Well... This is my second Hetalia one-shot. And it's about my favorite character... Prussia. XD This is actually a mix between his thoughts and flashbacks, describing his feelings after meeting Germany. There is a hint of FritzXPrussia if you tilt your head and there is also Germancest so~ If you don't like it, don't read it. XP But I hope you do enjoy it. I tried to put into focus the deep character that Prussia really is. QAQ
Disclaimer: I don't own Prussia, Germany or anything having to do with Hetalia. At all. (I wish I did though QAQ)
Normal - Prussia's Thoughts
Italics - Flashbacks
Anyway~ On with the story~
"Forever and Always"
By: Jubpawz
I have never been very good with feelings… In my prime, I was taught that emotions were what made you weak in battle, and having been one of the strongest nations in the world, being weak was just notan option. So emotions, thus, were something I almost looked down upon as if they were the one thing that could destroy my beautiful empire. Without petty feelings holding me back, I became ruthless, unstoppable, and above all, powerful. I calmed a bit only when Fritz and I truly got to know one another. He was a ruler like no other…and to this day, I visit his grave and value my memories of him. The only thing that I have left of my beloved boss is his flute… Sometimes I still sit down and play it when I am alone.
After his death, I became hardened and had a lust for war beyond any other. Just when I had learned to feel…just when I had learned to love, Old Fritz was snatched away from me by the cruel hands of Death. From then on, I left emotion behind… I felt like they had only caused me pain. I'd like to say that when I first met Germany whom I raised and now love dearly, I was excited and overjoyed to be taking care of him… I'd like to say that I felt happy to be a mentor – to teach another child my awesome ways. Hell, I'd like to say that I cared.
But I didn't.
To me, Ludwig was just a painful reminder of what I had lost - Holy Roman Empire. He had been a very close friend of mine and to see him just disappear… It was unbearable… Have you ever lost a friend? If you have… then you can understand the pain of knowing that they are nevercoming back – that they are lost forever. And this little boy…Germany...whom I now had custody over looked almost exactlylike him. A spitting image of my best friend, gone with the passage of time.
I knew Germany was there...As I sat at my desk mulling over paperwork, the child peaked into my office and watched me as if there was something he wanted to say or do… I looked up and he hid behind the wall again, afraid that I caught him. I shook my head and concentrated on the work I had to do, which was already hard enough for the awesome me. Awesome nations don't do paperwork…
…
Those eyes again… So piercing and blue…just likehis.
"What do you need?" I asked out loud, not even looking up from my desk.
The newborn nation peaked in before taking a deep breath and shuffling into the office with…a book? I raised an eyebrow, watching the child come up to my desk. The book in his hand was dusty... a child's fairytale from the bookshelf, I assumed.
"U-Uhm…P-Prussia…C-C…Can you read me a story…?" The little boy asked and I deadpanned. This child… whom only reminded me of pain and death…was asking me to read him a story? The mere irony almost made me chuckle. Whatever this kid expected out of me, whether it was friendship or love, he was in for a big surprise. The Kingdom of Prussia shows weakness to no one.
"Nein. Go to your room…"
But even still, I felt responsible and although I was cold to Ludwig at first, he…he brought out a side in me that even now I am very grateful for. It took a long time before I could warm up to him, but our years together slowly molded me into someone who cared… a big brother. Ludwig became my life and still is, to this day. I couldn't ignore the fact that I loved him. Did you know that I was his idol? Ludwig Beilschmidt, the nation of Germany, looked up to me… Soon, he was melting the ice on my heart… Soon, a before-bed story became like tradition…
"…Und they lived happily ever after." I finished, closing the book as I tucked Ludwig into bed.
"Hey Prussia… Why did you give me the name 'Ludwig'?" Germany asked tiredly, rubbing his eyes.
I smirked and ruffled his hair lightly. "I thought mein bruder should have an awesome name… because he's such an awesome person…"
"C-Can…I call you Gilbert?" Ludwig asked, eyes wide with innocence and purity. I chuckled and began walking out of the room. Ludwig had never asked to call me by my human name since I told him it meant that we were very close…
"Of course you can…we're brothers now. Forever and always."
However, as Germany grew, I grew weaker. At first, when I noticed, I decided that this was because I was showing Ludwig too much. I was giving him too much! I have always been one to favor being alone, and back then I was feeling like without him, I would die. How ridiculous is that? The Awesome Prussia die because of some kid? Tch…hell no…
That was when I started becoming distant to him again, in his adolescent years. The love and adoration I adorned him with was something I felt that I had to hold back… I felt like Ludwig was going to be the death of me. For a nation, death was a scary thought. Millions of people relied on me and for me to just disappear as Rome and Germania did… I'd leave my people confused and lost. Not to mention, where does a nation even go when they die…? The thought of a dark abyss-like afterlife frightened me. But Ludwig was no idiot and he knew that I was avoiding him… He was so smart…
"Gilbert… Why… Why won't you look at me?" Ludwig yelled, finally sick of this new mood I was in. I couldn't face him… I had to keep my emotions in check. If I didn't, I…
"Bruder!"
I flinched, slowly turning to look at Ludwig. I was frustrated with all of this. Why did Germany even have to exist…? Why did he have to show up in my life? The pure animosity and hatred I felt toward him was incredible. However, I couldn't just tell this kid that his very existence was killing me…
"I have just been in a bad mood… I've had a lot of work lately-" I tried.
Ludwig didn't say anything to this. I could see tears welling up in his eyes… Oh god, how I hated to see him cry. The blonde just shook his head and turned, running to his room and slamming the door. I grimaced, knowing that I fucked up… I couldn't do this anymore. I would have to let myself be open again… It hit me so hard, the fact that I would have to dieif it meant this country's survival. But what hit me harder was the fact that I was willing to…
It wasn't like I could feel myself becoming old in the way that the average human can. I still had the same energy, the same fierceness, but trapped in a country that was no longer prominent. In a way, I suppose it felt like I was giving my power to Ludwig as he grew older. If you look at a textbook, it's also that way based on history. Soon Germany was rising and I was falling. But I loved him so much (more than even I knew)… And after that brief relapse, I vowed to never hurt my brother again in any way. I would raise him with only hisbest intentions in mind. After all, that's what a big brother is for, right?
And that's why when the time finally came for Ludwig to step up - for him to face his first big challenge (and boy was it big), I can't say that I don't blame myself for his loss. I raised him. World War I was… a devastating moment for my brother. I can still see his sorrow filled face as he heard the terms of his surrender. The Treaty… The reparations… I hated Francis (my best friend, mind you) for everything he was doing to Ludwig. Through these…demands – these punishments, they bred something in my brother that even I couldn't face without cringing…
"C-Come on, West… Don't you think this is a little bit hasty? He's pushing himself up into power… Hell he's not even German!" I teased, trying to make it sound playful…but Ludwig didn't understand. He walked up to me and I had to look up to meet his gaze (When did he get so big…so…independent?).
"You really aren't one to talk about my decisions being bad, bruder. The way I see it, there's been a shift in power. You are no more… and it's no one's fault but your own. I can't afford to let that damned Entente to just have their way with my country! I can't afford to make your same mistakes!"
Hearing those words left me shocked. I didn't know what to say… "W-Was?"
"You heard what I said. "The Awesome Kingdom of Prussia? Your superiority is nothing but a pipe dream now, Gilbert. Let me make my own choices. Let me fix the mistakes that you made!" Ludwig said, putting his hands on my shoulders. His smile was so trusting, but not in me… in the ideas and corruptions that Hitler was poisoning his mind with… I felt like I didn't even know the person in front of me… the person who told me that I was his idol… And now? Saying that… I'm worthless?
I looked down as my bangs covered my face; my mouth twisting into a fake smile that I would use for the majority of this war that I knew was inevitable. If I couldn't help mein bruder, then what else could I do besides go along with whatever happened?
"Your…right, bruder… I shouldn't be micromanaging… D-Do as you wish…"
It was only then, when I felt the utter suffocating feeling of my heart being broken, that I realized I loved my brother… in a way that transcended just a sibling fashion…
Do you understand what it's like to be told by the person you love that you are nothing? Worthless? Just a mistake that needs to be fixed? It's like having someone rip out your heart and shoot it until it's nothing but a puddle of blood on the ground. Those years afterward were dark for me… I couldn't challenge my brother anymore – there was nothing I could do about his psycho-maniac boss who thought genocide had the answers…
"What are you doing! Those are our people! MY people!" I yelled. I had just gotten home from one of the camps where I was sent to work… The feeling of the ash falling onto my face was still as clear as day in my mind… seeing the Jews being shot and thrown into pits… Seeing the face of Poland as he realized the terror that Germany was unleashing upon him… I saw the flies gathering over the eyes of the dead and the expressions of adults and children who saw their own doom in the face of Nazi … How could this have happened!
"I am doing what my boss has ordered me to do. He says it's the right decision." Ludwig said, emotionless. He was looking down, so I couldn't see his eyes.
"What do YOU think! I don't give a fuck about your goddamn boss! I only care about you…YOUR opinions!" Why didn't West understand…? He was losing this war and all his boss could think about was his prejudice!
"…I…I don't…I don't know what I think anymore, bruder… Es tut mir Leid, but there's nothing that I can do." Ludwig replied, not even once looking at me. Tears welled up in my eyes and I left the room, cursing loudly and throwing around anything that I knew was breakable.
'It's all my fault', was the only thing in my mind.
The worst part of that era in my brother's history was that I couldn't do anything.I was practically owned by Hitler and I was so weak by this point that I couldn't even gather a decent army without Germany's aid. But I stillloved him. How could I not? I absolutely refused to place the blame on him. A nation can't help what influences its boss gives. Ludwig was so broken after the war… He couldn't even look at me without being ashamed. After seeing that, my disappoint in my brother was gone- all I wanted was Ludwig's safety - His chanceto show the world that after all this pain he's caused them, he could still become good.
The meeting with the Allies, Germany and I was… a dramatic one to say the least. The first thing the Allies debated was destroying Germany as a nation, giving a piece to each victor. At that point, I told Ludwig to leave the room. Of course he protested, not understanding the terms I was about to make. But I understood that he wouldn't agree to the terms, so I couldn't have him in the room to make arguments against his older brother.
I told the Allies that I wanted to be the one to die… I said that technically, it was my warmongering influence that Ludwig was raised with – that it was my fault for all his actions. Francis was the main protester against this, actually. We werebest friends and he didn't want to see me disappear. Alfred as well thought that all this was "messed up". He was young and the last thing he wanted was to see a nation die by his hand. But all that didn't matter to me…I would have been dying for a cause that I believed in with all my heart. I would be dying for Ludwig.
As you can possibly predict, this didn't work out to my favor so well. It turned out that the alternative was that I be given to the Soviet Union (still no longer a nation)… and that Germany would be divided, but still a country in itself until it was "mended". Staring into the violet eyes of a nation that I have hated for my entire life, it wasn't easy to accept the terms. But I did it for Ludwig… And, looking back, I would do it again in a heartbeat. In all actuality, the hardest part was saying goodbye…
"B-Bruder you can't be serious…" Ludwig stated, disbelief washing over his features as he saw me next to Russia, near the border. I was looking down, trying hard not to cry. I didn't want to do this… I didn't want to break Ludwig's heart in this manner…
Ludwig spoke again. "Y-You…You aren't leaving me because you hate me for what I did right?" He asked quietly and my head shot up.
"No! No no no… I'm… I'm doing this to keep you safe…" I replied, desperate for him to believe me. I couldn't leave while Ludwig was thinking I hated him…
"But warum, bruder? Y-You don't have to do this… bitte. Don't leave me…" Ludwig pleaded and I felt my heart break for the blonde.
"E-Es tut mir Leid…but… I do. I have to do this. Or you will get hurt." I murmured as I felt Ivan put his arm around my shoulders.
"Time to go, da?" He asked, his sickingly sweet voice sending shivers down my spine. I looked up at Ludwig and gave a weak smile.
"Don't worry… I'm awesome right? I'll definitely be back in no time. Ich liebe dich…" But my voice betrayed me and cracked on the last word. I turned around and squeezed my eyes shut, unable to bear Ludwig's pained expressing any longer. I didn't see him reaching for me, silently begging me to not go…
Begging me to stay by his side…
I felt bad for leaving Ludwig like this. He, too, was young and he didn't quite understand the sacrifices that had to be made here. Nazi Germany was possibly the worst thing us nations have seen in a long time and you don't just get a free pass from that. This was how it had to be and I thought that I was fully prepared for everything that would happen to me while with Ivan. The Awesome Prussia could withstand anything.
But my time away from Ludwig changed me, more than even I could imagine. I went in a strong and proud person, but left as a shell of my former self – a weak shadow – a mindless pawn in Ivan's hand. I was no longer a nation… and I barely had anything to cling to except the Iron Cross necklace that Ludwig had given me. I didn't quite understand just how vulnerable I was when I went over to the Soviet Union.
I heard the door creak open and I opened my eyes groggily. Since I'd been here at Russia's, my home had been his basement, chained to the wall like a toy that Ivan was afraid would leave at any moment. It was truly a pleasant day when I would get two meals a day…or even one. But…aside from starvation and the occasional beating, being at Russia's was bearable.
However, when I saw Ivan's twisted smirk, I knew that something was about to change.
"A wall has been put up between east and west Berlin, da? Now you will never see your brother again…~"
My eyes widened at the thought… a wall? But I couldn't show weakness… I had to try and at least act strong, even if I was broken on the inside.
"S-Shut up… I will get out of here one day, you will see!"
"And go where…? To a man who doesn't even have the decency to send you a letter…to give you a call?"
I cringed… He was right. Since I'd been at Russia's, there had been not a single word from Ludwig… Perhaps he really hated me… I gave an insane smile at the thought, unaware that Ivan had been training me to think that Ludwig no longer cared. Hiding the man's letters… ignoring his constant calls…
Then…something I didn't expect in a million years…
"But… I care, da? I took you in when everyone was ready to leave you to die~"
I looked up at Ivan and frowned, watching the man walk up to me. He leaned down and gently pressed his lips to mine. My eyes widened and I tore my face away, glaring.
"What the fuck, Ivan?"
Russia laughed and grabbed a knife, beginning to cut off all my clothes.
"I'll show you that I care, da…?"
If I could ever hit rock bottom, that was the day I did. Even though I was no longer a country, it didn't bother me as much until Ivan broke me – made me feelhelpless like I was doing the world a favor by being dead. His constant mantra was "Your brother hates you. But I…I love you, da?"Have you ever heard of Stockholm Syndrome? Well it's real… And I was a prime case for it. I began believing the lies that Russia told me… I began even loving him in return. That seems impossible right? The fact that I would begin to fall in love with the very person that was the source of all my pain… Truthfully, I didn't quite understand it myself because I was in a constant state of falling in and out of sanity. At the time, all I knew was that Russia seemed to "care" when Ludwig seemed to have "forgotten". Ivan's act was so well performed… I clung onto whatever reason to live I could find, and at that time… it just so happened to be that Ivan "loved me".
Of course this was all just a game to Ivan. He never really cared for me, and he made that fact abundantly clear in the last few days before the wall came down. I had gotten my heart broken, even though the love I felt for Ivan was just a result of his insane mind tricks. It still hurt because to me, at the time, the feeling was very real. So after being left out in the snow by Ivan, I clung to the hope that my brother didn't forget me – that he cared about me enough to take me back. Needless to say (as I look back on it now), the day the wall came down was and always will be the greatest one of my life. Being reunited with my brother made me feel real…whole…alive.
Today was the day… I ran and ran, not caring that my body was weak and bloodied from Ivan's treatment. The wall was coming down! Everywhere around me, people were reuniting with their families. Men from the East and West were taking hammers to the wall, children throwing rocks at it… The laughter and smiles of kids jumping into their parents arms… Wives kissing their husbands that they hadn't seen in so long. But my eyes searched for those ice blue ones… the ones that reminded me of home.
However…after a while, I still hadn't found my brother and I began thinking that perhaps… Ivan was right! Ludwig didn't care! My search began getting more frantic, the sounds of cheering getting louder and louder in my ears… I was completely desperate because this, I knew, was all I had. Someone bumped into me then and I fell down onto the ground. My body was so weak that I couldn't pull myself up and no one seemed to care enough to help. I don't know how long I lay there.
All around me the crowd began dispersing and started moving away…
And that's when I heard the faint, but frantic, calling of a name…MY name…
"Gilbert! Gilbert…!"
"W-West…!" I choked out, my throat raw. But Ludwig heard me… He ran up to my frail body and picked me up and pulled me into a tight embrace. He was trembling and I realized that my brother, who wasn't generally known for his open showing of emotions, was crying.
"Gott bruder… I missed you…I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for everything…Ich liebe dich…so much."
I felt tears sliding down my own cheeks as well as I wrapped my arms around Ludwig.
"Ich liebe dich auch…" I murmured and Ludwig grabbed my chin, looking into my eyes.
"How can you ever forgive me…?" He asked, eyes full of sorrow and remorse. I gave a sad smile and caressed his cheek.
"I already have…" I whispered before connecting my lips to his.
It still hurts when people tease me and say something by accident like "Well how can you be awesome if you aren't even a country anymore?" It hurts… a shit load. I just laugh it off and make some excuse about how I'm awesome even though I'm dead. Ludwig though… he always scolds the people who make such careless comments. He can see through me like glass…
Looking back on our relationship, it's been full of ups and downs. But now that everything has calmed down, generally, it's been fun. Sometimes Ludwig gets really possessive of me because I think he's afraid that I will fade away, since I am no longer a nation. He's afraid that I will be like Rome and Germania…
But I know that I will continue to live on.
I mean…not only am I extremely awesome and am doing the world a favor by continuing to live, but I have West. Since we've been reunited, I've had the feeling that the reason I am alive is because of Ludwig… Without him I am nothing… He is my everything…
We'll be together. Forever and always.
Fin~ I hope you liked it. Reviews make me smile, btw~
~Pawz~