Authors Note: I found this humorous anecdote on my hard drive. I wrote it a few years ago but still find it funny, so I thought I'd share.
The Smell of Fart
It was a beautiful morning. The dew glistened on the grass like tiny diamonds, clouds skimming lazily across a forget-me-not blue sky. The glorious sun shone warmly upon a group of five, traveling slowly as though in a drug-induced haze. Small colorful birds burst into song, as pastel pink cherry blossoms floated down on a warm zephyr.
Inuyasha lifted his nose to the wind. "I smell youkai," he growled, glancing back at Kagome, who perked up.
"Inuyasha! Inuyasha, I can sense a shikon shard, Inuyasha!" She shrieked in her high-pitched cheese grating voice.
"Let's go!" He motioned to her, and Kagome jumped onto InuYasha's' back, making sure to snake her arms under his and grab his taut, dark purple nipples.
"And why don't you leap so graciously onto me, lady Kagome?" asked Miroku, ever the gentleman.
"Inuyasha's not a disgusting pervert like you, Miroku!" came Sango's angry reply.
"Well, she is right," Kagome simpered, twisting her fingers and making Inuyasha squirm, "…Except for that one time."
By the time they got there, the youkai had torn down most of the surrounding trees, sending branches and squirrels flying through he air.
Inuyasha dumped Kagome off his back, as she knocked an arrow and crouched on one knee so he could see her panties. Like most of the items in her room, they were pink and ruffled.
"Inuyasha!!" Kagome shrieked.
Inuyasha froze and the rest of the group gasped in horror as he gazed down at a squirrel.
Gentle, sensitive violin music began to play softly in the background. The squirrel lay lifeless on the ground, the once sleek chestnut fur matted and dirty. A trickle of saliva oozed from its mouth, the one bloodied eyeball staring.
"Inuyasha…" Kagome came softly, looking upset and moving slowly toward him.
"This…this is where he said goodbye to life," Inuyasha said slowly, struggling with the deep, deep words. "He never got a chance…none of them did. It was taken away from them…"
He clenched his clawed hand and fought back the tears that threatened to overwhelm him. He squeezed his eyes shut as tiny drops of crystal salt water fell one by one, dampening the squirrels' fur. They looked like beautiful diamonds.
"YOU BASTARD!" Inuyasha screamed, as he drew his sword and attacked the mountain youkai.
"Inuyasha!!" Kagome shrieked for the second time.
The demon turned, revealing a three-foot penis. Inuyasha swung and missed it by inches.
"Inuyasha!!" Kagome shrieked for the third time.
Skidding to a stop back near the group, he used his sword to prop himself up.
"Inuyasha, are you alright?" Kagome asked, putting her hand on his shoulder, inching her way to his nipple.
"How could…how could anyone kill a squirrel like that?! What kind of sick freak are we dealing with?!" He breathed vehemently.
"Well, he's obviously not Jewish," Miroku said, pointing out the miles of foreskin. Inuyasha growled, and went for another attack. The demon roared in irritancy, and some kind of white, gooey paste shot from his schlong.
"Inuyasha!!" Kagome shrieked once again.
Inuyasha barely dodged, the remnants burning through his hamaka.
"That was Armani Exchange for $300, you prick!" Inuyasha yelled at the demon, examining the holes angrily.
"Inuyasha!!" Kagome shrieked redundantly.
"That's poison! Inuyasha, get away from there! It'll burn right through you!" Sango shouted to him, recognizing the stuff immediately. After all, a demon slayer had to have…experience.
"Inuyasha!!" Kagome shrieked once more.
"Stand back, everyone!" Miroku took a step forward, raising his hands to the sky, "I shall exterminate this demon once and for all! I'll use my air rip!!"
"I'm getting the hell outta here!" Inuyasha grabbed Kagome by the bra strap and lifted off into a nearby tree. Sango and Shippou mounted (heh heh…mounted) Kirara and flew next to them.
Miroku stood alone on the ground, facing the ugly mountain demon, with a determined stare in his piercing, sea-blue eyes. The demon took a single crashing step forward, causing more squirrels to fall from the trees to their deaths. Inuyasha started to sob quietly.
The wind whispered between the blades of grass, ruffling the hair of the two silent enemies. A cricket chirped, and someone coughed.
The monster roared and lifted its horned foot, as though to crush the pious monk.
"Inuyasha!!" Kagome screamed in terror.
"Wrong person," Sango reminded her.
"Oh! Right, sorry."
With a great flourish, Miroku turned around, whipped his robes up, and farted.
The gas exploded from his anus, catching the demon in the face. It screamed with agony, and immediately its head blew up and its body vaporized. Miroku whipped his robes back down, as the fart disseminated into the silent blue sky. They could hear the squeals as the rest of the forest creatures burst into flame.
"A fart curse?" Asked Shippou in amazement.
"Indeed," Miroku said, closing his eyes and fingering his rosaries, "damn Naraku and his sick ideas."
He was interrupted, however, by a hanyou howling with rage.
"You've killed all the rest of the squirrels!!"
-----
Later that night, after Miroku had threatened to literally 'blow Inuyasha away', they were preparing to make a fire to cook. Sango and Miroku had gone to look for sturdy logs, leaving Kagome and Inuyasha alone. The girl squatted down, revealing more of her frilly panties. She arranged the kindling, and pulled out a pack of matches.
"I wanna light the fire!" Inuyasha said.
"No."
"But I wanna!"
"Remember what happened last time?"
"No!"
"Well, I do. I'll light the fire."
Inuyasha turned away from her angrily, as she went to fetch Sango and Miroku.
Stupid Kagome doesn't know what she's doing. I'll show her, I'll light the fire! He thought evilly.
Taking her discarded matches, he ran one against a tree. It caught fire, and being the stupid dog demon he was, held it upside down until it burned his delicate fingers. He screeched and dropped it, blowing on his nails. The clump of grass it landed on burst into flame.
"Inuyasha!!" Kagome shrieked.
He turned around to see the rest of the group arrive with the firewood, raising their eyebrows.
"Your stupid matches lit themselves!" He pointed his finger accusingly at the box lying on the ground.
"Inuyasha, you idiot!" Kagome said, trying to stamp the fire out, "Help me!"
"I just got a pedicure, okay? Can't your ugly toes stop hating already?! Especially that one that's longer than your big toe! It's disgusting." He shivered.
"It's not longer, it just looks- kyaaa!" She screamed as her shoelaces caught fire. It had spread well over six feet by now.
"Someone do something! Put it out, putitoutputitout!!" Kagome shrieked, stamping around uselessly, which is what she did mostly anyway. Miroku stepped forward.
"Looks like once again, it's up to me," he sighed, faking exasperation. "Stand back again, my faithless friends! I'll effortlessly turn this fire to dust before your very eyes!"
"NO! Miroku, don't fart into the fire!!" Kagome yelled, scrambling away, her 21st century education finally being put to use.
"Sorry, Lady Kagome, I can't hear you!" He turned around, bent over, whipped up his robes and farted.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Kagome bellowed in slow motion, her face contorting and her voice deep as she extended her hand. But it was too late. The fart escaped his butt cheeks before he could stop it. The fire, now combined with the immense amounts of methane in Miroku's fart, exploded, sending the group flying.
At that moment, it started to rain, which put the fire out. When the smoke cleared away, the members of the Inu-co were seen lying on the ground, moaning in anguish. They each got up, bar Inuyasha and Miroku.
Kagome tended to Miroku's wounds, much to her dismay, as they were severe burns on his butt cheeks. He sniveled pathetically the entire time. Inuyasha refused to even let her see his injuries, but lay there in agony. Kagome had a sneaking suspicion that he got them while trying to put the fire out by taking a whiz on it.
"Let me see it, Inuyasha!" Kagome demanded, her hands on her hips.
"Go to hell!" He spat.
"Sit, boy!" She screeched. In his hole, Kagome grabbed on to his pants and tried to rip them off, something she had done many times before. To everyone's shock, a dead squirrel fell out. The group observed in silence as Inuyasha froze.
"What is this?!" Kagome shrieked, holding the stiff stinking squirrel by the tail with her thumb and index finger and pinching her nose. Inuyasha snatched the squirrel back and held it to his chest, making its glazed eyes bulge.
"His name is Deaddles!" He screeched defensively, before bursting into tears, "He h-helps me with c-certain things!"
"You get off on squirrels?" Sango exclaimed, " I find that sooooooooo sexy!"
"Sango!? What's this? You don't love me?!" Miroku blubbered, grasping his heart as she tackled Inuyasha and successfully yanked his pants down. She immediately began raping him with the stiff squirrel and masturbating at the same time.
Kagome looked helplessly at the two new lovers, trying and failing to get Inuyasha's attention by shrieking his name. She turned to Miroku.
"That must mean we need to get together! It happens all the time in manga!" She said, pulling up her skirt slowly to a crying monk staring into the sunset.
"…I will perform seppuku-! What did you say?" He whipped his head to the now skirtless girl with no waist. He jumped, humping wildly until the frilly pink panties were removed. After a great amount of banging and loud name-calling, he stood up.
He grabbed the matches that were still discarded, and lit one, turning around and lifting his robes.
"What are you doing?" Kagome cried, still half-naked, over the loud moaning coming from the squirrely rape, "I thought we were going to grow old together!"
"Screw you, you easy little whore. My Sango has left me forever! If I can't have her, no one can!" With that, he put the match to his ass, and farted. The explosion that ensued was mistaken for the atomic bomb in Hiroshima.
Needless to say, everyone died, including the squirrels in the surrounding area.