Newly married Ginny Malfoy has decided that her "brother from another mother" has been lonely long enough. With the help of Narcissa Malfoy (who quickly commandeers the effort), Molly Weasley, and Hermione Granger, prospective brides are interviewed, and a list of seemingly suitable witches is compiled. They are to meet Harry and his extended family, where Harry will meet the candidates and choose his bride. Rita Skeeter eavesdrops on their plans and they become headline news. Severus Snape "reads all about it" and decides to add his name to the list. Severus Snape makes quite an entrance, Snarry ensues. And there is a crazy pub crawl with magical Cher impersonators.
Notes:
The characters belong to JKR, Bloomsbury Books, and Warner Brothers. The prompt belongs to the prompter (bravo), the direction I took said prompt is all my doing. No performance enhancers (or inhibitors) were used while composing this piece of fluffy crack, unless you count caffeine - I've had plenty of that. I think it shows.
Prompt 49 from Suitesamba: Newly-married Ginny Weasley has decided that Harry, too, needs a spouse. She begins interviewing candidates, and Severus decides to give it a go and schedule an interview. The problem is, Ginny doesn't know Harry is gay and is interviewing only women.
(See the end of the work for more notes.)
Severus Snape sauntered saucily into a lavishly appointed private dining room at the Three Broomsticks, pausing at the entrance for maximum effect. There was a collective gasp, then the room went silent. The normally dour, reserved Hogwarts Headmaster was drop-dead gorgeous, resplendent in six inch high, black sequined stilettos, thigh high white lace stockings held up by an emerald green garter belt, a crimson red, skin tight latex sheath dress showcasing his lithe, sinewy body, and a black leather biker jacket that pulled the whole ensemble together. Glossy black hair that cascaded down his back, ending just past his ass, was the cherry on the top of this seductive sundae. His lips and nails were painted the same brilliant shade as the sheath, completing his "Cher" transformation while still radiating vibrant masculinity.
He snapped his fingers, and a Sonny and Cher classic song enveloped the room, ensnaring the senses of one very thoroughly enthralled Harry Potter:
"The beat goes on, the beat goes on Drums keep pounding a rhythm to the brain La de da de de, la de da de da…"*
His sexily meandering walk ended six inches away from Harry's thunderstruck face, and mere millimeters away from his fully aroused teeny weenie Nagini, which was barely concealed by his form-fitting dress robes. How exactly did things get to this point? To answer that, we must go back a few days, to the airy veranda of Malfoy Manor, where a delightful Sunday brunch is already in progress.
"Ginny, I swear to you, I am perfectly content being single. I'm thrilled that you and the ferret are happily married-"
"Draco, his name is Draco, Harry James Potter, and I would think, after Narcissa saved you from the grasp of a madman, that you could, I don't know, LOSE that sodding nickname and act like the adult you are!"
"Just what have you done to unleash the wrath of Ginny Malfoy, Scarface?" Draco Malfoy playfully sneered as he entered the veranda, planting a kiss atop Ginny's head before seating himself next to his wife of three weeks.
"Your bride has decided that I am in need of a spouse of my own."
"I agree with her, Potter. Mother believes marriage would, oh, what's the Muggle expression-"
"Complete him as person, nay, wizard, and I do believe that, wholeheartedly. You are lonely, Mister Potter, and Ginevra, Miss Granger, Mrs. Weasley and I have decided to help you find a wife," Narcissa stated as she effortlessly floated into the room on a wave of ethereal loveliness, bearing a pitcher of Mimosas. Peacetime, and being permanently shot of Lucius Malcontent, had fostered a tremendous swell of generosity and love of humanity in Narcissa that was wondrous to behold.
"I'm not lonely," the young mediwizard protested, "although I really do appreciate all that you do to try and include me in your lives-"
"None of that, Harry, you are Lord Black, Sirius blood-adopted you. We are family, and as your family, we wish what's best for you. I, along with Ginevra, Molly, and Hermione, have interviewed several suitable young women for you to meet. We hope that you will find your future partner from among these carefully selected witches," Narcissa stated as she patted his clasped hands reassuringly.
"I really have a bad feeling about this," Harry murmured. "But I suppose I can't stop you, so all I ask of you is this - please do this as discretely as possible, I really do value my privacy-"
Before anyone could reply to his plea, a majestic eagle owl deposited the Daily Prophet into Narcissa's outstretched hand. The morning's headline was an audibly screeched "Boy Who Lived Looking for a Wife!". Lincoln, the Malfoy eagle owl, hightailed it out of there, not stopping for a nibble, revolted by the caterwauling paper. Harry jumped from his chair, attempting a similar escape, but Draco's surprisingly strong grasp on his forearm halted his forward progress.
Narcissa Malfoy performed an Animagus revealing charm, causing Rita Skeeter to topple from atop a ficus onto the highly polished marble tiled floor. "You shall hear from my solicitor, you blood sucking insect!" Narcissa growled.
"Do you have a quote for the witches who yearn to be your wife, Harry Potter?" Skeeter inquired in her nasally buzzing voice, as Ginny wordlessly ejected the skeevy reporter from the property.
"Buzz off, Skeeter," he snarled, as Skeeter sailed over a flock of very confused white peacocks, causing them to scatter, cawing loudly as they dispersed. All of those present couldn't help but chuckle at the witch's comeuppance. Ginny justice - it was perfect. "And that's why I married you, my brilliant fireball," chuckled Draco as he kissed his bride.
"Can we please get back to the topic at hand," Narcissa continued, stifling a chuckle. "Harry, the arrangements have already been made, it has all been very hush-hush, and a list of eligible, trustworthy witches has been selected. You will be meeting them at a private, catered banquet that will also include your entire family, both Malfoy/Black as well as Weasley, and from Hogwarts, Minerva McGonagall and Severus Snape. Both Minerva and Severus are excellent judges of character and they both care greatly about you and your happiness."
"Owl me the date and the time, and I will be there. Just don't be disappointed if I don't find anyone," Harry stated as he wrestled from Draco's hold and strode to the exit.
"We only want to see you as happy with your future wife, as I am with Draco, Harry," Ginny chirped, before she turned to her husband and kissed him enthusiastically.
"My eyes," Harry shrieked playfully, before he finally made his exit.
"Hmm," Narcissa hummed, as she observed Harry's exit. She had some thoughts to ponder regarding the young mediwizard.
Later that day, Lincoln alighted on Narcissa's shoulder, carrying a scroll bearing a Hogwarts wax seal. She traded a freshly stunned mouse that she handily levitated from the vegetable garden, for the scroll. Settling at her desk, she broke the seal and read the missive:
Greetings, Lady Malfoy.
I could not help but hear of Harry Potter's latest scrape with that foul Animagus, Miss Skeeter. Two hundred and forty copies of the Daily Prophet, all screeching in unison during breakfast in the Great Hall, is a nightmare I hope that I never have to relive.
About our beleaguered Mister Potter. I must confess, I have grown quite fond of him, and I believe he has developed a similar fondness for me. He is, however, rather clueless, as he is still convinced I carry a torch for his mother. You know personally that I harbor no attraction towards witches; he does not. There is no easy way to "out" myself to him, I know, I have tried. He really is oblivious.
Draco has notified me that there will be a banquet for Harry, his family, close friends, and a number of eligible female suitors. I must inform you, Narcissa, that Mister Potter mostly prefers his own gender. He confessed this when I interviewed him for the soon to be vacated mediwitch/wizard position. He feared that his preference would make him ineligible for the job. I did manage to allay his fears, and I offered him the post.
I am most interested in courting Harry, although I would have hired him had his feelings towards me been purely platonic. I realize that I must adhere to the rules of the banquet, which require dresses for all suitors. Therefore, I will attend, dressed the part of a female suitor, but only after safely delivering him to the Three Broomsticks in my ceremonial Headmaster robes. I trust it will be a most memorable evening!
Please tell me this meets with your approval.
Sincerely,
Severus Snape The pieces clicked into place for the statuesque Malfoy matriarch. Harry was gay, or at the very least, bisexual. Draco, Neville Longbottom and Ron had tried to tell her this during Draco and Ginny's rehearsal dinner, but Ginny, Molly, and Fleur had vehemently disagreed, stating Harry had just not met the right witch.
Narcissa immediately penned a reply to her closest male friend, giving her approval for any plan that would bring intimate companionship to the young man who had literally become her younger son. She had to admit, she was quite looking forward to seeing her old friend dressed in a frock. Even more so, she yearned to see Harry's expression as Severus dramatically outed himself to win the hand of "Lord Oblivious," Draco's rather spot-on other nickname for his erstwhile rival, Harry.
The "Find Harry Potter a Wife" Banquet was already underway when Severus Snape and Minerva McGonagall escorted Harry into the Three Broomsticks and straight to the opulently appointed private dining room. The "carefully selected witches" were seated at a circular table, strategically situated so that Harry had no means of escape. Severus escorted Harry to his seat before disappearing into the crowd in a swirl of billowing robes.
Panic permeated into every pore of Harry's body, until he took a good look at the witches assembled around him. Hermione Granger, Luna Lovegood, Susan Bones, Hannah Abbot, Cho Chang, Gabrielle Delacour, Katie Bell, Angelina Johnson, Pansy Parkinson and Millicent Bulstrode each gave Harry an impish smile. Harry was going to kiss Draco bloody Malfoy, Ron Weasley and Hermione full on the lips, for saving his arse from what could have been a potential bridal smack down.
After some rather jovial conversation, Hermione took out her protean-charmed Galleon and summoned the partners of every witch seated at the table.
Luna and Hermione paired off, immediately. The two came together over a shared love of Arithmancy and, working together, they had crafted a spell that revealed the creatures Luna (and Xenophilius) Lovegood could see unaided. Luna had been seeing actual creatures only visible on a magical plane of existence. This impressed Hermione greatly; romance quickly followed.
Oliver Wood and Katie Bell were the next couple to pair off. They both hugged Harry and, along with Hermione and Luna, went over to an empty table next to the Weasley clan.
Cho Chang was joined by Charlie Weasley, a Seekers' love match that began at the Dragon Sanctuary, when Cho interned there after finishing Hogwarts. They joined the couples at the once empty table.
Susan Bones and Hannah Abbot were the next couple to join what was becoming the coolest table at the party. These two had been secretly dating since third year; it was refreshing to be out in the open.
Gabrielle Delacour paired off with Dennis Creevey. The two bonded over a mutual admiration for their "big brother," Harry. The table was rapidly filling.
Angelina was joined by George Weasley. With a flourish and a puff of vividly orange smoke, George escorted Angelina to the "cool kids" table.
Pansy Parkinson and Millicent Bulstrode arose, jinxed Harry's hair Slytherin green and silver, winked at him impishly, and strode off arm in arm to join the others, each carrying a bottle of Ogden's finest.
Harry was left alone at that huge round table, wondering how Draco managed to hoodwink Ginny, Narcissa and Molly. He understood that Hermione was the mole here, reporting to Draco and Ron. Harry's musings were interrupted by the sudden loss of the house lights, followed by a collective gasp, then total silence. All eyes were on the entranceway; his eyes followed. Harry's jaw dropped.
Illuminated by dozens of floating candles, Severus Snape was dramatically posed under the entranceway arch, dressed as what could only be described as sex on heels. Harry didn't know where to look, every element of Snape's outfit was more provocative than the last. He settled on the crimson latex sheath dress. That was, in hindsight, a stupid move. When the music started, Snape's undulating gait accented every muscle ensheathed by his latex frock, as well as his rather well-appointed trouser snake. By the time he was in Harry's personal space, Harry was certain he would embarrass himself by spurting in his pants.
Taking in Harry's panting, dilated pupils, and tented fitted dress robes, Snape scooped him up, bridal style, and Apparated him to a chateau in the south of France.
Much to Harry's surprise, his entire family and friends awaited them under a tent on the grounds. Minerva McGonagall waved her wand, transforming the space into a makeshift wedding chapel.
Snape, now resplendent in a midnight blue crushed velvet robe, faced his soulmate, Harry, and declared his undying devotion.
"Harry, I had intended to court you properly, but I can't live another day without you by my side. Please bond with me."
"I thought you loved my mum-" Harry stuttered.
"I loved her, just as you loved every witch seated at that table. Do you understand?"
"I do-"
Minerva didn't need to utter a single syllable.
Fawkes descended in a fireball, trilling joyously, as cherubs fluttered from out of the trees, shooting tiny arrows haphazardly into the crowd. Two unicorn stallions galloped by, and by golly, they were farting rainbows right out of their arses. A noose of nifflers then began throwing galleons at the assembled guests.
"Who let the Nargles out amongst the Kneazles?" shouted Hermione, as Luna corralled said Nargles and convinced them to agitate the vineyard gnomes instead.
Minerva shouted about the din. "Before we have a galloping herd of hippogriffs on our hands, Harry, will you bond with Severus-"
"No need for vows, Professor, yes to bonding, yes to happily ever after, and most importantly, a big friggin' yes to that dress!" Harry shouted, gleefully.
A wave of his wand, and a stabilizing charm on the stilettos, were all that Snape needed to return to the sinewy Cher persona that swept Harry off his feet. Playfully tossing Harry over his shoulder, Severus purposefully strode to the chateau, joining Harry in a raucous chorus of "The Beat Goes On."
Not to be outdone, Narcissa cast a Sonorus over the crowd. "If you all will kindly follow me back to The Three Broomsticks, you will find a gift bag with the very same self-sizing ensemble at each of your seats," she stated. They all reconvened at the first venue, excited to find the promised ensembles waiting for them.
Neville Longbottom couldn't help peeking into the bag. "You're gonna look edible in this get up," Ron purred as he nibbled at Neville's earlobe.
"Get a room, you two," George yelled, before Molly Gibbs-slapped him. "I already have," Ron snickered, as he led a furiously blushing Neville up to their room.
"So, Cissy, will you model that little number for me tonight?" Xenophilius Lovegood murmured to his lady love.
"WHAT?!" Draco shouted.
"Calm down, my future brother, your mother clearly has a penchant for visionary wizards," Luna stated dreamily.
"Or maybe she just has a thing for white hair," George sneered, before Draco gave him a stinging hex to his arse, for his cheek.
"Ginny dear, next time you want to play matchmaker, please leave me out of it," Draco grumbled.
"So you don't want to see me all dolled up in latex and leather?" Ginny whispered seductively.
"You can play matchmaker any time you like, as long as you're wearing that number while you do it!" Draco moaned.
Later that evening, a record number of magical Cher impersonators were seen throughout Wizarding Britain. The following morning The Daily Prophet featured another Rita Skeeter "Exclusive": Hogwarts Headmaster Cavorts Around the Country Dressed as a Knockturn Alley Strumpet, Death Eater Aims to Corrupt Our Youth."
Minerva McGonagall, acting Headmistress for Snape during his impromptu honeymoon, set the Hogwarts solicitors upon the odious Ms. Skeeter, for her libelous article. She, Kingsley Shacklebolt, Narcissa Malfoy and Xenophilus Lovegood had an uproariously good time the previous evening, pub crawling throughout Magical London, all decked out in their Cher regalia!
In a charming chateau in the south of France, Harry was awakened from a deep, blissful sleep by the loud cackling of his husband. He found Severus sitting in the kitchen, wiping tears from his eyes. He handed a parchment to Harry, who immediately recognized the Hogwarts coat of arms. It read:
Dear Severus and Harry,
I trust you have been too preoccupied to read this morning's Prophet.
Rita Skeeter mistook the multiple participants of last night's Cher-themed pub crawl for you, Severus. She proclaimed you were out to corrupt the Hogwarts student body. The participants of said crawl, as well as the newly minted Mrs. Malfoy, exacted sweet revenge upon her, with the blessing of the MLE.
Ms. Skeeter's Animagus form is now a banana slug. Any attempt to spy on the unsuspecting will result in her meeting the business end of a ginormous salt shaker - you can thank Ginevra Malfoy for the salt shaker. She really is quite the spitfire!
Enjoy the rest of your holiday, boys, and thank you, Severus, for the most entertaining night of my life.
Oh, and Harry, I would greatly appreciate if you and Severus would make me a grandmother. Please do so quickly, I'm not getting any younger!
Wishing a most productive honeymoon -
Minerva Harry dropped the scroll as if it were in flames. He had totally forgotten that wizards could bear children. There had not been a single contraceptive charm during any of the six bouts of crazed monkey sex (oops, author's bad, tender yet passionate love connections).
"Severus, how likely is it that I conceived last night?"
"You're the mediwizard, a simple spell will give you an answer."
"My hands are shaking, you do the spell, Sev."
A swish of the wand and a violet beam confirmed that in nine months, Minerva would get her wish.
"I'm pregnant. I can't believe it!"
"Of course you're pregnant, my Harry! I'm just that good!"
After kissing Harry within an inch of his life, Severus rushed off to floo the Malfoys, Harry hot on his heels.
"Did you plan this, Severus?"
"Plan it, no. Hope for it, yes. And Ginevra will be thrilled - she is very newly pregnant as well!"
"Isn't it enough that I got married because Ginny wanted a 'marriage buddy'? Now we'll be pregnancy pals, too?"
"You're pregnant! Harry, that's great!" Ginny squealed.
"Severus, you sly fox, you got a hole in one with your first shot!" Draco chuckled.
Harry abruptly closed the floo. "How am I to work full time in the infirmary and raise a child, Sev? I can't do both!"
"Calm down, my little lion. Narcissa is a fully trained mediwitch, she will be job sharing with you. I suspect there will be a sibling for Luna before long."
"That must have been some pub crawl," Harry mumbled.
"How about we crawl back to bed and have some more crazed monkey sex?" Severus purred.
"Why the heck not, it's not like I can get any more pregnant!" Harry chuckled before taking Sev's hand.
"Don't count on it, Harry, I've half a mind to repopulate the Potter and Prince houses, and every coupling counts!"
Nine months later, Labor and Delivery Ward, St. Mungo's.
"Come on, my Harry, one more push and it will all be over."
"Shut your smug arse mouth, you promised me that two babies ago, Severus 'total liar' Snape!"
"Language, Harry, you didn't hear Ginevra or Narcissa resorting to vulgar profanity-"
"They've had one baby apiece, I'm having a flipping litter! I'm tired, I'm sore, and I want to tie your willie in a knot so this never happens again!" Harry screamed.
With one last push, Lily Luna Potter-Snape joined her brothers, James Sirius and Albus Severus, and her cousins, Molly Minerva Malfoy and Theodora Narcissa Lovegood.
All was well.