One of Them

by tbka

Snape Centric. Snippets of missing scenes from the ending of GoF to the ending of DH. .::. Severus Snape has been through a lot in his life. But just how much was he forced to deal with as a spy in the second war against Lord Voldemort? .. Spoilers for DH

1. Chapter 1: In Life

One of Them

Summary: Snape Centric. Snippets of missing scenes from the ending of GoF to the ending of DH. .::. Severus Snape has been through a lot in his life. But just how much was he forced to deal with as a spy in the second war against Lord Voldemort?

Genre: Drama/Angst

Rating: T – for some swear words (not many though, which for me is very surprising!)

Author's Note: Spoilers! If you have not read 'Deathly Hallows' then do not… and I repeat… DO NOT read this story. The ending will give away what happens in 'Deathly Hallows." But if you must read this story (for some odd reason) yet don't want to be spoiled then once you come upon the scenes from 1997 then STOP READING! If you have read 'Deathly Hallows' then proceed as you obviously know the ending and therefore can't have it spoiled.

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter… blah, blah, blah.

For clarification: This is the order of the years that the books take place (and therefore what book the scene takes place. You should be able to note that each year belongs to two books so scenes that corresponding to different books will be under the same year… I trust that all of you will be able to figure it out):

The Goblet of Fire: 1994/95

The Order of the Phoenix: 1995/96

The Half-Blood Prince: 1996/97

The Deathly Hallows: 1997/98

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1995

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"Sirius," Albus cuts through the conversation, silencing everyone at the table. "I trust Severus completely… for now let that be enough."

"But he's a Death Eater! How do you know that he isn't loyal to Voldemort!" Sirius continues. "He doesn't even show up for our meetings!"

"I trust him." Dumbledore's voice holds no room for argument and he turns his attention to the rest of the people seated at the table. "And let this be known to all of the Order: I trust Severus Snape with my life and if that is not enough for any of you then I suggest that it's time for you to leave. Severus' position as a spy is the most dangerous position of all of the Order – he is to be respected… not suspected…" Dumbledore sends a potent glare at Sirius. "And try, all of you, to stay on civil terms with anyone you may have… disagreements… with."

"He'll betray us all," Sirius mutters under his breath. "You'll see soon enough."

"Sirius, enough," Dumbledore states. "I want to hear no more on the matter of Severus' loyalty, is that understood?"

Murmured agreements sound from around the table, even Sirius, and Dumbledore smiles triumphantly. "Now, on to other matters…"

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It's August when Severus finally turns up for an Order meeting – the last one that the Potions master had been at was the first one after the incident at the Triwizard Tournament and Voldemort's return.

Severus doesn't mean to make a scene… no matter how much Sirius would argue otherwise… and the fact that he hadn't had time to wash the blood off of him held no more meaning to it than the fact that he just hadn't had time.

He doesn't answer Dumbledore's unasked question: Whose blood is that? The old man pleads for an answer with his eyes but Severus gives none. Instead he simply takes his seat, which has been empty for so long, beside the Headmaster and is acutely aware of every eye in the room on him.

Severus didn't mean to come in the middle of the meeting… he really didn't mean to make a scene.

"Your report, Severus?" Dumbledore quietly asks.

"Nice of you to show up," Sirius mutters under his breath. His muttering only quieted by a sharp nudge from Remus' elbow.

Severus takes a deep breath and steels his mind from any emotions. Quickly, quietly, and effectively he gives his report… leaving out all unnecessarily disturbing details that don't need to be divulged.

He hates being the spy.

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Severus Snape passes through the Order Headquarters sporadically for the month of August. Often coming in the wee hours of the morning – exhausted and weary and quickly passing his knowledge on to any of the Order who is up so that he can leave as soon as possible.

Even Sirius learns to keep his insults and sharp tongue to himself; for the most part.

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"Tell me, Severus…" Sirius spits out the Potions master's name in disgust. "…why should I trust you? You've done nothing to prove your loyalty."

Severus sighs. He's too weary to deal with this now and he wishes Dumbledore was at this Order meeting… at least Dumbledore always makes sure to cut these accusations short.

"Dumbledore trusts me," Severus offers as an explanation.

"That's not enough!" Sirius stands from his seat in anger… Severus remains sitting. "Tell me, how many people did you kill in the first war?" Sirius leans forward across the table to get closer to Snape. "How many did you torture? What about your potions… how many did they kill? Hundreds? Thousands? You've never said before."

"Sirius," Lupin warns… knowing that his friend is cutting too deep with his words.

"You speak of what you do not know," Severus angrily whispers, "Perhaps you should choose your words more carefully."

"And what about now!" Sirius yells. "Who have you killed to prove your loyalty to Voldemort?" Severus cringes at Sirius' use of the Dark Lord's name. "What potions have you prepared for him without our knowledge? How many have you tortured for information? What vile actions have you done to prove your loyalty to him instead of to us!"

Severus jumps up from his chair, wand in hand and quickly pressed against Sirius' neck. "Don't," Severus whispers in a low, dangerous voice, "Don't."

Sirius thinks he might've just caught a flicker of despair and guilt flash across Severus' eyes but he quickly discards the idea. Severus never feels guilty, he thinks to himself in anger, He doesn't care.

Severus removes his wand, turns on his heels, and quickly leaves the kitchen – his cloak billowing behind him. A few seconds later the rest of the Order members present hear the opening and closing of the front door.

"Just great Sirius," Moody says, "Chase him off before he gives his report. Dumbledore will be thrilled."

"Shut-up Moody," Sirius mutters as he sits backs down. "It's his own fault."

Lupin just shakes his head sadly. Will those two ever learn to work together? the werewolf wonders.

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Severus leans against the counter of the kitchen… debating whether three o'clock in the morning is too early to have a drink or still late enough that it's acceptable.

Eventually he decides that it's still late enough for drinking to be acceptable and he pours himself a glass of firewhisky. He takes a couple drinks before a noise startles him and he quickly turns around to find the culprit.

Hermione rubs tired eyes and looks up at her Professor from her position in the doorway. "I'm sorry," she whispers, eyeing the glass in Snape's hand. "Am I interrupting something?"

Severus shakes his head; too weary to think of a witty retort or insult. He had forgotten that some of the bratty kids were staying here too… annoying, really. Annoying that they should be interfering.

Too young to be here, a voice in the back of his mind whispers, They'll lose their innocence. A quick gulp of the firewhisky silences the voice and Severus pushes the lingering thoughts away.

The young witch moves around the kitchen… calmly pouring herself a glass of water from the jug in the fridge. "Why are you up so early?" she eventually asks, taking a sip from her cup.

"I would ask the same of you," Severus states, downing the last of his drink.

She sighs and exits the kitchen, leaving Severus to his thoughts. He fills his glass up with firewhisky again and downs the whole cup in one drink.

Meddling students, he thinks to himself, Better that they don't know what's going on.

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"Are you alright?" Tonks asks in concern and worry.

"I'm fine," Severus states but his ragged breathing and the visible shake of his hand on the doorknob speaks otherwise.

Even Sirius can't deny the sickly look that Severus now carries around… or the aura of despair and desperation that follows him. Since school has started again Snape has found himself forced to not only teach, but answer to the Dark Lord and to the Order as well. And quite often, instead of not, he is stripped of precious time to do those things that are often required for a healthy life; eating, sleeping, rest… those such things.

As a result the punishments that the Dark Lord forces Severus to endure wreak more havoc on his body then they probably should. This particular bout had been bad.

"He's suspicious," Severus grinds out between clenched teeth and barely suppressed pain. "He thinks physical pain will weaken any Occlumency I might be employing against him."

The door shuts quietly behind Snape and Tonks waves her wand, locking the door's magical locks. "Do you want something to eat?" she asks, "To drink?"

Severus shakes his head. "I'm fine."

Sirius stands in the stairwell and though he would never admit it to anyone he does notice that he's worried. Worried about Snivellus? Sirius wonders. I must be going mad!

Suddenly Severus turns his head sharply to look up at Sirius. "What do you want!" he snaps, then mutters under his breath, "Do you enjoy seeing me like this?"

"It's one in the morning Severus," Sirius replies, "You should sleep here tonight."

Severus Snape blinks in surprise. Severus? he thinks to himself, Did he just call me 'Severus' without any disgust or anger in his voice?

Snape isn't sure he likes how the stress and near-imprisonment is changing Sirius. He doesn't think he could handle it if Sirius somehow decides to start being nice to him… or God forbid, helping him.

War does strange things to people, Severus thinks, But the silent, secret wars do the most damage. These wars… the one I'm fighting.

It's the lies, Severus finally decides, The inability to trust because of the net of lies. That's what changes people.

And to the concern of many Severus ends up fainting later that morning due to blood-loss from the wound he had desperately tried to hide.

Regardless, he's teaching Potions the very next morning.

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Severus Snape is never late for class… never late to teach.

But today he is. And today he has a good reason. But he knows he can't speak of his excuse to his students… can't explain to them that the reason he's late is because the Dark Lord had had a bit too much fun with the Cruciatus curse and lost track of time.

Severus splashes cold water over his face in an attempt to wake himself up a little more and forget the past night. How long has it been… he wonders …since I last slept? Two days? Three? He isn't quite sure but he knows it's been too long.

He glances up at the clock and cringes… ten past nine o'clock… forty minutes late. He wonders if any students will even be left in the class, if any students even bothered to wait for him.

He realizes, with suppressed horror, that he doesn't even know what students he has first. Have I become so entangled with the Dark Lord and the Order that I can't keep reality in check anymore?

A quick change of clothes and another splash of cold water on his face causes him to be two more minutes late.

He takes a couple swigs of firewhisky straight from the warm bottle on his night table… another minute late.

He's starting to not really care anymore.

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Dumbledore raises his eyebrows in question. "You're asking leave to go see your parents?" he asks, not quite sure he heard the Potions master correctly.

"They're coming to stay at my house for the weekend… there's some things I need to discuss with them."

Albus nods. "Very well then, you have permission to leave."

"Thank you Headmaster." Snape bows and quietly leaves the office.

His parents? Dumbledore wonders, He's never asked leave to go see his parents before. Is there something wrong?

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The silence around the table is deafening. Severus swears he can hear his own heart beating as he pushes around the food on his plate.

"Are you actually going to eat anything?" A female voice quietly asks.

"I'm not a kid, mother, I can take care of myself," Severus politely replies.

"By the looks of it, you can't," the other, and older, man at the table states; his voice full of suppressed anger and distaste. "You look like the walking dead."

"Tobias!" Severus' mother exclaims. "Don't speak to him like that!"

"I can speak to my son how I choose, Eileen." Tobias spits out his ex-wife's name like it's dirt on his tongue.

"Father…" Severus whispers in warning.

The table falls back into the uncomfortable silence for quite some time. Eventually Severus can take it no longer and he slowly, and carefully, sets his fork down on the table. Both his father and mother turn to look at him.

"You two were the ones who asked for me to spend the weekend with you. I'm assuming there is something you want to discuss with me?"

"No Severus," Eileen protests, "This is just a weekend together, as a family."

Severus turns cold eyes to his mother. "Do you think me a fool?"

She shrinks under her sons penetrating stare and then slowly shakes her head. "I… I wanted to talk to you about… about You-Know-Who."

"The Dark Lord?" Severus questions as a means to clarify. He can't always be sure who exactly his mother is talking about when she says 'You-Know-Who.'

"Yes," Eileen whispers.

"What about him?" Severus asks, his voice betraying the fact that he's losing his patience.

"Now that there are rumours that he's come back," Tobias speaks up, "Your mother is worried you'll join him again."

Severus turns to face his father and raises one eyebrow in question. "Remember the role I was given at the end of the first war?"

Tobias nods. "The spy."

"I've returned to that role."

"What!" Eileen jumps up into a standing position, her face full of fear. "But… but… but that's so dangerous! What if You-Know-Who finds out! He'll kill you, won't he? How… how could you even consider becoming the spy again! You should've said no!"

"Dumbledore asked me," Severus replies calmly, "And besides, there are still… sins… that I have to atone for."

"Still looking for redemption, son?"

Severus turns to face his father again. "Yes."

Tobias laughs. To Severus it seems to go on for hours but he knows, logically, that it couldn't have been for longer than a minute.

"Do you find something funny, Tobias?" Snape states after his father's laughs have subsided.

"You're a bastard… a failure… a freak! There's no redemption for you. I don't see why you bother trying."

Severus cocks his head slightly. "Well… if I don't receive redemption I'm sure I'll meet you in Hell. Though Heaven itself would be Hell if you were there."

Tobias smiles. "Still bitter about your childhood? For your information… you deserved every beating you ever got. I have a far greater chance of making it into Heaven than you do. At least I never tortured or killed anyone."

"Tobias!" Eileen shouts in anger. "That was a mistake! Severus made a mistake! He was tricked into joining the Death Eaters! Tricked into thinking he'd become accepted!"

Severus stands up, an aura of anger, hate, and frustration emitting from him. "That's enough, Eileen…" He sends a potent glare at his mother. "…and Tobias." He sends another potent glare at his father.

"What are you going to do, Severus?" Tobias now stands up to join the other two. "Kill me? Give me the Cruciatus curse? If you do that then surely they'll send you to Azkaban, where you belong!"

Severus glares at his father for a few seconds before turning on his heels and walking to the door. With his hand on the doorknob he twists around to address his parents, both still standing: "I'm going back to Hogwarts. I trust that you two are mature enough to leave my house on your own without trashing it?"

And with that Severus leaves… shutting the door behind him with a little more emphasis then he meant to.

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Dumbledore nods at Severus in greeting as he passes the Potions professor in one of Hogwarts many hallways.

Suddenly the Headmaster stops walking and turns around. "Severus?" he calls out… the Potions master stops and turns around.

Albus walks towards him and they both continue walking down the hall, this time side by side.

"I thought you were spending the weekend at home with your parents?" Albus asks.

Severus lets out a small sigh. "The happy rendezvous ended prematurely."

Albus raises an eyebrow in question. "It's Saturday… you've already been home and back?"

"Yes."

Dumbledore waits for Severus to elaborate but he says nothing more and eventually Albus takes his leave.

Something's not right in that family, Albus thinks to himself as he makes his way back to his office. He sighs. Unfortunately there seems to be nothing I can do.

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Severus rarely gets drunk. He hates when he gets drunk – reminds himself of his father too much for comfort.

But he's drunk tonight… and he knows he's drunk. And he hopes to God that the Dark Lord doesn't summon him tonight because he will only make a fool of himself.

Severus vaguely wonders if alcohol would have any affect on his Occlumency skills.

"Snivellus?" Sirius asks, trying to mask the concern in his voice. "What are you doing?"

"I ran out of firewhisky," Severus mutters as he leans against the kitchen counter, "And Hogsmead was closed."

"Well… it should be. It's nearly four in the morning. Don't you have to teach?"

"Yes," Severus can't quite hide the slurring from his voice, "You always have firewhisky."

Sirius wonders what that statement has to do with anything he just said but shrugs it off. "Are you drunk?" he asks instead, even though he knows the answer.

"What do you think?" Severus mutters.

Sirius sighs. "Just try not to trash anything."

Snape nods as he listens to the retreating footsteps of Sirius. Downing another glass of firewhisky he wonders if the painful knot in his stomach is from the alcohol or the foreboding feeling of failure that he's been desperately trying to avoid for months now.

Oh well, he thinks, At least it will be Christmas break soon. At least I will have a break from teaching… for a little while.

Severus is beginning to hate himself more and more each day.

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"He'll come," Lupin mutters; cutting through the frantic talking around the table.

"He's betrayed us… now that Voldemort is back he's run off to be a Death Eater again!" Sirius yells. "How can any of you have ever believed otherwise?"

"Dumbledore trusts him," Remus replies, "And I trust Dumbledore. Therefore I guess that means that I trust Snape too. He hasn't done anything to suggest that he's betrayed us, so why should we condemn him so soon?"

"He'll come," Tonks speaks up. "He has too. He wouldn't betray us."

"For all our sakes we have to hope he hasn't betrayed us," Moody mutters, "Either way we can do nothing until we know for sure what he's done."

"Perhaps Voldemort has simply been 'punishing' him," Remus suggests. "We've all seen the condition that Severus has come back in before – blood-stained, weary, and sometimes even too injured to give a report. Give it a couple more days… he'll come."

"Dumbledore trusts him… what more do we really need?" McGonagall says. "What more proof do we need to demand of the man? He risks his life more than any of us and yet many of us are still suspicious. It's time we start trusting Severus."

From the hallway outside the six children staying at the Order's headquarters for the last half of the Christmas break share a few worried looks before retreating back to their rooms. They don't quite want to get caught eavesdropping on this particular conversation.

"You don't think..." Harry begins as soon as the door to the room he shares with Ron and Hermione has been closed.

"...he wouldn't," Hermione interrupts as the other children sit down. The room might be Harry, Ron, and Hermione's but Fred, George, and Ginny have settled down in it so that they can all discuss what they just heard.

"But he hasn't been around for just under a week now," Ron states, "It does look suspicious."

"But Dumbledore trusts him," Hermione continues, "I dislike Professor Snape just as much as the rest of you but that doesn't necessarily mean that he's evil and that he's betrayed us."

A knock on their door interrupts the conversation before Fred and George can voice their opinions. The door opens and Mrs. Weasley sticks her head in the crack.

"Pack up kids," she says with a warm smile, "the Order's decided to move Headquarters for the time being."

The six children look at each other quizzically. "But why?" Ginny dares to ask, "And where too?"

"Just for precaution, until we get more information. And to our house," Mrs. Weasley replies before leaving, shutting the door quietly behind her.

The children share a silent glance, knowing that the reason for the moving of Headquarters is because of the mysterious disappearance of their Potions professor.

They are starting to doubt the loyalty of Severus. All of them are; the students and the teachers... the children and the Order members. They all are. All of them, that is, except Albus Dumbledore; who has complete faith in the Potion master's loyalty.

But is Dumbledore's faith misplaced?

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"But he's not the secret-keeper, Dumbledore is," Harry says in confusion, "So why did we have to move Headquarters?"

Sirius runs a hand wearily through his hair. "Keep it down unless you want Mrs. Weasley storming in here to interrupt us."

Harry nods. "But why?" he asks, this time in a whisper.

Sirius looks at each of the four boys in the room; Harry, Ron, Fred, and George. "Snape cannot verbally reveal the exact location of Headquarters. However, Voldemort can use Legilimency to look into Snape's memories. If Voldemort sees the memories of Snape entering and leaving Grimmauld Place then he could use those memories to find the general area that Headquarters is in. Therefore he could just send Death Eaters to the general area and all they would have to do is stand watch and pick us off one by one as we enter or leave."

"But surely there's a way to prevent Voldemort from seeing those memories, isn't there?" Harry asks.

Sirius nods. "Occlumency can defend against Legilimency. And apparently Snape is an expert in Occlumency but Voldemort might be able to find away around that defense. And if he does than he can use Snape's memories to find Grimmauld Place. Therefore, we believe that Snape can defy the Fidelius Charm without technically breaking it."

"You're not completely sure though, are you?" Ron asks.

Sirius shakes his head. "It's only a theory we have but we don't want to take any chances. There's actually more of a chance of our theory being wrong than of our theory being right. But again, we don't want to take any chances."

"But you haven't hidden our house yet, and we're in it," Ron observes. "Isn't that dangerous?"

"We can't name a secret-keeper or hide the house because if our theory is wrong and Snape didn't betray us then he needs to be able to find us."

"Couldn't he just go to Hogwarts?" Ron questions.

Sirius sighs. "That was always the original plan… but with Umbridge there that would be near impossible. She would become immediately suspicious if Snape were to show up at Hogwarts in any of his many 'interesting' states of health."

"What does that mean?" Fred and George ask at the same time.

Sirius sighs. "Sorry, forget that last part – Snape wouldn't be too happy if he found out I was telling you guys that information."

"Pshh…" Fred says. "I'm getting tired of all these secrets around Snape."

"Every report he does is 'top secret'," George adds, "Every single one."

"For good reason," Sirius replies, "For good reason."

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The knock startles Hermione; who has been making her way back to her room from the kitchen, a glass of water in her hand. She doesn't know what to do. It has been only two days since the headquarters for the Order of the Phoenix have been moved from Sirius' house to the Weasley house and Hermione remembers clearly the order not to open the door... to get an Order member to do it instead.

But all the Order members are currently in a meeting. Well, all the Order members except Snape, Dumbledore, and McGonagall – none of which who are here. So Hermione doesn't know what to do. On one hand she has the orders to get an Order member to come and open the door while on the other hand she has the orders not to interrupt an Order meeting.

The person knocks again; this time faster, more frantic.

Hermione walks up to the door, pauses, then sighs. "Who is it?" she quietly calls out.

No response. The witch furrows her brow in confusion as the person knocks once more. Who would knock but not answer their name? she wonders. Surely if they had no reason to hide then they would say their name.

The knocking continues, frantic and desperate. Hermione takes a step back from the door and lets out a shaking breath. She turns around to alert the Order members that someone is at the door but her movement is halted by a voice.

"Open the door!" Moody shouts as he alarmingly stands up from the table in the kitchen; his magical eye catching sight of the person who stands outside.

Hermione can't see Moody but she hears his voice and quickly grabs her wand from the back pocket of her jeans. A few waves and some whispered incantations release the locks and the door swings open. The young witch stands in shock at the sight that she sees.

So. Much. Blood.

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Severus has no voice so he can't scream. He wishes he could scream... could yell... could curse... even beg for mercy. He wishes he could make any sound at all.

But he can't because he has no voice. He has no voice because Voldemort sent a well placed knife whizzing through the air -- cutting through his throat in such a way that no main arteries had been cut; only his vocal cord had been severed.

And it is the fact that Severus has no voice that is currently causing Severus to not be able to answer the girl's simple question. "Who is it?" she had asked mere seconds ago. Severus couldn't provide an answer.

He's dieing, he knows he's dieing... yet he can't get help because he can't talk.

Liar. Cheat, his mind whispers to him, Nothing more than you deserve. Failed to uphold your end. Failed your promise. What would Lily think now?

Almost. Severus knew that he had almost made it. But in the end he couldn't keep up the walls in his mind. In the end Voldemort had broken down the barrier he had made.

Voldemort's Legilimency had won the battle... had defeated Severus' Occlumency. He knew it was coming, knew it the moment he had saw the realization dawn in Voldemort's eyes. That night... what was it, a week ago now? Severus couldn't remember. But that night he had been summoned... the Dark Mark had burned in his arm. He had met his Lord in silence with the other Death Eaters – had waited for a command, an order.

But none had come except wave after wave of the Cruciatus curse. And when that had proved fruitless and garnered no results Voldemort had turned to more muggle-type tortures – from whips and knives to burning of the flesh. Even some of Severus' own potions were used against him… destroying his organs from the inside out. Bones were broken, tendons torn, skin ripped, blood spilt and cries desperately tried to escape his throat.

He didn't cry out though, didn't scream or beg because he had no voice. Severus doesn't know if Voldemort regretted destroying his vocal cords so early in the torture… the Dark Lord is always quite fond of causing his victims to scream.

Voldemort didn't need Severus' voice to get the answers he desired. No, Voldemort had his Legilimency to get his answers and Severus had his Occlumency to try and hide his mind. But Snape now knows how hard it is to perform Occlumency when under such physical pain. Severus knows that that had been Voldemort's plan.

It had been a good plan… after all, it did work. At least, to a certain extent anyways. Voldemort now knew more than he could've ever wished too – but not everything. Severus had managed to keep the barrier strong enough to protect the most important secrets of the Order; Dumbledore's plans had been kept as secret as they had been before. But the meeting place of the Order, that had been revealed… those who where current involved in the Order, that had been revealed… the information Severus had leaked on to Dumbledore, that had been revealed… all Severus knew of Harry and his friends, that had been revealed… so much more had been revealed than Severus even wished to think about.

He was, however, glad – and slightly frightened – that Grimmauld place had been abandoned when he had arrived there. Severus was desperate to believe that the Order had moved headquarters because he had been gone for so long. After all, he had instructed them to do so. There was always the chance that he would fail to protect their secrets from Voldemort. There was, also, the chance that Grimmauld place had been empty because Voldemort had already arrived there, had already killed the ones inside. Severus had banished that thought from his mind immediately; he wouldn't let himself think like that until he knew for sure.

He didn't want to believe he had failed in his last attempt to redeem himself until the truth was plain to see. So he had thought desperately of where they would've moved it… none from the Order had ever spoke to him of possible choices to move it… it would've defeated the purpose of moving Headquarters in the first place.

Severus had had to deduce where Headquarters had been moved to on his own. And he had come to the conclusion that the best temporary place, where the Order would know that he would at least consider, would be the Weasley's house. It is, after all, the only place that Severus would know where to look that would be even somewhat suitable.

So Snape has trudged his way to the Weasley's house… Apparating small distances – and long distances – when he got bursts of strength. He isn't sure why Voldemort has left him not only alive but with his wand and sanity still intact. Perhaps the Dark Lord knows that I will be of no more use in this war? Severus thinks dryly. Being a spy is the only role I know how to play.

And now Severus stands in front of the Weasley's door… the voice of Hermione reaching his ears and telling him that Headquarters has indeed been moved to this place. The Potions master clutches his cloak tighter around him in a futile attempt to keep the cold away – his shirt had long ago been torn to shreds and fell from his body. Whips tend to tear fabric, as well as skin, Severus thinks bitterly… angry at himself, angry at his failure.

Severus isn't quite sure of what he hears… but he thinks he hears someone shout for the door to be opened. Moody perhaps? Snape doesn't know for a fact but the door does swing open.

Hermione stares at him, her mouth opened in shock and her face paler than he'd ever see. He knew he probably didn't look that good… but that bad?

She screams. Severus cringes and if he had his voice he would tell her to bloody well shut-up. Her high-pitched scream isn't helping anyone.

Her scream brings everyone running and Severus leans wearily against the doorframe – desperately trying to block out the loud sounds of scattering chairs and running feet. He closes his eyes against the light from the inside of the house; the light only adding to the pounding headache created by all of the sudden noise.

"Severus?" Sirius intakes sharply in surprise and horror.

"Professor?" Harry questions.

Snape snaps open his eyes at being called 'Professor' and looks at the children that now stand in the stairwell leading to the entrance; Harry, Ron, Fred, George, and Ginny… Hermione is, after all, standing right in front of him. The six of them are safe and sound, alive and well. A quick scan of the Order members shows that they are all here except Albus and Minerva and none of them show any signs of grief in their eyes. So none have died, Severus concludes, At least I didn't completely fail.

Sirius pushes through the crowd, roughly knocking Hermione out of the way, and grabs Severus by the collar of his cloak. "What did you tell him!" he screams. "What does he know!"

Severus Snape opens his mouth to speak but no sound comes out. He curses himself; he should be accustomed to the fact that he has no voice by now.

"Tell us!" Sirius eyes flash with anger, his teeth barred. "You betrayed us yet dare to come back! At least tell us what you told Voldemort!"

"Sirius!" Lupin places his hand on Sirius' shoulder in an attempt to calm his friend. "It doesn't look like Snape was rewarded by Voldemort… I daresay that if anything has occurred it has nothing to do with Severus betraying us… but perhaps the other way around."

Severus nods his head but the motion sends his vision spinning. He's going to die before he can say what needs to be said. Now he knows why Voldemort took away his voice – it's torture in itself to not be able to warn your comrades of the danger that lies ahead.

Lupin backs up… forcing Sirius to back up, whom in turn, forces Severus to move forward. With the three now in the house Moody flicks his wand; closing the door and locking it.

Moody gently pushes Sirius away and grabs a hold of Severus' arm. "You were discovered," Moody whispers, raising his eyes to meet Snape's.

Severus nods. "I'm sorry," he mouths, frustrated that he cannot communicate, that he cannot say what he needs to say.

"You're injured," Moody continues, sweeping his eyes up and down Snape's body – noticing the blood that covers him. "Badly injured… and you're shivering."

Mrs. Weasley suddenly shakes herself out of her shocked stupor. "We must get him to Hogwarts," she states, "Madame Pomfrey will be able to help him."

Severus shakes his head. "Too late," he mouths, "Too late."

Moody raises his eyebrow in question… nothing has suggested to him that Snape is too injured to survive. So he slowly removes the cloak that Snape clings to, breathlessly waiting for whatever he may find.

One large cut catches his attention; beginning at Severus' left shoulder and ending at his right hip… deep enough to expose muscle and sometimes even glimpses of ribs. Moody's magical eye sees the lashes, left by whips, that criss-cross against Snape's back and some even wrap around his side to catch his chest. Burnt patches of skin also meet his eyes – and Moody can only imagine what potions that Voldemort might've used on Snape; potions that Snape had made himself.

"The Cruciatus curse?" Moody asks… knowing full well that Voldemort had, of course, used that form of torture too.

Severus nods but the action sends his mind reeling and he slumps forward. Moody catches the weakened man and lets out a sad sigh.

"Is he going to die?" Hermione asks; her eyes still wide with horror and her body frozen in shock.

Mrs. Weasley turns on her heels and notices, for the first time, that the children have all been watching the scene unfolding before them.

"To your rooms!" she orders, giving Hermione a soft nudge up the stairs. "All of you! This is nothing you need to see!"

"But he's… he's our teacher!" Ginny protests.

"No buts." Mrs. Weasley ushers the children up the stairs. "Back to your rooms!"

Lupin, who had been franticly whispering to Sirius in a far corner of the entrance for the last few minutes, steps forward to help in any way he can. "Mrs. Weasley is right… but I don't think he'd survive the trip to Hogwarts," Remus mutters, "We need to bring Pomfrey here; there's little we can do."

Severus coughs, blood spilling from his mouth and staining Moody's clothes. The Potions master can feel unconsciousness slowly creeping up on him… his shivering subduing as his body becomes so wrapped in hypothermia that he can't even feel the cold anymore.

Moody leads the weary Severus to a chair in the nearby living-room and notices that infection has begun to set into many of the cuts that decorate his back.

"Dumbledore must be told," Moody whispers and he opens his mouth to continue speaking but is cut off by the sound of someone entering the house.

Minerva steps into the living-room and freezes… her mouth opens slightly in shock and her eyes widen with horror. "What happened here?" she dares to ask.

"Not here," Moody replies, "Voldemort discovered Severus."

Minerva's hand comes up to cover her open mouth in further shock. "Discovered him?" she questions in a mere whisper. "How?"

"We don't know," Lupin answers, "And it seems that Severus cannot talk. For now we don't know enough to take action."

"I told you he would betray us," Sirius mutters from behind Minerva, "But no one would listen to me."

"It hardly looks like he did it on purpose Sirius," Minerva quietly answers.

"This could be an act!" Sirius shouts, his anger getting the best of him. "Am I the only one who sees through this traitor! He betrayed us on purpose and this is all an act to get us to trust him! As soon as he's healed he'll be running off to Voldemort again, but only with more information than ever before!"

"Stop being so blind!" Lupin yells, grabbing hold of his friends arm in a rare outburst of anger. "Your vision is clouded by your hate of Severus himself, not of his actions! You're biased and you're blind to that fact!"

"Shut-up," Moody orders, "Arguing can be saved for later. For God's sake, someone get Albus! And Pomfrey!"

Minerva nods. "I'll be back in a few moments." She swiftly leaves… cloak billowing and the door closing quietly behind her.

Severus coughs, startling the occupants of the room and expelling blood from his one crushed lung. His shaking right hand comes up to wipe the blood from his chin. His eyes are becoming blank and unfocused and Moody is beginning to fear that they may lose him before Pomfrey arrives.

Severus' hand reaches out to grasp Moody's forearm in a desperate attempt to communicate – or perhaps just to feel anchored to reality, Alastor Moody isn't completely sure. Alastor raises his gaze to meet Severus' and he doesn't miss the shaking of the hand that clutches him.

"Don't Severus," Moody whispers, "Just relax. Once Albus and Pomfrey get here we'll sort everything out."

The Potions master shakes his head. "Too late," he mouths again. Moody's starting to wonder if Severus' silent mutterings are about it being too late to save his life or something else, something more sinister.

But Alastor's thoughts are interrupted by the sudden retching of Severus Snape... accompanied by violent coughs and blood.

Lupin steps forward to offer his help in any way he can but Sirius' arm on the werewolf's shoulder stops him. "Let him die," Sirius mutters.

"Shut-up Sirius!" Moody's starting to lose control of his anger in regards to Sirius and he opens his mouth to continue speaking but is once again interrupted by the entrance of Minerva; followed closely by Dumbledore and Pomfrey.

Albus Dumbledore freezes as soon as he catches sight of the injured Potions master. "Severus?" he mutters in horror and shock… unable to mask his emotions.

Madame Pomfrey rushes forward and takes command immediately. Within seconds Severus is laid on a recently conjured bed and Pomfrey has ushered everyone out of the living room – even Dumbledore himself.

"Albus?" Minerva questions in concern.

The Headmaster shakes his head to clear his thoughts. "How could this have happened?" he whispers to no one in particular.

"It was only a matter of time before he betrayed us," Sirius mutters.

"Shut-up!" Tonks yells, taking her turn in chastising Sirius.

"Don't tell me you're in denial too, Nymphadora!" Sirius retorts.

"Don't. Call. Me. Nymphadora!"

"Shut-up!" Bill yells at the two of them… speaking his first words since Severus had returned.

"Stop it," Dumbledore cuts in; his voice low and soft. "It is not the time for arguments or accusations."

"No, that time was months ago," Sirius mutters.

"Sirius. Stop. Now." Lupin's voice holds no room for argument and Sirius Black finally stops his constant accusations of the Potions master.

"I asked too much of him," Albus whispers.

"Sacrifices," Lupin states, "Severus always talks about sacrifices… this was just one of them."

It didn't have to be, Albus thinks to himself, I should've stopped this before it got this far.

Albus hates how he knows this is his fault… because he made Severus test Tom Riddle's boundaries too much. And now the plan he has is in jeopardy of failing. Without a spy in Riddle's ranks there's not much that can be done.

Dumbledore hates these secret, silent wars.

-------------------------------

Snape's voice is harsh and rough, his body still shakes with cold and exhaustion, and his eyes are weary with guilt and shame.

But he's alive. And Dumbledore can't thank the gods enough… can't thank Pomfrey enough. He can't be moved just yet, so he'll have to stay at the Weasley's house for some time. But still.

Alive.

"Severus?" Dumbledore questions.

The Potions master is sitting up in the bed he's been moved to in the upper floor, but his eyes are downcast and he refuses to even look at Dumbledore.

"Severus?" Albus questions again, moving to stand at the foot of the bed. "Please, Severus, just look at me… acknowledge me, anything."

"I'm sorry," Severus whispers… his voice is rough and cracked, raspy and torn. "I couldn't do it."

"Don't worry about it."

"Don't worry about it?" Severus chuckles sadly. "Almost all the secrets… almost everything you entrusted me with He now knows. How am I not to worry about that? Aren't you angry? Aren't you upset?"

"I'm just relieved that you're alive," Albus whispers, "Everything else can wait."

"Wait for when?" Severus still refuses to look at the Headmaster. "Wait for when I'm well enough that you can yell at me? Wait for when I'm well enough that you can get angry at me without feeling guilty?"

"Severus…"

"Just get out," Severus snaps, his fists clutching tightly onto the sheets in frustration and anger. "Just. Get. Out."

"Severus…"

"Out. Now!"

Dumbledore sighs and quietly leaves the room. A somber shake of his head tells the others waiting in the kitchen downstairs that Severus doesn't want anyone to see him.

"But he's okay?" Minerva asks.

"As okay as he can be," Albus whispers, "Considering the situation."

"Well," Sirius speaks up, "Did he tell you what he told Voldemort?"

"I didn't speak to him of it."

"Why!" Sirius yells, letting his anger overcome him again. "Why not!"

"Now is not the time Sirius." Albus rubs his eyes in exhaustion. "There'll be time enough for that in the coming days. Severus needs his rest." After all, Dumbledore thinks to himself, It's only been a day since he's come back… a day that he spent unconscious and on death's doorstep.

"But how will we know what –"

Dumbledore interrupts Sirius: "Headquarters will stay here until further notice and I'll become the secret-keeper again. For now I believe that no one is in danger – just be cautious."

"Be cautious," Sirius repeats to himself. "That's your advice?"

"Sirius, enough of this already. Learn to hold your tongue!" Moody spits out in frustration and anger.

"I'm returning to Hogwarts," Dumbledore states. "I'll be back in a couple days… call me only if you need me urgently."

The Order members nod and murmur in understanding.

I'm too old for all this, Albus thinks to himself, And Severus too young… or rather, too hurt already.

-------------------------------

1996

-------------------------------

The six children staying at the Order's headquarters are packed and ready to leave… after all, school starts the very next day. But in the process of readying themselves to return to Hogwarts they've found themselves ushered back into their rooms.

Even the magically sound-proofed walls of the Weasley house can't filter out all the yelling coming from the kitchen downstairs.

Dumbledore isn't quite sure when the discussion got out of hand… or when Severus had become so violently angry… or even why exactly Severus is so very angry. But the Headmaster does now that the panting man before him, with his ragged breathing and flashing eyes, is not the calm, collected Severus Snape who had spied on Voldemort for so many years in the first war, and now, the second war.

"What more do you want to know?" Severus grinds out between clenched teeth. "I've told you everything I know that the Dark Lord saw… and told you all the secrets that I've believed were kept hidden."

"How Severus," Albus whispers, "That's all I want to know. How did it happen? How did he manage to break through?"

The rest of the Order members sit in shocked silence. None of them had ever seen the Potions master so… unhinged… with such lack of control over his emotions.

Severus laughs… laughs at the Headmaster's question. "How?" he repeats quietly, his voice still ragged and torn from his still-healing vocal cords. "How?" He laughs again. "How do you think, Albus? Not with bunny rabbits and rainbows, that I can assure you."

Severus doesn't have time to put up the barriers around his mind, doesn't have time to employ his expert Occlumency skills. He doesn't have time because he didn't expect to have to use Occlumency here.

In a flash Severus watches in horror as Dumbledore passes easily through memory after memory; torture after torture, punishment after punishment. The last week of torture after the Dark Lord's discovery of his betrayal is still in the forefront of Severus' mind – the most easily accessible part.

Severus quickly collects his thoughts and builds up the protective barriers around his mind. In seconds he's pushed Dumbledore out of his mind, but not before the old wizard has managed to at least catch a glimpse of many of his memories.

The two, Albus and Severus, stand in silence – staring at each other as the rest of the Order waits with held breath.

"You…" Severus mutters, anger colouring every aspect of his voice. "You… you…"

"What, at a loss for words, traitor?" Sirius whispers.

Severus whirls around to face Sirius, eyes flashing with a wild anger that Sirius has never seen in all his years of dealing with the Potions master.

"Enough," Albus cuts in, his voice soft and calming. "Sirius, let it be."

Sirius shakes his head and stands up. "If all of you are so damn intent on trusting this snake then explain to me why, after discovering that you're a traitor, Voldemort chose to let you go – wand and all? Am I the only one that finds that odd?"

The room falls silent as the Order members glance nervously at each other. None of them had thought of that before, they had all been too worried about whether Severus would live or die.

"I take your silences mean you cannot rebut my words." Sirius smiles in victory. "This is nothing but a ploy, a cleverly designed plan between you and Voldemort, is it not, Severus?"

The Potions master shakes his head and spares a glance at Albus. Only, to his horror, to notice the faint realization in the old wizard's eyes. Does Dumbledore believe Sirius over me? Snape wonders, Surely not!

"Well, Severus?" Sirius continues. "Why were you allowed to live freely? Why were you spared your life?"

Severus snaps; anger, frustration, and a bitter realization washing over him. He steps back in a wave of turmoil emotions, knocking his chair over. It lands with a loud crash that startles everyone but Severus and Sirius – who are so intent on each other that they don't notice. "Because he knows that I'm useless in this war now!" Severus yells. "The only service I've ever offered… ever been of use for… is that of a spy! Without that I'm nothing!"

The Order members make no response… not even Sirius has a witty retort to Severus' outburst. The look in his eyes; the desperate pleading to simply be believed and left alone is so raw, so powerful, and so un-Snape like that everyone in the room is frozen in shock.

"Satisfied, Sirius?" Snape whispers… taking a few deep breaths to try and calm his mind and collect his emotions. He leans against the table to steady himself. "Well… are you!"

"Severus…" Albus whispers.

Severus whirls around to face Dumbledore again. "And you! Do you really think I would betray you like that! Do you really think I would betray Lily like that!"

Severus freezes; his eyes wide with shock. He hadn't meant to say that, he hadn't meant to speak of her. Just the sound of her name brings choking sobs and tears; both of which he desperately tries to suppress.

"Betray Lily!" Sirius' anger has returned, replacing his previous shock, with more vengeance than ever before. "What are you talking about! You already betrayed her, remember! Killed her! James and Lily! Led Voldemort right to –"

"Shut-up!" Severus yells. "I don't want to hear it! Just. Shut. Up!"

"No! Now you listen to –"

"You know nothing." Severus' voice is no longer loud and high-pitched with anger but low and strained with barely suppressed grief. He has to close his eyes for a few seconds to stop the onslaught of tears that threaten to betray him.

Sirius is shocked at the tone of Snape's voice. He stares as Severus' opens his eyes again to reveal the black pupils wet with tears that he can't hold back.

A few manage to trace a path down his face but he quickly wipes them away.

"You know nothing," Severus repeats in the same low voice coloured with grief and years of regret. "Don't speak of me as if you are me. You know nothing." The last part is spit out in more anger than anyone has ever heard come out of Snape.

Dumbledore watches in shock as Severus suddenly grabs a hold of his left arm and hisses in pain. "Severus?" Albus questions.

The Potions master quickly pushes up his sleeve to see the Dark Mark burning black and cold against his pale, almost translucent, skin. "He's calling," Severus whispers; directing questioning eyes, still wet with unshed tears, to the Headmaster.

"Go." Dumbledore's voice is barely above a whisper… so quiet it's nearly impossible to hear.

"But… but…" Severus stammers, "If I go back he'll… he'll kill me… surely he'll kill me."

"You gave me your word Severus." Dumbledore's voice is still no louder than the quietest whisper. "Will you turn your back on Lily now?"

"You're sending me to my death." Severus' voice is now shaking with fear. "You once told me that my death would be no good to anyone."

"Trust me… please, go."

Severus nods, pulling down his sleeve and taking a few deep breaths to calm himself down. He turns on his heels and quickly leaves -- his cloak billowing and the kitchen door slamming shut behind him.

Dumbledore lets the Order meeting fall into awkward silence as Sirius slowly sits back down and receives a potent glare from both Moody and Kingsley.

Dumbledore never realized, until now, just how worthless Severus truly believes himself to be.

-------------------------------

Dumbledore is worried. Worried because his spy in the Death Eaters ranks is now, currently, desperately trying to prove his loyalty to Voldemort. Dumbledore is worried because he fears that he truly did send the Potions master to his death – perhaps Riddle won't be as forgiving, or as desperate for a Potions master, than Dumbledore is hoping.

Dumbledore is worried because Severus has been gone for so very long. And Dumbledore fears that he really is dead this time. But he can't be, Dumbledore thinks, He has to protect Harry… I need him to pass on information on the Death Eaters plans.

Dumbledore is also worried about Severus himself. He knows the Potions master is angry and upset and that the emotions he has hidden for so many years are finally coming to the forefront. Severus' anger is the most concerning to Dumbledore because he knows it is the most damaging feeling to everyone else.

Though Severus' guilt is probably the most damaging emotion to the Potions master himself. But Dumbledore can't spend time trying to fix Severus' shattered soul because he knows it can't be fixed – he can only hope to prevent it from breaking even more.

But it seems that the Headmaster has failed in even doing that.

I'm using him, Dumbledore regrettably thinks to himself, I'm using him to be the spy… using him to protect Harry. I'm using him and he mustn't know it because if he does he'll only hate this world even more than he already does. I can't risk it.

Dumbledore looks up as the kitchen door opens – but again his hope is shattered; it is not Severus but Tonks instead. Albus sighs and looks around the room… almost everyone his here except Lupin and Severus.

Everyone looks up, their voices hushed in silence, as the kitchen door opens again. This time Remus enters but is directly followed by Severus. Dumbledore lets the feeling of relief wash over him for a few seconds as the two men take their seats. He opens his mouth to speak.

"I killed Emmeline Vance," Severus whispers before Albus can address the group.

Dumbledore turns to face the Potions master, his mouth opened slightly in shock.

Severus' explanation comes in one rushed, breathless sentence: "He needed proof that I was loyal to him. He's still suspicious of course… and he will probably continue to be forever. But still… I had to kill her or else, or else –"

"Or else what?" Sirius cuts in, "He would kill you? Do you think yourself more important then Emmeline?"

"No!" Severus yells but quickly regains his composure. "I wasn't the one who captured her… she would've died by one of the Death Eater's hands anyways. It only made sense that if she had to die it might as well be for something. By killing her I proved my loyalty, to a certain extent. At least, enough to be allowed to stay. That's something, right?"

Dumbledore notices the shaking of Severus' hands as they lay on his lap… Severus' hides them under the folds of his robes as soon as he notices that Dumbledore is looking at them.

"You're afraid," Albus states.

Severus makes a small jerk with his head that, to the careful observer, might just pass as a nod of agreement.

Albus sighs. "I told you, did I not, not to kill anyone if you could avoid it? You could've easily avoided killing Emmeline and there might've been a chance of us rescuing her." His voice is full of bitter anger at Severus' blatant disregard for Emmeline's life.

"But…"

Dumbledore raises a hand to silence the Potions master. "However, what is done is done. Emmeline's death is regrettable but it is the price that had to be paid. So I take it that you've gotten you position back within the Death Eaters?"

Severus' words are still rushed as he answers. "Not the position I once had, but at least a position. With time I'll probably be able to regain much of the Dark Lord's trust. He cannot bear to give up the only spy he has within the Order – even if he isn't quite sure where that spy's allegiance truly lies. As long as I give him enough correct information from now on, and no false information, than perhaps I'll be able to fix my mistake."

Albus nods. "Now, let's continue…"

-------------------------------

Severus had fainted. It came of no surprise to Albus. After the meeting he had approached the shaking man and asked if he was okay. Severus had then proceeded to faint.

Now he's resting at the Weasley's… fear for his safety causing Albus to request that he doesn't return home. But Dumbledore is concerned about is health, and his mental stability. Severus hadn't been a spy for long during the first war before it ended. Now the second war promises to bring about a longer time for Severus to have to act as a spy. It's isolating the Potions master far more than Dumbledore wishes it to.

But it isn't just the fact that Severus is retreating more into himself than ever before that is the only concern of Dumbledore's. No, the fact that Dolores Umbridge seems to be on a personal mission to get ride of Snape as a teacher is Dumbledore's newest concern. He can't figure out why – though he has an inclination that it might be because Lucius Malfoy has suddenly stopped saying such good things about the ex-Death Eater to the High Inquisitor.

And the fact that Severus hasn't been able to teach for a week is not helping him keep his job. What had been the excuse I gave? Dumbledore wonders, Oh yes… family emergency.

"At least Severus should be returning on Monday to teach," Dumbledore murmurs to his empty office.

The Headmaster frowns as an owl's beak knocks against the window to his office. He grabs his wand – which was sitting carelessly on the edge of his desk – and flicks it, causing the window to open.

The owl flies in and lands on top of Dumbledore's desk, right in front of the old wizard. Albus examines the owl; black feathers, rather large, and it holds itself with pride.

Albus sighs and unties the letter from the owl's leg. His frown deepens as he reads the name written on the envelope: Severus Tobias Snape.

Dumbledore knows that opening other people's letters is not something that he should be doing. Especially when it comes to Severus Snape… but the seal on the envelope tells Albus that the letter is from the Ministry of Magic. Why would the Ministry need to contact Severus? Dumbledore worriedly wonders. The chance that the Ministry is contacting Severus due to his connection with the Death Eaters doesn't escape Dumbledore. Could they be contacting him to find proof of Voldemort's return or to try and silence him?

Albus manages to convince himself that the letter is a matter of the Order and that therefore he has every reason to open it and read it, so he does. It reads – quite simply:

Dear Severus Tobias Snape,

The Ministry of Magic regrets to inform you that your parents, Mr. Tobias Snape and Mrs. Eileen Prince, have passed away in their respective homes. Their deaths have been labeled 'suspicious' and we wish to meet you tomorrow at the Department of Ministries at ten o'clock in the morning to discuss this incident with you.

Dumbledore's mouth opens in shock and he stares blankly at the letter before him for quite some time. He doesn't notice as the owl flies away without any of the treats or attention it had been waiting for.

A knock on Albus' door vaguely registers in his mind. "Come in," he whispers without really realizing it.

"I'm here to discuss Professor Snape," Umbridge says with a smile and small laugh.

The Headmaster folds the letter in half and places it carefully on his messy desk. "What about him?"

"This absence of his," Umbridge explains, "Surely a week is enough time for him to deal with this 'family emergency' of his."

"I've instructed him to take the time he needs. It is not often that Professor Snape even sees his family… for him to ask to have time off for them is an amazing occurrence in itself."

"Hogwarts is not here to deal with its teachers family issues… Professor Snape should deal with these things during the summer break."

"Unfortunately…" Dumbledore can feel his frustration growing with every passing second. "…this is a family emergency. Emergencies aren't always that inclined to schedule themselves around the school system."

Umbridge just smiles. "I expect him back in no more than ten days. Or else... I'll be forced to fire him."

"Very well. I'll pass that message on for you."

"Thank you." Umbridge smiles and quietly leaves.

Dumbledore sighs and stands up. Slowly he places the letter back in the envelope and lets out another, tired sigh. He really doesn't want to deliver the news of Tobias and Eileen's deaths to Severus but at least now he isn't actually lying to Umbridge.

Albus can only hope that Severus will be able to deal with this sudden news… though the Headmaster can't see how Snape could be shocked. The 'suspicious' look of the deaths is probably due to the fact that they were murdered – murdered by Voldemort.

Tom Riddle has always had a way with revenge.

-------------------------------

"Dumbledore?" Sirius questions in surprise. "What are you doing here?"

"Albus!" Mrs. Weasley exclaims as she comes out of the kitchen. "What brings you here? And so late?"

"It's only nine," Dumbledore replies with a smile. "It's hardly late at all."

"Well, do you want something? A cup of tea perhaps?" Mrs. Weasley asks.

"No thank you… I won't be staying long," Albus replies. "Can you tell me where Severus is?"

Mrs. Weasley frowns. "He's in the room upstairs, first door on the right. He still tires easily when walking about so I've made sure to keep an eye on him – though he finds it very annoying."

"Thank you." Dumbledore nods his appreciation and heads up the stairs… his right hand clutches tightly onto the letter in his hand.

The Headmaster knocks before letting himself in. He finds Severus standing at the only window in the room; absentmindedly twirling his wand in his right hand and staring outside.

"You should be resting," Dumbledore states.

"I'm not a child. I don't need anyone to look after me."

Dumbledore moves to stand beside the Potions master and figures he might as well just get to the point. "I got an owl earlier today addressed for you. I guess it couldn't find you so elected to give the letter to me."

The Headmaster hands the letter over to Severus, who takes it calmly and inspects it. "It's from the Ministry," Severus notes, "And you've already opened it, haven't you?"

Albus nods. "Being from the Ministry I thought it might be of importance to the Order."

Severus opens the envelope and takes out the letter. He places the envelope on the window seal and unfolds the paper. It takes him no more than a few seconds to scan the letter before he folds it back up and replaces it in the envelope.

"Severus…"

"It's not like this is unexpected," Snape interrupts in a quiet whisper. "Not even the Ministry meeting is unexpected – of course they'll want to make sure I stay silent about it all."

Albus sighs. "Perhaps the Ministry has finally seen the errors of their ways."

Severus chuckles. "I highly doubt that. And if I don't promise to stay quiet they'd probably try and charge me with their deaths… just to have an excuse to send me to Azkaban to keep me quiet."

Dumbledore sighs, knowing that when Severus had said 'their' in such a bitterly angry way it was in reference to his parents. What happened between the three of them that split the family so violently apart? Dumbledore wonders… not for the first time in his life. "Take whatever time off you need," he softly says aloud.

"I won't need much. But I guess I should do a funeral service – they both probably have friends who want to say their respects. I wonder if they'd be mad if I buried them beside each other?" Severus realizes that he's really just thinking out loud but he doesn't care much. "I don't know if they were even speaking. I doubt it, seeing as they lived hundreds of miles away from each other."

Albus doesn't show his shock but this is the first time the Headmaster has ever heard Severus even mention his parents in more than just a passing word or two.

"Severus, if you need…"

"Thank you for your concern," Severus interrupts. "But I don't need to talk about them. There's nothing to say anyways."

Dumbledore nods and the two stay silent for quite some time. Eventually the Headmaster takes his leave, quietly shutting the door behind him. Albus can only hope that the calmness and collectiveness that Severus is projecting to the outside world is mirrored in is mind too.

Somehow the Headmaster doubts that.

-------------------------------

It's raining. Severus can only laugh at the utter poeticy of it all. The day of his parents' funeral is the day that it decides to rain. "Just lovely," he mutters to himself.

He's actually quite surprised by the number of people who have shown up. The majority of them he doesn't know – in fact, he can only place the faces of a couple, and no names. Regardless of the fact that he doesn't know anyone that has shown up almost all of the people have come up to him to offer their condolences.

Obviously they don't know anything about me, Snape thinks to himself, Anyone who knows me wouldn't even dare to mention my parents to me. But then again, it is their funeral – kind of hard not to mention my parents.

Severus wonders vaguely if these people expect him to make some sort of emotional speech or other such nonsense. Of course he won't, but still, he wonders if any of them think he will.

The coffins are lowered slowly into the ground; the rain splattering on their smooth wood surfaces. Severus chuckles in his mind – he knows there's nothing in the coffins… there had been nothing worthy of burying from the remains of the Death Eaters' attacks on his parents. Not that that had been surprising or anything, Severus had expected it. But still… it had been slightly hard for him to stomach looking at the scenes of the two crimes.

Two houses bathed in blood and human flesh. He didn't care much about his father – the man had only ever tormented Severus throughout his life – so he had elected to see the results of that attack first.

It's easier to stomach when you don't really like the victim all that much.

Severus had never really known much of his mother but he had no bad memories of her except the day she had walked out of the house, and never returned – and the arguments between her and Tobias of course – so he had been more fearful of seeing the results of that attack.

He had had to make a conscious effort to not throw-up. Lucius must've been one of the ones who had killed them because is mother had been left in worse shape then his father. Because you were stupid enough to tell Lucius about your family before, Severus berates himself.

Of course the Ministry had tried to come up with some other excuse – continuously attempting to convince Severus that the attacks had not been the work of the Dark Lord. Severus had simply nodded and agreed and promised not to speak of the details to anyone. Easier to agree with the Ministry then try to fight them.

They'll receive their punishment for their denial eventually, Snape thinks, So might as well pretend to go along with them for now.

Severus notices that the rain has stopped. He looks around and sees that some of the people are starting to leave – some placing flowers down the graves.

It had taken Severus a couple days to figure out exactly where to bury his parents. He knew he had to bury them beside each other – after all, he didn't want to have to do two different funerals for each one. Eventually he had ended up deciding on the graveyard near the house that he had been raised in… which also happened to be almost exactly in the middle between the two different towns that his parents had been living in. Made it the perfect place really.

"Poetic," Severus whispers with a dry chuckle. "Such a poetic funeral really. Being buried side by side with the rain pouring down near the house you raised your kid in. Hell, to the ignorant it would almost seem like you two loved each other in life."

"Such lovely, parting words, Severus."

The Potions master whirls around to find himself face to face with none other then Lucius Malfoy.

"I must tell you." Lucius smiles. "Your mother had a set of lungs on her, that's for sure."

"Get out of here," Severus growls.

"Or what? You'll glare at me?" Lucius laughs. "You know just as well as me that there's no point in trying to attack each other here; in the open public. Especially now that you're practically begging for the Dark Lord to keep you. I must say, I was surprised when you dared to come back… Dumbledore's orders I presume?"

Severus turns around and makes a conscious effort to ignore Lucius as the stragglers finally start leaving the funeral service.

"Dad wasn't so vocal though, kind of disappointing."

"Shut-up." Severus voice takes on a low, menacing tone – heightened by the rough edge it still holds from the damaged vocal cords.

Lucius leans forward and whispers into Severus' ear, "One of the Death Eaters found your mother pretty hot. And I'd have to agree… for her age anyways. Though she's only what, eighteen years older than you?"

Severus whirls around but finds that Lucius is already gone.

That night Severus finds himself completely, utterly, totally drunk. And with his house now ransacked, destroyed, and probably under scrutiny by the Death Eaters, Severus is stuck staying at the Weasley's house – or rather the Order's new, permanent headquarters.

Even Sirius gives the Potions master a wide berth this particular night. After all, no one is really comfortable with seeing Severus showing any emotion – and those that are drunk tend to show emotions a little more easily.

The broken chair in Severus' room can confirm that statement.

-------------------------------

"You applied first for the Defense Against the Dark Arts post," Umbridge questions Severus, "Is that correct?"

"Yes," Severus answers; his voice holding a rougher edge than normal as his vocal cords are still attempting to heal completely.

"But you were unsuccessful?"

"Obviously…"

Ron attempts to stifle his laughter but is, for the most part, unsuccessful. Snape himself is slightly annoyed… his second day back since Christmas break and he's already subject to an inspection – it doesn't sit well with the Potions master.

"Now… for your absence these past two weeks," Umbridge continues, "Professor Dumbledore said something about a 'family emergency.' Would you care to elaborate for me?"

"No," Severus answers… his voice low and warning but it carries loudly over the now silent room.

"But you see." Umbridge smiles up at the taller Professor. "The Ministry needs to know exactly why teachers are absent. If you can't give me a more detailed answer besides 'family emergency' than I fear I will be forced to suspend you."

"The Ministry should know already. They're the ones that told me," Severus curtly replies.

"Even so, I don't know. And I must follow procedure." Her smile grows. "And with your… how should I say this? …colourful past, it would probably be in your best interest if you just told me. That is, if you want to keep your job."

"Perhaps it would be best if this conversation was left until a more appropriate time," Severus suggests.

"Oh, but I think this time is very appropriate. After all, I'm sure your students don't mind knowing why you were gone for so long."

Severus thinks he's about to snap at this woman if she doesn't shut-up. However, he realizes the futility of trying to argue with her – she does, after all, have the Ministry on her side.

"If you must know at this exact moment, though I can't fathom why, then very well." Severus can practically hear the excitement from the students as they wait for the reason why they didn't have a Potions class for two weeks. "My parents passed away."

"Well, if they're dead then that's not very much of an emergency, now is it?" Umbridge giggles slightly. "Unfortunately your parents dieing doesn't warrant a two week vacation… know that you're on probation from this moment on."

The students stay completely silent as Umbridge leaves the classroom; her heals clicking against the floor in a very steady, and to Severus, very annoying manner.

"That's a little cold," Ron mutters to both Harry and Hermione.

Severus hits him over the head with the book in his hand. "Back to your potions!" he commands, returning to examining Harry's cauldron.

Snape can smell the subtle, yet distinct, aroma of acid slowly leaking out of the cauldron. He conjures up a small piece of wood with his wand and dips it into the smoking, greenish-blue liquid in the cauldron. He removes the piece of wood to find that half of it is now gone.

"Tell me Harry," Severus angrily mutters, "How one can create an acid when attempting to create a simple sleeping drought?"

The Potters' child just shrugs and hangs he head sheepishly. He really had tried to do the potion correctly but he had just been too distracted by Professor Umbridge's questioning to focus completely.

"As punishment for you complete lack of even trying," Severus continues, "You are to–"

Snape's words are cut short as Harry's cauldron begins giving off a navy blue smoke and starts shaking violently. Severus waves his wand to try and get rid of the potion with a simple clearing spell – but it seems to be too late for that.

"Get back!" he orders to the class. "Everyone at the back wall"

The students franticly stand up and move, quite carelessly, to the back wall. With a flick of his wand Severus puts out all the fires that are set under the cauldrons. He racks his mind to try and figure what he can put in the potion to reduce the acidic nature of it.

The ingredients I gave the students couldn't combine to create this, Severus thinks to himself, So what's gone wrong?

"Syrup of hellebore," Severus mutters to himself. He flicks his wand and the store cupboards open… another flick of his wand brings a flask, with a gold coloured liquid in it, to him.

Severus tentatively nears the violently shaking cauldron and manages to get a few drops of the gold liquid to fall into the cauldron. Almost immediately the smoke begins to thin and the shaking stops.

Snape can hear the relief filled sigh that escapes from every student in the room. Some start to move back to their desks but the Potions professor raises his hand to tell them to stay back.

The potion still smells… off …and Severus isn't about to risk any unnecessary incidents today.

"Potter," Severus says as he cautiously approaches the cauldron in question and starts picking up each flask of ingredients on Harry's desk to examine them. "Can you read the fifth line of instructions for me?"

Harry gulps and squints through the hazy fog that now fills the classroom to read the board. "Add two drops of salamander blood. Stir clockwise three times then let simmer for twelve minutes. Add four drops of pomegranate juice."

"And tell me, Potter…" Snape holds up a small, clear container filled with a dark orange powder. "…why you have pomegranate powder, not juice, on your desk? And how did you manage to add four drops of pomegranate powder to your potion?"

Draco laughs. "Powder instead of juice? How did he screw that one up?"

"Professor," Harry whispers.

Snape looks up from the cauldron… he didn't actually expect Potter to answer him.

"I never got to the fifth step," Harry finishes.

Severus frowns. "Are you positive?"

"Yes." Harry's voice is so quite Snape can barely even hear it.

"Evanesco," Snape murmurs with a flick of his wand. The potion doesn't disappear.

"Everyone out!" Snape orders as the potion starts to bubble again.

Too late, Severus' mind warns. A loud hiss fills the room and Severus is forced to shout "Prestego" – quickly perform a shielding spell around the students at the back wall. Unfortunately that leaves him completely unprotected as the cauldron explodes – sending its contents, along with shards of metal, whizzing through the air.

Professor Snape ducks down and quickly shields his face with his left arm – his right arm still directing the shielding spell over the children. He can feel the liquid burning through skin and some of it just manages to land on his face before he could protect himself.

Eventually the noise quiets down and Severus straightens up. He lets the shielding spell disappear and notices, thankfully, that he was close enough to the cauldron that most of the potion had spit out over him and would've hit the students had it not been for his shielding spell.

"Professor!"

Snape turns to face the source of the voice, quickly wiping the acidic potion that landed on his face off – he'd rather burn the skin on his hand then the skin on his face. Personal preference really.

"Yes?" he questions, not immediately discovering the reason for the outburst.

"Professor…" Hermione points, with a shaking arm, to where the cauldron once was… now replaced with a fleeting form… Lily? Severus thinks in shock. The form stays floating in the air

"Lily?" Snape whispers in shock… memories flooding to him in such waves that his knees nearly buckle.

"Mother?" Harry whispers from behind the Potions professor. "Mother? Father? Sirius?"

Harry takes a couple steps forward then starts to break into a run. Severus grabs the child's arm and throws him back against the wall. "Stay put, Potter," he mutters. "All of you, don't move!"

"Grans?" someone whispers.

"It's my dog!" another student exclaims.

"Mother? Father?" a third student, Snape recognizes the voice as Neville's, whispers.

"No one move!" Severus orders again, his voice louder and more commanding than before.

The form continues rippling in the air; ever unchanging. Her gaze falls onto Severus; ever unwavering. Her eyes accusing, her hatred spilling from her, her disappointment clearly evident.

A boggart? Severus muddled mind comes up with. It must be a boggart! But how? Was it in the cauldron? And if so, then how did it get there?

Snape raises his wand. "Riddikulus!" The flickering form doesn't disappear and Severus realizes that this isn't a boggart – it's an affect from the vapour of Potter's unfortunate mishap of a sleeping draught.

"Everyone, out!" Snape orders and he hears the children's feet as the scatter for the door.

He takes a few shaking breaths and then turns around. Snape grabs the still unmoving Harry. "Get out!" he barks with a not-so-gentle shove. His vision is starting to spin and his balance uneven.

Once assured that all the students have safely left Severus also leaves. He shuts the door behind him and points his wand at it. "Colloportus," he mutters; the door's locks click shut.

"What… what… what was that?" A shaking voice questions.

"Who put moondust in Potter's potion?" Severus' voice cuts through the air… he does a remarkable job of not-really-shaking.

Not a single student answers. Most of them have no idea why moondust has any importance to their teacher, or why he asked about it, or even what it really even does. However, Snape doesn't need a vocal answer to get an answer – his Legilimency skills are currently being employed to find him his answer.

And he finds it; staring straight up at him… all blonde haired and Death Eater-tainted. Draco, he thinks, Of course. Lucius would've told his kid to try and hurt me – probably gave him the moondust. Probably all on the Dark Lord's orders too.

"Sir?" Hermione questions, "What does moondust have to with anything?"

"Everything," Severus spits out but then sighs; his vision is still swimming and he finds it hard to focus for too long on any one thing.

"Moondust, when added with this particular sleeping draught, causes what you just saw," Snape explains, "And it also causes the people who inhale the vapour given off to see images of the people they most miss."

"And you saw Lily?" Harry questions, is voice barely above a whisper.

Severus ignores him. "Also, if enough is inhaled, at a strong enough potency – say, right beside the potion – it can cause you to lose unconsciousness."

"But you were right –"

The voice falls on deaf ears as Snape's muddled mind loses its hold on the waking world. With a few gasps from the students the Potions professor collapses into a heap on the dungeon floor.

-------------------------------

Severus opens his eyes to find his vision still wavers slightly.

"Ah, you're awake," a voice states.

"Albus?" Severus questions – not quite remembering what happened to land him in the hospital wing.

"It is I," the same voice replies. The tension in Severus' muscles relax and he turns his eyes to meet Dumbledore's – who is sitting in a chair beside his bed.

"Hermione explained it all to me," Albus quietly says, "And I explained it all to Umbridge – well, it was a little more vague than Hermione's description. But nonetheless, it is dealt with."

Severus nods as the memories of what occurred come flooding back to him. The potion… the moondust… Lily.

Lily! Severus mind starts to race, his heart pounding. Oh God, Lily!

"Severus, are you okay?" Dumbledore asks – Severus barely registers the voice.

Why now? Severus thinks, After all these years why can I not shake her from my mind now?

"Severus?" Dumbledore's voice grows slighter higher with concern but still, Severus barely registers the sound.

Because, a bitter voice in Snape's mind snarls, Because you promised to protect her son, Lily Potter's son, for Lily. But you're failing and you know it. How long can you keep up this act as a spy? The Dark Lord has forgiven your betrayal once but he will not do it again. You will fail again and then what? What can you do to protect Lily's son if not a spy? Nothing!

"Severus!" Dumbledore's voice grows louder with terrifying worry.

The Potions master pushes the thoughts to the back of his mind and mutters something incomprehensible under his voice. "What?" he snaps back at Albus.

Dumbledore sighs and decides not to press the matter.

-------------------------------

"I have a favour to ask of you," Albus asks as Severus sits down in the chair opposite to the Headmaster.

Severus raises an eyebrow in question.

"I wish for you to teach Harry Occlumency."

Severus mouth opens slightly in shock. "Teach James' son Occlumency? Have you gone mad!"

"I fear the connection between Voldemort and Harry has grown too strong. It is true that the connection allowed us to save Mr. Weasley but I fear that Voldemort will soon learn of this connection, if he hasn't already, and will try to use it against the boy."

Severus looks as if he desperately wants to protest but eventually he simple nods. "I assume you will tell Harry?"

Dumbledore nods and watches as Severus slowly stands up and leaves; shutting the office door quietly behind him.

Please, Dumbledore begs in his mind, Please look past your hatred for James. Harry needs to succeed in this.

-------------------------------

Severus is furious… Albus can clearly see that. The Potions master is pacing back and forth in the kitchen in the Weasley's house but refuses to speak of whatever is bothering him.

So Albus sits quietly, drinking his tea. "You know Severus, I don't have forever."

Severus stops his pacing to stare at the former Headmaster; who is now currently being hunted down by the Ministry. "I know," he whispers.

"Then tell me what is bothering you. I cannot hope to help if I don't know what is wrong."

"It's that boy!" Severus shouts before calming himself down. "James' son –"

"Lily's son," Dumbledore interrupts.

Severus looks up at the old wizard then sighs. "Fine… Lily's son."

"What has he done?" Albus sets his cup down on the table and watches as Severus starts pacing again.

"He looked in the Pensieve." Severus sneers. "During Occlumency lessons. I had to leave and told him to too. But when I came back he was looking in the Pensieve."

"And what did he see?"

"A memory of his father and his friends, along with me." Severus elaborates no more.

Albus sighs… knowing full well that this invasion of privacy by Harry has done nothing but fuel Severus' hatred of the boy even more. "Listen Severus, you must still continue the lessons. Harry needs to learn to block Voldemort from his mind."

"No," Severus whispers. He stops pacing to stare into Dumbledore's eyes. "No," he repeats.

"Severus… he must learn."

"He will never learn!" Severus shouts. "He refuses to even practice. He enjoys the connection he has… he loves how special it makes him. He can't, or refuses, to even consider the fact that the Dark Lord will use it against him! I cannot teach someone who refuses to try!"

Dumbledore rubs the bridge of his nose in exhaustion. "Very well. If you believe that Harry can learn no more from you, if he truly is refusing to block out Voldemort, then you can stop the lessons. The decision is up to you. But please, if you do stop the lessons then keep a closer eye on him. If he comes to you with any warnings listen to them and act on them. Do you promise?"

"I promise," Severus mutters.

"I still think you should keep up with the lessons," Albus continues.

"I know, but…" Severus sighs. "…we'll see."

-------------------------------

Severus quietly enters the Weasley house, his back protesting with every step. The Dark Lord had not been very happy when he learned that the Prophecy had been destroyed and had taken his anger out on all. Including Severus… who found himself at the brute end of the Dark Lord's anger. It was, after all, Severus who failed to overhear the full prophecy in the first war.

Severus knew that all to well.

The Potions master walks the small distance to the kitchen and slowly pushes the door open. He does what he always does as soon as he enters an Order meeting late, a quick head count.

The quick head count produces more people than it should. He frowns… why are the children here? He had heard something about Harry and a few of his friends being at the Ministry. The stupid fools, Severus thinks, Did they really think they could stand a chance against the Death Eaters?

"Ah, Severus," Moody says. "I take it you have a report to make?"

Another sweeping glance over the room finds Severus staring into the grief stricken eyes of anyone who will meet his gaze. He notices, for the first time, that three people from the Order are missing.

"Where are Sirius and Tonks?" Severus asks; fearing the very worst. He knows that the third missing person, Dumbledore, can't be dead – if he was the Dark Lord would surely have told him.

Kingsley looks at him with a questioning gaze. "You were not told?"

"The Dark Lord was more concerned with punishment tonight than reports," Severus replies with a shrug. "I know nothing of what happened since I was not allowed to go… on either side." The last part he adds as an afterthought for the children in the room who might not know all the details.

"Tonks was injured by Bellatrix," Lupin answers in a mere whisper, "She was taken to St. Mungo's… they say she'll be fine."

"And Sirius?"

When no one answers Severus swears his heart skips a few beats. "Well…?"

"Severus…" Remus sighs. "Bellatrix killed him."

The Potions master opens his mouth to speak, but closes it when no words come out. He opens his mouth again, but again he can find no words to say so he just closes his mouth with a small sigh.

"Not like you really care," Harry mutters.

Severus ignores James' son and moves to sit in his normal seat. He can't quite calm his now racing heart. This is my fault, he thinks as his soul feels as if it's being shredded, The Dark Lord found out about Sirius' and Harry's relationship through me. Of course he would try to use Sirius to get to Harry.

Severus has never been fond of Sirius Black but he never likes being the reason behind anyone's death, no matter whose. And this is Sirius… one of the Marauders… a man who has lived through Azkaban. Surely he couldn't be dead?

But he is, Snape's mind whispers to him, Your fault… your information led to his death.

-------------------------------

"Dumbledore, listen!" Severus' voice is ragged with emotion. "I cannot do this!"

"You gave me your word Severus… you promised me." Dumbledore sits comfortably in his office chair; his tone of voice suggests he could be speaking about something as mundane as the weather.

Severus begins pacing… a habit he has formed of late that he doesn't particularly enjoy. "You tell me nothing and expect me to kill you! Of all the people you could ask me to kill it has to be you! Have you lost your mind?"

"You say you've received your previous high rank within the Death Eaters again?" Albus asks, conveniently changing the conversation's direction.

Snape nods distractedly. "Yes, after Lucius' failures and the imprisonments of those that were captured in the Department of Mysteries he's put more trust in me."

"Then you know why I ask you to be the one to end my life, and not Draco, you will get Voldemort's complete trust."

"If I hadn't screwed up at the beginning I would already have his full trust!" Severus can't keep the anger and hatred for himself out of his own voice. "And then I wouldn't have to kill you!"

"However, as it stands that is not what happened. And even if it hadn't happened I would still ask you to do this, you know that."

"Because Draco's soul isn't broken yet, but mine is?" Severus stops his pacing to stare at the Headmaster. "Maybe I managed to fix my soul. Maybe I don't want it to be broken again! Did you think of that!"

"You haven't fixed your soul," Albus whispers with a sad smile.

"How do you know that!" Severus' anger is growing with every second.

"Because if you had, then the mere mention of Lily's name wouldn't bring you to near tears."

"Don't!"

"You asked… no... you pleaded to me for a chance at redemption all those years ago. I'm giving you this chance now, will you not take it?"

"How can killing you bring me any redemption at all!" Severus starts pacing again. "If anything it will only solidify my place in Hell! How am I suppose to live in this world if I kill you… every one will hate me! Every one will believe me a traitor!"

"The truth will come out… whether in life or death, people will eventually know that your actions are honourable."

"And until then?" Severus' voice falls to a mere whisper. "And pray, tell me, what do I do until then? The Dark Lord's biding with no hesitation? I don't want to go back to just serving him… I don't want that isolation!"

"Is it anymore than the isolation you force upon yourself now?" Albus' voice is tinted with sadness.

"I might not have friends here… but at least I have acquaintances – people fighting for the same goal as I. I'm alone, but not totally alone. Once I kill you I won't even have that anymore."

"You've lived like that before."

"Barely…"

-------------------------------

1997

-------------------------------

The desk crashes against the wall with a loud crash; splintering into a hundred different pieces. Severus would've normally gone to his room to vent his rage but he found himself unable to control himself for that long.

So instead he finds himself in his office – his desk now broken and all that had been on it scattered on the floor. A few jars on the shelf behind him start to shake and then break; shattering into dozens of shards – their contents spilling onto the floor. The uncontrollable and accidental magic that breaks the jars is a testament to Severus' anger.

He's used me! Severus' mind shouts at him in anger, All this time he's been using me! 'Protect Lily's son… we need to protect Lily's son,' he would tell me. For what! So he can die at precisely the right time?

"He used me," Severus mutters, falling to his knees. "Why? Always used… always used. That's all I've ever been good for. Take my talents and use them. The Dark Lord twisted my rage to his own uses. Dumbledore twists my guilt to his own uses. Used… used… used… always, always used."

The Potions master falls into rambles so strung together that they become incomprehensive and eventually turn into choking sobs of guilt, anger, hatred, and despair.

"Severus?"

The calm voice breaks through Snape's muddled mind full of painful memories and swimming emotions.

"I wanted redemption Albus," Severus murmurs, "Not deceit and lies. And you, out of everyone… you…"

"It had to be done. If I had told you before –"

"I wouldn't have agreed?" Severus interrupts, "I know. You promised me Albus… promised me I'd get what I never had before… did I get it? Tell me, did I get it!"

Dumbledore sighs and kneels down beside the distraught Potions master. "You have friends Severus… people who care about you."

"I have acquaintances," Severus spits out, "And you… a lying, betraying, old fool of wizard. And once I've killed you I'll have nothing. Where's the justice in that? Where's your promise then?"

"I will not try to defend my actions… I will not deny what I've done. I used you, I betrayed you. But what else would you have had? A life in Azkaban or a life here… you got your second chance… this is just a small price you had to pay for it."

"I trusted you… did everything you told me to because I trusted you. 'We have to protect Lily's son… protect him for her… so her death isn't in vain'." Severus quotes Dumbledore's words. "That wasn't it at all though, was it? You just need Potter alive so he can die!"

"Severus…"

"Get out!"

"No," Albus whispers, "I'm not leaving."

"Get! Out!"

"I'm not leaving you alone so you can hurt yourself."

Severus attempts to take in a deep breath but it's more of a sob. "I'm not going to hurt myself," he feebly mutters; somehow all his anger has left him.

"You've done it before, how can I trust you not to do it again?"

"Trust…" Severus laughs; a quiet, desperate laugh. "…it always comes back to trust, doesn't it?"

"Yes…"

-------------------------------

"Drinking again?"

Severus whirls around to stare at the painting of Albus Dumbledore. "Shut-up," he mutters.

"It's not a habit you should develop, you know that," Albus continues.

"Well, if I hadn't had to kill you I wouldn't be drinking, now would I!"

"You don't need to yell Severus."

"You don't need to talk." Snape takes a long drink of firewhisky directly from the bottle in his hand.

"There has to be someone –"

"For the last time, Albus, there's no one for me to talk to except your portrait!" Severus takes another drink. "Complete isolation… I told you this would happen, but did you care? Of course not! All for the greater good, right Albus?"

The painting of Dumbledore sighs quietly. "The truth will come out, you know that."

"Even if the truth does come out it's not going to absolve my guilt, is it?"

"You shouldn't feel guilty, I told you to kill me."

"That doesn't change the fact that I did it!" Severus takes yet another drink; the bottle is half-empty now. "I killed you! The only person who's ever even sort-of trusted me… I. Killed. You!"

"You're not going to be able to drink away your guilt."

"I know…" Severus finishes the last half of the bottle in one gulp. "I know…"

-------------------------------

1998

-------------------------------

"Severus…?" Albus' portrait questions in concern as the Potions master rushes into the Headmaster's office; a bloody cloth pressed tightly against his right wrist.

"Not now," Severus snaps as he opens up the middle left draw of his desk with his foot.

Taking the pressure off the poorly wrapped cloth Severus pulls out a small white box from the drawer and places it on the top of the desk. He frowns as he notices the small puddle of blood that's formed on the ground underneath him; his wrist bleeding too much for the cloth to stop.

"Severus…"

"Not now Albus." Severus drops down into a chair and gingerly places his right hand on the top of his desk.

He pushes away the papers scattered on his desk so that he doesn't get any blood on them and then he carefully and slowly peels the cloth away from his wrist. Two large gashes run from his inner wrist up to just about his elbow.

"Severus," Albus' portrait whispers from beside the Potions master, "If you went to Pomfrey she could –"

"Could what?" Severus interrupts as he opens the white box and pulls out an already previous threaded needle. "She could heal me? She hates me. What am I going to do… walk up to her and say: 'Hey, I know you hate me because I killed Dumbledore but would you mind healing up these self-inflicted gashes on my wrist? Thanks.' Somehow I don't think that would really work."

"You're going to stitch them up yourself?" Albus asks. "Won't that hurt?"

"I'm sure it will."

"Severus… is this another one of your attempts to deal with your guilt?"

"You're smart Albus… even as a portrait… I'm sure you can answer that question yourself."

"That's a lot of blood," Albus notes.

"Really?" Severus' voice is dripping with sarcasm. "I never noticed. Thanks for pointing that out."

The Potions master bites his bottom lip as the needle pierces through his skin. Slowly and methodically he stitches up the first gash in his arm. He knots the thread and then cuts it off at the top of the knot with a small pair of scissors from the white box.

Severus can taste the blood in his mouth from the cut he's created on his lower lip from biting down so hard to prevent himself from crying out. He sighs as he rethreads the needle and wipes away the blood from the second gash.

"That's one deeper, isn't it?"

"I know Albus," Severus mutters, "Stop pointing out the obvious. I know!"

Severus sighs and watches his shaking left hand. He's starting to feel light-headed from the loss of blood.

"You're really white," Albus states.

"I'm sure I am," Severus replies as he puts the needle down and opens up the bottom left drawer in his desk. He pulls out a bottle of firewhisky, takes a long drink, and then sets the bottle down on the desk. "People tend to go white when they lose as much blood as I have."

"Drinking isn't going to help."

"Drinking will steady my shaking. I can't stitch up my arm when I'm shaking. Therefore drinking will, for once, actually help."

Albus sighs. "You're in denial."

"I didn't ask for your opinion."

"You don't deserve this," the former Headmaster suddenly says… his voice quiet with sadness and regret.

"Yah, well…" Severus picks the needle up again and pierces his skin with a little more force than necessary. "…life isn't fair, is it?"

"But this…"

"Albus, really, just shut-up. Please?"

A knock startles Severus. "Who is it?" he calls out, realizing that his voice is shaking ever-so-slightly.

"It's Professor McGonagall, Headmaster."

Severus cringes at the anger and spite in Minerva's voice. But he jerks his head up at the sound of the door opening and he watches in horror as McGonagall steps in.

"Did I say you could come in?" Severus asks in a low, angry voice.

The Transfigurations professor stares in shock at Severus' bloody arm and the blood-covered desk. "What happened?"

"That's none of your concern," Severus replies coldly. "Is this important or can it wait until later?"

"I'll come back," she states, examining the pale face of the Potions master. "Are you okay?"

"I'm just brilliant," Severus' doesn't bother to hide the sarcasm in his voice. "You can leave now."

She nods and, almost as an afterthought, bows slightly before turning around and quietly exiting the office.

"You can't talk to her?" Albus questions from beside the desk. "Surely Minerva would listen if you only explained –"

"Look, Albus… I don't think you realize the sheer magnitude of the hate people hold towards me." Severus sighs as he finishes stitching up the second gash in his arm and wraps it up with some gauze before pulling his sleeve back down.

"I know very well how much people hate you. I also know very well how much you refuse to even attempt to help yourself. Do you believe yourself to be unworthy of anything more than this?"

Severus suddenly stands up and turns to face the portrait of the former Headmaster; his eyes flashing with anger. "You've lectured me, betrayed me, and twisted my emotions to use for your own purposes far too many times in life. I refuse to allow you to do the same in death!"

"Sever –"

"Shut! Up!"

The painting of Albus Dumbledore stays silent in thought for quite a few moments before finally sighing and saying: "I don't think I shall Severus."

"Fine!" Severus snaps at the portrait. "Then I'm leaving! Try lecturing me when I'm not here!"

The Potions master turns on his heels to leave but the sudden movement, coupled with the loss of blood, sends his vision spinning and he desperately grabs on to a nearby shelf to steady himself. "Damn it," he mutters.

"Severus…"

"For fuck sakes! Just shut-up!"

All the portraits of the former Headmasters and Headmistresses, except Dumbledore, gasp in shock at Severus' use of the swear word and start shouting out; loudly voicing their displeasure. But Severus doesn't notice and instead he sinks into his chair and rubs his temple in a futile attempt to rid himself of his sudden, and painful, headache.

"I don't deserve to be here," he whispers, cutting through the angry shouts of the portraits and silencing them.

"Whatever do you mean Severus?" Albus' painting asks.

"Here," Severus mutters; his eyes shut tightly and still rubbing his temple. "I don't deserve to be a Headmaster."

"The castle seems to disagree."

"What?" Severus opens his eyes to look quizzically at Dumbledore's portrait.

"Remember Dolores?" Albus asks.

"Dolores Umbridge? How could I forget?" Severus smiles in disgust at the memory of that bastard of a woman.

"When she became Headmistress the castle wouldn't open this office's door. The castle knew she was evil and therefore wouldn't let her take over the Headmaster's office."

"What does that have to do with anything?" Severus grabs the bottle of firewhisky off his desk and takes a small drink.

Albus frowns as he watches Severus drink but doesn't comment on the behaviour. "The castle let you take over the Headmaster's office," he continues. "The castle knows your actions are honourable."

"Great… the castle trusts me," Severus mutters sarcastically, "Maybe I should start pouring my feelings out to the walls?"

"Severus… that is not what I mean."

"I don't think you even know what you mean. After all, you're just a damn painting!"

Albus sighs; realizing that his attempts at getting through to the stressed and guilt-ridden Potions master are futile and falling on deaf ears.

"Just a damn painting," Severus repeats to himself in a voice so quite that the portraits in the room can barely hear him. "I wish you weren't just a goddamn painting."

"I know."

"Shut-up…"

-------------------------------

Snape ducks under a curse and whirls around to find himself face to face with none other than the werewolf.

"Lupin?" Severus whispers… the rest of the battle completely lost from his concentration.

"Snape," Lupin states, his voice cold and collected.

Severus open his mouth to speak… to try and explain himself… but Lupin just shakes his head slowly.

"What's done is done Severus… you have your reasons I'm sure."

And with that the Potions master stares in shock as Lupin turns his attention away from him and returns to the battle. A killing curse flies by Snape's head so close that he hears it whistling in his ear. His attention is torn from Lupin's retreating form and forced back to the battle.

Why did he spare me?

-------------------------------

He's going to die. He can see the glint in the Dark Lord's eyes… can hear the plan forming in the tone of Voldemort's voice.

Voldemort, Severus thinks to himself, Lord Voldemort… no, not Lord… not Voldemort. Just Tom, Tom Riddle. Tom I'm-going-to-fucking-kill-everyone-who-isn't-pureblood Riddle.

Severus raises his wand but knows it's futile. As good of a wizard as he is he knows he's no match for Riddle.

I'm sorry Albus, he thinks as Nagini's fangs pierce deep into his neck – he hears someone scream but he can't make out if it's himself or not. I couldn't find Potter… I couldn't tell him. I'm sorry. It seems, in the end, that you used me for no real reason.

Severus lets himself fall to the floor in a heap and his hand comes up to try and desperately stop the flow of blood that pours out of his neck. But he knows it's useless; even if he manages to stop the blood the poison from Nagini's fangs will still kill him.

Should've taken that anti-venom potion, he thinks to himself as the room around him starts to spin, But then again… I didn't particularly want to live through this anyways.

Severus can hear someone… their footsteps light and slow – not like Riddle's even and loud ones. A rippled, shadowy person suddenly appears in his line of vision.

Potter?

He squints his eyes to try and clear his vision more but it's hopeless. He can smell his blood, taste it in his mouth. The poison courses through his body as his heart beats loudly and rapidly in his chest.

James' son bends over the bloody body of the Potions master and stares into the wide, black eyes set in the gaunt, pale face. Severus reaches up to the wavering form of the child and seizes the front of his robes… pulling him close so that the child may hear his words.

"Take… it… Take… it…" God, am I really this weak? Does death shatter the strength of character I once had?

Harry stares at the silvery blue substance that Severus is letting leak from his body. The child doesn't seem to know what to do but someone gives him a flask – Severus doesn't see who but he guesses it's Hermione. That girl's probably the only reason Potter's still alive, Severus thinks bitterly.

James' son using his wand to collect the memories that Severus has left him. All the time Harry refuses to look at the dying Potions master – refusing to look into the cold, desperate black eyes.

"Look… at… me…" Severus whispers, blood gurgling in his throat.

Harry looks at the dying man; green eyes matching blue ones. And suddenly Harry is no longer James' son.

You're Lily's son, Severus dully thinks, Through and through… Lily's son. Did I succeed Lily? Are you proud of me? Was my life not in vain?

The black eyes dull and Harry watches in horror as Severus' hand becomes limp and falls with a thud against the floor.

Severus Snape is dead.

-------------------------------

It isn't white… it isn't filled with a silver haze or shrouded in golden light.

No, Severus thinks, It looks quite normal… in fact, it looks very familiar.

"Is this?" Severus whispers to himself. "Is this King's Cross?"

The Potions master's hand moves to his neck where he feels for Nagini's bite mark – but the skin is smooth and untainted. This is death? he wonders.

"King's Cross is Hell?" Severus voice is slightly louder than normal with confusion. "Or am I somehow not dead?"

A familiar voice chuckles nearby. "What were you expecting Severus? A white light? Golden halos?"

Severus turns to face the voice and finds Dumbledore sitting, looking quite bored really, on a bench.

"Actually… I was expecting fire, flames, and heat. You know… the devil and Hell and all."

Albus smiles and stands up. "Come here, I want to take a look at you."

Severus crosses the small distance to Albus with ease. Somehow he feels as if he should be more concerned with what is going on… that perhaps he's being tricked into thinking he's going to Heaven after all when in fact he'll be sent to Hell.

But he can't quite seem to be able to find any other emotion within himself except calmness and a sense of finality.

"Have you just been sitting here and watching us all?" Severus asks as he stands beside the former Headmaster.

"Something like that. I didn't want to move on until I found out exactly what happened. It seems you managed to succeed in telling Harry – did you not?"

Severus shrugs slightly. "I gave him my memories… I'm sure his curiosity will get the best of him and he'll look at them soon enough."

They fall into silence for many minutes until it's finally broken by Dumbledore. "I'm proud of you Severus."

The Potions master turns to face the old wizard and arches an eyebrow in question. "I can only hope what I did was enough."

"Enough for what… your redemption?"

Snape nods.

"Severus… you're here, with me. Unless you're suggesting that I didn't make it to Heaven then I think it's safe to say that you've found your redemption." Albus smiles and his eyes twinkle with joy. "I knew you'd do it."

"Of course you did…" Severus trails off as he turns his head to stare at the empty train tracks. "Shouldn't there be a silver mist or something? Because this seems an awful lot like real life."

"Who says this isn't real? It's only the next adventure Severus… and I think you'll find some people waiting for you if you choose to go on."

"Choose? I can choose?"

"Well of course you can choose. You can go back if you want – but I daresay I can't imagine you as a ghost at Hogwarts."

Severus laughs… somehow he feels so very relaxed here. More relaxed than he's felt for years. "Are you coming?" Severus asks after the silence stretches on for a few minutes.

"I will… in time," Albus whispers, "But there is someone I think I want to see first… someone who I think will end up choosing to return."

"So the Potter boy is really going to die, isn't he?"

"Oh, it's not a matter of whether he dies or not…" Albus' voice is merry and excited. "…but whether if he chooses to stay dead. I think it should be very interesting."

"You're speaking in riddles."

"I would think that you, out of everyone, would be used to that by now."

Severus smiles. "Do you realize how incredibly annoying your portrait at Hogwarts is?"

Albus own smile fades slightly. "I see you did not leave your own portrait."

"Why should I? I daresay I don't want to have to be one who is annoying to the next Headmaster. Really… how could you stand all those paintings? They drove me mad!"

Albus chuckles. "Well… I'm not terrible surprised. But still… it would've been nice to have you legacy left behind."

"I don't particularly think any will want to remember me."

"You said you gave Harry your memories though…" Albus chuckles. "…I'm sure he'll do everything in his power to clear your name once he realizes that you've been on his side all along."

Severus sighs. "I guess I better be one my way."

Albus shrugs. "If you want… like I said before, there are some people waiting for you. There are actually a couple of people who have been waiting for a long time."

Severus nods and slowly parts ways with Albus. He walks on for quite some time… following the direction of the empty train tracks. He isn't quite sure he knows exactly where he's going but for some reason he isn't too concerned about that.

"Snape?"

That voice, Severus thinks to himself, It's so very familiar. But why can't I place it?

"Or should I say Snivellus?"

Severus turns to face the direction of the sound to see Sirius standing there. "Even in death you won't leave me alone, will you?"

Sirius smiles as Severus walks over and stops right in front of the Animagus.

"I just want to ask you one thing. You didn't do all this just because of your love for Lily? Because if you did then you must realize how ridiculously cliché and romantic, and even kind of obsessive, that is."

Severus laughs but his eyes are starting to brim with tears. "I loved Lily… I still love Lily. But it was more than just love. She was the first… the first friend I ever had. And the only friend I ever had that was on the good side, so-to-say." Severus closes his eyes briefly to stop the tears from escaping. He continues, his eyes still closed: "She was my morality really."

"Still sounds slightly obsessive to me, really," Sirius whispers.

"Wait," Severus suddenly says as he opens his eyes. "Why am I telling you this? Out of all people, why you?"

"In this place it's practically impossible to be angry or bitter. Besides... we're dead Severus, I don't think it matters too much."

"I think he's quite right… don't you Tonks?"

Severus turns his head to see both Lupin and Tonks walk out from behind a wall that he hadn't noticed earlier.

"You…" Severus eyes widen in shock. "You two… both of you?"

"What?" Lupin laughs. "Did you think you were going to get to be the only one who dies and becomes a martyr?"

"But I though…" Severus frowns. "…I thought you two had a baby?"

Tonks happiness fades slightly but she quickly smiles again. "We do. His name is Teddy… after my father."

"But then… if you two are…"

"Severus," Lupin interrupts, "I'm quite sure there will be plenty of people left alive to raise him."

"Yah, like my mom!"

Severus stares, mouth opened in shock, as Fred Weasley appears from behind the wall. "You… you too?"

"Well, there's so many of us Weasley's that one of us was bound to end up dead." Fred shrugs, suddenly looking very nervous under the scrutiny of his former professor. "You know… I just want to say that I'm kind of sorry… for like, detesting you for all these years. And believing that you really did betray us and –"

"Mr. Fred Weasley," Severus cuts in, "Do you really think I care that much about what you thought of me all these years?" Severus' smirk tells Fred that he isn't actually angry with him.

"Remus." Severus turns to the werewolf. "When we met during the battle… why didn't you kill me?"

Lupin smiles softly and is quite happy to find Severus addressing most of the people here by their first names. "I always had this feeling that you just couldn't betray us. There was always this lingering thought that when you killed Dumbledore it was because you had too… because you needed to for some reason I couldn't understand. I doubted your loyalty after that but I could never bring myself to completely hate you."

"Son?"

Severus turns to see the face that the new voice belongs to. "Mother?" he whispers.

The ever growing crowd of people parts to allow Eileen a clear path to her son.

"When I came here… well… I didn't know what was going on. I was awfully confused," she whispers as she slowly makes her way to Severus. "I was all alone you know… I haven't seen your father here at all. And those people, black cloaks and evil eyes… they came upon me so fast I had no hope of saving myself. One of them… Lucius I think his name was… told me he knew you. I realized that they were those evil men you got caught up with all those years ago."

Severus gulps as his mother now stands before him. He has to look down to see into her eyes since he's easily a foot taller than her.

"I was here for a very long time, all alone. Wondering what happened to you. Were you killed? Were you hurting? I was scared and so terribly, terribly alone. But I didn't want to leave this place without someone else. And then Dumbledore came… and he told me everything. And I think my heart broke when I finally learned of all you've done these years. I was hoping I'd never have to see you here but I can't say I'm terribly sad… I've missed you so much."

Severus finds he has no words to say so instead settles for doing something he hasn't done in such a long time that he can't even remember the last time he did it.

He hugs her.

"I was so scared after what Dumbledore told me," she continues… her voice muffled against Severus' chest. "I thought you might end up going where you father went. You know… to Hell. And I would've been devastated because you don't deserve that. You've been so very, very brave and strong and sacrificed so much to help everyone else. And I know I wasn't the best of mothers… not even close. But I was always so scared for you – especially after you got involved with all those 'Dark Arts' people. But I guess in the end it worked out though, because you involvement with them helped us so much. But still… I wish it would've turned out better for you. You never did get what you deserved from life, and now you're dead. It's just not fair!"

"Your son…" a rough voice states as a person steps out from behind the wall. "…was probably the strongest and bravest of us all. I can't even imagine what he's gone through for us – especially in the last year."

"Alastor? Alastor Moody?" Severus whispers in slight confusion, still hugging his mother tightly. "You look different without that magical eye of yours."

"Well, you look different with some actual meat on your bones."

Severus laughs but his smile fades as he catches sight of the next person to walk out from behind the wall.

"Potter?" Severus whispers as his mother untangles herself from his arms.

Eileen looks from her son's face to James' face and slowly backs away to join the group of people who have already said their peace.

James doesn't step forward but instead he smiles faintly and says: "There's someone who really wants to see you... she's been waiting a long time."

A red-headed girl comes running out from behind the wall and right into Severus' shocked arms. "Lily?" he whispers breathlessly.

"Oh Severus." She's sobbing into his shirt, making his clothes wet but Severus doesn't mind much. "I'm so, so sorry! Maybe if I hadn't stopped talking to you then you might not've gone to the Death Eaters. And you don't know how hard it's been for me to sit here and watch you hurt so much. I want to thank you though… for helping Harry, even if he did remind you of James and –"

"He has your eyes," Severus interrupts, "And there's nothing for you to apologize or thank me for. It's I who should be talking." Severus closes his eyes and leans his head against Lily's… again he's taller then the woman he holds but he doesn't mind. "I'm sorry I killed you… and no, don't say I didn't. I told Voldemort of the prophecy… it led to your death. But I need to thank you… all my life you've been my pillar of morality – my one connection to the good side. You kept me grounded, even in death, and kept me from falling completely into the darkness. You're the reason I stand here, in the crossroads to Heaven, and not Hell."

She sniffles and untangles herself from Severus' arms. She smiles up at him through her tears and he smiles back too, quickly wiping his own tears away.

"There's no need," Lily whispers, "No need to be ashamed of your tears."

Severus smiles. "True. But your husband seems to be a little jealous at the moment."

"So what?" Lily laughs. "We've been together for years now… I think he can spare a few moments away from me."

James slowly makes his way towards the two old friends and Lily steps to the side to allow them to confront each other.

"I'm –"

"Don't," Severus states as he holds out his right hand.

James looks at it with confusion but eventually decides that Severus means no harm. He takes the offered hand and they shake.

"Just stay away from my wife," James says with a mock glare, "She's mine… you can't have her."

Severus chuckles. "Who says I can't?"

"I see you've reacquainted yourself with everyone Severus."

Everyone turns around to see who spoke. "Albus?" Severus questions. "So I take it your mysterious person came to see you?"

"Oh yes," Albus says with twinkle in his eyes. "Came and gone already. I think everything's gone as well as can be over there in the 'real world' as Severus so nicely put it."

"Well then," Alastor says, "Should we be on our way then? I, for one, am quite tired of waiting and also quite curious in where the train will lead us this time. I'm assuming not to Hogwarts."

Severus turns to look at the train tracks that were previously empty and sees that it now contains a train. "Wait, have you two waited here for us since you died?" Severus directs his question at both Lily and James.

James smiles. "Of course."

"We wouldn't go anywhere without our friends!" Lily exclaims. "Besides, it wasn't really that long… especially now that we're all here, together!"

"I have a feeling that there are some other friends waiting on the train to," James thinks out loud. "Severus, I think as the man who has sacrificed the most you should be allowed to board the train first."

Severus raises an eyebrow in question. "Are you being nice to me Potter? I think death has muddled your brain."

James' face turns serious. "You did protect my son for all those years and –"

"New rule!" Fred speaks up as he notices how uncomfortable Severus has suddenly become. "No mushy talk until we get to wherever this train will take us."

Dumbledore smiles. "I think that's a fine rule Fred. Now Severus, let's go… I am also quite curious as to what the next adventure will be."

"But –"

"No Severus," Albus interrupts, "You're not going to be allowed to isolate yourself from us so don't even think about it."

"Severus, I have one last question before we go." Lupin's voice is quiet and serious.

"Yes?"

"Why didn't you take an anti-venom potion, surely you would've known that there was a chance Voldemort would send his snake after you."

Severus sadly smiles. "There wasn't much… hope… that I could see in my life." Severus' pauses to collect his thoughts. "To tell you the truth, I just didn't want to live anymore."

The Potions master wonders vaguely how Remus knew that Nagini had been the one to kill him but he doesn't ask. After all, this is the afterlife… it probably doesn't exactly follow the same rules as the real world.

"Well on that sober tone," Albus says in his overly merry voice, "Shall we go? Severus, lead the way."

Severus nods and walks towards the train, everyone follows closely behind him in relaxed silence.

For the first time in a long, long time, possibly his whole life – he can't quite remember, Severus feels accepted… feels loved… feels like he belongs… feels like one of them.

-------------------------------

Author's Note: I know that 'poeticy' isn't really a word but I could've sworn it was. However…I couldn't find any sort of word that would fit in so I just put it in. Let's just chalk it up to creative license, mkay?

Also… I'm not quite sure if I like the 'afterlife' scene but I tried. I'm still hugely pissed over Snape's death in the book (though it was, as with almost the whole book, completely predictably). As a whole I was sadly disappointed with the 7th book, but oh well.

I may do a second chapter with Snape's funeral and how people deal with his death and the fact that he actually was loyal to them all… but I don't know. That's kind of up to you guys, the reader's. So, what do you think… should I do another chapter or not?

And in case anyone wants to know… this was suppose to be a short one-shot. But seeing as it's now over 20,000 words I think it's safe to say that it just kind of developed a life of its own.

Please review!