A/N: Yahoo~~!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CALI~~!

And um, sorry you had to edit it...

can't help it ur such a great beta-er~~

x3

So here it is, ze b-day ficcy for Cali that took me three weeks to write

0.0

no, I did not take 3 weeks

I took... a few hours

just that my muse took a 3 week vacation

*sob sob*

I'm so generous...

He closed his eyes. No. He did not want to see. Didn't want to see that picture. Didn't want to remember the happiness, didn't want to call back the grief he had so carefully pilfered away. But it was like a magnet. He could feel his eyelids flicker open, then shut tightly when his conscious took over. He didn't know how much time passed before he finally relented with an exasperated sigh.

Those golden eyes burned into the silver arabesque frame bordering the picture. That picture. They locked onto the form besides himself, that trademark smirk etched onto his lips. They noted how the smirk was just a tad too wide than normal, a bit deeper than usual. They noticed there were no thoughtful lines between his brows, and the smile was – if at all possible – quite genuine.

And there he stood, to the current Edward's eyes, like a beautiful statue of Adonis, carved and shaped by God to utmost perfection, from his carefully sharpened features, his flawless pale skin and laughing dark eyes, his raven tresses, and the immaculate physique men and women alike pine for. And yet, shortly after this picture was taken, the deity himself had asked him, Edward, to be with him. Edward, who had never appreciated his beauty, who would be the first one someone calls "flawed" in a group, with his automail arm and leg. Yet Roy… Roy had caressed them so softly, so lovingly… Treating them differently, but not pushing him away, no, never. His sharp mind always seems to know what he wanted. Those lithe hands always know where he wanted to be touched… And Edward was supposed to be the genius.

Oh no. The memories are coming back. It first came as a trickle, as if when he shut his mind, they would be locked away again. But no such thing. The darkness behind his eyelids was the perfect backdrop for the play of his reminisces to be reenacted; act by act, moment by moment.

Roy's challenge when he had bluntly refused, slightly appalled at the thought of being with the commanding officer he so supposedly despised… The strange feelings that overwhelmed him whenever he saw the colonel after that… His clever seductions and subtle contacts that left Edward breathless for more, even if he was too proud to admit it… The bitterness and – dare he say it – jealousy when he found Roy gazing at a picture of Maes one too often…

The wall he constructed broke and fell apart, letting the memories flood over him in a tidal wave.

Their first kiss, soft and sweet, then the hot, demanding ones that followed. His first time seeing the house, this house, and thinking how bland and boring it was, until he realized it was just the colonel's style, and he actually liked it better this way. Nothing to tell others of what his lover was like; no hints to give away.

Edward had enough experience to know that when one wall broke, another would surely follow. So he should probably hurry, and lock these memories away again…

Or, he could just let it all flow.

Since Roy's death, Edward couldn't, wouldn't, think of anything related to him. Wouldn't let himself get caught up in the sadness. The most important person to him… he has already lost that once… he doesn't want it again.

He knew how it worked. The emptiness at first, not adjusting. Then the smashing, heart-wrenching pain. Then the sorrow and misery. Then trying to fix it all. No. That pain, Edward knew, he couldn't take again. It was too much. So he froze himself. He froze himself at the first level: the numbness. Put all emotions under lock and key, and stops everything. But now, the second hand has resumed ticking away. The minute hand will start soon. If he didn't stop again, soon…

Then Edward realized he couldn't. He couldn't shove his memories into a corner and leave them there to wilt. He couldn't stop that growing black box from coming undone from the chains around it, couldn't stop the lock from falling away, disappearing into dust. Everything happened so slowly when the lid creaked open, slowly rising. Inside was black. Void. Edward approaches cautiously, resting his hands on the outer rim.

It hit him dead on.

The pain. The devastating agony that seems to crush him. His breath was knocked out of him, leaving him gasping in its wake with repressed lungs. Somehow, tears found their way out of his eyes and down his cheeks; already flowing. Violent, but mostly silent sobs shook his body, wrenching his heart and constricting around it. The heaving pain spread from his core, fiery hot, to every inch of his body, searing, burning. It was blind fury. Pure hatred. 'Why?! Why did you leave?!' The blood pounding at his eardrums was too much, deafening him to anything and everything. Both hands clutched at his arms, desperate for a way to escape this madness. They only fueled the flames. Distraction…! Yes! That was it! He needed distraction from the burn…

Pain. That was it. Fingernails and automail scratched at his bare forearms, leaving white trails in their wake. Not enough… This time, skin tears. White turns to pink, then red. Again… More… Blood drips out from the cut. More… More… An animal like scream filled the air. Was it Ed? He didn't care. Nothing mattered any more. Just… just distraction… Just pain… The blood streaking down his arms felt good… pleasant… pleasing, in a sick sort of way. But all he knew was that it satisfied the burning. It covers the excruciating agony. The burning in his veins slowed, then ceased all together.

Then coldness. Numb again.

His body's shivering seemed to have no end. No… This didn't make sense… Nothing did… The cold… why? Why was it here…? Why did it come…? No… No… He hates this feeling… Despair… anguish… melancholy… Suppressing his thoughts, numbing his mind. It was almost like before…

But the coldness. It was still there.

A single word filled Ed's mind, sinking into every nook and cranny, into every corner and crevasse. It drew a guttural whimper from his parted lips, brought on a fresh surge of endless tears. Desperate, he searched the room for another distraction. The pain didn't seem to work anymore, and everything in the room reminded him of… of him… The linoleum kitchen floor, the beige walls, the black sofa… Everything carved that single word deep into his cranium, leaving it there forever more.

Roy.

Nothing made sense without him. Nothing worked without him. The office looked so empty, now, with Hawkeye in that seat that rightfully belonged to him. Everything seemed dead without him. More women seemed to wander the streets aimlessly without him. Without his sarcastic retorts. Without his excuses to escape paperwork. Without him seducing every women he passes, more frequently unintentionally than not. But it brought forth emotion for Edward. Brought something other than the usual annoyance. It brought heart. Jealousy. It made him want to bind Roy in a door-less, windowless room, shackled to the wall, and make him his and his alone. He didn't want anyone else looking at Roy. His Roy. The tyrannical possession was becoming more and more common these days, until he could almost ignore it.

Wait, scratch that. He could never ignore it. Never turn a blind eye to it. Like now. The feeling only intensified. He wanted Roy. Wanted to possess him, to be in control. But now… now he was far out of Ed's grasp, and anyone else's for that matter. It was like a cruel little joke played by God. Or some comeback of Roy's, forever teasing and tormenting at him. He can never own Roy. Never. On the contrary, it seemed like the opposite. Roy owned him, Ed realized with shock. Not just physically as well, seeing the man can seem to manipulate every move he makes in response to his touches. No. Roy possessed his mind. His face flashed into his thoughts at every mention. He has Edward pining for his touch every moment. Even now, Roy was forever carved into his mind. He was like a drug. A sweet, beautiful, godly, surreal drug. One that Ed knows he could not refuse.

The numbness grew with each and every passing thought, but strangely enough, Ed found that it was becoming more and more bearable. The cold had frozen him to the core, and he had a feeling it would never completely thaw. But it was melting. And he found that if he concentrated hard enough, he could just stop those tears, or unclench his fists, or…

Or pull the corners of his lips up into a smile.

Sure, it hurts whenever he thought of Roy. It always will. But the hurt can always fade into a sting… or a pinprick.

Maybe not that much. But fade all the same. Then, perhaps, just then, his mind wouldn't be full of Roy anymore. Maybe… just maybe… he could find… someone else. Not a replacement. Definitely not. No one can ever replace Roy in Edward's heart. This was a once in a life time thing, and it was his fault he lost it. But… someone… as a… distraction. Edward's gaze lingered on the crimson stripes on his arm, and grimaced. Yes, distractions seem to work well with him. Though, it'll be hard. He knows that every time he sees someone, men or women, he'd mentally compare them to the perfection of Roy. No one met that. No one except-

"Nii-san…?"

Except Al. Ed's eyes widened when his brother walked in, gentle eyes filled with worry and… relief? He didn't answer when Al sat next to him, gently taking his arm in his, and applying a cooling blue salve on the scratches.

"You know, nii-san," Al started. "I'm… kind of glad you're crying…" Ed's hand came up automatically, and felt that warms tears still flowed. He had lost his concentration. "No! It's not bad!" Al amended quickly, grabbing his brother's arm back, now rolling white gauze around it. "It's just that… since… since the colonel is gone… You've been really… void…"

Ed's first impulse was to exclaim his denial, jumping up from the couch. But now… he felt exhausted. He couldn't trust his voice. His whole body was still shaking and trembling. So, he opted for a tilt of his head. Void?

"Emotionless, really." Al gently lowered Ed's arm, eyes roaming about the rest of his body, checking for injuries. "Everything seemed so… so normal for you… Yet not really at the same time… You stopped talking… You ate less and less… You never seemed to care about anything anymore…" Guilt welled up inside Ed as he took in his brother's troubled expression. He gulped, trying to moisturize his parched throat enough to say something.

"Al…" His voice was raspy, so he settled for a whisper. "I… I'm sorry…"

"No! It's not that… Well, I guess… But you don't have to apologize to me…! I understand! We both do! How it feels to have someone close to you die… But you don't know. It's not only you who has to feel it a second time…" Al's tone turned soft, gentle. "I… To see you like that… So lifeless… It was the same as losing you… But even now… I should be happy… But… You're so… caught up with… with the colonel… And you don't…" his voice trailed off at the end, turning around, the sadness obvious on his face. "…Never mind…"

It was then Ed realized. It was Al. It can only be Al. He's always been there. Both times. He's been the support Ed needed to move on. The reason for further living. Yes… He was it when Trisha died, and he would be it now. Why? Why couldn't he see it before? Why did he… did he hurt Al so? The mere thought pained him greatly, almost as much as Roy's death had. His heart stopped for a few beats when Al stood up, still turned away.

"I'll just… go now…"

"Wait, Al." The whisper was as strong as a whisper could get, and the layers and layers of emotions behind it startled Alphonse. He turned, mouth opened to say something, but was cut off by a firm kiss from Ed. It was layered with drowning emotions; the older brother's way of explaining everything that can't be explained in words. His agony… His blindness… His realization. Yes. Al. He was the only one who can save him. He had always been the one to hold himself together, then slowly, piece by piece, gather up the shattered pieces of Ed's whole. No matter how much his own self hurt, no matter how hard and tedious it was, Al would always pull through, and be there when he needed him. And it shocked Ed that he had never realized how much Al was really hurting. He knew, since Winry rejected him, he had always been the only one that holds true meaning to Al. The one that loved him despite his faults, embraced him despite his abnormality. Al… Alphonse…

Slowly, just slowly, the two pulled back. There was no telling who ended it first. It was just an obvious thing; a time to come into terms with themselves. The two's eyes met, full of mutual understanding. Somehow, tears were trailing down Al's cheeks as well. But they weren't full of grief, no. Relief, guilt, and bliss all rolled into one almost described it. And to Ed, a single word would've sufficed.

Content.

It was a different feeling with Al than with Roy. With the colonel, it had always been shock, excitement, adventure. But with Al, there was a satisfying sense of contentment; one that can only be achieved with a lifetime with each other. He could do anything with Al. When he erred, he could trust Al to get mad, scold him, then comfort him gently. Not that it's not that way with Roy. Of course not. But it was just a sense. It had always been a sort of competition for the couple. Ed was almost always his energetic, rambunctious, boisterous self with Roy; always excited. With Al, there's a sense of… of serenity. Yes. He was free to be tired, free to be weak in front of his brother. He didn't need the façade of the genius state alchemist. Al knows who he is, and accepts and loves him fully.

"I love you." It was a simple statement from Ed, one that Roy himself barely heard over their course of 2 years. It came out smoothly though, as it was just something he could – and would – say to Al. Stepping forward, he pulled him into a warm, apologetic embrace.

"Nii-san…" Ed chuckled a bit at his little brother's choked whisper, thinking how their situations had somehow been reversed. He felt his brother's warm arms curl tentatively around his back, settle, then hugged him back tightly. "Nii-san… I missed you…"

"…Me too…" With a light smile and a small peck on the lips, Ed stepped back, surveying his brother. What he found only served to fuel the burning guilt inside him even more. Worry lines were obvious on Al's forehead, and the bags under his eyes prominent against the white skin. But despite his tired appearance, there was a sense of… of energy… spirit… inside those eyes. Rebirth. Al's fingertips never straying from his palm, Ed led them back to the sofa, planting soft kisses from the corner of his brother's eye to the nape of his neck, drawing a sensitive shiver from the younger boy. In some sense satisfied, he continued his trail, slowly slipping the t-shirt of Al's shoulders, fingers tracing little circles on his back. Of course, he couldn't help but think of Roy. Of what he would do in this situation. But to his surprise, it didn't hurt as much anymore. No, not really. Not with Al here.

Yes. Al was with him. And because he is… maybe, just maybe…

He can go on without Roy.

--

Omake:

"Hear that, Roy? Your lil boy is growing up. He can live without you…!" Maes teased, nipping not at all gently into the skin of his lover's neck.

"Oh shut up," Roy growled, voice heavy with lust as he pressed his naked body closer to Maes's. "Besides… he's happier that way."

Maes was silent for a moment, lips a hairs breath away from pale skin. Then, to Roy's dismay, he looked up, leaving matters at hand altogether.

"Yeah. He's suffered enough."

"Yes, and me too, you having died on me so damn soon. Now get on with it before we get out of purgatory."

"You know, I'm surprised…"

"At me not being in Hell's deepest depths already?"

"No, that I'm not at the highest level of heaven already."

"Huh! In your dreams!"

"No actually, you are…"

"…Fuck you."

"…In your dreams."

A/N: Muahahahahaha~~

I know you loved that

Well anyways, I love Roy, so naturally I killed him...

Wait... what?!

Well, inside jokish thing, kinda

I just kill off everyone...

at least it's an Elricest, right, Cali~?

...

RIGHT!?!?!??!

Cx

Happy B-day~~!