AN: *Trigger warning for this chapter…child death mentioned (not too graphic)*
This is a continuation of 'Friendship or Love'. It would help to read that one first. Also, a lot of credit for this goes to my Nathalie, she helped a lot.
Disclaimer: I don't own Rizzoli and Isles.
PROLOGUE
Friday night:
''Okay guys I gotta run,'' Jane said as she pulled her blazer on.
''Ahhhhh,'' chorused her friends, ''you're no fun since you got married Rizzoli,'' slurred a very drunk Frost.
''You might wanna consider getting home too buddy. At this rate, you'll never be married''
''Ooooooooh,'' crooned Amanda, who was just slightly less drunk.
''It's ok, I got this,'' Frankie cast a glance towards the pair. ''I'll make sure they get home''
Jane just smiled and shook her head as she rushed out. Those four were quite the combination when mixed with alcohol on a Friday night. This particular night had been better because Frankie was the designated driver and had only had one beer, and Nina was back at the precinct working. That's not a fair assessment, Jane thought to herself. She too had been part of that 'those four' clan not too long ago, along with her fiancée Jason. After Maura left for France, Jane had turned to alcohol for comfort. Lucky for her, she had acquired an entourage. Her brother and partner were all too happy to indulge as well. They drank for fun, but Jane drank to forget about the pain of missing Maura. It wasn't long before Nina joined too. And that's how they had met Jason and Amanda.
Now though, Jane had put all that aside. With Maura's return, came Jane's sanity.
The detective twisted the wedding band on her finger as she drove home. She was later than she had intended to be, and knew Maura was probably beating herself about it – thinking Jane was doing whatever she could to be home as late as usual. Jane knew this was definitely the case, because Maura hadn't called or texted to ask where she was. Maura was by no means a clingy wife; it was just that their lives were in a tender state and needed to be handled delicately.
After a round of some general successful tests Maura and Jane decided to try IVI. With their chosen donor sperm, they did it alone at home and were successful on their first attempt. I can't screw this up again, Jane thought as she neared home. That thought alone threw her into a nervous tailspin. She could feel her heart rate speeding up and her palms getting sweaty. This is the sort of thing that I shouldn't be entertaining, she reminded herself.
19 weeks into their pregnancy Jane had had a miscarriage. This was a true testament to their marriage, as it had potential to ruin them. Jane was stressed and hurt and angry at the world. Maura was nearing depression, and was ultimately blaming herself for the whole situation. Jane hadn't wanted kids just yet, but Maura had made her want them. And because Maura couldn't conceive due to an accident in her early teens, the task was left to Jane, who had happily agreed to do it for them. Except, they hadn't quite anticipated the disaster that could ensue from that failure.
Amanda helped them piece together their life – bless her. She was a midwife who worked at the hospital where Jason was one of the security administrators. They had always denied it, but Jane had a felling that something had happened once between Amanda and Jason in the past, long before Jane came into the picture. It didn't matter anyway, because for whatever reason, the two appeared to have concretely decided it would never happen again. Friendship with Amanda had been out of the question immediately in Jane's books after they first met, but after a while she found out that she and Amanda had a lot in common and to her amazement they soon became friends. It also helped that Amanda got on with Frankie and Nina and had a 'thing' for Frost.
''Hey, sorry the guys kept me later than I wanted,'' Jane apologised as she stepped into their bedroom.
''They kept you? Hostage?'' Maura teased, smiling at her wife coyly.
''You are so not funny you know,'' Jane laughed as she disrobed, going to give Maura a kiss. ''Hey beautiful''
''I missed you,'' Maura confessed.
Those two…so in love. Even after two and a half years of marriage, they still appeared like newlyweds. Jane had broken things off with Jason as soon as she got out of hospital. He didn't take it well, for one prominent reason – Jane was leaving him for a woman. His ego had been completely burned to asses. His friends and co-workers had made fun of him, fueling his anger further. His love for Jane had quickly transformed into hate, leading to mild threats and harsh remarks. Jane wasn't scared of him; she was just bothered by how it was affecting Maura. In order to allow Maura to move back to Boston happily Jane had sought after the help of Amanda and they had sat down to have an actual grown up conversation. Jason wasn't pacified, but had gathered the rest of his dignity and moved on – leaving Amanda with some food for thought.
''I thought you were my friend, we have a history. But you have just thrown me to the curb and all of a sudden sided with Jane,'' Jason fumed after that little intervention.
''I haven't sided with her, but Jason, she loves Maura''
''Bullshit! All this time I met her and dated her and got engaged to her there was never a single mention of Maura. And now all of a sudden she's in love with her?''
''It's complicated. And she's already explained the situation to you. It's not like Jane's just met Maura. They knew each other for years, much longer than we have both known her,'' Amanda reasoned with him.
''You realise how humiliating this is right? I have to tell everyone I am no longer engaged because my fiancée is a lesbian, and is back together with her….you know what, forget it. But just so you know, I'm hurt and disappointed. I thought you would have my back, always, like you promised.'' And he did look genuinely injured.
''I have your back Jason, which is why we are having this conversation. I can't force Jane to be with you. What do you expect me to do?''
''Help me,'' Jason supplied, as if it was common sense.
''How?''
After a short pause, ''Maybe some day I'll figure out how to get back at her, how to even the ground. So she can feel how painful and embarrassing this is''
''Jason….'' Amanda warned. Knowing how creative Jason can be when it comes to plotting revenge. One time five years ago he had asked Amanda to steal 'zopiclone' sleeping pills that he had put in his co-workers coffee. The man had been knocked out after a short while, and failed to watch the surveillance footage which led to a child entering an intensive care unit – subsequently causing mild trauma : the poor man lost his job. Jason had shown no remorse because this man apparently 'stole' the promotion he wanted. ''The man lost his job,'' Amanda had said, feeling utterly guilty for her input. ''He flirted with the manager and she promoted him. That's not fair so he deserves it.'' That was Jason's final word on the matter then. So now Amanda feared he would do something on par with that, if not worse.
''Can I count on you to help me when I fight for justice and try to salvage my manhood?''
Amanda wanted to say no, she had to say no. But there was something about Jason…she easily found herself being his wing'woman' whenever he asked. Even if it was for atrocious acts like this, she still felt inclined to be at his aid. Perhaps it had something to do with the time he had assaulted a guys 'balls' who had been five seconds away from raping her.
But how long would she be in his debt? At some point she was going to have to draw the line. Clearly this instance wasn't that specified time.
…
''Are you still interested in going away this weekend?'' Maura broached as Jane settled for bed.
''Of course, why wouldn't I be?''
''I don't know. I was just…confirming,'' Maura hesitated.
''Maura, I'm ok. I can do this, I promise. You know I wouldn't lie to you right?''
''Yes. Thank you''
''No, thank you''
When Jane lost the baby, NO, when Jane 'and' Maura lost the baby, Jane thought she would die from grief. I say 'and' because it was both of them that lost the baby not just Jane – Jane, who at the time had not viewed it this way. What prevented Jane from being admitted into an asylum – if they still call them that – was, ironically, a heated one-way conversation between her and Maura after the miscarriage. (''I lost a child too Jane,'' Maura shouted. ''It isn't ok for you to bury yourself in the sheets and cry forever. I'm dying here too Jane,'' Maura had said that last part in a strained voice as her voice wouldn't let the noise out. ''I'm here for you, being your wife and doing everything in my power to make things better. But who's taking care of me Jane? You are my wife and I need you too,'' she had cried harder. ''We lost a child, so we should grieve together. If we are going to get lost in our sorrow then we should do it together. Don't leave me to suffer alone, please'') Jane wept. Never in her life had the detective cried so loudly and so bitterly before. Her pride completely vanished as she sunk to the floor and gagged from her desperate sobs. The doctors had to sedate her after being shown the tiny glossy body that would have been their daughter.
Sixteen months ago…
''I can't be in labour now Maura can i? It's only been 19 weeks,'' Jane practically expelled the sentence through shallow breaths as Maura sped to the hospital.
She didn't answer, pretending to be engrossed in getting them to their destination safely. Maura was a doctor and knew Jane was in labour. What she also knew was that the chances of that day ending badly were very high.
When they got to the hospital it was determined pretty quickly that Jane was in premature labour. They swiftly prepped her for the surgery, with Maura staying no more than a few inched away but saying little to nothing.
Their daughter's little heart was still breathing when she was delivered at 7:45pm that night. And at 7:57pm she had left the world. After only 12 minutes on earth – the cruelty of life! Maura had held her, almost weightless in her shaky hands. They hadn't named her, still deciding from the list that had been now cut down to seven names. Maura observed her closely, and decided that she most likely would have taken up the features and bone structure of their chosen donor. Her toes and hands had formed, all twenty of them. As well as her perfect lips and nose.
Jane glanced at her form ONCE, only once. She couldn't digest what she saw. Her little girl was laid on a white silk cloth with a yellow 'toy-like' looking peg on her navel. Her first thought was that she looked like an alien, and immediately after that she wanted to throw up and die. She loathed herself for thinking that. But she couldn't bring herself to look at the dead child again and form a different description. She writhed and howled and screamed to an unknown deity asking why she had been dealt this hand in life. After she was sedated Maura sat down and took her daughter into her hands. She was so tiny she fit perfectly into her hands. Her small body was beginning to lose its warmth as Maura placed her lips on her forehead to kiss her daughter goodbye.
...
No one though Jane would ever recover from her loss, even Maura had almost lost all her faith, until Angela learned of a 'Grieving and Relieving' retreat that the couple could go to.
It worked wonders in their lives.
And this is where Jane and Maura were going this weekend for the last time. Their 'necessary' visits had come to an end about four months ago. They had miraculously come to terms with their loss and were now moving on. This planned last visit was an added last because they had now decided and arranged to try again for another child. They were no longer going to grieve their daughter but were going to remember her. They had accepted and come to terms with their loss.
The sun was shining in a very peculiar way that afternoon – almost blinding in its brightness. Jane and Maura had arrived from their three hour journey that morning. The brunette was just making her way up to the thatched gazebo for some spiritual healing. She had parted from her wife as the blonde went for a joint counselling sessions with three other women who had lost their children too.
''I'm glad you are going to try for another child Jane,'' Mildred said. She was an elderly woman who conducted faith sessions with those who believed. Jane, it turned out, had become more spiritual in a way, seeking divine solace from the almighty.
''Thank you,'' Jane paused abruptly after those two words.
''Talk to me Jane. What is it?'' Mildred encouraged.
''I-'' Jane sighed, not sure how to articulate herself. She had the thoughts laid out clearly, but she couldn't find the word to attach to them. The very grey elderly woman waited patiently with the experience of someone who had been doing this for years. Eventually Jane continued. ''I want to do it right this time,'' she said firmly. ''I'm going to be on desk duty from the recommended time, and I'll even work short days. And as soon as I shouldn't be working I'll stop. I'm going to eat all the healthy food in the world and take all the medication I should,'' she was on a roll now. ''And we're going to have a name for the baby as soon as I am pregnant. And we are going to start setting up the nursery and everything''
''That sounds like a good plan Jane. Can I ask though, why you are very particular about all these things this time around? You don't still feel guilty do you?''
''No. I've worked on that. And I understand now that it wasn't my fault that we lost the baby. And I have accepted that she didn't die because I was still working or because I didn't eat right. Part of me obviously will forever wonder WHY it happened to us. But I guess I know now that its life and these things happen, to anyone. There isn't anything special about me and Maura that-''
''You are very special Jane. Both you and Maura. And so is everyone else at this resort and in the world for that matter. Nobody deserves such pain.''
Jane nodded in understanding, and then continued. It was a testament to how much she had healed; now she could go through this conversation without dissolving into tears. ''I can't help but feel like the baby left because she felt a little unwanted or unwelcomed''
''Jane-''
''I know Mildred, it sounds stupid. But you are the one that keeps telling us that our feelings are true to us. And even though some things we think and feel don't make much sense to other people, it matters that they make sense to us.''
''You are right, yes''
''We didn't have a name for her. We hadn't done her nursery or started her shopping. We weren't prepared. Maybe she sensed that, and decided to….go away and come back when we were prepared. Hell, I wasn't even enthusiastic about the idea of a baby to begin with. Maybe, just maybe she could feel and sense all this''
One of the things that made Mildred a successful spiritual coach and counselor was that she had respect for peoples feeling and thoughts. People grieving come up with some strange rationalisations and weird solutions. They think things out of the ordinary and make up realities for themselves. But this is how they cope, and shutting them down or telling them they aren't making sense doesn't help them. What actually helps is allowing them to grieve and deal with their situation in a way that is comfortable and true to them. So if Jane thought that her lack of preparation made her lose the baby, then fine. And if she believed that being better prepared this time around would yield positive results, so be it. At the end of the day, Mildred's job is primarily to instil positive attitudes in people, to help them heal at their pace and in their way, to listen, to support, and to encourage.
''Have you decide when you will start trying again?'' she inquired.
''Yes,'' Jane beamed immediately. ''I've done all my check-ups and we've picked a donor. We are going to do an intrauterine insemination at home. Hopefully this week actually,'' she adds excited.
''Oh wow. That's great Jane. I'm really glad you are trying again. And you have to trust that you will be successful this time around''
''I hope so,'' she says as she inhales and exhales theatrically.
''So….at home huh.'' Mildred knew just about everything there was to know about the first pregnancy so she wondered about the change.
''Yes. Amanda…a friend of ours, she is a midwife and has agreed to help us. She walked us through all this stuff I didn't even know about. And we realised it might be better for us. We're doing an IUI because it has a higher success rate at the first try. We'll do two insemination's to take full advantage since I'm over 35'' Mildred didn't know what IUI stood for exactly. And she certainly didn't need the particulars of everything. But this was the place for people like Jane to just….release. So while she didn't necessarily need to hear all the details, she was glad that Jane was enthusiastic and happy to share. ''I'm due to be ovulating mid of the week so we should do it then. And at home we'll be more relaxed and have the help of our friend''
''That sounds all so modern,'' Mildred joked. ''We had none of that in our days''
''Well welcome to the modern world granny,'' Jane joked back. It was nice, that Jane had found her way back to herself.
Monday morning:
Frost ran up the stairs to meet Jane and Korsak who were scanning the upstairs for any details that would help solve their current case. A man had been found dead that morning by his girlfriend when she returned from her jog. The body had already been taken away and the detectives were looking for any other clues that could point them in the right direction.
''Perfect timing,'' Jane clapped her hands just as Frost stepped into the main bedroom.
''I'm late, I know,'' he rolled his eyes at his partner. ''What we got?''
Not wanting to let them taunt each other any further, Korsak stepped in and got Frost up to speed quickly.
''I see we are still recovering from the weekend,'' Jane winked at Frost as they made their way back to the station.
''Don't even go there''
''Oh come on, do tell.'' When that was met with silence Jane got her answer. ''So you slept with her huh,'' she commented.
''It's not like that''
''Of course,'' Jane laughed at the cliché.
''I mean it, it was just a one-time thing….over a two day period,'' he added timidly.
''Well I'm glad you two have got it thoroughly out of the way. It was bound to happen sooner or later right''
''We aren't dating or anything''
Jane laughed out loud at this. ''Of course you aren't. You just wanted to sleep together. Hence why I said I'm glad you've got that out of the way''
''And why does that sound so wrong coming from you?'' he smiled, glad that Jane understood him completely.
''Cause it's the truth. And the truth has a way of sounding like that. Or maybe just because it's so blunt,'' she laughed. ''Maura is definitely rubbing off on me isn't she''
''Ewww,'' Frost scrunch up his face is mock distaste.
''Ewww you. Oh my God, what is wrong with you guys. Perv,'' she said punching his upper up. After a short while they pulled up at the station and Jane just had to ask. ''you ok though?''
Frost rubbed his face debating on whether to tell Jane the truth or not. It was a useless evaluation, Jane would know if he wasn't being honest. ''I don't know. It was just weird''
''Ok. Please don't start giving me the details of your sexual encounter with th-…..my friend,'' Jane quickly caught herself. What she was going to say was 'please don't give me the details of your sexual encounter with the woman who is going to help me have a baby in a few days times''
Frost saw this as his escape out of the conversation and quickly made a move to leave the car. Jane pulled on his arm very quickly though. Reflexes on point, she silently muttered to herself.
''Sorry, hey….talk to me,'' Jane then said seriously. Communicating to her partner and friend that she was earnestly listening.
''It's stupid, I was really drunk….like completely wasted and the first night was such a blur''
''Ok, I thought we were having a serious one to one here Frost? Now you are just going to moan about not remembering what it was like,'' Jane chuckled then quickly fled the car, shaking her head at Frost as she walked away.
The truth was that Frost had feelings for Amanda. And Jane knew it. What they also knew was that Amanda didn't feel that way about Frost. She liked him, yes. Liked him enough to sleep with him, yes. But not enough to have a fully committed relationship him. And so Jane was sure this is what was bothering her partner. Frost probably envisioned a romantic rendezvous filled with hours of love making and hopefully a repeat after that. What he got though, was two drunken nights of plain sex. Jane felt bad, and in other circumstances she should have comforted him more appropriately. It's just that the timing was wrong. Amanda was their long-time friend, a midwife, who was going to help her and Maura conceive a baby very soon. The last thing she needed was talking to Frost about his disappointing encounter with said woman. It would have to wait for later.
What Jane didn't know though, was that Frost was not quite going where she assumed he was. The young detective had a strange feeling that something was off. This wasn't the first weekend he had been 'piss drunk'. They did this all the time, so he knew himself. It was too odd to him that he had slept with Amanda, a woman he liked very much, and didn't remember any details of the encounter except waking up cuddled together naked in a heap of sheets. He could at least have remembered something, anything really. But he had searched his brain and came up blank. Friday night had been lost to him, forever.
Saturday night they had drank just as much. They went out partying with everyone else and returned home equally drunk. But when he had sex with Amanda that night again, he remembered it. Obviously not as clearly as he would have liked, but he remembered enough bits and pieces of it.
So why had he been unable to put together a few moments of Friday night? It was a mystery.
And with Jane not being available to talk, he laid it to rest. He certainly wasn't going to tell his other friends that he and Amanda slept together. That was to remain between them. Jane knew….because Jane knew. And Frost certainly wasn't going to bring up his blank memory with Amanda. So he could die of embarrassment? Never!
The ovulation test Jane and Maura took indicated that the best days to try and get pregnant were Wednesday and Thursday. Amanda was due to arrive in an hour for the insemination. Maura had just collected their donor sperm from the sperm bank they were using. In essence, everything was just as it should be.
Jane however, was feeling a little off kilter. Or maybe a lot off kilter.
The brunette laid on her bed freshly showered looking at the ceiling. Maura had instinctually known her wife needed a moment or two to herself before everything started happening, so she set about getting other things ready and leaving Jane to her thoughts for a short time.
The detective's thoughts drifted to the funeral. Exact details of that day were hazy in her memory. She just vaguely remembered parts of the ceremony. Some things that happened came to her long after the day itself, those thoughts presenting themselves at odd times that left Jane weak to the knees – and not in the pleasant way.
Jane could hear light cluttering from the kitchen where Maura was preparing what she assumed was a light supper for later as her thoughts drifted even further. She remembered the little white box that held the miniature body of their deceased daughter. That image is where her thoughts halted. Now was hardly the time to go down that path. So she shut her eyes tightly and sent a prayer to the most divine being begging once again for this attempt to be fully successful.
''Hey,'' Maura whispered coming back into their bedroom to join her wife. ''I love you,'' she kissed her as she snuggled up against the woman who meant the world to her and more.
Jane replied by kissing her temple. They lay together in bed like that quietly, each plagued by their own thoughts. Surprisingly, Maura's mind took off just where Jane's had halted – the funeral. They had decided they wanted to bury her. And it was 'her' because a name never was given. She looked like a doll in the horizontal position she was in in the small casket. They had put the tiniest of hats on her, together with a tiny white dress, and had her covered in a silk white blanket. It was such a contrast to her veiny red body that immediately caught everyone's eye.
The gathering was intimate, with only their family and friends. Maura recalled how Angela had delivered the most touching words, which had left every single person in tears. At the end her and Jane had looked in on her and said their final goodbyes. Frankie and Tommy lowered the box while Jane and Maura held onto each other and cried. It had been the most earth shattering scenes as everyone had recalled after.
''Do you believe in reincarnation?'' Jane saved Maura from her torturous thoughts.
''No,'' Maura replied truthfully as she sat up to look at her wife.
''I have a feeling our little girl is going to come back to us''
''Jane-''
''It's silly I know. But it's just what I feel''
Maura didn't know what to say about this, so she said nothing. ''I don't want to lose you Jane,'' Maura suddenly blurted, on the verge of tears.
''You won't sweetheart. I promise,'' Jane said steadily as she shifted to gather Maura in her arms. She knew what Maura meant.
''The last time I almost did Jane,'' Maura hiccuped. ''and I wouldn't be able to survive it if it happened again''
''It won't Maura. Trust me'' Jane waited a beat for her words to take root, as Maura dried her tears. After a minute they turned on their sides to face each other. ''I almost lost myself as well the last time. It just hadn't really occurred to me that something like that could happen. I know people have miscarriages, but I just figured if it happened it would be the…blood kind,'' Jane winced, taking in a deep breath as she tried to pick better words. ''I just mean, it never occurred to me that we could lose a baby that had developed to that stage. And looking at her, it almost killed me Maura,'' Jane chocked out, trying to keep her tears in check. ''I just wasn't prepared. But now I am.'' When Maura was about to object she quickly added, ''I don't mean that I am prepared for the worst, but I mean that I know what can happen now. There are probably even worse things than I have imagined. But…I'm stronger now. I know more, and I've learnt and grown more. And I understand that if there is a loss, it isn't mine alone. When we lost our little girl, it just wasn't my loss. You lost a child too, Ma and Constance lost a granddaughter, Frankie and Tommy lost a niece. I got lost in my own grief screaming to myself 'why did this happen to me?' While you guys comforted each other and learnt to deal with it in a healthier way I just suffocated on my own. You won't lose me Maura, I promise you that''
''Thank you,'' Maura said as she planted a kiss to Jane's lips, kissing her fiercely.
Before more could be said the doorbell rang. It was evening and the sun was setting. The atmosphere had magically turned perfect. After their talk, both Maura and Jane felt even more comfortable and happy and ready to do this. Amanda greeted Maura warmly as she entered. They weren't going to waste time with the trivial, but were instead going to get right to business. In any case, Amanda wanted to get the insemination done and leave the two alone. She had to be back the next morning for another insemination.
''I've left everything ready in the bathroom for you,'' Maura said as she led them upstairs to the master bedroom.
''Ok. Just get comfortable while I prepare.'' Amanda greeted Jane as she got into the bedroom and went straight into the ensuite to organise herself.
They had discussed this at length, how weird it might be for a friend to perform such an intimate procedure for them. But they had decided that they could do it. No one knew obviously, for that exact reason. But all three of them would be adults and be professional about it. Maura could easily have done it instead, but had opted not to. She wanted to be a partner and a 'hopefully' parent in the situation. She didn't want to be putting sperm in a tube to Jane's uterus and looking up at her wife's vagina from a medical perspective. Maura wanted to be holding Jane's hand and talking to her and encouraging her. On that night, she just wanted to be a wife who was trying to have a baby with her partner, period.
Meanwhile in the bathroom, Amanda had another agenda. The prospect or relocating to Thailand was too great to pass on. Jason had spoken with his brother who had a practice there and Amanda was going to join the team getting an impressive pay rise and several benefits. She wasn't sure why Jake, he was called, had agreed to something like that, but what mattered was that he had. Its human nature, she had told herself, for people to look out for themselves.
At the end of the day, what did it really matter? Jane and Maura wanted a child right, and they were going to get it. So what if it was had Frosts DNA. It's not like the younger detective was going to press for custody or something. She knew Frost, that wasn't the kind of man he was. And isn't having a baby from a donor you didn't pick better than having you child die like what had happened to the pair before. If anything, they should be grateful, Amanda rationalised idiotically to herself. She had of course, wanted to point all this out to Jason when the man had proposed this ludicrous plan, but then realised it wasn't such a bad situation after all. She gets a job abroad with more money and Jane and Maura get a baby.
It wasn't so bad now was it?
On Friday night she had not been as drunk as she made out to be. After collecting Frost's sperm and carefully storing it, she ensured he was fast asleep before stepping out onto the back porch to meet someone. Her friend took it to the lab for washing and preservation, while she got back to Frost. She cleared her thoughts and concentrated on her assignment. She was really doing this - this was it.
Switching the intended sperm with the one she had brought that she 'stole' from Frost, Amanda set to work.
Disclaimer: I alluded to the life of Walter Joshua Fretz from Pennsylvania (born at 19 weeks) and Faith and Hope (2014) from Australia (who died at 19 days).