.
"As a matter of fact, you'll probably hate to leave when you go to college."
My ears perked up a little bit at this news. My mother and father had been arguing for months on end about whether it was worth it to send me to college. But now it seemed like my mother had actually changed her mind.
"Really?" I asked. My mother smiled.
"Of course. How else are you going to find a nice boy to marry? As much as I love my hometown, I don't think I want you marrying any of the local boys."
I felt my face become flushed with anger, and I was tempted to tell her that I never wanted to get married. But college was college and I'd have done just about anything to go, so I pinched my lips shut and continued staring out the window.
Less than an hour later, we passed a dilapidated blue sign that said we were finally in Castle Rock. It was quaint, but it was still no Chicago. My mother noticed the Everly Brothers on the radio and she turned up the dial with a squeal of delight.
"I love this song." She said. She then began to sing along to "All I Have to do is Dream."
As if in response, I saw a flash of bright blond hair from my periphery. A guy wearing tight blue jeans and an even tighter black t-shirt sauntered across the street next to another guy with dark hair. But it was the blond who was keeping my attention.
His half-grin combined with the scruffy peach fuzz on his face made him very appealing to me, and already I felt like I had committed a sin in appreciating the guy's handsomeness. My stomach flipped and flopped and I wondered if I was hungry or needed to puke. It was a completely new feeling.
He turned his face in my direction but our eyes never met. At the very least I got to see his face more clearly. My breath caught in my throat and I knew for sure that the warmth exploding through my body wasn't exactly wholesome.
"Would you look at that hood? I never expected to see any in this town." My mother said.
"Yeah." was all I could say. I bored holes into the blond guy's back just hoping he would turn around and look at me. No such luck.
"You better stay away from hoodlums like that. The last thing we need is another scandal." My mother's voice, which usually sounded like honey and velvet, was now strained with bitterness. I sighed inwardly and knew that would never be a problem. Guys like that probably never wanted to talk to girls like me.
"Boys are stupid." I said blankly. My mother rolled her eyes and resumed her pleasant expression. I was grateful that she couldn't read my thoughts. The blond guy was now a permanent fixture in my brain. We turned left at the end of the street and my mother reached out and tenderly plucked the ends of my hair.
"I hope you don't feel that way for long." She said.
"I've got time." I replied.
In less than five minutes we pulled into my Uncle's driveway and my mother leaned into me and whispered into my ear, "Be nice and whatever you do, don't mention Dennis."
I nodded and felt a wave of sadness flood through me. Dennis had been my age, give or a take a year. In a nicer, safer world, we might have walked to school together and smiled at each other in the hallway. Though in a nicer world, I realized, we wouldn't walk to school together at all because my father wouldn't have left and I would be spending my Senior year of high school in Chicago.
At any rate, I remembered Dennis as being a nice kid, though he did give one of my dolls an awful haircut with some pruning shears during the Summer of '51.
My mother went to the door and I was left behind to get Betsey. Betsey's pink cheeks dimpled as she smiled at me, her chubby little arms curling around my neck like a human vine.
"How's my older brother?" I heard my mother say. My Uncle and Aunt were standing in the doorway with faint smiles plastered on their faces and I wondered just how glad they were to see us. I noticed a skinny, tanned boy hovering behind them and I recognized him as my younger cousin, Gordon. He looked deflated and tired, as if he'd been wrestling with life and lost.
"It's good to see you, Audrey." My Uncle said in a crisp voice. My Aunt didn't say much of anything, but her smile looked at least somewhat sincere.
"You remember Marlene, and the baby." My mother smiled at Betsey and me and I waved awkwardly.
"Hello." I said. I then glanced over at my cousin.
"Hey, Gordon." I tried getting his attention but he seemed distracted.
"My, you've grown! Why, you're probably man enough to show Marlene here around town." My mother said. A not-so-subtle way of getting rid of us so the "grown-ups" could talk.
"If you don't mind, Gordie." I said, hoping he still used the nickname. The prospect of taking me around town seemed to scare the dickens out of Gordon, and a dark shadow fell over his face.
"You have a nice garden this year." My mom said, cuddling Betsey into her arms and following my Aunt and Uncle into the house. They all brushed past Gordon as if he wasn't even there. We were left alone and I suddenly had no idea what to say.
I'd always had more in common with Dennis.
"Is something on your mind?" I asked. Gordon shook his head and came outside with me, closing the door behind him. He walked a little ahead of me and never said a word.
"Where are we going?" I asked.
"Just someplace." He said. I noticed every once in awhile that his eyes would dart around all over the place as if he was frightened by his own shadow.
"You in trouble?" I asked. Gordon, whom I noticed had been taking me down side paths around and behind major streets, shook his head and quickened his pace.
"Gordie, slow down. Are you afraid of running into someone?"
Gordon threw me a look over his shoulder that I took as confirmation.
"Is it a girl?" I suggested. Gordon made a disgusted face and shook his head.
"I can't really talk about it." He said eventually.
"No problem. You don't have to show me around, then. You gotta secret spot?" I asked. Even in the cluttered chaos of Chicago, I managed to find a secret place in an abandoned warehouse just for kicks. Sometimes a kid just needed to get away.
Gordon looked a little torn, probably knowing it would be safer for him if we went into hiding but not quite sure if he wanted to share his secret spot with me.
"We've got a clubhouse." He said softly.
"We?" I wondered.
It was a rickety old wooden shack nestled in a nice, sturdy tree. Gordon climbed up the rope ladder and knocked on a plank of wood that covered the opening.
"It's Gordie." He said. He gestured for me to follow him. The plank was removed and Gordie climbed in the rest of the way.
"Hey, I brought my cousin." Gordie added.
"Is he cool?" A boy I later came to know as Vern Tessio said. My head popped through the entrance after Gordie was safely inside and I gave a slight grin.
"You tell me." I said. Vern's eyes grew wide with shock and his jaw dropped to his chest. The only other boy in the clubhouse was a kid with sandy hair shorn down military-style. His sleeves were rolled up and the cigarette perched on the end of his lower lip was threatening to fall out.
"Gordie, why'd you bring a girl here, man?" The kid, known as Chris Chambers, said darkly. Vern sputtered and stared at me like I was a giant cockroach.
"Big deal. I can keep a secret." I said. Gordie shared a look with Chris that I couldn't interpret.
"Favorite comic book?" Chris said. I blinked once.
So I was to be quizzed? Well, so be it.
I took a deep breath.
"The Cisco Kid. I can't believe they stopped makin' 'em." I admitted. Chris and Gordie gave an accepting nod.
"Favorite cartoon?" Gordie asked.
"Um, Speedy Gonzales. But it's kind of a tie between him and Bugs Bunny. Every time he tricks Elmer Fudd into shooting himself in the ass, I just bust a gut." I said. Chris and Gordie looked at each other and nodded again.
"I guess you can stay." Chris said.
"Thanks." I replied. It was a lukewarm welcome, but hey, at least I was welcome. Vern finally recovered enough to shoot a wild-eyed look at Gordie.
"I thought we were gonna talk about the plan?" Vern asked. Chris rolled his eyes and leaned back against the wall of the clubhouse.
"There is no plan, Vern. We're gonna get it, and there ain't nothin' any of us can do about it." Chris said. Vern turned five different shades of white.
"Hey, where's Teddy?" Gordie asked.
"Visiting his old man." Chris said. There was a minute of thick silence and I felt like I'd been thrown in the middle of something I couldn't possibly understand. I decided to stay quiet instead of asking a whole bunch of invasive questions, which was my instinct.
"So...you guys haven't been..." Gordie began.
"No. Richie hasn't laid a finger on me, yet." Chris said. He sounded worried.
"Billy hasn't had the chance to lay a finger on me. I've been stayin out of his way since Sunday." Vern said. The boys all looked at each other strangely and I wished to God I knew what was going on.
Suddenly Chris glanced at me with intensity.
"Remember, you've gotta keep your trap shut on your mother's honor." He said. In my twisted mind I felt like laughing because the very reason we had to move to Castle Rock was because my mother had no honor left.
"Cross my heart." I said. I began to feel a little braver, so I tried to test the waters.
"I had a situation with bullies back in Catholic school. Nobody knows how to bully like a Chicago-bred Catholic girl." I ventured. Vern and Chris looked at me with skepticism.
"I'm serious. One time Mary Kelly brought a lighter to school and started burning the ends of my hair. If I hadn't faked a stomach bug I might have been set on fire." I said. The boys were hardly convinced by the story but I wasn't about to dredge up other, far more painful stories.
"That's girl stuff. Ace and his gang are gonna beat the shit out of us." Vern said. Gordie and Chris sighed.
"Vern..." They said. Apparently I had already learned too much.
"Ace? What's his deal?" I said. Gordie shook his head.
"He's bad news, Marleen. He's a creep." Gordie said. Vern nodded emphatically.
"My brother wasn't half-bad until he made friends with him." Vern said.
"Ace is a motherfucking asshole." Chris said, taking a long drag of his cigarette and staring out into space.
"Good to know, I guess. We should be pretty safe at school, right?" I asked. Chris blinked and shot Gordie and Vern a quick look of dread.
"How old are you, Marlene?" Gordie asked. I chuckled a little, remembering the fact that a 'true lady' is never supposed to reveal her age. My mother would have been scandalized.
"Seventeen and a half." I said.
"You mean you're going to be a senior?" Chris added. I nodded and began to get the impression that I wasn't going to be very safe at school after all.
"Richie and most of the Cobras are seniors. I think Ace dropped out last year." Chris said.
"Is this Richie guy bad news, too?" I asked. Chris nodded in the affirmative without ever looking me in the eye.
"That jackass is his brother." Vern blurted out. Chris glared at Vern for a hot second.
"Shut up, Vern." Chris and Gordie said in unison. Vern shut his mouth but I could tell he had a lot more he wanted to say.
"I can take care of myself. They have no beef with me. But what about you guys?" I said. It was a loaded question and none of them rushed to answer. It seemed they had resigned themselves to a certain fate and nothing could interfere with that design.
All they had to do now was wait in agony.
"Listen, Marleen. When you leave the clubhouse, you need to forget everything you heard. If something happens to any of us, you just keep going and pretend like you don't know a thing." Chris said.
"Sure, considering I really don't know what's going on..." I mentioned. Chris shook his head.
"No matter what happens, I need you to promise you won't tell anybody anything. It'll just make things worse." Chris said.
Gordie looked at me with a seriousness I hadn't known he possessed. Even Vern looked rather grave and quiet.
"I promise. Scout's honor, pinky swear, stick a needle in my eye and all that." I said. In the back of my mind I began to nurse a quiet hatred for this punk named Ace and the rest of his gang of delinquents. If I ever met him I would probably give him a swift kick in the groin.