-1Jonas, Thongs, and Pop Star Sex Gods
Chapter 1: The Confessions of Stormy Momsen
(A/N: So I've read half of the "Angus, Thongs, and Full Frontal Snogging (or Perfect Snogging for movie watchers)" series over the weekend and I love the style it's written in, so I wanted to make a sort of spin-off of it. Yeah, I am gonna keep updating "Eenie Meenie" btw.)
August 17
8:52 PM
First day of school is tomorrow. Muerte.
I am currently sitting in the middle of my bed, typing this, and staring off at my Famous Stars and Stripes belt that's temptingly dangling from the footboard of my bed.
I wonder how much it would hurt to fasten the thing around my head and then hang myself from the ceiling fan. I really don't want to go to school tomorrow.
For one thing, I go back to being invisible. Not that I wasn't at home of course. My mom's been redecorating the whole bottom level all summer and my dad's been in and out on business. Oh, and my brother James, is as crazy as ever. The other day, he lead my cat, Jonas, over into our neighbors yard.
The neighbors have these super annoying Pomeranians. They look like giant squirrels. No joke. One's an ugly gingerish color, the other's blonde white, and the other looks like a mix of the two. I want to shoot all of them with a large gun. Again, no joke.
Anyway, Jonas (the cat) has balls of steel. He'll take on anything that moves. When James took him into the yard, (Why? I don't know), he walked over to the door leading out to their patio and waited until they let those dogs out. The three dogs ran out, yip yapping and being as obnoxious as ever and that's when Jonas attacked.
Ginger came back with a clump of hair missing. Blondie was bleeding. The ugly orange one must have ran for it, because when Jonas got returned by Ugly-Male-Neighbor, who cursed at my mom after James bolted, only mentioned the red and white ones.
Anyway, besides my mom and dad, the brother, who thought it would be funny to fill my sink with the pudding my mom intended to make dirt cake out of, and Jonas, my life is dull.
Here's six facts about the sadness that is my life:
1.) I go to a prepatory school in Atlanta, Georgia. Meaning roughly, I'm forced to wear things that coordinate with blue, green, silver, and lavender. Yes, lavender. Yes, all the boys have to go with lavender too. Yes, they look gay. Anyway, there's this horrendous rule that we have to wear and ugly striped headband in our hair everyday at school, no matter what. It does not matter if our hair is in ponytails, down, or in a messy bun. The headband must be visible…and not on another part of our bodies, like my best friend Cory tries. She's as mad as a Hatter, but not quite as mad as James, thank God.
2.) I am fifteen years old and I have never had a boyfriend, nor have I been kissed by anyone other than my parents, brother, and I guess if you count Jonas biting my lip as a tried to pull a tick off of his head a kiss, then Jonas. Sure, I've liked boys, but they've never really been equally into me.
3.) I don't think my chest is ever going to grow. It's utterly ridiculous. My mom has the biggest boobs I have ever seen outside of a magazine. Where am I? I am at a double sad double A. Ugh, I want to die.
4.) One of my other best friends, Tara, is four months pregnant by some guy she met at a "Study Abroad" thing. Yeah, she studied abroad alright…but maybe not by the book. Well, unless she was studying anatomy, then I guess it counts. Anyway, she thinks because she's gone all the way, home run, full monty, whatever, that she can sit there and treat us all like we're children. She's the one that's a year older than us and supposed to be an example, but no…she got knocked up. I don't mean to sound hateful, but I know the rest of us are sick of it too. Oh, and this could be a separate thing, but I'm almost at 6, so I don't want to waste it…My mom doesn't let me hang out with her outside of school anymore. She agrees with the bad influence thing. She may be a bad influence, but I like her all the same.
5.) I have to wear these horrendous thick framed glasses (not like, true nerd glasses, but like…a good middle ground…and the frames are circular, not square) until my 16th birthday, when I'm getting contacts. What parent gives their kid contacts as a present when it is highly necessary that I have them now? My crazy ones would.
6.) I went all summer without using sunblock…got burnt ten or fifteen times…still no tan. 'Eff my life.
So yeah, those are my reasons for not wanting to go to school and hating my life.
I am not going to school tomorrow.
August 17
9:00
I think if I hung myself from the ceiling fan it wouldn't work. The fan would get ripped out of the ceiling by the weight of my horrid, pale body. Ugh.
August 17
9:02
Hey, maybe the fan would like, impale me in the back of the head and kill me.
August 18
7:00
On the bus to begin my failure as a sophomore in high school. Great.
I also got up late, so my hair's in natural waves, looking like a hot mess, and I think my bump in my bangs is a little too high. I'm probably walking around looking like I've came from the Jersey Shore, except wearing a hideous school uniform.
The bus just picked up Cory. She actually looks decent, in comparison to me. He hair is in two tight, cute, braids with little lavender bows on the bottom to match her oxford polo.
Her headband actually looked cute with it too…crap it!
I forgot my headband. Great, first day and I'm going to get a demerit. The ceiling fan is looking good again. I think there's one in the lobby of the school. I'm not wearing the ugly uniform pants today, so unfortunately, I have no belt.
Double muerte.
Suddenly, a headache comes on, go figure.
August 18
7:15
This day just improved like WOAH.
Our bus stopped again where we usually picked up this really gross kid named Ryan Butler, who was rumored to have make out lessons in his basement after school hours, but this time, along with Ryan, another kid got on.
This kid was absolutely gorgeous. He was around the same height as me, with shaggy brownish-blonde hair and a dazzling smile. He had on aviator sunglasses and was talking to the creepy Ryan guy.
Something was odd though, from the moment he stepped on the bus there were loud roars of whispering, high pitched squeals…and then Cory solved this mystery for me.
"Oh my gosh, is that Justin Bieber?"
Pop-star Sex God Justin Bieber now goes to our school
.
I am deciding now what to think of it.
August 18
7:20
I was about to just agree with Cory and say it is awesome, but as the bus stopped, hoards of girls ran up to him, knocking me over and sending my glasses flying to the front of the bus.
Amazing.
Par for my life.
August 18
4:23
OH MY GOD.
Okay, so the remainder of the day bored me until we got into American History and I was assigned to sit behind PSG, JB. I couldn't read a thing of instructions that Mrs. Haynes was writing on the board and my head was hurting much worse from my lack of glasses.
I was rubbing my temples, trying to soothe the pain when Cory kicked me from behind in the leg.
"What's wrong?" She asked.
"I can't see a thing without those stupid glasses! If I had my contacts, none of this would have happened!"
Suddenly, PSG, JB, turned around, "Did you say you lost a pair of glasses?"
I nodded, my mouth hanging open, or so Cory says.
"I found these on my way out of the bus."
He handed me my disgusting glasses. I slid them on. They weren't actually messed up. Ace.
"Thanks." I breathed, staring into those beautiful brown eyes.
"Anytime, Shawty."
He called me Shawty. Oh my God.
He must do that to all the girls he knows though. Or worse, he could do it to any girl he meets. Maybe he's some sort of man whore. Gah, I don't know.
I'm just going to stop being cynical and hope for the best.
August 18
4:33 PM
Yeah, that's so not in my nature.
I am determined to crack JB like an egg.
Cory suggests it's boy-stalking time. As creepy as that sounds, it must be done.