Title: Hear My Evil Speech
Summary: In which Lord Voldemort delivers an evil speech while suffering an unfortunate case of the hiccups. ::Crack.::
A/N: God, what am I doing with my life. Warning: I have a lame sense of humor.
"Hic!"
One Lord Voldemort currently found himself suffering an unfortunate case of the hiccups.
Damn it. Damn it, damn it, damn it.
Contrary to popular belief, Voldemort did not follow a basic How-to handbook on being a villain. He was original, thank you very much. Not only that, but he didn't think of himself as a villain. More like the cleanser of humankind, getting rid of Muggles and all, but less janitor-like.
However, he did that hiccups weren't even supposed to exist when a villain — cleanser of humankind — was giving an evil speech. Hell, he hadn't even had to rehearse this. He was making it up on the spot. That was talent right there.
Except he didn't have a cure for hiccups.
Oh, he could hardly say, "Excuse me, young Potter, but I will need to summon some water. Please do not try to kill me when I cast a spell. It is simply to cure my hiccups."
Ha. As if Harry Potter could ever kill him. And anyway, if it was that simple, he could just kill Potter with the spell first, cure hiccups later. Maybe Potter would indeed be that foolish and wait patiently in front of him.
"I — hic!"
Damn it.
It had been a while since Voldemort had suffered the hiccups (why now?), and he realized it was painful. It erupted from the back of his throat, flowed over his tongue, and burst through his teeth to explode in the air like firecrackers. Just not that poetically.
There was a stifled laugh at the back of the hallway.
Voldemort whirled, twirling his robes accidentally like a ballerina in a flurry of black. Classy, very classy. He pointed his wand around the room and found the source of the interruption immediately — a small, red-haired girl with torn robes and eyes wide with fear. Her hand was clapped over her mouth.
"How dare you?" he thundered. "Avada Ke — hic!"
A giggle burst through her teeth, seemingly against her will, because her eyes widened even more. He would have removed the damn things for her, but he was too busy fuming as more quiet sounds of amusement buzzed throughout the room.
"Very well," he said, breathing heavily. "I wish to delay no longer." This evil speech was unnecessary in order to kill the Potter brat, anyway. He could gloat over his corpse later. "Avada Ked — HIC HIC HIC —"
"Expelliarmus!"
In a blast of light, Lord Voldemort slumped to the floor, defeated by the hiccups.