I was confused. And frustrated. And full of remorse.

I was sad. And broken hearted.

Yet, I was happy at the same time. And not to mention relief.

He already knew. He already knew how I felt about him and I knew how he felt about me. He loved me. He had said, he would even die for me.

The problem was, I could not return his love. I tried, but to no avail. I was not ready. Last year, I remembered. I had accepted. I was his girlfriend.

But later on, I realized, that I just liked him as a friend, nothing more. I started to avoid him. He tried calling me, texting me, but I wouldn't answer, I was to scared to tell him why.

In school, I kept myself busy and being surrounded with friends constantly. He didn't dare to talk to me in front of my peers. I thought the problem was solved. But alas, it didn't. I missed him. I felt like talking to him. And I did.

But whenever he asked why I had avoided him in the first place, I avoided him again. Slowly, he understood and dropped the subject. But I still had a soft spot for him, and I could not bear to see him in depression so I admitted in the end.

He was sad, definitely, but he accepted the truth. I could not be more thankful. Now, I was friends with Chad again, though he was still waiting for me.

It was then, I noticed this other guy. This other guy named Troy. He was a year older than me. He wasn't what I would call outstanding. He wasn't handsome, smart or nice, but he was good in sports. He was good at basketball. But somehow, he managed to capture my attention.

At first, when I first knew him, I didn't like him. Both of us had conflicts. We would argue forever until someone came in between us to calm us down. Both of us despised each other. Yet somehow, he held my attention. It was hard to explain.

I would not say it was a crush, but he kept popping into my mind every minute of the day. Eventually, we stopped quarreling. I got to know his good points that were at first invincible to me. Then, I found out that he had a girlfriend. I wasn't sad and I wasn't happy. I didn't feel anything.

Now I wasn't as close to him as before. He seemed to notice this too. Occasionally he would talk to me. Somehow, he seem to think that I liked him. I'm not sure whether I liked him or not. After all, how can a geek like me have a crush on a jock, a person from another universe?

But it did happen. I fell for him. Hard. I didn't dare to confess. It was obvious that he was not interested in a boring geek like me. So I kept to myself. To make things worse, I actually started to fall for Chad. Who to choose? I didn't know.

I could not make up my mind. So, I went away. I went away to another school. I moved to another state. And that was the biggest mistake I had ever made in my life.

Years later, I met up with both of them on different occasions. I saw Chad in a pub when I went back there to visit my parents. Chad had married my best friend, Taylor Mckessie. I was happy for them on the outside. But on the inside, I could hear my heart shattering into pieces. I was heartbroken.

I had spent days in my old room crying my heart out. It had taken me days to recover. But I was never the same as before. I wasn't an outgoing girl anymore. My favourite colour changed from baby blue to black. I barely go out anymore, except to the pub.

One day, I was there, drinking my second glass of beer. I saw him. I saw Troy. He was there, drinking with his wife, I think. She was pretty. It made me feel insignificant and small. I tried to hide but it was too late. He saw me. He walked towards me, his strong, muscular hand draped across his wife's shoulder. I was forced to chat with both of them, pretending to feel happy for them.

That night, my heart broke all over again. How could it be? After all these years, I had thought my love for them had died down. But I was wrong. Worse still, how could I love both of them at the same time?

I was too tired to mend my shattered heart again. I had given up. It had been broken too many times to be mended back to its original shape. So, I chose the easiest way out. I drank and drank. I kept drinking, not caring about the world, not caring about myself anymore.

Then, one day, I spat out blood. I knew my time was coming soon. And I was right. Now, as I lay on my death bed, I need to say something so that I can leave in peace.

I love you both. I will and always love you both forever.