Title: Son of a...
Series: NARUTO
Summary: Konan is in love with Pein, Pein is in love with Konan, Hidan thinks he's in love with both of them, and Kakuzu is stuck in the middle, unable to count his money. Kakuzu-centred, AU, OOC. Kakuzu/his Money, HidaKonaPein love triangle, and slight KakuHida.
Chapter Length: 1169 words
Rating: T for language
Genre(s): Humour, Parody, Romance
Pairings: Kakuzu/his Money, HidaKonaPein, KakuHida
"KAKUZU!" Hidan shouted, as he slammed the door open. Kakuzu looked up from his spot on the floor, where he was counting money.
"What?" Hidan sighed dramatically, and slumped onto the couch.
"I'm in motherfucking love, man." Kakuzu rolled his eyes. The damn silver-haired bastard claimed to be in love every couple of weeks.
"Right. Who is it this time?" Hidan stared at the ceiling dreamily.
"Konan..." That made Kakuzu stop counting.
"Konan, Konan, or someone else named Konan?" He asked, wearily eyeing his partner. Hidan gave a goofy grin.
"The hot bitch Konan..." Kakuzu rubbed the bridge of his nose. Of course his idiotic partner had to fall for the Leader's girl. "And that's not it, 'Kuzu." Hidan continued. "I think I like Pein as well." That made Kakuzu sputter slightly.
"Y-You fell for the Leader and his girl?!" Hidan smiled.
"Yeah. We'd make a perfect threesome, right? You can join in on our orgys." Kakuzu sighed in exasperation.
"No thank you. Fuck off Hidan, I'm trying to count money." Hidan glared slightly.
"Bastard..." He muttered, before skulking into the kitchen. Kakuzu wondered, as he heard his partner rummage around, if he should tell Pein and Konan this new development... Nah, let them figure it out for themselves. He had money to count.
Hidan smiled dreamily as he stared across the large meeting table at his two new love interests. His blue haired angel was whispering to his orange haired leader, often gesturing slightly in his direction. Kakuzu, who was sitting next to Hidan, sighed once again. He really should tell Leader and Konan what was going on with Hidan. But... all that money, uncounted, just waiting for his touch... he'll tell them later.
"Ne, Kakuzu, do you think they like flowers? Or chocolate? Death? Blood and destruction?" Hidan asked, not even glancing in Kakuzu's direction. Kakuzu scoffed.
"I'd rethink all of those Hidan. And why ask me? Ask them yourself." Hidan jumped up from his chair.
"That's a fucking great idea!" Kakuzu blinked confusedly, before rolling his eyes.
"You're such an idiot, Hidan."
"Shut the hell up Kakuzu. Oi, Leader, Konan, do you two like flowers? Or chocolate? Death? Blood, gore, and destruction?" Pein and Konan stared at him.
"...Hidan, did Kakuzu hit too many times on the head?" Pein asked, raising a brow at Kakuzu. Hidan grumbled under his breath, and sat back down. "We'll talk after this meeting, Kakuzu. You will tell me what's wrong with your partner." Kakuzu frowned. But... his money...
"But Leader, I need to count..." He trailed off at his Leader's harsh gaze. "Alright, after the meeting then?" He asked, hoping for that loophole not to be uncovered. Sadly, Pein noticed what he was doing and glared.
"Directly after the meeting."
The meeting ended about half an hour later. Everyone but Pein, Konan, and Kakuzu shuffled out the door.
"Kakuzu, what is going on with your partner." Kakuzu sighed. He would much rather be with his money. His sweet, beautiful money... all green and tender... just waiting- "Kakuzu!" Pein cut off his thoughts.
"Nothing is wrong with Hidan." Kakuzu muttered, still thinking about his money. Pein levelled him with a glare. "Oh alright. He believes he is in love with the two of you."
"With us? Both of us?" Konan asked, and Kakuzu nodded.
"Yes. He interrupted me last night with his declaration. Don't worry, he should be over it within a few days. Just don't answer his questions, no matter how annoyingly persistent he is."
Soon, a week had passed. And Hidan was still crushing on Pein and Konan. Every day he would bombard them about their favourite things until they snapped and either cut his head off or told him. Kakuzu was often called into Pein's office, and left with orders to curb his partner's obsessive need to hound them. It never worked. In fact, Hidan seemed almost jealous that Kakuzu spent so much time with the two. He made his jealousy known by interrupting Kakuzu's money counting time with his rudeness.
"Kakuzu you motherfucker! The fuck do think you're doing with my loves!" Kakuzu sighed. It was too late in the evening for Hidan.
"What do you mean Hidan? I haven't been doing anything with Pein and Konan." Hidan glared.
"Then why are you the one they are calling into his office so much for! Huh!" Kakuzu sighed.
"Because of you." Hidan immediately did a 180.
"Oh, really? What do they think of me?" Kakuzu decided that Pein and Konan deserved a bit of payback for taking away his money counting time.
"They think your one handsome son of a bitch. Their words, not mine." Hidan grinned.
"Oh damn, I didn't think they'd like me back! Oh fucking yes, what should I do for them tomorrow?" Kakuzu shrugged.
"I don't know. But go the hell away, I'm trying to count my money."
"Kakuzu! My office, now!" Kakuzu heard Pein screech, early the next morning. He groaned, and rolled over. Fuck that, he was tired. He stayed awake until the wee hours of the morning making sure his money was properly counted for and protected and loved. Pein could wait. "Get the hell in there now! You have some fucking explaining to do!" Kakuzu sighed, and sat up. When Pein swore like that, it meant that something really bad was going to happen. He shuffled out of bed and out the door.
In Pein's office, Kakuzu felt a small stirring of dread within him. As soon as he entered, Pein and Konan had glared harshly at him and demanded he sit down. He just knew that Hidan had done something stupid.
"Kakuzu... do you know why you're here?" Kakuzu nodded.
"Sort of. It has to deal with Hidan, right?"
"Yes. Why did you tell him those things?" Kakuzu sighed. His words from the other night had just come to bite him in the ass.
"Revenge."
"For what."
"For taking away my money counting time." Pein's glare worsened.
"Get the hell out of my office. Now." Kakuzu swiftly walked out of the room. He wasn't running! This was more of a tactical retreat, than anything.
Kakuzu once again entered Pein's office a week later. This was really getting tedious. By now, the two would call him in almost every day to talk about his partner.
"Kakuzu, we need a quick and efficient way to get Hidan off of our backs." Kakuzu sighed. His money was waiting for him... his green, paper-thin, model-like money, waiting to be softly carressed- "KAKUZU!"
"Let him down easy. Or roughly, I don't care." With that, Kakuzu dismissed himself.
A few hours later, Hidan came walking into the room, a dreamy look on his face. He flopped onto the couch.
"Kakuzu, fucker, I think I'm in fucking love again." Kakuzu raised a brow. Whatever Pein and Konan had said to the zealot must have worked.
"I see. Who is it this time?" Hidan smiled up at the ceiling.
"You, fucker." And Kakuzu dropped his money.
"Oh fuck no!"
A/N: And that's my oneshot. Eh, I might make this a two shot, where Kakuzu somehow gets Hidan to transfer his affections back to Pein and Konan. Maybe.
This idea came to me while attempting to explain to my friend online here, about one of my favourite pairings (which I completely made up, btw), KakuHidaKonaPein love square thing. It's actually a rather complex pairing. But mainly, it centres Kakuzu loving his money and so on and so on. As you can see from this one-shot.