Dismal, a law and order: svu fanfic

Dismal

"Look, if you don't want to join us at thenightclub, just say so! The guys thought that you might want to celebrate. But, obviously, don't go out of your way on my behalf. Hell, Alex, you are still one of the team, and the one who did their job winning over 12 jurors to put that scum ball behind bars, where he belongs. If you don't come, the guys will wonder what the hell is up. Sit next to Munch and debate the latest outbreak of Swine flu causing 17 school closings in the city for all I care. Just make sure and leave me the fuck alone, as you already promised to last night. I believe those were your exact words as you slammed the door shut in my face and I had to apologize to your whole floor at 3am for waking them up."

"Liv.."

"You don't get to call me that anymore, it's Detecctive Benson to you, get that straight." Olivia growled.

"Fine, you wanna play like the baby you proved yourself to be last night then I'm ADA Cabot to you. And, just to let you know, Finch already invited me and I said 'Yes.' So, looks like your team cares about me a lot more than you EVER did. "Alex spoke with ice dripping off each word.

"Ale…I mean see you there ADA Cabot." Olivia said softly into the phone, before hanging up.

Alex on her end barely heard the spoken words. She threw her glasses onto the paperwork strewn across her desk like 52 card pickup. She leaned back in her chair and recalled the events of the evening before….

"Liv, really, we just made love for hours and NOW you bring up the fact that I was flirting with her? I've never heard anything as ridiculous as that. I just spent hours showing you…"

"Ah, excuse me, but I believe we were having sex." Olivia snarled.

"Sex?" Said Alex incredulously.

"Yeah, and it was because of you and your goddamn flirting that's all it was. You knew exactly what you were doing, and you know how frustrated that makes me. Tonight I decided I wasn't going to put up with it anymore. I wanted a release; I got my release and happened to help you out in the process. Hope you still have her number." Said Olivia as she dressed herself.

Alex stormed off the bed, grabbed her robe and much to Olivia's dismay grabbed Olivia by her jacket and pulled her stumbling out of the bedroom to the front door.

"Don't you ever think that you can talk to me that way. I wasn't flirting. SHE GAVE ME HER NUMBER. I didn't give her mine. Now, leave me the fuck alone." She yelled as she opened the door and shoved Olivia out into the hallway, slamming the door behind her.

Olivia, shoved her hands and her pocket, badge displayed on her belt and mumbled police business to all the hallway door openers as she left the building.

Olivia caught a cab and arrived home in a matter of minutes. She showered and let the tears fall along with the water into the drain. She grabbed her NYPD t and a pair of boxers and crawled into bed. Grabbing Alex's pillow and pulling it close. It smelled like Alex so much it was as overwhelming painful as it was comforting. She fell asleep, only to have the alarm go off a few hours later.

Court today, she thought as she went about her morning routine. Shit.

Court today, Alex thought as the coffee brewed. Shit, and her very first witness was Olivia. She had cried herself into something akin to sleep, but more like a fitful rest.

How could Olivia after all this time still be so insecure in their relationship? At first Alex thought it was cute. Her Knight in Shining armor. Then the jealousy just got old. But last night? Never before had Olivia turned something so beautiful that they shared into something so meaningless. If she thought of it as plain sex, then, Alex concluded, she thought of her as any other lay, cheap and meaningless.

Olivia dressed for court across town and arrived at the 1-6 to take care of a coupled of DD-5's before heading off to One Hogan Place. She didn't notice the concerned look on her co-worker's faces they each tossed around the room to each other as if in battle stance and pointing two fingers at their eyes then forward to show everyone to be on the lookout. The one place in the world she'd rather not be and yet there she sat on the bench outside the courtroom waiting for the bailiff to call her name, and the doors to be opened and for her to be ushered into hell.

It didn't take longer than a 20 minute wait until she was called. She tried to compose herself and ready herself for her first glimpse of Alex. She noticed she was visibly shaking and took two seconds to repeat her mantra "Victim's First" several times and suddenly she was all cop, ready to face what she needed for the victim's sake. She had lost the best thing that ever happened to her, due to her own insecurities, but that wasn't the vic's fault. It was her own and so she took a deep breath and swaggered into the courtroom. Olivia was ready and god be damned, she would do her best.

Alex was standing up at the prosecutor's table glancing at notes and didn't look up even as she smelled Olivia as she walked by, was sworn in and sat waiting on Alex. There was a longer than usual pause before Alex looked up, not making eye contact with Olivia, instead looking at the jury, leaning on the railing between the jury and the verbal mayhem that court ensued.

She glanced sideways at Olivia, but remained focused on the jury.

"Detective Benson, can you tell of the events of October 18th…."

And so it went for almost an hour with Alex asking questions and Olivia succinctly answering. This was a case they had prepped hard and were well prepared for. They had even gone over some of the finer details of Olivia's testimony the previous evening at O'Hara's, where Olivia's world seemed to crumble around her as she saw yet another stranger pass her number on to Alex, who always politely took it, pocketed it and said she was taken. She never laid a hand on Olivia to show the other woman that she was the chosen one and she always took the number, either male or female. She said it was just being polite, but what really hurt Liv the most, was that she never let any one of them know that she and Olivia were together. Hell, she never let anyone know for that matter, not her colleagues not the 1-6, not her family, no one as far as Olivia knew. Olivia didn't broadcast or take out billboards spelling out her sexuality, but from the responses she received and the impressions she gave, she knew that everyone in her life that mattered to her knew and best of all, was OK with it.

Alex seemed to have set the tone that their relationship remain on the hush-hush. A fact that Olivia never could understand, but never questioned, because there was never a moment when they actually discussed "coming out" as a couple. Liv just took that as a matter of course. Alex was extremely private about, well just about everything, so Liv just took it in stride that they never discussed their status. Besides, they were both so busy, that time spent together was usually non-verbal, more like guttural moaning. They hadn't been together intimately for more than 7 months, but their friendship had blossomed ages ago.

"Thank you, Detective Benson." Alex said finally looking directly at Liv for what seemed to be the first time. At least the first time for there to be real eye contact between the two of them,

"Your witness." Alex said to the defense attorney breaking eye contact and returning to the prosecution's table.

Olivia could see the strain in Alex's eyes. It was a small thing only Liv would notice. The bright light blue tint that shown in the courtroom and especially when they were alone together was gone. Replaced by grayish blue stormy eyes, rimmed red. Olivia felt as though she'd been punched in the gut.

She had caused pain to the one person she never wanted to hurt. She rethought just how cruel she had been. She just wanted so badly to scream to the world that Alex was her lover, and because she was so jealous and stubborn, she had lashed out saying the worst thing she could think of. Relegating their relationship to pure lust and sex. The one thing that Alex would be devastated by. When in fact it had become intimate on such a high level very quickly. Tender, loving and considerate was the only way it could really be described by Olivia. Alex had a devilish side and would crawl up Liv's body with a sly look. Alex had been considerate as a lover, sometimes holding out for what seemed like hours as she lavished Olivia's body. And loving? Alex had been the first to say it. She looked Liv in the eye, when one of them was sidelined with female troubles, and told her straight out that she loved her and why, completely taking Olivia by surprise. She remembered crying while Alex spoke and eventually she had ended up in Alex's arms holding onto her for dear life. Never had someone felt this way for her, not even her mother. Alex offered her unconditional love, not worrying about whether Olivia's feelings were the same, but speaking from her very soul of the love she felt for her.

Alex from her table watched underneath her lashes as Liv was questioned by the defense attorney, always at the ready to object. Olivia looked exhausted she thought. She actually looked worse than exhausted, she looked worn, as if she had been out on a horrible case for hours and had already taken it into her heart.

Alex thought back to the previous evening and to the words that Olivia had said to her. It helped steel her resolve. She wasn't going to put up with that kind of talk from Olivia.

"No, further questions, your Honor." The defense attorney said returning to his table.

"Redirect?" Asked Judge Petrovsky.

Alex answered, "The people have no further questions for this witness."

And with that, Olivia was free to go.

She got up from the witness stand an as she walked by Alex she glanced at her seeing that Alex was doing the same. The electricity between them was palpable. It was the electricity of pain had anyone other than them been paying any attention to it who knew the two of them.

The rest of trial went quickly; it really was a slam dunk. The trial was over by 4pm and the verdict reached within 20 minutes. Guilty on all counts. The news hit the 16th precinct quickly and plans were made to celebrate right away. Elliot asked Olivia to call Alex and have her meet them at the usual watering hole. Before she could ask him to do it, he headed out the door with Fin, Munch and Don mumbling something about picking up Warner so she'd have to catch a ride with Alex.

Olivia drew a deep breath. She wasn't ready to talk to her yet, but knew she had to.

She picked up the phone and dialed Alex's number.

Alex seeing the caller ID, let it ring a couple of times readying and steadying herself and then picked up the phone just before it went to voicemail.

"Hello, Liv." She said as cooly as her almost trembling voice allowed.

"Hi, Alex…"

"What can I do for you."

"The guys wanted me to call and ask you to join us celebrate our win today." Olivia said.

"I'm just finishing up some paperwork, and…." Alex got out before she was interrupted.

"Look, if you don't want to join us at the nightclub, just say so! The guys thought that you might want to celebrate. Hell, Alex, you are still one of the team, and the one who did their job today winning over 12 jurors to put that scum bag behind bars, where he belonged. If you don't come, the guys will wonder what the hell is up. Sit next to Munch and debate the latest outbreak of Swine flu causing 17 school closings in the city for all I care. Just make sure and leave me the fuck alone, as you already promised to last night. I believe those were your exact words as you slammed the door shut in my face and I had to apologize to your whole floor at 3 am for waking them up."

"Liv.."

"You know what, you don't get to call me that anymore, it's Detecctive Benson to you, get that straight." Olivia growled.

"Fine, see you there." Olivia said

"Ditto." Said Alex.

Each hung up and took a deep breath. It was harder than each of them had imagined and now they had to make it through the next few hours as if nothing was wrong.

Olivia realized she was stranded, had no cash, and it would be easier to walk to an ATM and then walk the rest of the way to the bar.

Fin had already called she thought? Then why the hell had Elliot asked her to call. Olivia just chalked it up to a lack of communication.

She headed out the door into the cold, realizing that her court attire was not particularly warm and she had not brought gloves or a hat. She was going to freeze, but was way too stubborn to call Alex for a lift.

She arrived at the bar, frozen through and through. Alex had beaten her there.

Great, Olivia thought, and the only empty seat was to slide into the booth next to her. The music was loud, the lights were flashing and she had a hard time making out where the group was exactly. Elliot waved her over as she blew warm air onto her cupped hands. She nodded towards the bar to indicate she was going to get a drink first. His eyebrows shot straight up as he lifted the pitcher of beer at the table with a questioning look. She shook her head and put in her order for seltzer and lime. She needed to be clear headed tonight, and not do or say anything stupid, she thought, not like the night before.

After getting her drink, she still wasn't warm and put in another order for tea. She downed the seltzer as she waited.

Alex watched her from bench. She looked frozen to the bone, face read and hands raw. It had been warmer that morning while dressing for court. She also realized that Olivia had walked the whole, or at least most of the way there. Shit, was her next thought as Olivia wound her way through the bar over to the table. I can do this, Alex thought. I can do this, I can do this, I can do this…

Alex slid down to accommodate Olivia's arrival at the table. Olivia wanted to sink into the floor and disappear. She had always found Alex's scent unique and intoxicating. She felt a lump developing in her throat. She kept trying to swallow over it. She tried to comment when asked a questioned directly, but didn't make any attempt to add to the conversation.

Alex repeated one more time to herself, I can do this, and then she reached her hand out and took Olivia's hand into both of hers. Olivia's hand was still freezing and red. Alex picked it up and blew warm air on it with her own mouth, letting Olivia's fingers graze her lips.

Olivia looked over at the love of her life with a look of complete shock.

Suddenly, money was flying through the air all over the table. Alex smiled and gathered it up while saying Don owed another fifty and he asking for a spot.

"What the hell just happened?" Olivia asked?

Alex looked at her directly in the eye with so much love and tenderness that Olivia had to swallow over that lump again and hold back the damn of tears. Alex leaned in and kissed her first on the forehead and next on the lips. The kiss was chaste, and purposeful, and tender all at the same time. And Alex's eyes never left hers.

Olivia sat there stunned, looking like the Pope himself had just given her holy communion.

Alex smiled and used her hand to cup Olivia's face to keep it focused solely on her.

"I love you, whether you push me away, or say horrible things deliberately to hurt me. I don't know why you've wanted our relationship kept secret, but the guys have known since almost day one. We bet on whether or not it would be me or you to make it official. I won." Alex smirked.

"Olivia, I hope I haven't overstepped a bounder…" Alex managed to get out before being her lips were covered by Olivia's in a passionate blood pounding kiss.

"I thought you were the one who wanted "us" kept secret." Olivia said.

"Never." Alex said. "I guess we never communicated on the most important part of our relationship. I took numbers hating it every time, wanting you to stand up and say something to show we were together. Waiting and waiting for you to do that."

"Forgive me, Alex. What I said last night was…awful, beyond awful. My behavior was atrocious. I didn't mean a word of it either." She choked out.

"I know that, sweetie. You were hurting and I was hurting, we took it out on each other. Sometimes we hurt the ones we love the most." Alex replied.

Olivia looked around the table for the first time and saw acceptance, smirks and a few empty wallets strewn on the table.

She grabbed Alex's hand pulled her up, barely giving her enough time to gather her things and throw down a wad of her winnings to pay for the drinks, said goodnight to her co-workers, who whooped and made catcalls as Olivia practically dragged Alex out of the bar into the alley next to it.

Alex was still putting on her coat and slinging her briefcase over shoulder when the next thing she knew she was shoved up against the brick wall with a Detective pinning her against it with the full length of her body. Alex looked into Olivia's eyes and saw for the first time the love she had been waiting to see reflected there. A love unwavering, unworried and unconditional. Olivia leaned in kissed her neck, sucking and biting and nibbling. Alex moaned at the incredible sensation. This went on for several minutes, without Olivia moving from her spot. Alex started getting frustrated and grabbed at Olivia's head to bring her up for a kiss.

"You are mine." Olivia said proud of the mark she'd left on the love of her life staring straight into her eyes, seeing the beautiful blue sparkle back.