Title: In Which Yusuf is Not Suspicious in Any Way

Author: Salamander Erg

Rating/Warning: G; totally silly and doesn't make any sense

Summary: Prompt: Yusuf is waiting for a heist to finish being the getaway driver. Three passed out forms in the car. They're supposed to be under for 3 minutes. Yusuf has to make sure he doesn't look suspicious. What the heck does he do?

Due to a horrible, horrible sewage leak right outside the headquarters, the team had decided to relocate to a fresher place. 'Fresher place' had translated to 'Yusuf's van with a slight Funyuns-y smell'.

'Just don't look too suspicious.' Those were Cobb's parting words to Yusuf as he, Arthur, and Ariadne went under. Yusuf rolled his eyes.

"'Don't look suspicious'—you ass," Yusuf muttered angrily to himself, "You are not the one who has to look normal with three unconscious people in the back of a white van, parked right across from a cop bar, in plain sight."

Yusuf, if he was less modest, would describe himself as a bad-ass mofo under pressure. Mixing highly volatile chemicals with about a dozen cute kittens around? No problem. Driving around a hella rainy dreamscape with a full bladder while buff security projections aim to kill? Could do it blindfolded. Has done it blindfolded. Twice.

But sitting in a van and waiting three minutes? It makes him a little anxious. And when Yusuf gets anxious, he gets twitchy and sometimes talks to himself. He used to sing Disney songs (and trust me, it was hardcore), but one day Eames secretly recorded it on his phone… and now Yusuf doesn't sing and Eames' pinky finger doesn't straighten all the way out.

Yusuf really starts getting worried when the cops eating at the café keep glancing at him. They are making the 'I spy a suspicious person' face and in the back of his mind, Yusuf mourns the fact that he looks Arab and that it's probably not helping him. Yeah sure, chicks dig the exotic, 'Ooo, he has an accent' thing; they usually don't dig the 'in jail for murder' thing. And the ones that do are batpoop crazy.

(In reality, the cops are more suspicious about the fact that Yusuf is talking to himself, looking around nervously, and, oh yeah, there are three bodies in the back of his van.)

Had Yusuf been a lesser bad-ass person, the two loud knocks on his window would've made him jump. Instead they made him yelp a little, but he successfully covered it up with a loud cough. A loud, manly cough.

He rolled down his window and smiled at the petite, brunette woman.

"Good morning, officer. How may I help you?"

"Sir," The policewoman lifted her eyebrow and did not bother to answer Yusuf's very polite question, "Is everything alright?"

"Of course. Yes," Yusuf motioned with his hands as if to say, 'Yep, we're all in perfect health, no illegal mind thievery stuff going on here, those people aren't dead, there definitely aren't any drugs in the back, these are not the droids you're looking for'.

The policewoman did not look convinced and to show Yusuf how unconvinced she was, she took off her sunglasses dramatically (it worked out perfectly because the car that just so happened to be driving past was blasting The Who's "Won't Get Fooled Again"). Which promptly translated to: Srs Bsns. "Do you know why I'm over here?"

Yusuf kept smiling, but started to drum his fingers on the steering wheel, "I can't say that I do."

Her eyes flickered to the back, "You don't want to take a guess?"

Yusuf faltered, 'What would Eames say?'

"You wanted to find a more recreational use for those handcuffs?" Yusuf paused, "Darling."

The policewoman was unamused and she leveled him with a stare, "You're parked in front of a fire hydrant. I should give you a ticket, but that would take too long and I don't want my pie to get cold. Now go."

Yusuf exhaled loudly as she walked back to her table and allowed himself a slight reprieve from his 'no singing' rule.

"I wanna know, can you show me? I wanna know about these strangers like me—"

"Are you singing 'Tarzan'?" Ariadne asked from the back as the rest of the team started waking and putting on their seatbelts.

End

Epilogue:

"Yusuf, why didn't you just drive around the block?"

"Shut up, Cobb."