Several times I close my eyes and count to ten, thinking that when I open them, he will have materialized without a sound as he so often did. I have to remind myself that Gale's in 2 with a fancy job, probably kissing another pair of lips.
As I am sitting on that familiar rock, I am suddenly overwhelmed with a variety of feelings, ones that I don't like. I try my best to resist the urge to breakdown, but when it sinks in that I am by my lonesome, I don't hold back any longer. The tears suddenly are flowing from my eyes like a waterfall and this time I don't even attempt to wipe them or to calm myself down. I was always used to being the strong one – not only for my family but also in front of the cameras. Only a small amount of people have seen me this way before, in District 13 when I had my terrible meltdown. At least this time I know I have the privacy to do whatever I want and nobody will look down on me. The way I feel? I caused all of this, all of it. Everything is my fault. My mind yet again races, this time filling with not only thoughts of Gale, but Prim and Peeta. They don't deserve what happened to them. My own sister was the one person that I was always supposed to protect and I failed miserably. My mother had been fragile for years, and now I've only made her one hundred times worse. Although she isn't at the complete stage of melting down, she is burying herself in work. She is using it as a disguise from all of the heartbreak and pain. Even though my mother would never admit that it was my entire fault, I know that she thinks it somewhere inside of her. Lastly, there is Peeta. Peeta would never admit that I did anything wrong or that I was to blame, but I am. What the Capitol did to him was all because of me – to get to me and the rebels. He will never be the same.
I go to inhale but instead I cough on a bunch of my own spit and tears. I choke for a moment before I hit a stage of panic from the feeling of not being able to breathe. I am in such a panic that I am going to suffocate my own self. My mind once again races, in a different manner this time, as I repeat the words in my head to the hanging tree. By the time I get to the second verse I feel myself finally being able to gasp for air and calm down. After taking a feel deep breaths and squeezing my hands together to stop the shaking, I close my eyes. I used to be a much stronger person than this, one that wasn't afraid of much. Ever since the war between the Capitol and the rebels, I truly cracked. Between Prim dying, Snow dying, and killing Coin, I was basically bound to be a basket case. I did so well holding it in for so long, but I guess a person can only take so much before they finally lose it. In some ways, I cannot even blame my mother for shutting down the way that she did. I wanted to shut down, hide in a shell, and cut myself away from the rest of the world. Life is not fair, not at all. People are betrayed, hurt, lied to, and then they die. There aren't many pleasant things to look forward to unless you're one of the lucky ones.
After wallowing in my pity for quite some time, I shakily pull myself to my feet and dust myself off. I look around and feel the sudden urge to hunt. I turn to the side, expecting Gale to be there, but I only find a tree instead. The sudden ache in my heart is almost overwhelming as I realize how much I truly miss him and that we can never be the same. My sudden urge to hunt is completely ruined. All I want to do now is go home – to my real home. I'd give anything to be back in that place with my mother and my sister, even the cat. I would do anything for him to hiss at me and for me to yell back at him. Just to hear my sister tell me to be nice and that he is upset. I feel the familiar sensation of my eyes burning, ready for tears to pour out, except I stop myself this time. Stop it, Katniss. Stop. What are you doing to yourself? Are you really going to give up this easily? I wish that I could shake the thoughts away, but I cannot. They are true. Just because I have cracked does not mean that I cannot try my best to turn this all around. Even though I do not have Prim any longer, I know she would not be happy seeing me this way. She always was afraid for me and I knew that if she saw me now that she would be sick. I am not anything like the Katniss Everdeen that she knew.
I kick a small pile of rocks that are lying near leaves and start storming out of the woods towards the familiar fence. Parts of my life may be over forever, but other parts I can still change. Even if I will always wonder if Gale was responsible for my sister's death, I cannot blame him forever. He is one of the only few people that I have left on my side and I abandoned him, pushed him away. Maybe it will take me a while to trust him again and to get what we had back, but I am a fool for letting it all fall apart. Prim knew that Gale would never hurt her for anything, just as I knew it. All of this was a terrible accident. I need to get past the anger in my soul and fight for the things that I can have in my future. Prim would hate me for shoving Gale away, from shunning Peeta, and for leaving my mother on her own. I am doing nothing like I should be; instead I am turning into a weak, helpless, and defenseless person. I kick another rock as I pick up my pace and finally near the fence. I feel as if I gained some of the strength back that I so desperately needed – all from clearing my mind in the woods.
After climbing through the spot in the fence, I make my way back to my home in District 12. It will still never be "home" to me, I just consider it a place of living. As I walk inside, Greasy Sae is standing in the kitchen, cooking as usual. She stares at me as if I suddenly became deranged.
"Katniss….?"
"I am not hungry. I just came to pack a few things."
"Oh, really? Where exactly are you headed?"
I scowled, although I am not surprised with her questions. Ever since my return I think her purpose has been to keep me alive, eating, and to make sure that I do not go mad. So far, she has succeeded for the most part.
"District Two."
For once, I swear that I almost heard a squeal escape from somewhere inside of Greasy Sae. Again, I arched my eyebrow but her expression turned completely blank, as if she did not care at all. She always did have a soft spot for Gale, for the two of us. Peeta would never relate to her and she could never relate to him.
"You be careful, now."
Just as I went to head up the stairs, I swear I saw her grinning from ear to ear. Although I was somewhat pleased with my plan to go find Gale, I had a sick, anxious feeling that was overtaking me more than anything. This was not going to be easy. When I hurried into my bedroom, my expression changed completely as I saw Peeta pacing around. I nibbled on my bottom lip before briefly making eye contact with him.
"Hi."
"You were gone a while, is everything okay?"
"Everything's fine, I'm…."
"Am I interrupting something?" Peeta looked at me curiously, but I honestly knew that he wasn't trying to pry or upset me. He had been one of the nicest people to me during the difficult times. I shunned him more than a few times, but he always came back.
"I am actually about to pack and go on a little trip."
"Should I go get my things?"
I felt a burning, uncomfortable feeling in my stomach as I knew that I was going to have to tell him no. If I was going to talk to Gale, it had to be just us – no Peeta, nobody else. Even if Gale had a girlfriend, something that I dreaded to think about, I'd make her go away.
"This is something I have to do alone."
"You're going to District Two."
"I am."