Want

All I have ever desired was to be wanted. To feel wanted, rather than to feel forced into the crowd out of pity. A genuine love and interest is what I desire, I suppose.

But it's always beyond my grasp. Ever so slightly out of reach as I desperately claw at it, like a child running after fireflies. But I did catch it once. Not too long ago.

We had been marching towards Regna Ferox, just on the outskirts of the Northroad when we had come upon an injured pegasus—Hespera—who became my steed. Well, when I am allowed onto the battlefield she is my faithful steed. She was wounded by a stray arrow and somehow I had managed to calm her.

"Go ahead, I'll dress her wounds and catch up with you later." I told Chrom. In that brief moment, he had smiled back and told me to be safe and hurry fast. That he would be waiting for me until I did. The curve of his lips as he smiled, his hopeful eyes. The gentle pat on the shoulder he gave me before heading off with the other Shepherds. It had made me feel genuinely wanted for once in my life.

But like a child with a firefly, I cracked the clasp of my hands a little too far to steal a glimpse of it, appreciate it. In the blink of an eye, out it buzzed, leaving me unwanted and dejected once again.

It's as if I'm always just one step too short, one moment too late, one stupid mistake made that holds me up from just being wanted. It's as if I'm an eyesore, a lesser member of the Shepherds for it. I mean, if you were tripping over your own two feet you would feel less wanted too, wouldn't you?

I've tried to make myself more useful in every way imaginable. I've tried to wake earlier to tend to the horses and pegasi, but I ended up causing a stampede when I scared Frederick's steed when waking her. I've done my share of cooking that left half the Shepherds poisoned, the other half starving. I've sewn myself to ruined stockings when mending hosiery and pricked my fingers until they bled red like the sun. And all this time, I've just been dismissed with a pat on my head and told politely to leave.

I know I can be useful, and I try so hard but… It's never enough. It's not enough for the Shepherds who are fighting so hard to end this war. It's not enough for Robin, who holds all our lives in her hands. It's not enough for Chrom either. Nothing I can offer will ever be enough for him.

And here I am, desperately wanting to be useful to him. To be wanted by him once again. Even if it's just for another fleeting second.

My hands freeze against my steed's mane. Hespera's eyes flicker open and she looks to me with her softened, wise gaze. "Sorry girl," I say quietly. I gently smooth my hand over her muzzle and return to brushing her mane.

I feel so helpless, so weak. Pegasus knights are supposed to be strong, elegant ladies, like Phila and Cordelia. And what am I? A clumsy ditz with not an ounce of usefulness to her name. I don't even know why Chrom would let me into his elite group, and how could Robin even allow me to step foot onto the field? Half the time I'm forced to stumble away to the infirmary before I can even see the thick of battle.

I finish brushing Hespera's mane and sit down on the soft grass. It's a beautiful night; the temperature is warm and the sky is clear. I can hear the other Shepherds laughing and singing old drinking songs in the garrison. I feel like I don't have the right to be around them at all, I'm not a true fighter, not a true Shepherd.

Well, do you really think they would want you around? I think to myself. You are a klutz… You'd probably break all the bottles they're drinking from or set the tent on fire or something.

Hespera lets out a heavy sigh as I glance up at her. I gently pat her side as my gaze trails to a small patch of flowers near her.

"Flower fortunes…" I whisper. "Should I girl?"

I look up to Hespera for an answer, coming in the form of a slow blink. A small sign of approval. I smile nervously before reaching forwards. I recognize the flowers as pansies, one of my favourites. I pull one from the earth and sit on my knees.

"Here goes," I murmur to Hespera. I pull off the first petal.

He loves me.

I shut my eyes and pull another one.

He loves me not.

Another.

He loves me.

Another.

He loves me not.

Another.

"Chrom, wait!"

I open my eyes and squint. In the distance, I can faintly see two figures walking across the edge of the pasture. At mention of his name, my eyes widen.

It's Robin, not too far in the distance. Her snowy hair is almost luminescent in the moonlight. Chrom strides a little ahead of her. At mention of his name, he turns around to face her.

They move too far away for me to see, but I already know what's happening. Anyone, even those who had spent less than a day around them, would know that they are both head-over-heels for each other. Yet here I am, clinging onto the hope that he would have room in his heart for me.

You can't be selfish, Su. It's just not meant to be. Count your blessings as you have them. You're… you're…

"Unwanted." I whisper to myself.

It's the cruel, perfect cycle of desire. I want Chrom, Chrom wants Robin, Robin wants Chrom. Someone is always left behind, someone is always unwanted.

And that someone is me.

It seems it's always me that's left behind. The unwanted. The scraps of fabric left behind from a beautiful dress or the last cup of tea that no one can stomach. Everyone changes and evolves and I'm still here; I'm still just Sumia. The simple, foolish girl who just wants to be wanted. Something so selfish.

I glance to the pansy, with one violet petal left.

"He loves me," I choke out, pulling the last petal away. I look back to Chrom and Robin in the distance. He's turned to her and they face each other, face to face. They talk for a moment and I can hear their voices raise. I brace myself for it, my mind screaming at me to turn heel and run away. To return Hespera to her stables and prepare her for bed. To hole up in my tent for the night and drown my thoughts in pages of pegasus care and tales of Shanty Pete. To be anywhere from here.

But I don't. Instead, I stand as they draw closer and closer together before Chrom grips her shoulders and embraces her tightly, kissing her in the process. In that moment, all goes silent in the night. I can't hear my drunken comrades singing and hollering, or Chrom and Robin talking, or Hespera's sighs. All I can hear is the thudding of my heart.

My hands tremble as I reach out to take Hespera's leadline. Chrom and Robin continue to embrace and I can hear their voices, happy and high. I watch as they turn heel, now hand-in-hand and walk back towards the barracks.

I stand in the middle of the pasture for a moment, fighting the tears in my eyes. I blink quickly, trying to keep them from falling. "W-Walk on," I shakily force out.

She begins to walk as I struggle to keep steady breath. My cries slowly become hiccups. Salty and stinging, they blur my vision before slowly rolling down my cheeks. I stop walking and cover my mouth, stifling any noises I make. My grasp on the leadline loosens until I drop it.

I shouldn't be saddened by this, I should be happy for them. I should be cheering Robin on when we she comes to look through my library, or urging Chrom to make a move when I bring him pies. It's perfect; they're meant for each other. The captain and the tactician. The high prince and the girl from the field. A match made by Naga herself.

And yet, I can't be happy for them. I can't be happy because once again, I'm left unwanted. I'm the one constantly left behind while everyone else has another person that's theirs. The last soldier picked to go on patrols. The last lady to be asked to dance at the parties. The last girl amongst the lines of eligible bachelorettes, waiting for their hands to be taken. I'm left in the dust, as clumsy, stupid, unwanted Sumia.

As much as I need him, Robin needs him more. I love both of them so much, with all my heart and more. So I must be strong. For them. For me. I could never turn my back on either of them: as my lord and lady and as my friends. No matter how it aches my heart to see them together. No matter how badly it hurts to know that they both want each other; that they have each other. No matter how scorned and cheated I feel.

I am Robin's friend, just as I am Chrom's knight. I am an ally to both of them. And I know in my heart that Chrom does want me. Just… not in the same way as I want to be.

So, I will gladly resume role of his companion and fellow soldier. If he should want me in that way, I will be whatever he desires. Until my final fall on the battlefield, I will be his friend. I will force a smile when I see them together. I will hide my envy and sadness as they walk hand-in-hand across the camp. I will look away when they embrace after a battle won with Chrom's command and Robin's genius.

I will keep these selfish feelings hidden away, far from his eyes. I tell myself, dashing these thoughts away. I wipe my cheeks with the back of my hand and gather myself. I let the pansy drop from my grasp and into the vivid green pasture.

I take Hespera's leadline once more. I clear my throat, gently patting her muzzle. "Walk on,"

A/N:

I relate way too much to sumia lmao,.. i wanted to try smth different w 1st pperson pov n present tense n shizz