"We should be back at the ball by now. People will be wondering-"
"No one will be wondering, I told Peter that I was going to bed." He cuts me off, instantly reassuring me. I relax a little and lean over the edge of the balcony. He stands beside me, hesitantly placing his hand over mine. I sigh and bend my head; my hair falls over my face, covering the blush that creeps up on my cheeks. I turn to lean back against the railing, I can feel him look up and walk over to me. His hands are next to mine, trapping me between him and the railing. I glance up to look at him and he's staring at me so intensely I have to look away. He chuckles and just to contradict him, I pull my head up to look him straight in the eyes. Those dark, chocolate brown eyes, they make my heart melt. I pull my arms up and rest my elbows on his shoulders, fingers tangled in his hair. He bends his head down to press our foreheads together, he's leaning in but I pull away. Confusion and hurt build up in his eyes so I pull his head back to rest on mine. I close my eyes and whisper to him.
"Just promise me you won't leave me like last time." I open my eyes to find him gazing into them. A faint smile crosses over his face and he smirks. He truly is the best thing in my life; I attempt to force the away the smile that tries to surface on my face, but I fail.
"I'm deadly serious Ed. You know I am." I can't control it any longer, and I burst into a fit of giggles. I turn my face away to look down on the beach. A thousand moments rip through my mind at once; A thousand happy moments of days lazing on the sand, jumping from the hills into the turquoise surf, falling over from laughter with him. He gently pulls my chin up, easing me from the memories. I look directly into his eyes with such intensity that I think mine will pop out of my head.
"Promise me." I urge. He just stands there, looking at me. So I begin to detach his hands from my waist; but they remain there, strong as ever. I sigh and gaze at our feet, his either side of mine. I look up in defeat. I raise my eyebrows to ask him again, this time he answers. This time his lips come crashing down on mine.
I open my emerald eyes. Just another dream. I hate them. Love him. Hate dreams. Simple. I sigh and swing my legs over the edge of my so-called bed. It's basically a chunk of wood on stilts with a couple of itchy blankets to sleep on. I glance around and realise the others are beginning to wake up as well. It's stupid really. They call us Civilian Assistants, we're just servants. We're nothing special, just a bunch of underpaid teenage girls; Most of us are around 16/17 years old. They hire us because we've got no experience, they say they're helping us to become more familiar with the world of employment; we're cheap labour because we don't know how much we're supposed to be paid, or treated. We were always told that working in Caspian's home was going to be rewarding; In fact, a lot of us in here were brought up to want to serve King Caspian. Sure, I guess it's an honour, but the majority of us have never actually even seen him let alone served him.
"Come on, Lyra." Yvie calls my name from by the door, "We're actually on in HIS dining hall today. Can you believe it?" She giggles and gestures to the door. I pull my grey tunic over my head and my standard brown trousers over my legs, my clothes are a little too small so they hug my body, accentuate my curves, not that there's much point in that, the one who I love is gone. I slide my feet into the compulsory black plimsolls and trudge over to the door where Yvie is already halfway down the stairs. She's stopped a few steps from the bottom to wait for me; when I get there she's off again, running down the hallways and screeching to a halt moments before she nearly bursts through the doors. Yvie brushes imaginary dust off of her top and I pull some of the knots out of my auburn hair with my fingers. I catch her sky-blue eyes and she winks at me. We each take a deep breath and push the double doors open.
The moment we're inside my eyes instantly lock with a familiar pair of chocolate brown ones and my heart melts like a pound of butter. I bow my head and look down at my shoes like they're the most interesting things in the world. This can't be happening. It's not meant to be happening. Especially not now. I last saw him 2 years ago, he'd gone to the Lone Islands with Caspian and they weren't set to return until next month. My father had left me and my little brother, Felix, after mother died and Felix had just fallen ill with GMM (Gnome Mumps and Measles). I'd taken him to every doctor and apothecary in our village and the surrounding towns, but to no avail. Finally, one old washer-woman directed me to Caspian's castle. She told me that Caspian had a professor who knew the correct combination of herbs and incantations to cure Felix. I thanked the woman and she agreed to let Felix stay there for the night while I went back home to pack up our old Appaloosa, Jonah. I gave his dapple grey coat a rub down with an old rag and tacked him up. I fixed a couple of sacks with some spare clothes and blankets in them to his old, hack-worn saddle. I pulled on an old burgundy cloak and packed 2 extra ones, one for me in case it got colder and one for Felix when we came back home.
I rode back into town and picked up Felix from the woman, who had managed to slow down the speed of his rising temperature. I had given her half of the money I was saving towards a new saddle to thank her for her kindness. She helped me seat Felix on the saddle in front of me and we began the half an hour trek around the hill to Caspian's castle. By the time we got there, it was raining and my thighs were numb from riding. I knocked on the door and to my surprise it was King Caspian himself who answered it. I began to calmly explain what was happening, but by the end of it tears were streaming down my face. He called to a young man and woman who walked straight out into the torrential rain and carried Felix inside, Caspian went to sort Jonah into a new stable and he gestured for me to go inside. The people who had carried Felix in, to my shock, were Peter and Susan, High King and Queen of Narnia. Lucy the Valiant became my best friend and Edmund the Just, he was something more. Caspian's professor tried all he could, for several months, to save my baby brother but he died after 5 months of all the wrong treatment. I held his hand as he left, my perfect 7 year old little brother, he'd never done anything wrong; he'd never even been out of our village before.
For 3 months after Felix's death, I sat in an old oak wardrobe. I didn't leave for meals, I didn't sleep, and I only left my bottomless pit of despair for bathroom breaks, which ended up being in the middle of the night so I didn't have to see anyone. In the end, it was Ed who found me. He never told anyone where I was, whenever they asked, he was always so vague. Apparently I'd run away to some village about 3 miles from here and hidden in a pile of hay in an abandoned stable. Edmund never forced me to eat, or sleep, or speak. He just made me do it, absentmindedly. If I didn't eat, he wouldn't. If I didn't sleep, he'd sit up with me until I did. If I chose not to speak, he never urged me; he'd just sit there watching me until I decided to. This boy was my rock, still would be, if he hadn't left. We'd been planning on going on a hack through the forest on a lazy summer Sunday morning for a while, so when he wasn't at breakfast I was confused. When I went to the stables and found Phillip still snoring I was a little annoyed. When I'd waited half an hour at the feet of a tacked-up Jonah I was hurt. When I'd galloped all the way to our secret meeting place in the woods to find nothing I began to worry. When I found out later that evening from Lucy that the Peter and Edmund had gone on a 2 year long voyage, I was heartbroken. Edmund was the only person alive that I really truly knew I loved and he'd left, just like that he'd gone on a boat for 2 years and left me wallowing in a pit of self-loathing.
His sudden departure made me feel like there was something wrong with me. It made me worry that I wasn't right. That I was too clingy, or strange, or annoying, or ugly, or still too tied up in my brother's death to notice he wasn't feeling as happy as he should. For that I hated him. I told Susan and Lucy that I was leaving for my village in the morning. They tried to convince me not to, but it didn't work. In the end, I never left; I insisted that Caspian hire me as maid so that I could pay him back. He told me that what he did was out of kindness and pity that he'd never wanted anything in return. I replied to this saying that I felt rotten about living here, eating his food and using his horse tack that I had to pay him back, I hated owing people.
So here I am, with my best friend Yvie standing in front of one young man who is desperately trying to remember who I am and the love of my life whose eyes are full of regret and apology and hurt and longing and, most surprisingly, resistance. He looks like he's having some sort of inner battle with himself to stop from jumping out of his seat and swinging me round like he used to. I manage to retain my calm expression and walk straight through to the kitchen to collect the food with Yvie. The moment we're out of the dining hall she raises her eyebrows, knowing very well that they can still hear us through the doors; I just shake my head dismissively. She immediately drops it and whispers in my ear.
"Lyra Warren, if you don't tell me whatever is going on with you and the Just. I will personally assemble the shooting squad to carry out your murder. Understood?" Yvie tries to keep a straight face, but only for a few seconds before she bursts out laughing, guaranteeing strange glances when we go back into the hall.
"Yvie Parker, I solemnly swear that I will tell you every single thing that has ever happened between me and The Just, as soon as it's our shift to do the horses. Agreed?" I say back, almost inaudible over her cackling.
"Fine." She mumbles, having regained her serious composure just before we walk back through the doors where 5 certain royals will surely give us uneasy glances.
Strangely, the looks we get are all different. Peter is still trying to place me in his memories, squinting at me. Ed leans over and whispers something into his ear. Peter's eyes widen suddenly, and there is the recognition that was in Edmund's eyes. Lucy is giving me a somewhat forced-looking smile, obviously attempting to make me feel comfortable. Susan nudges her and the smile dissolves into slight confusion. Caspian nods at Yvie and as he catches my eye, he winks at me, subtly jerking his head in Ed's direction. The person that I have loathed yet loved for the past 2 years is still staring at me. All of the regret and resistance and hurt and apology have left his eyes. All that is swimming in his chocolate brown pools is pain and longing. I lock eyes with him, hardening my gaze, making him feel what I felt, I want to make him want to run away and hide somewhere unfindable. I knit my eyebrows into a scowl and he drops his head, looking even guiltier than when he'd trodden on a little baby hermit crab, squishing it flat. I mostly feel cruel for making him so upset, I love him, why am I making him feel even smaller than the hermit crab; but somewhere inside me is a little piece that disgusts me, it thinks he should be punished, it thinks that this is what he deserves, that little piece makes me sick. It's all that remains of whatever I inherited from my failure of a father other than my green eyes.
We serve tea, then toast, then pancakes or waffles with fruit. The 3 courses drag by, barely changing. Caspian makes polite remarks about Susan's appearance and she returns them with grateful thank you's and it's nothing really's. Lucy asks Peter and Edmund about their voyage, Peter tells her about helping out in the small villages along the outskirts of the cities in the Lone Islands. When he asks Edmund about anything, the answers are single words, whispered, barely audible, except to me, I've missed sitting up late at night, whispering about anything. Halfway through the final round of pancakes, it hits me. The seating arrangements haven't changed. Ever. Caspian and Peter sit at the ends of the long dining table. Susan and Lucy sit on the left side of the table; Susan is nearest Caspian, Lucy nearest Peter. Edmund sits on the ride side, nearest Peter. The chair to his left, I notice, is the very chair I used to sit in. Somehow, it makes me feel awful, to watch him glance over to me every few seconds, to watch him look up to the vacant chair out of habit, then watch his head drop as he remembers. It absolutely kills me; but I shouldn't care, he just ran away from me. He just decided to, he doesn't know what he missed. We could have gone anywhere, done anything, therefore as I decided 19 months ago, Edmund the Just is a dipshit. Yvie drags me from my daydream; we clear the table after the final course. As I collect Edmund's plate, I glare at him, instantly regretting it.
I don't want to push this boy away. If anything I should pull him closer. I can't, that would be absurd. Even an attemp makeup would surely fail miserably, but anything's worth a try once. I give him a small smile and some of the weight is lifted from his eyes. I stand up straight and walk over to the entrance to the kitchen, before I walk through the doors I glance back. He's still watching me. I want to make up with him. So I give Edmund a quick wink and succeed with a small blush before I turn my back and walk away.
As Yvie and I walk over to the spiral staircase that leads up to the servants' quarters there's a light tap on my right shoulder. I turn to look directly into his eyes. Glancing over my shoulder at Yvie, I notice she's trying to hide the psychotic smile that stretches across her face. I giggle and shove her in the direction of the stairs, as soon as she's disappeared from view he decides to speak.
"Lyra. Lyra?" He gently pulls my chin up to look in my eyes. We stand like that for a few long seconds before we speak again.
"I'm sorry." We both blurt out the same words. He looks confused, but pulls me into a hug, whispering into my hair.
"What are you sorry for? You never did anything. I did. It was always me. I never went one hour without thinking about you." He mumbles into my soft auburn waves. I pull back to connect our eyes; chocolate brown fixed with the emerald green.
"I'm sorry for – for hating you for the last two years. Somehow I'd convinced myself you were horrid and vile. But really, you were called away that morning weren't you. They didn't let you say goodbye did they?" I try to blink back the tears that begin to cloud my vision, but I don't try hard enough. One single drop slides down my cheek, and he wipes it away until there's no trace of it at all.
"When does your shift finish?" his direct tone surprises me. I have to think for a few moments before answering.
"Um," I begin "About 2-ish I think. I'm with Yvie all day so I'll have to check to make sure. But I think it's 2."
He smiles that lazy, crooked smile I fell in love with.
"How about a hack later?" He knows I will jump at the opportunity but I pretend to have to think about it. Then I do something I haven't done in 2 years; I genuinely laugh. Out loud. In the middle of a half-empty corridor. With Ed. I really think I love him. I nod my head violently and whip round to run up the stairs. I'm 3 steps up before I realise he's still at the bottom of them. I skip back down and plant a small kiss on his cheek, which has him blushing like a tomato. I turn back around and go to change into my stable hand uniform.