To the readers: This is America's PoV, so stuff is very biased and stupid. It may or may not be offensive (specifically to Russians) so please take that into consideration. This fic has been written for merely a few laughs. After all, isn't that what Hetalia is all about?

Chapter I

It all started when Japan showed me this thing called "anime."

The first time was when I was visiting his house in Tokyo.

Since I seemed to, "spark an interest" as Japan said, he began displaying these seemingly similar, exaggeratedly huge eyed, colorful haired protagonists before every World Conference.

That was until one fateful day he showed me this considerably famous one from his country, which was about this Japanese guy taking over the world by writing people's names in books and killing them. And well, obviously that's not right because the main character's Japanese, not American, and everything American is better.

So to make a long story short, I knew I had to come up with a better idea than him.

T'WAS THIS DAY THAT MY TALE REGRETTABLY UNRAVELLED.

It was a Friday night, and I was minding my own business. You know, chillin' watching SpongeBob. It was difficult coming up with good cartoon ideas, and in the end I decided to just call it a day. So I got my VHS out to get to some watching.

I was watching the pizza delivery episode where SpongeBob's jamming, "KRUSTY KRAB PIZZA, IT'S A PIZZA FO YOU AND MEEEE." Yeah, and then Squidward's all like 'J' the whole time.

If you look closely, you might mistake it for Russia's nose, except not as squid-like. Speaking of pizza, (Not Russia. Russia doesn't make me think of pizza) now I really was in the mood for it.

I raced out of my seat Italian-style to grab my phone, which was for no reason I could think of in my fridge. Okay, maybe I did know why, but that's enough with adding useless pieces of information. Don't sweat the small stuff. Because, well, then you'll sweat. I don't like sweaty people. Especially if that person's name happens to be France.

You guys are still curious, aren't you? Huh? Well, fine. I'm feelin' generous so I'll tell all of y'all. Uhhh, Canadia (am I right?) and I had this bet since he never answers my texts.

So I was all like, Canadia, I bet your phone just froze because you're so COLD. PFFFT. Get it? You know, because Canadia's like cold and stuff. Not warm and fuzzy like me. He got all angry and quiet, so while I was LOL-ing he told me cellphones can't die in cold conditions. To prove him wrong, I put my phone in my fridge. Pretty smart way of testing da facts.

The only problem was, when I took my phone out of the fridge, it still worked!

Canadia was right, and that's no good. I was planning on making him fill in on me for the next World Conference. But at least I could call the pizza delivery guy, so not all was bad. Though I hope whatever errand I owe him has nothing to do with a "Save the Beavers" project like last time. I mean, ew, he already gave us Justin Bieber, we really don't need more.

Anyway, I dialed and ordered two large extra cheese pizzas with pepperoni. What of it? I know all of you are judging. Don't lie. I can feel it in my blond.

It was nine, and I was in my Spiderman jammies on a Friday night, watching old episodes of SpongeBob on my VHS. Wow that makes me sound lonely. Well, I'm not lonely! Tony was just playing horror games in my basement while my Whale was eating krill or some shit like that. So while waiting I decided to un-pause SpongeBob.

That was until someone started calling me. Right after I sat back down. I knew this piece of juicy data because I could hear my ringtone of that one song from Wonder Pets. You know that episode where they're all like, "The phone, the phone is ringing" and then it gets to the good part where they're all singing in chorus, "There's an animal in trouble!"

(I like that song, because it sounds heroic.)

You know how it goes, beating up villains, saving damsels in distress on a daily basis. That's why Wonder Pets is an amazing show for the childrens. The only problem was that I just wasn't feelin' it that night.

I mean, who needed to call me at what, 9 at night? I know that heroes are supposed to help after hearing anyone calling out for help, but you don't see Spiderman in his pajamas trying to save the day. Wait, maybe he does…

(I wasn't in my Spiderman pajamas, thus this call did not count.)

Finally it stopped and I un-paused SpongeBob, until two seconds later Linny was alerting me the fact that my phone was indeed ringing. By then I was pretty cheesed off.

After the billionth time hearing, "There's an animal in trouble!" I got up to check who it was.

Well, apparently there was an England in trouble.

Of course it was. Not that I'm saying he was actually in trouble, it's just that he doesn't have a life, so he intrudes mine instead to make himself feel less lonely.

In case you all didn't know, England spends his free time talking to gnomes in his backyard. He invites them to tea parties, you see. PFFT. To prove a point to him, last Christmas I bought him a 'Forever Alone' tee-shirt. He didn't talk to me for over six months, but it was worth it.

He forgave me eventually though, and then started calling me every few days again just to nag about keeping up with foreign policies. Really, I get calls like these on Friday nights. For this reason, and because I didn't really want to talk to him, I turned off my phone. Get a life England.

The rest of the night went pretty well after that, consisting of me marathoning SpongeBob and putting my phone back in the fridge.

(Maybe if I took out the batteries Canadia wouldn't notice.)

And to make things better, once the pizza delivery episode ended someone rang at my door. I didn't know Pizza Hut had such quick service, and I was excited, because after watching animated pizza you get really hungry, ya know?

Haven't you ever eaten a cheeseburger while watching SpongeBob, and pretended it was actual factual Krabby Patty? If you haven't then GTFO. Haha, just kidding, but it's still pretty awesome when you use your ~IMAGINATION~.

I was so excited, that I didn't even bother changing out of my jammies. Not that I'm self-conscious about stuff like that. Nope. I already told you not to sweat the small stuff.

That's when I opened the door, wallet in my other hand, only to come face to face with Russia.

I know what all of you are thinking. Why was Russia at my door at 9:30 or so at night? The answer to that question is that I didn't know either. So instead, I came to the conclusion that he must be the pizza delivery boy. Don't y'all be laughing, cause I actually got a good reason this time for assuming so.

Like I said before, I don't relate pizza and Russia together, but come on, what other reason could it be? I know that I didn't butt dial him or anything, and there's no way I called him instead of Pizza Hut. The guy on the phone didn't even have a creepy Russian accent. It couldn't have been just a coincidence either, because there's no such thing as a coincidence. EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON.

And so, I just had to believe Russia was the pizza delivery boy, because if he wasn't then that means he came to my house for some sick, twisted, communist reason. I mean, how else could he have gotten my address?

I may believe in fate, but I know for sure fate didn't tie Russia and I together. So I asked him in the most appropriate manner for that delicious, crunchy, over-saturated piece of dough. "Uhh dude, you better give me my two large extra cheese pizzas with pepperoni and go away."

"Greetings comrade," he said all calm. What the hell kind of greeting is that? Couldn't he just say an easy, I don't know, 'Hi?'

"I come for good relation."

Psssh hell to the no! "Wait… Are you trying to tell me there's no pizza?"

"Da."

I slammed the door in his face. Owned.

I felt very proud of myself until I looked through my peephole, because he was still out there. Smilling. Like he thought I would eventually open the door. Or something like that. But yeah, his smile never disappeared. He just stood there giving me major creeps.

Since I didn't have pizza like I wanted, I was depressed and to make it worse my phone began to ring again, and I knew it was England so I made sure to ignore it.

What had my life come to? I just didn't know anymore. All I wanted was pizza, but no. WHY HAS GOD TORTURED ME SO. Still pitying myself, I looked out my door and Russia was still out there creepin' like the troll he is. Realizing that he wasn't going to leave anytime soon, I opened it again.

"Alright, what do you really want?"

"Good relation."

"Oh okay, and who told you I wanted better relations with you?" Really now.

"Boss told me so. Your boss called too."

It took me a few moments, but then I did remember. Last week Obama called me about getting foreign relations up, but I was too busy trying to come up with an epic cartoon. That and I was hosting the next World Conference in Washington D.C. in a few days. Oops.

"Oh-OH."

"Hehehe," Russia giggled.

"Dude don't laugh like that ever again. No wonder you don't have any friends."

"Okay." I gave him the evil eye, because I knew he was going to do it again. No matter what Russia says, I know he's still a true commie at heart. He just kept smiling.

"May I come in?" I wanted to say no, but I knew that I couldn't.

"Uhhhh, sure…"

To say that the entire situation wasn't awkward at all was an understatement.

Russia sat at my kitchen table. He didn't really do/say anything. I guess he thought I would start some type of conversation with him. But he was wrong, because I don't talk to communists, or terrorists for that matter. IN THE NAME OF JUSTICE.

"Justice?" Russia asked. "What does that have to do with meeting?"

"I didn't say that." Oh lmao, guess I just said that out loud.

"You did. I do not understand."

"You're not supposed to dude." Then I whispered for a heroically dramatic effect, "Because you'll never be a hero."

"Oh."

I wanted this statement to sink in, so I gave him the stare that they do in action movies. Like in the one scene in the Avengers where Loki's father is a like, "Son, you will never succeed the throne." And Loki is all like, "F you dad."

See, it was supposed to be a very deep moment until Russia ruined it by changing the subject.

"I come to warm relation, just as vodka warm body during cold weather —"

"Uh dude, you just ruined the moment."

"—I want to warm your body."

"UHHH."

Russia was all like, ^J^ creeping me the fuck out.

My phone rang again from the fridge, and suddenly I didn't even care that it was England anymore. I was about to walk to my fridge to get it, but Russia stood up and put his hand on my shoulder. He looked into my eyes intensely.

This was not the dramatic moment that I had imagined.

I was desperately trying to get out of Russia grasp, when suddenly my doorbell rang.

And I was going to cry. Why? Because it was the pizza guy.

Thankfully that got Russia to let go of me. "Hmph. I will get door."

After he left I was just sort of frozen in place. I guess being around Russia for no more than fifteen minutes can really get to someone. Who knew?

To take it easy, I laid down on my couch. As you can already assume, my life is very stressful.

I didn't think of Russia, England, or Canadia and the phone, nothing.

Well, now that I think about it, I must have really been in out of it because I didn't realize just how long Russia was at the door.

That should have been the first warning bell, but I don't know I guess I just wasn't paying attention earlier. Eventually I kicked my legs over and off the couch to check up on him, because I don't trust Russia in my house.

He was just standing at the doorway with his pipe in one hand, and…

"HOE-MA-GOD. WHAT DID YOU DO!?"

"I was very surprised."

"YOU KILLED HIM!"

Okay, so all of you are probably really confused right now. Well, I'll clarify that for you. England was at my front door. Dead.

I cried deeply.

"I am sorry for your loss. But all is well."

"What do you mean?!" HOW CAN ALL BE WELL WHEN ANOTHER COUNTRY WAS DEAD AT MY FRONT DOOR. Seriously, I was trembling, but Russia went on trying to explain in his own creepy psychopathic way.

"When door open, England tried to hit me, he thought I was you and lashed out how you ignore phone call. In self-defense, I hit back. England's puny body could not handle it."

So, to sum it all up, everything that just happened was all because I didn't answer England's phone calls. It wasn't just today that I didn't answer either. A little over a… month maybe? But that still didn't mean that it was all my fault! If Russia wasn't so violent and creepy, it wouldn't have happened.

"Dude, you don't just carry random water pipes and hit people with them!"

"I am not finished. He is not dead. He is unconscious, but hard hit may take week or so to wake. Lithuania crushing only take week or so before happy again."

"Oh…" And what did he just say about Lithuania-

"Am surprised you do not come earlier. He was not very quiet. Loud and obnoxious. Like you."

"Agh, I know he's so annoying…Wait a sec, HEY!"

Russia just kol kol koled.

This was all of his fault, so I let him know this.

"This is all your fault."

He stopped koling, and stared at me. "Mine? If you answer phone call, incident would not happen."

OH. OH. No he didn't. My fault? That he couldn't control himself and killed, uh, knocked England out cold in front of my door. Uh uh.

"If you were like any normal person, then you wouldn't have attacked him! I can get you arrested for this. My country, my rules dude."

Russia seemed to let it sink in for a few moments, but then replied with a grin, "And what if I say you are accomplice?"

"WHAT, dude there's no way this is my fault."

"Clues go back to you."

I was trying to think of some witty remark to counter his accusations. But I couldn't of anything. I was SPEECHLESS. Why?

Because I realized he was right. The phone call, the front door, even the England! WHAT WAS I GOING TO DO?

I mean really, England called me several times over the past month(s), he's a close ally, we've been arguing a lot during conferences lately, he happened to be badly beaten in the front of my house, and I was the last person he called….

This did not look good for me.

"Do not fear little America, arrangement can be made."

At that moment I didn't want to let Russia know how internally conflicted I felt, so I responded, "What arrangement? I'm fine! It's all good, ha. LONG LIVE CAPITALISM."

Russia just stared at me. Kinda like he thought something was wrong with me. And there wasn't anything wrong with me. There was something seriously wrong with him. I mean really, blame me? The U.S. of the A? HAHA. Yeah right. To prove my point, I started to laugh.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-"

Russia just smiled at me and started laughing too. Like you know, that weird kolkolkol thing with black/purplish aura surrounding him? Yeah, he was laughing like that. All creepy and gay. And when I mean gay, I mean like happy gay, not gay gay.

(But I bet he's gay gay too.)

(Don't think I hadn't forgotten about that vodka incident from earlier.)

I don't really remember how long we stood there just laughing. With SpongeBob still playing on my old VHS tapes, with England dead at my front door. With the door wide open. With blood on my floor. And Russia's bloody water pipe in his other hand.

But there's no such thing as a coincidence. Everything happens for reason, and apparently today Jesus wanted England to be unconscious (dead?) at my front door, and for me to partner it up with Russia in crime.

Whilst we laugh, Russia asked, "So we have deal?"

I could only hope that the neighbors couldn't hear us.

Oh, and in case you all were wondering, I never did get my pizza. :(