"Don't leave," I couldn't tell if it was a command or a request.

"But I-"

"Everyone leaves, just stay. Stay," if he didn't sound so desperate, I would be afraid. Now I just felt sorry for him. He clutches onto my arm, and I can't pull away. I couldn't leave even if I wanted to.

"I need to go. I'm independent now. You can't stop me."

Hurt, his violet eyes look away for just a second. He yanks on my arm, pulls me down on top of him. Perhaps I'm not as strong as I think, but I struggle anyway. In a few minutes, I give up that fight. He holds my back tight to his belly with one arm, strokes my hair with the other.

"This is nice, da?"

His heat soaks through my jacket, stifling me. Nervousness and heat soak my back with sweat.

"I-it's hot."

"Then let's take your jacket off, Toris." Still pinning me to him, he unbuttons my jacket with one hand and slowly pulls it off.

"Aren't you hot?" I tug on one of his sleeves. It's not like I want less layers between us, but my throat is too dry and my body is too wet.

"Mm, yeah. I guess." He slides off his coat while keeping me close.

There is less Ivan and more air without his coat.

"I miss you," he says softly as his left arm slides up my back and fingers the knotted scars. Unintentionally, I whimper and shudder as his cold hand traces my past and memories that I don't want.

"I'm sorry," he whispers as he nuzzles into my shoulder.

"Why? Why are you saying this now?" I choke on the dry lump in my throat. "Why-I mean, how can you say this now? After all you've done?"

He rests his forehead on my neck and sighs heavily. The cool air flutters down my back like a butterfly trapped between us. He leans on me for a few more seconds, breathing butterflies, before he turns me around with one of my legs on either side of my lap.

"I didn't know any better," Ivan sulks. He looks me in the eyes, and it hurts to see his hurt. Then he pulls me close, chest-to-chest, and he lays his head in the crook of my neck. One hand lazily plays with my scars.

"I like the way they feel," he explains before I ask. "Reminders of me for you."

For a few seconds, I am part of Russia again. I am breathing the same breath, sharing the same beating heart.

He pulls back my hair and gingerly licks my neck. I shiver and push away from him. He does not resist.

"You want to go..." he says dejectedly.

"Yes, I want to go." I firmly assert as I grab my coat.

He does not say another word, just watches me leave.

With the door closed behind me and the frosted air swirling around me, I stop. I feel the scars and I think to myself Why did I even come here?