First off, I just want to assure you I DO NOT have writers block with LaFS. I have a lot in store with that fic, and I know exactly where I am going with it. The next 20 chapters are already mapped out.
I just had to get this out of my head. It was interrupting my progress with my next LaFS chapter and would not leave me alone.
This little fic resulted from someone else's story being so fucking great it is tormenting me. It was her story that inspired me (forced me) to write this , but my story is very different from hers. You can try to guess which fic I am referring, but I don't think you'll know. There is only a few clues in here. (Yes, the other story is slash as well)
QueenBeta Cullen818 owns me.
Disclaimers: I do not own Twilight or any of its characters. This story is intended for mature audiences only. Enough said.
My Only Choice
JPOV
It isn't as awkward as it could be.
Being in the same room with my ex-lover and his fiancé.
If I could have him again, I would do everything and anything to keep him this time, but I already had my fair chance, and I blew it…royally. But, if I were given another opportunity, I'd say all of the things I omitted before.
I'd tell him I love him this time.
I'd tell him how beautiful he is, how proud I am of him, and how glad I am that he is mine. All of those things I had failed to mention previously.
At one time, all he wanted was me, but I rejected him, which is why I am now, four years later, in this current predicament; sitting across from the love of my life, and his soon-to-be husband.
But if my only choice is to have him as a friend, I will accept it. Now that he is living back in the small town that we grew up in together, the thought of no longer having him in my life is unacceptable.
We had separated the summer before college. One afternoon, when we were both eighteen, after a tremendous amount of anxiety, I finally had the conversation with him that I was dreading. I told him that I didn't want to be gay anymore. I also told him that I had lied about which college I would be attending that fall, so we wouldn't be rooming together as he thought I had arranged for us.
He begged me to reconsider, but I stuck to my fucking stupid, and naïve, guns.
I left him in his parents' house, sobbing, and screaming my name. Little did I know then, that this particular scene would be a recurring nightmare that would consequently replay itself in my head throughout the years to come.
After our break-up, I stopped eating, I stopped sleeping. No matter what I did to reload, I couldn't focus on anything. I almost lost my summer job, at the local video store, due to tardiness, absenteeism, and a fuckload of mistakes, but, fortunately, my boss liked me, so she overlooked her misgivings about keeping me on, and let me stay for the rest of the season.
I missed him already, but it meant little to me, because I didn't go back. I didn't seek him out. I made my bed, and I had to lie in it. I reasoned that it wouldn't be long before I would leave for college, and my new life. My hope was that I would be leaving Edward Cullen far behind.
Two weeks before I left for University of Washington, I found out that Edward had already left for the other side of the country to attend Northwestern University. My gut twisted painfully to finally quantify the full extent of the ramifications of my moronic decision.
He was really gone.
And so was the temptation…so I had forced myself to rationalize.
That had been four years ago, and prior to a couple of months ago, I hadn't seen him since that horrific day at his parents' house.
A day that I want so badly to have back.
I was so stupid back then, I didn't know what I really wanted. Saying that I was perplexed about my future would have been a gross understatement. I thought that I was just having fun, enjoying our youth, and that eventually I would give him up, so I could become a straight man, capable of having the American dream; complete with a wife, pet and 2.5 kids.
So, when Edward and I were filling out college apps, I purposefully picked universities that he hadn't applied to, having to ignore the constant pain that nagged in my chest, threatening to break once we were separated for good.
Our relationship had started when we turned sophomores in high school. We had been friends forever, but as our bodies matured we found that we were strongly attracted to each other. Before we had a chance to deny our feelings we tumbled into a tumultuous and volatile affair.
We took every available opportunity to fuck and suck. We were rough in bed, both of us not understanding why we weren't normal, and taking our confusion out on each other. The worry of the constant threat of our dirty secret being revealed, and being ostracized by society for feeling the way we did, hung over our heads daily.
After our junior year, Edward resigned himself to being gay. I, however, lived in constant denial that I was destined to a life with no kids, which I had wanted so badly.
That is another thing I wish I would have realized back then; being gay didn't eliminate the possibility of ever having children. I am a witness of that statement today.
I am at a small celebration for Bella's first birthday. Eric and Paul had adopted her last August when she was only a daunting three months old.
Edward and I had been friends with Eric and Paul since middle school. They hadn't "come out" until the end of our senior year. It had never occurred to either Edward or me that we weren't alone in our inability to follow a path of normalcy.
But by the time that we had learned of their similar preferences, I had already secretly made my decision that I was not going to live that kind of life.
Like I ever had a fucking choice. Yeah, I was a stupid fucking idiot, and because of that, I now have to watch the best thing that ever happened to me kiss and cuddle with someone else.
Yeah, Edward had finally returned to his hometown, and me - with his fiancé in tow. Since his arrival I see them off and on, usually at gatherings like this.
I have to at least give him credit for having the decency not to display his affection openly in front of me. Whenever Seth tries to kiss him or put his paws on him, Edward half-heartedly responds, and pulls away as quickly as acceptable, without drawing attention to his lame attempts at reciprocation.
Unfortunately, he always follows up these altercations with a sympathetic look in my direction, which never fails to twist the knife located directly between my aorta and right ventricle.
It hurt, because he actually feels bad for me, because he is happy and in love and I am all by myself.
Eric and Paul are married, for all intents and purposes, and deliriously happy, Edward and Seth are on their way to that very same conclusion, and then there is me.
Yes, I am the fifth wheel. Unwanted and utterly useless.
Eric and Paul had just finished washing the cake that had covered Bella from head to toe, and are in the process of putting her to bed, so it isn't even a possibility that I can pair myself up with her for the remainder of the festivities.
They come back in the room with their shirts soaked with bath water, or I should say sink water, which is where they cleansed Bella from her birthday treat. They both have infectious smiles on their faces, as I feel my own face forming a purely genuine smile for their infinite happiness.
"We're just going to change quickly, and then we can start the movies." Eric says. They join hands, and swing them between their bodies, as they saunter down the hallway to their bedroom.
I glimpse over at Edward who has a small smile on his perfectly supple lips. He must've been glancing at me as well, because as soon as my eyes meet his bright green ones they flicker quickly away.
Eyes that I had watched darken with passion and lust. I suppress a moan, and change thoughts before I humiliate myself more than I already have by simply being here without a partner.
Even though I had never truly forgotten about Edward throughout my first year of college, and in fact, thought about him quite often, I still hadn't given up the hope that I still had a choice when it came to my orientation. It wasn't until I was well into my second year of college before I finally gave in to my innermost desires to be with the same sex.
I had gone from girl to girl, seeking for a glimpse of the satisfaction and contentment that I had with Edward, and when I failed horribly I did the only other thing I could do - I abstained - until I was starving for affection.
Eventually, one night I got roaring drunk, and I broke. My mind didn't give me an option but to revel in memories of Edward and me, together in passions embrace. The torrent of emotions that I had pushed aside for so damn long were overwhelming, I shed many tears as I realized the repercussions of what I had done. I had carefully locked away the love I had felt for Edward and the agony of my loss. That night I exposed everything. Nothing was left uncovered. I had the perfect life, with the perfect guy.
It had been all mine for the taking…and I would move heaven and hell to get it back.
With my new found realizations I set out replacing Edward, wanting to pour all of the love and attention that I never gave to him onto someone else. I dated men…well, not dated...fucked. I fucked men. Night after night, I met men in bathroom stalls, or dark alleys, sometimes in dirty apartments, or the backseat of cars, searching desperately for the feeling I had when I was inside of Edward.
The feeling of being at home, but each time whatever I was looking for eluded me.
That was until I met Garrett. Garrett was the definition of tall, dark and handsome. We met at school, and I tried to seduce him instantly, but he thwarted all my, previously foolproof, attempts to get him into my bed. I began to slowly court him until I wore his resistance. We shared a night of passion, and even though the feeling wasn't as bright or as intense, it was the same type of feeling that I had when I had been with Edward.
I savored that feeling for as long as Garrett was around.
Garrett and I had been together a couple of months when I found him in his apartment, on the floor in the bathroom, weeping. I panicked not knowing how to deal with such a situation. When he noticed me standing in the doorway his sobs gained momentum. He cried openly, asking me over and over again to forgive him.
I didn't know what he had done, and I was scared shitless to find out, but it didn't stop me from falling to my knees in front of him and taking his face in both my palms. It was that day, on the bathroom floor that he had told me he had been keeping a secret from me.
He had found out several months before we started seeing each other that he had a tumor, the size of a pea, located at the stem of his brain. The tumor was found to be cancerous, which was ultimately the reason why he had been so adamant about us not getting together in the beginning. At the time, the surgeons told Garrett that they couldn't safely operate, that there were big risks involved, and so Garrett had made the decision to not do the procedure.
He had been living in the same guilt-ridden hell that I had been, about my sexual preferences and found, at that time, that death would be preferable, thinking that the cancer was his punishment for his sinful nature, and one he was more than willing to accept.
While we had been together he had been living in remission, and with our adoration growing for each other every day he revisited the idea of having the dangerous operation. When I found him in the bathroom he had just had an appointment with his doctor to discuss the results of the tests he had secretly taken the week before.
The news had been cataclysmic to both of us. The doctor had determined that the operation was futile, since they had found that the cancer had spread further into his brain, as well as traveled to his lungs.
I dropped out of the rest of that semester, and stayed with him every second while he suffered his painful ending. I watched, at the end, as they basically starved him to death while curbing his appetite with large helpings of morphine.
He had told me he loved me just before the morphine had taken the life from his body, and I had loved him to.
So, for the first time in my misbegotten life I said the words.
Long overdue words.
Words I should have said months back, when Garrett and I were happy, or years back, when I felt love for the first time.
He died knowing I loved him.
Garrett's passing was a little over a year ago, and I want to be happy again, I really do, but I had decided to put love on the backburner for a while, and to center my attention on my new job at Forks High School, as the schools only music teacher.
I see in my peripheral that Seth is making another move on his fiancé. He grasps Edward's thigh, and I torment myself by watching, as his hand slowly inches his way toward Edward's perfect cock. Edward scoops up his hand, and holds it in mid air just over Seth's intended target. He attempts to laugh it off, as he blushes becomingly. His eyes shoot to mine quickly, before they bounce about the room.
Seth glowers at me, knowing that I am responsible for Edward's unwillingness to participate in his lighthearted shenanigans.
I want to bolt, but I war with myself, because I also do not want to give up any time that I have with Edward, even if that meant that I had to share his time with his lover.
Thank God Eric and Paul reappear, easing the tension in the room. "Well, are we ready to start the movie or do you want us to pop some popcorn?"
I make a split and desperate decision. "Can you please hold off for a minute? Go ahead and make the popcorn. I am going to text James and see if he wants to come over." My gaze wanders over to Edward and Seth. "That way I will have someone to cuddle up to too."
It is a joke. I smile and let out a bark of laughter.
James and I are just friends, and work colleagues, but my slight laughter dies an uncomfortable death when Seth and Edward don't understand what is so funny. They have no idea who James is to me yet. So, they didn't comprehend my humor at the mention of cuddling with him.
Ugh. Kill me now. Please.
I had tried not to analyze the look that had passed across Edward's face when I brought up James. It looked suspiciously like jealousy, but I had to of imagined it. Maybe hoping for it made me see the minute flare of his eyes, but now, he certainly doesn't look jealous, he looks delighted. A small smile plays on his lips, as if he is happy for me, and the "flare"…yeah, totally gone.
"James?" He questions, innocently curious.
As I pull out my cell to text James I enlighten them on my relationship with him. "Oh yeah, I guess you haven't met him yet. He works at the school with me. He is the school's science teacher. We're just friends, but it will make things a little more…even." I flash a wink and signature fake smile at them.
My smile fades, as the horror of this whole day weighs down on me. I look down at the keyboard. With agile fingers, born by a deep and acute desperation, I quickly begin punching in my plea…or threat.
Get yur ass ovr to E/P if u no whts gud 4 u
Paul and Eric disappear into the kitchen to prepare the popcorn, and I smile nervously. Silence fills the room and I fidget in my seat, as it seems like the remaining occupants in the room wait on pins and needles for James to respond. I silently pray for him to be at home…alone, so he can make me feel less like the pathetic singleton that I am.
It should have been no surprise that when my phone beeps, signaling that I have my answer, that everyone jumps slightly.
Give me 5. Whts Up? Sounds dire.
I thank my lucky stars that James lives less than a mile away from Eric and Paul's place, and doesn't have a current boyfriend to monopolize his time.
I smile into the screen of my cell phone, and Edward responds. "Is he coming?"
I nod my head in affirmation, keeping my head low, as I quickly type my ominous message.
U'll c
"That's awesome…right sweetie? Jasper won't be alone now." Seth says as he pats Edward's leg. I think I hear him say a weak "he isn't alone", but I am not entirely certain that my ears aren't playing tricks on me, as my eyes had been, only moments ago. So, I don't want to even hope that there might be something to his sudden melancholy.
My relationship with Edward is still somewhat on tenterhooks. When I heard that he had arrived back in town I immediately went to his parent's house to search for his forgiveness, friendship and possibly more. When he opened the door, and found me on his small porch, I could feel the shock radiating off of him, it was so palpable. He didn't recover quickly enough, and eventually the voice from the other side of the door grew closer and closer until Seth stood in the doorway.
It seems that Edward must have told Seth a little about me, because I noticed an intense hostility right away. It wasn't until I had asked for a moment of privacy…for the third time, that Edward finally stepped in, and told Seth to finish unpacking, and that he would meet him up there shortly.
I didn't want to focus on the subject of Seth, and his engagement to the man, so I left him out of the conversation that had turned out pretty much one-sided. I gave him the speech that I had practiced for about four years, and asked for his forgiveness for my juvenile behavior. I basically had told him that I had grown up and I realized how wrong I had handled our situation. I omitted some of the details of my speech, like; I still love you, give me another chance, and I want to be the one to build a future with you.
Due to the circumstances being as they were, those comments were no longer considered appropriate, and they seemed rather insignificant when the person upstairs, unpacking his clothes had dibs on Edward's heart.
I settled for asking if we could be friends again. He gave me a non-committal shrug, and said we would see. I left with my tail between my legs, wondering when and if there would ever be another opportunity for us to talk again, seeing as his family and mine ran in different circles.
It should have seemed obvious at the time that they would gravitate to the only other openly gay couple in Forks, and our high school classmates.
Paul and Eric like to entertain, so during the last couple of months Edward and I have met at their house occasionally for gatherings of one sort or another. Each time we meet our conversations get a little deeper, but we have still steered clear from bringing up each other's sex life, and with Seth being present also, our topics are limited.
Everything I really know about Edward is gossip I learn from Eric, and from what he says, Edward and Seth are really happy. They met in college almost two years ago. Apparently, Seth asked Edward to marry him six months ago, but have not set a date for the ceremony.
Would I be invited to that? Would I want to be invited to that?
Could I summon James to attend that dreaded event if the need arose? I could only pray that I would own some kind of life by that point, and that I will have a proper date to that wedding.
The doorbell rings, and before I can get out of my seat Eric runs to the door, and lets my savior in.
"Jamie! So glad you could make it honey. Your man is in the living room." I cringe at Eric's use of words. He knows me and James' status, but he never leaves an opportunity open to refer to us as a couple. Wishful thinking, I am sure. I know that Eric would like to see me settle down into a solid relationship, and he does like James.
Speaking of, James turns the corner and enters the room. He is wearing a black solid t-shirt and low slung jeans; the fabric of his cotton t-shirt is stretched over the taut muscles of his biceps, and massive chest. With his shoulder length layered blond hair and big golden eyes he is sexy as hell, and fit as can be…but regrettably, just not my type. I prefer tall and lanky men, with defined and toned physiques, not bulging muscles and six packs, like James.
Thinking of my brand of guy causes me to glance over at Edward who seems to have gotten two shades paler since I looked at him only moments ago.
"Oh." I say, mentally shaking myself from my thoughts. "This is my buddy James." I turn to James. "This is my…friend Edward and his fiancé Seth." I say pointing in the happy couple's direction. The word "friend" tasting like acid on my tongue.
James' eyes widen slightly, but other than that, he doesn't show any signs that he is putting two and two together. I had previously told James about my childhood best friend before he had even arrived in town, but since he has been thrust back into my life I have speak about him on a regular schedule. I find it impossible to keep my thoughts off of Edward for too long, and since James and I hung out at work as well as afterward he was subjected to my constant musings and past regrets.
"It's nice to meet you." He says, inclining his head to them, and then disarms me with a smile I have never seen him bestow on me before. I brush it off when he drops down on the loveseat next to me, and casually drapes his arm along the back ledge. He turns his body toward me, but looks at Seth and Edward inquiringly. "So, engaged, huh?"
Seth clasps onto Edward's hand that is resting on his thigh. "Yep. I am hoping that the ceremony will take place by the end of the year." It takes all my restraint not to show my disappointment and heartache. I feel James edge closer to me, suffusing me with his body heat, and unconditional support.
"Cool." He replies than he turns his honeyed eyes to mine. "So Jazzy, what did you think about that lecture Principal Cope gave the students on the dress code?"
It is hard to ignore the gasp that I hear from the other side of the room, and if I wasn't already so in tune to Edward I probably would have never heard it. I won't look at him. I know he would be stunned to find out that I let someone else call me by that name.
"I…I…thought she was being…a…" bitch. I trail off, because my throat constricts at the mere mention of what James called me, and the implications of what that would mean to Edward. I want to scream that I never allowed James to call me that, but why would it matter to Edward now anyway? It is all just fucking semantics at this point.
I can understand his surprise though. I had never allowed anyone to call me "Jazzy" except Edward. Not even Garrett. Back in high school, Edward was well aware that I would have cold-cocked anyone that repeated what I let only him call me. That is one piece of information that I have never relayed to James. He had no idea that had been Edward's pet name for me, and I silently curse why, of all days, that he chose today to call me that.
"Movie time!" Eric announces, as he enters the room with two large bowls of popcorn. He gives one to James for us to share, and he hands the other one off to Seth, for him and Edward to split.
Eric turns back to Paul to grab the remaining bowl of popcorn, while Paul is left to juggle the six open bottles of beer. He passes them out, and then heads to the DVD player to put in the first of two movies. I sigh, it wouldn't be so bad if Avatar hadn't been one of them, because not only was that not my favorite type of movie, but it is approximately three hours long.
Normally, I could count on being asleep before we reached the end of the first half, but as per usual, whenever I am in the presence of Edward, I am hypersensitive to everything going on around me.
Looks like this is going to be an all-nighter.
James curls into me so that his feet are on the couch touching my thigh lightly. It feels strange, but I don't move for fear he will think I am rejecting his purely innocent touch.
About a half an hour into the movie James scooches closer to me, and puts his head on my shoulder. What the fuck? I have never had to worry about my relationship with James. I thought we had both made it pretty clear we weren't interested in being anything more than friends.
I lean down to whisper. "What are you doing? Calling me that…and then doing all of this." I don't have to repeat what he had called me earlier for him to remember, he just looks up at me and smiles brightly. Another one of those smiles he hasn't graced me with previously, and I can only describe it as one of complete adoration.
I shiver at that thought, but he quickly eases my anxiety.
"Just seeing if we can tickle ol' Eddie's jealous bone."
Thank God.
I roll my eyes at James naivety. "Don't bother. I assure you that he doesn't have one."
"Whatever you say man." He chuckles, and I watch him glance over in Edward's direction…and wink. Fucking wink. That must have meant that Edward had been watching us. I duck my face into my chest, so I can hide my blush. I lift my head when it's safe, and I glance over at Edward who has resumed watching the movie.
I settle back into position and give James an evil eye, who is still smirking at me mischievously.
"I thought you wanted him to think you've moved on." He whispers.
I sigh. I just don't know what I want anymore. All I do know is that I do not want his pity.
But that doesn't mean that I should have to put my relationship on display in order for him to believe that I am happy, whether it is the truth or not.
Because I don't think I could ever be genuinely affectionate with anyone in front of Edward, and it seems he feels the same way.
And just like the way fate has a fucking way of playing with me, I hear Edward moan softly.
"Quit it." He admonishes quietly.
I look over to see that Seth's hand has disappeared under the blanket that they are sharing, and suddenly I need to get the hell out of here, before this gets really ugly.
"Do you need another beer?" I ask James in a whisper of concentrated desperation.
James notes the expression on my face, and gulps the last half of his beer for my benefit. As he guzzles the amber liquid a drop escapes his lips and dribbles down his chin. I gather the small droplet on my fingertip before it falls on his shirt.
"Goddammit." My eyes fly across the room where the hissed word had transpired. Edward's eyes are hot and staring directly at me, but Seth's hand is visibly moving underneath the blanket right over Edward's dick.
He continued to gawp at me, not removing his lust-filled eyes from me for one moment.
Fuck. I can't tear myself away from his intense gaze, but it is killing me. I want to pull my hair out as he watches me – watch him, get off. When it becomes blatantly apparent that Edward lifts his hips in reaction to Seth's ministrations I have reached my fucking limit.
So much for not showing affection in front of me.
I stand up intending to flee, hoping to save what is left of the shredded remains of my sanity. I don't want to hear anymore, or see anymore. I glimpse at Eric and Paul as I pass them. They are sprawled out on the couch, with Eric lying directly over top of Paul. Both new parents are sound asleep, most likely inspired by the constant mischief of their overactive one-year-old.
I extract two beers from the fridge and pop the tops. I opt to grab a glass of water to calm my raging emotions before I go back into my carefully constructed hell hole.
I should be ecstatic for him. I want to be ecstatic for him, but that doesn't mean I want to watch him being groped under a blanket. My God, they are going to have the rest of their lives to do that bullshit.
After I finish the glass of water, I stand at the sink with my arms spread on both sides, holding my upper bodyweight. I dip my head between my shoulders, and try to gather my fucking shit together before I walk back out there.
I close my eyes and focus on taking deep breaths, and attempting not think about anything.
I can do this. I didn't lose Edward tonight, I lost him years ago.
I turn swiftly, with reinforced strength from my little pep talk, and am standing face-to-face with the object of my unrequited desire. He stands at the door - staring. I hope he hadn't been there long, but that hope is squashed when he finally speaks.
"Are…" The word comes out rough, so he clears his throat and begins again. "Umm…are you okay?"
I squeeze my eyes shut for a second, attempting to sort out my jumbled thoughts. I travel to the space in my brain labeled "blanket lies", and pick from the list. "Oh…yeah, umm, just a lot of work stuff on my mind."
His awkward smile lasts about two seconds, and then he stares at his feet, not knowing what to say. Eventually after a very uncomfortable silence he holds up the empty beer bottles in his hand, in silent justification for being in the kitchen at the same time as me, and then moves to the refrigerator.
I move to grab James' and my bottles from the counter, meaning to leave, but he stops me. "So, how are things going?"
He leans against the fridge feigning nonchalance, but I can tell it's a façade because his fingers drum on the refrigerator door. Edward has strummed his fingertips on things as a nervous habit since he was about ten. He knows that I am aware of this, and stops the action immediately, balling his hands into tight fists as an alternative.
"It's going…okay." Oh, that sounds convincing.
I don't want him to feel sorry for me. I am not dead in the water yet, I still have hope that I will find my happiness too.
So, I try again.
"Actually, things are going great. Since this is my first year at school, I have been so busy creating lesson plans, and trying to conquer the formidable task of figuring out how to get into a teenagers mind."
Edward laughs, and it is the sweetest sound that I have heard in a long time. "Well, that shouldn't be too hard. I mean, it wasn't that long ago that we were teenagers."
My childhood best friend, and my teenage lover, reminding me of my adolescence brings on a wealth of memories. It seems it does for him too, because he grows quiet, and his cheeks present a tantalizing blush.
I study his face, comparing him to that of when he was a teenager. I notice the scruff on his jaw, which is thicker and coarser. I remember when we were fifteen; we had shared our first shave together. We stood in front of the bathroom mirror, are faces covered in shaving foam, and razors in our hand.
"Are…are you ready to do this?" I say, full of trepidation.
"Do you think it's going to hurt if we cut ourselves?" He asks, with wide, innocent green eyes.
"I don't know…on the count of three, okay?"
And so on the count of three we both slid the razor across our faces. After that first swipe, we both leaned into the mirror to see the results, and then we checked out each others. After we were done, we fell on the bed laughing our asses off about what we had just done. We spent the whole night touching our own faces and then one another's. Over the next few years, we had not only shaved together many times, but we mastered the art of shaving each other's faces…and other places.
But now, his five o'clock shadow only enhances his exquisite beauty. I can't help but stare at him. The silence becomes deafening, and his cheeks turn a deeper shade of pink under my perusal.
He does look so fucking happy.
So beautifully fucking happy.
"Being engaged agrees with you." I admit quietly. "I have never seen you so happy."
His eyes dart to the darkened window, his face clearly showing pain, but when he turns back to me his features are masked. Edward had always been an open book, but now his jade eyes hold no emotion, and I can't tell what he is thinking. He has apparently developed the skill of hiding his emotions, and it makes me wonder if my leaving him had any part in him honing this particular ability. It would kill me if I had left Edward with emotional scars.
"Jasp…" he begins, but I stop him by holding out my arm to forestall him. He complies, and by the look of resignation that takes over his ethereal features, I think he realizes that whatever he was going to say is probably better left unsaid. Nothing he can possibly say will make me feel better, in fact, I am pretty sure whatever he would have said in that breathless tone of voice or with that look in his eyes would make me lunge for him, Seth be damned…
But I couldn't stop myself from taking a step closer, so that we are almost toe-to-toe. My resolve is diminishing rapidly, as I hear each intake of breath, and his heady scent fills my nostrils. I know I have to get out of here fast, before I fuck up this very fragile association I have with him. But there are so few moments I get with Edward alone, so I give him a few words from my heart. "You deserve nothing, but the best…of everything."
And I wish I could be the one to give them all to you.
My hand moves of its own volition, to his cheek. A battle to cease and desist my bodily reactions is ridiculously futile. My hand cups the side of his face, as my thumb swirls lazily along his cheekbone. He sighs softly, and he leans into my hand, pressing his soft flesh into my aching palm.
It seems like hours later, when it is actually a matter of seconds that we simultaneously jump away from each other. We stumble out mutual apologies, and quickly exit the kitchen.
When we return to the movie, Edward seats himself on the corner of the loveseat, choosing not to use the blanket for the rest of the night. And so it goes without saying, that I am left to endure Seth's glares, and James snickers, for the rest of the evening.
The very next day Edward set the date for their nuptials.
November twentieth.
They would be wedded in just a few short months.
XXXXX
Over the next month I temporarily refrain from going to Eric and Paul's place to avoid any interaction with Edward or Seth. I just can't pretend right now.
I have to allow myself time to get used to the fact that my ex-boyfriend, ex-lover, and my love of a lifetime is going to be bonded to another for life, that Seth will be Edward's husband, and that I will forever have to stand by their union, and accept that Edward is happy without me.
I think I had furtively harbored that hope that until they had actually had their ceremony that I still had a slim chance that we would find each other again. You know…not over until the fat lady sang, and all that. Now that slim chance is fading quickly, and I find myself unprepared to deal with the situation as it stands.
I had spent a lot of time with James, in the surrounding cities, while I studiously evaded all the remaining gay men in the small population of Forks, Washington, because I know I have to start getting out – meeting people…meeting a man, specifically.
I sit in front of the mirror attempting to tame my locks one more time. I finally give up, and straighten the collar of my new gray button up shirt instead. I gaze in the mirror one last time, before I amble out into the bedroom, locking the clasp on my watch as I walk.
I stare at the invitation that lies haphazardly on my bed, and close my eyes in bitter frustration.
Paul and Seth's second anniversary is tonight.
Another invitation I had to politely decline due to another couple that will be in attendance. It is a month before Edward and Seth's wedding, and I still am not ready to face the fact that I am never going to have that second chance with Edward again.
All of the excuses that I had previously used to avoid Eric and Paul's were made up, but today I have a valid reason. A date. Of course, Eric was skeptical of my plans, but I had assured him I had met a very sexy, very available man, at a new club in Seattle that James and I had checked out last week.
I had met Jacob on the dance floor. He had on a starch white button up that wasn't buttoned up at all. I observed him dance, and my palm itched to run over his silky tan chest, slick with a light sheen of sweat. He was a little more muscular than the man I imagined myself with, but then again, he wasn't anything like the man I had previously imagined myself with.
He had black hair, and not copper, his skin was golden and not pale. His eyes were as black as his hair, not a beautiful piercing green.
No, Jacob is exactly the opposite of Edward…and exactly what I need.
I watched as little twinks circled him, like vultures, on the dance floor, begging for an opportunity to catch the gorgeous man's attention. He danced with a few of them, but grew bored quick enough.
When I finally had enough drinks in me to head out on the dance floor he approached me instantly. He backed up against me and gyrated his ass into my cock in time to the overplayed, but pungent beat of Lips Like Morphine by Kill Hannah. He reached behind him and grasped onto my hips while he continued to grind his hips into mine. I became emboldened by his interest in me, and splayed my hands over his wide bare-naked chest, while my lips rested over the crease where his neck and shoulder met. His muscles jumped and flexed as I roughly massaged his pecs, skimming my fingers over his distended nipples and down his hard, washboard abs. I didn't dare go any lower, but we had shared the rest of the evening together, dancing, conversing and flirting shamelessly.
We don't have a whole lot in common, but I am not moving in with the guy, I am having dinner with him…at his place, which pretty much means that he will be expecting sex. I am not opposed to the idea, just slightly nervous. It's been a while since my last one night stand, and I don't want to fumble through and ruin, what could be a valid prospect.
It relieves some of the pressure that it appeared, by Jacob's dancing, that he is a bottom, or at least that he took me for being a top. When Edward and I were together we flipped, and I had thoroughly enjoyed both ways, never preferring one over the other, but after we broke up, and I realized there wasn't any way that I could be straight I became a firm top. I don't think my decision had anything to do with Edward; I just really never had the desire to bottom again.
I emit a short bitter laugh. The irony doesn't escape me that Edward would be the only one I ever let fuck me.
My cell phone beeps loudly and propels me out of my musings, which frustratingly always come back to Edward. I smile at the text message being displayed.
I'll B ovr 2mrw to hear gory details. Wear condm/have fun
I wish I could be attracted to James because we definitely have a lot in common.
Not 2 erly, hpeflly I wont be home til morn
I am being pretty optimistic, but not overly so. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that Jacob as into me.
I gather my keys and the directions to Jacob's house, which is lying next to the elusive invitation on my bed. I stare wistfully at the stationery one more time before I head out the door.
I can dwell no longer. I am keeping my fingers crossed that my new life starts today.
XXXXXX
"Well, what happened last night?" James asks as he sips coffee, sitting at my kitchen table.
"I don't kiss and tell." It's not that I wouldn't normally tell James. I have revealed details from other past flings, but this one…ugh.
"C'mmmoonn Jasper."
"There is nothing much to tell. I went over there, he had a nice meal prepared, we talked for a little while, we made out…and…andthenwefucked." I mumble the last words quickly.
I turn away before he can see the sadness on my face.
"Ohhhh, Jazzy finally got some." He sing-songs.
I bang my fist on the kitchen counter. "DON'T call me that." I hiss. The remorse is immediate, but I know a simple "sorry" isn't going to suffice in this instance.
"What the hell is going on with you?" He says as he studies my defeated expression. "Forget it. I know exactly what this is about." He says disgustedly. "This is about Edward isn't it?" I avoid eye contact, and he snorts. "Well, what does he have to do with you finally getting some with a hot guy last night?"
I slide into one of the chairs, and fold my arms on the table, so that I can lay my head down on them, as I reiterate what I had done last night to ruin any likelihood of a future with Jacob Black. "I was not into it, he knew it…I…I had to do something." James sighs and drops his head, knowing exactly where I am going with this, but I keep going anyway. "I pretended like it was Edward underneath me, and well, in the end…um, he figured it out."
James lifts his head, and he looks just as distraught as me. "You said his name." I nod, and immediately put my head in my hands, shaking my head dejectedly. "What happened after that?" he asks.
"The shortened version is that he threw my clothes at me, said he hated me, and that he never wants to see me again." I shrug, as if that is an everyday occurrence, because it's just fucking par for the course, with my life as of recent, and I deserved every bit of what Jacob gave me, plus more.
"Why?" I lift my tired eyes to James. "Why can't I move on?"
"You will, Jasper. After he gets married." He reaches one arm across the table, and I meet him there with my own. Our fingers entwine. "You'll just have to."
That's it.
There isn't any plan, preparation or strategy. There is no line of attack, or tactics for which I will have to perform. No immunity or stealth to build up.
When the time comes…
I will just have to.
XXXXX
After James leaves, I soak in the hot tub, not worthy of enjoying such relaxation after what I did with Jacob yesterday. I realized after it was too late, that I should not have been there with him…that we should have gone slower. By the time I recognize the mistake, my semi hard cock was in Jacob's mouth, and he was endeavoring to coax it into growing and hardening, but my body just wasn't willing to cooperate. I struggled to think of anyone but Edward, but after a while, and the obvious frustration mounting from Jacob, I let images of Edward pour through my mind.
Images and positions overtook my mind.
The next thing I knew I had cum and apparently said Edward's name at some point in the course of flipping him over, putting on a condom, fucking his ass and having an orgasm. Jacob promptly, and rightly so, threw me off of him, and I skedaddled as fast as I could.
I pull my hands out of the heated water, and hold them in front of me. My fingertips resemble raisins so I get out of the tub and put in a movie that would most likely put me to sleep.
I must have done exactly that because I was suddenly awakened by the doorbell. It feels like I have been asleep for about ten minutes, but I focus on the television to see that the movie was at the main menu, signaling that the movie had played itself to its end.
What time is it?
The doorbell rings again.
Oh yeah…the door.
I scramble to the door sleepily, but am at my full wits when I see who is at the door.
A disheveled Edward.
He scans his eyes over my complete frame, which makes me harden faster than a lightning bolt, and it perturbs me that he has this much power over me, when I couldn't get it up for a hot naked guy sucking me off last night.
I remove myself from the doorway and he enters. "Umm…have a seat."
He meanders over to the overstuffed chair, and sits on the edge. He looks frazzled, as he rakes his hands through his hair, in what looks like a painful grip.
My concern for him overwhelms me. "Can I get you some…"
"Where…where have you been?" He says with quiet fervor. "You haven't…you haven't been around." His eyes flit around, refusing to meet mine.
"What? Do you miss me?" I say jokingly, trying to stall, while I figure out why Edward is here without the protection of his fiancé. Without Seth here I am liable to say things that wouldn't be wise, but I know I will try my best for the sake of our futures. I didn't need to cause a rift. Little Edward is better than no Edward.
My comment causes Edward to look like he is going to throw up. "I was just worried that maybe you weren't coming around because of me and Seth, and…and…I don't know Jaz…Jasper, maybe we should alternate events if you don't want to be around us…" He trails off looking hopeless. His eyes are glassy, and he looks so utterly depleted. It looks like he hasn't slept, dark rings under his eyes, and his irises, usually bright and vivacious, are dull and lifeless.
God, I can't stand to see him like this. The last time I had saw Edward cry was the day I had broken up with him, and the devastation of that afternoon will forever be embedded in my memory as if it had happened yesterday. Never did I want him or me to live through an ordeal like that again.
So, I bend low and capture one of his tears with my finger. "Please don't cry baby." I can't stop my mouth from speaking endearments that I shouldn't ever be allowed to use for him again.
Another tear escapes his eye and I steal that one with my other hand, gently caressing the skin. "Please, beautiful." I feel my own tears forming. "Goddammit, stop."
"Why Jasper? Why won't you come around anymore?" He sobs out, and then hiccups. Witnessing him in such distress tears at my heart.
"Please don't do this to me." I whisper, begging him frantically, as I hang loosely on the edge of my moral obligation to be happy for him, and show said happiness.
This isn't happening.
His tears flow heavily now, and they are dripping down the hand that I hadn't realized was still on his cheek. He grabs my shirt and sobs. "Why Jasper? Why did you leave me?" His voice grows in volume with each word.
This isn't happening.
He didn't wait for me to answer. "When we were in Eric and Paul's kitchen last, you said that you had never seen me happier." His fists are tugging at the collar of my shirt. "But you have…you did…every day…every fucking day we were together…I was happy." By the end he is screeching, almost hysterical, and I most certainly feel close to lunacy myself.
His weeping finally subsides, and he drags his bloodshot, puffy, gorgeous eyes to mine…
And my knees go weak…
And my heart skips a beat…
And my head spins with what those eyes are telling me.
Please don't say the words.
Please SAY the fucking words.
"I loved you Jasper. I still love you. I will always love you. You have no fucking right to be mad." He yells the last part, and his voice remains at that octave. "You didn't give me any choice. I am just living the most with what I have left. You can't do this to me because of that." He cries out. "Seth is good to me. He…" I interrupt him by clasping his face in my hands. I don't want to hear where he is going with this.
Because his words have opened the floodgates.
"Give me another chance. Please." I plead. My tears match his now, falling freely. The heavy beads slide down our cheeks, over our stubbled jaws, to wet the front of our t-shirts.
He starts to shake his head, but that answer does not suit me, so I hold his head firm in my hands and crash my tear-soaked lips to his. He tries to pull his mouth away, but contradicts himself by pulling the cotton of my shirt closer to him. I place open, hot, wet kisses on his mouth, waiting for his stubbornness to evaporate, just like my chances at survival without him become dust in the wind.
His lips are tightly sealed; short bursts of air come out of his flared nostrils, fanning my face, as he remains steadfast, but I run my lip along the seam, as I fist a handful of his auburn locks in a tight unyielding grip. I suck his top lip in my mouth and bite down gently. He moans, and opens his mouth for my instant invasion. My tongue celebrates its victory by swirling around the interior of Edward's mouth, claiming it as mine, once again.
He responds with equal fervor. His large hand clasps the back of my head to keep me from moving away as he assaults my mouth. I feel like the luckiest man on the earth, and I feel more alive than I have in four years. I can feel lights turning on in my body, things that I hadn't known were hibernating are waking up inside of me. My heart swells, and in that moment I feel stronger, healthier, and more vibrant. I had only been half alive, and I didn't even know it.
This. This is what I need. This is all I'll ever need.
Our tongues rub together in one long, smooth thrust, which causes us to moan in unison. Sadly, that is what ends the moment, and Edward pulls away.
But I don't look at it as a disappointment, but an opportunity.
I say the words that I had hidden from him so many years before. "I love you, Edward. I loved you then, and I never stopped loving you. I regretted everyday what I had done to separate us. I don't want to live without you again…"
This apparently is not what Edward wants to hear.
"I…I have to go." Before I know it he has made a beeline for the front door. I make it in time to catch him with half of his body out the door.
"Please Edward, don't go. Please stay."
"I'm sorry. I…I can't do this..." His words paralyze me, and he takes that time to wriggle out of my weakened hold on him.
He shuts the door quietly, and I release an agonized sob as I stumble into the chair that Edward had been sitting in.
Oh my God, it still smells like he is here.
I grab the throw pillow and squeeze it to my chest, while I weep in torrents. I have lost him again, and this time it was by his choice.
I'd give up everything I have to be with Edward again, but he doesn't want the same. The tables of destiny have turned, and now I feel how he had on that fateful afternoon.
I feel the helplessness, fear, and frustration at the lack of ability to control my own future, and it is…devastating.
Catastrophic.
Apocalyptical.
The punishment is swift and just.
An eye for an eye.
I had walked out on him, and now he had walked out on me.
Somewhere during my bout of depression I fall into a fitful sleep.
I wake up the next morning with a kink in my neck, and a numb arm that I had slept awkwardly on.
In contrast to yesterday when I had felt like I had my youth back while kissing Edward, today I feel like a decrepit old man. Hobbling to the kitchen I put a cup of yesterday's brew in the microwave.
After fifty seconds of warming, I take a seat at the kitchen table. With elbows on the wooden surface I rest my head in my hands, wondering what life has in store for me now.
I spend the day attempting to focus on my plan for educating teenagers on the finer arts of Opera in the 1700-1800's. They don't care, because at the end of the day they just want to get their hands on the instruments so they can pretend they are rock stars.
It takes me all day to come up with a lesson that will take, in my estimation, about one day…when the subject is supposed to last us all week.
Fuck.
XXXXX
I trudge on…
One day after the next. I walk through Monday in a sadness, Tuesday in haze, Wednesday in pity, Thursday in self-denial, and Friday well, misery, but I make it through the first week, and that means something to me.
It means that I will survive.
So, on Saturday...I make pasta.
My favorite dish, chicken linguini, and James invites himself over for dinner.
We chat. We even laugh.
James avoids all mention of Edward, and I refrain from mentioning that November twentieth is in thirteen days.
If I act robotic, than James is kind enough not to point it out.
We enjoy good food and light hearted conversation. At least, the best that I can under the circumstances.
James talks about his latest beau as I stare into my wine glass, trying to be happy that he seems to have found a successful relationship.
Once our plates are scraped clean I get up to retrieve dessert.
I am just pulling the strawberry pie out of the refrigerator when the doorbell chimes.
James eyebrow shoots up curiously. "Expecting someone?"
"Nope." I look down at my hands, pie in one and a knife in the other.
"Let me get it for ya." James jumps up and swaggers to the door.
I wait to hear voices, but I hear none…for an unusual length of time. I set down the knife, and I head toward the foyer. The closer I get, the whispered voices get louder. I meet James at the door, to see that he is having a heated conversation with Edward.
"Edward?" I whisper breathlessly, shocked at his reappearance at my front door.
"Jasper…can we please talk…just for a minute…umm, or I can come back later if I am interrupting something." He looks from me to James, and then back to me.
I look at James. "James…" I say stoically, but my eyes beg him to understand.
I know it's rude. It's the kind of shit you don't do to your friends.
I know it isn't right, that I am asking James to leave. But I know he will forgive me. I know we will still be friends after I all but kick him out.
I have no idea what Edward wants. Will he be here to hurt me further?
But if I have learned anything at all, it's that it doesn't matter when it comes to Edward.
Whatever Edward wants, Edward shall have.
James stares at me hard. He sees that I won't change my mind, and heads to the kitchen to get his coat.
"Come in." I say to Edward. "Have a seat. Would you like something to drink?" I say absently, already moving toward the kitchen to have a few words with James before he leaves.
"No." he calls out, as I reach the fringes of the archway to the kitchen.
"James. Thank you."
He looks at me with his golden eyes, sharp and intense. "Do you know what you are doing? Will I have to come over tomorrow to pick you up off the ground?" He asks angrily.
"Would you?...I mean…if I needed you to?" My eyes sting with tears, knowing that could very well be the case.
His eyes soften instantly. "Of course I will Jasper." He moves passed me to the door, opens it and steps outside, without saying another word to Edward. He turns and puts a hand on my shoulder. "Call me if you need me."
I cover his hand with my own, and I smile warmly at him in answer.
I shut the door, and hesitate before I walk back into the living room. Edward is sitting in the oversized chair he sat in last weekend, and it takes almost all of my strength to squelch the severe case of déjà vu that tries to suffocate me with fear of a repeat performance.
I sit on the edge of the couch, tense in anticipation as to what is bringing him unexpectedly back to my house thirteen days before his impending marriage.
"Are you and…umm, James…" he trails off looking embarrassed and uncomfortable.
"No, Edward. I told you James and I are just friends. That hasn't changed."
"Okay." He says, shaking his head slowly, obviously trying to gather his thoughts, as I have seen him do so many times before.
The silence is making my anxiety level reach epic heights, and I feel like I am on the verge of my very first, full blown, panic attack. I can't take it anymore. "What are you doing here?" I blurt.
He looks up quickly, my words breaking him from his musings. "I…well…I wanted to let you know that I broke it off with Seth."
"What?" I ask in astonishment. Never would I have guessed that is what Edward is here for.
"I…I am not with…"
"Why?" I interrupt. The shock is still present in fiber of my body, but my heart is beating out of my chest. An insurmountable hope blooms, and I can't keep the lid on it.
There could only be one reason that he is here to tell me this…right?
"He...we…didn't suit." He finishes lamely, looking at his hands, and I can clearly see the emotions playing over his face. He is berating himself for his use of words to describe such an important detail.
The open book is back.
He's back.
My Edward is back.
"Why are you telling me this?" The question is just a cover because I really don't need the extra confirmation. I am already up on my feet and stalking him, closing the distance, slowly. He sees me bearing down on him, and his mouth opens to accommodate his shallow breathing.
I fall to my knees in front of the chair that he is occupying. "Tell me." I whisper.
His breath is rapid and choppy, and all sorts of fucking hot, because I know more than one way to get Edward Cullen to breathe like that.
"Because I love you." He chokes out.
Our lips meet frenetically, and mold in a kiss full of four years of yearning. He breaks away, but only just enough to get the words out.
"I wanted to call you this week, but I thought I owed it to Seth to not contact you while he was still here. I am so sorry. I hated the way I left things, but I had to break it off with him before we started something neither of us would want to finish. Forgive me Jazzy?" His lips pluck at my own, as he asks for forgiveness.
I answer by growling into his mouth. I can feel him smile against my lips. But it doesn't take long for the kiss to get desperate in nature again.
"I thought I lost you for good." I murmur against his lips.
"Jazzzzy." He chides playfully, but his expression turns somber.
"Don't you know? You've always been my only choice."
AN: What? No lemon. I was going to, but this was just too long winded already. I think this story was pretty good without one though. If you would like to see an epilogue chapter that will include the lemon and what happens to these boys afterward let me know, otherwise I am pretty satisfied just to call this one complete. In any case, I really appreciate reviews.
Next chapter of LaFS should be out in a couple of days.