Title: Lessons of the Heart
Pairings: Kagome x Sesshy
Summary: One too many times she's watched someone else do the saving. One too many times she wasn't quick enough to escape unscathed. One too many times she watched the ones she cared about most get hurt. Can the lessons of a certain, cold youkai teach her more than just the sword? ((Post Naraku: side pairings- SanMir & KouAya))
1: Damsel-in-distress
Kagome muffled yet another curse as she tripped over the largest tree root yet and landed on the ground. 'I guess I'm just not cut out for this type of thing,' she finally decided. The next second she gave a grunt that sounded suspiciously like a growl and shook her head. 'I'll make it my thing. No more of this damsel-in-distress nonsense.'
With a quick smile, she picked herself up and brushed the dirt on her clothes off. Surveying the path ahead of her, she resumed her trek with a renewal of determination.
Kagome Higurashi was, well, Kagome.
She was the one that stood on the sidelines as her friends rushed headlong into danger, giving their all to protect her. She was the one who watched helplessly as they received injury after injury, knowing she was the one who would be trying to put them back together after it all was over.
She was the one who usually found herself caught helplessly in the traps of youkai coveting the Shikon jewel. And how she hated being helpless, in any sense of the word. Kagome had already lost count of the times she'd been kidnapped, carried away, and used as bait as an attempt to bring an end to her friends. Not like they wouldn't come anyway.
Kagome had never really told any of them the extent of her feelings; she knew they wouldn't really understand how she hated them fighting for her. But she didn't like being called weak, or pathetic, or even blamed because she was human. 'I'm only human, and what's wrong with that? I am what I am and nothing can change that.'
Throughout all her travels with Shippo, Sango, Miroku, and Inuyasha, she'd come to realize just how vastly different she was from them. Not just in terms of time, but in mindset as well. While Sango, or even Miroku, wouldn't hesitate to kill, be it youkai or human if it meant protecting her or each other, Kagome just couldn't even imagine herself doing that. Not even the smallest bit.
'And that's the problem,' she thought despairingly. 'We still have so much of the Shikon Jewel to collect, and with every shard, our risks are growing. What happens the next time we get into a fight over the jewel? I barely escaped unscathed this time, and only by Inuyasha's quick thinking.'
Kagome gave a grimace and saw and side-stepped the next protruding root. 'Inuyasha...The way he looked at me. I could see it in his eyes, him thinking 'she's such a nuisance, a worthless human'. And how can I deny it? I am a worthless human, but I shouldn't be a nuisance!'
She cut off that line of thought then and there, knowing that that well-tread path would just lead her into the depression she'd only recently escaped. But now before thinking, 'He'll never see me like I see him. I'm always going to be Kagome, the girl-child from the future, to him.'
No, it wouldn't do to stew over that now, not when she needed her wits about her. She'd need them where she was going.
The group's most recent tussle with two moth youkai for a shard of the jewel had been the final tip of the scale for Kagome. She had watched again as Sango cut through their curtains of poisonous pollen relentlessly, as Miroku did his best to suck up the pollen drifting her way as well as take out the corrupted priests under their direction when he could. She'd felt her heart beat in her throat as Inuyasha used all of his wits, both human and inu, to bring the youkai to their knees.
And she still watched as gradually, the rush of adrenaline they'd started out with ran out and strength gradually failed. In rising panic, she'd watching Sango's aim steadily become worse and her Hiraikotsu traveled less far, Miroku slowing under the poison he'd absorbed as well as the continued onslaught of the priests, and Kirara losing her speed and agility.
And when it came Inuyasha's turn to surrender to his weaker, human side, Kagome had thought the worst had come. She had truly thought it was the end, and with that thought, she had been reminded of all she had yet to do. Words could not have described the heart-ache she had felt seeing Inuyasha so hurt, on his last leg and continuing through sheer will power. And then there was the guilt.
The guilt of not being able to do anything to save the ones she cared about, the guilt of having to watch as pain was inflicted on those she'd come to know and love. But the worst guilt she experienced then was the knowledge-- cold, hard, but inevitably true-- that she hadn't learned anything of importance in all of her stay in the Feudal Era.
'Not a thing,' she thought again now. 'I distracted myself with foolish hopes and small lessons learned and people met, but I never looked at the big picture. Why was I ever given the chance to go back in time? To impose the soft, easy ways of the modern world on them? No. It was so I could learn something from them, from Inuyasha and Sango and Miroku-- Even Shippo! So I could take what I'd learned and apply it to my life.'
Kagome didn't think for a time, letting her body's instincts navigate her through the forest and content to let her memories of this time blossom in her mind and take her away.
'But I didn't learn. And in not learning, the well was obliged to bring me back time and time again so maybe I could. Whatever the connection I may have had with Inuyasha or the rest of them, it was not what allowed my return, not even if I wish it was.'
When the group's battle had finally been won and Kagome had tended to everyone's wounds, she stood next to the remains of the once-great moth youkai in silence, leaving Inuyasha, Sango, and Miroku near the fire. If any of them noticed her absence, they didn't say anything, and she preferred it that way for rarely did their protectiveness of her recede.
'I think I've always known how they felt towards me,' Kagome thought in hindsight. 'I just didn't want to see it. Sango and Miroku see me the same as Inuyasha does. But am I forever going to be just a girl in their eyes? I want to be so much more.'
After a time, when the battle's consequences had healed and come to pass, Kagome had worked up her courage and asked Inuyasha if he would train her, to make her a better fighter, a real one. The silence that had followed had been so heavy, that by the time he answered she had been almost in tears from expecting the worst.
"Kagome," He had said, and in just that one word, she had known what he was going to say. "I...can't."
For a long time, he didn't say anything else, and she had already turned away to leave when he spoke again, this time in a harsh whisper that was at the same time gentle. "You are so pure, so true, and I don't have the right to ruin that. You are what I never was, and I can't, I just can't take that away from you."
She had walked away in silence, and they never spoke of her question again, acting as if it hadn't happened. But Kagome still kept a little hope when she asked Sango, and then Miroku. But each time, a little more of it was washed away until she had none left.
She hid it from them as best she could, putting on her usual optimistic personality in place as one would a mask. But each night, in the dead of the night when her restless mind refused to shut off, she would wonder why she was still here when she wasn't needed. And on some nights, she would feel pain from the empty place in her heart where hope should be, and cry silent tears.
'That was my lowest point,' she observed as one might examine a painting from childhood. 'It was on one of those nights that I remembered Inuyasha had a brother.'
But finally fed up with dwelling on the past, Kagome gave herself a quick shake and stopped to take notice of her surroundings.
"Now which direction is it...?" She mused out loud, glancing all around her at the thick greenery. She noticed with pleasant surprise that all the green around her was having a calming effect, leaving her with a feeling she could only describe as 'deep green'.
"Well, guess I'll just have to use my superior human mind, now won't I?" She laughed, feeling surprisingly...green. 'Weird forest,' she thought absently and spun around with her finger pointed out.
When she stopped, she set of in the direction of her arm and began to sing a catchy melody her mother used to, injecting her own silly lyrics when she couldn't remember the proper ones.
But unbeknownst to her, a devious youkai heard her song and drew closer, some deeper sense whispering of unexpected treasures waiting. The youkai licked his lips and flittered through the undergrowth, the only noise of his passing the soft crinkle of old leaves.
Kagome continued on, impervious to the subtle warnings the jewel and forest around her sent her way- for once enjoying her youthful exuberance to its fullest. After a song or two, a thought had come to her that she was all alone...Therefore, she should take advantage of that and that was when she really let loose, her voice carrying through the trees and away.
A more cautious person, one more aware of how loud sound tended to attract the curious, might have kept quieter but Kagome was not that person. Who was she to know? She, who had been under Inuyasha's wing since the day she'd first came to be in the Feudal Era, was clueless.
And so it was with considerable shock that she met the fox youkai who darted out of the bush and planted itself in front of her, his lips pulled back in a grotesque snarl and black eyes gleaming red. Kagome couldn't help the scream that escaped her, going against even all that she'd picked up from Inuyasha on what to do when confronted by a youkai, especially one so large.
The fox youkai took a step forward as she took one back and licked his lips. "Give me...the jewel," he croaked, his voice raking over her ears. She reached one hand slowly behind her for her bow, her eyes darted between the youkai's teeth and raised fur...Why was it taking so long for her to get her bow?
'Where is that thing?' Kagome demanded, her panic almost blinding her now. And hysteria was fast on its heels; her other hand came back to join the other in search of her weapon, scrambling behind her until she couldn't deny the truth anymore.
'Oh no...' Kagome's eyes kept widening until they hurt but she couldn't seem to do anything about it. 'I must have dropped it the last time I tripped! What do I do now?'
She took another couple of steps back, her arms giving up their search and coming in front of her again as a useless shield. 'I don't know what to do! Inuyasha, what do I do? Sango, Miroku! Help...'
"Give me...the jewel," The fox youkai heaved again, and she watched as his gargantuan front feet slowly moved forward in heavy stomps, each one bringing him closer to her. "...now."
"No," She all but whispered, though the youkai showed no signs of hearing her. "It's mine to protect."
He stomped one large foot- with claws, she noted absently- again, and let out a low growl that vibrated in her chest. What was that weird, sobbing noise? she wondered, her mind grasping at a distraction for the panic. 'Me?' She realized belatedly.
Kagome took but two more steps back before her back hit the tree trunk, her hand scraping against the rough and unforgiving bark. "No," she said again, her voice rising in pitch and volume. "No!" She moaned.
"I want the JEWEL!" The fox youkai roared, his scream almost drowning out Kagome's high-pitched one. And then he gathered himself in one swift take and jumped the remaining feet between them, landing with his arms on either side of her and his face scant inches from her own.
Kagome whimpered and clenched her eyes shut. She could feel his hot breath on her skin, the touch almost scalding. Sirens went off in her head but she all she could do was feel tears in her eyes and on her cheeks.
'This is the end,' she thought and braced herself.
Then...
The sound of air being displaced. Something brushed her face.
It got unbearably hotter.
But...A demonic yell, sounding strangely familiar, got louder and louder...
Kagome opened her eyes just in time to see the fox youkai's head connect smoothly with a fur-clad foot and crunch sickeningly. She screamed again and abruptly ended with a sob.
"What..?" She whispered and looked about frantically for her unexpected savior. "Who...?"
"Kagome?" A deep, masculine voice sounded behind her, surprise evident in his voice. "What are you doing here?"
She turned around on shaky legs to see none other than Kouga himself, staring at her, dumbfounded.
"Where's the mutt?" He questioned. Then his expression turned to one of reproach. "Don't you know it's not safe to be wandering alone in these woods? They're infested with Naraku's old youkai underlings; it's a wonder you haven't been accosted before this."
She just stood there, mute. Her mind refused to believe the danger was over and she was safe; her knees where threatening to give out on her any second, and her eyes burned with all the spent tears but she couldn't do anything except stand there and stare at Kouga like he was her life raft.
And maybe he was. 'I was...almost killed. If it weren't for him-' Kagome said to herself, trying to bring everything into perspective.
"Kagome? Hey, Kagome...Are you listening to me?" She was brought back abruptly when Kouga waved his hands in front of her face before taking her hands in his.
"You're...not with the mutt, are you?" He realized, but still confused. "Then what are you doing here?"
Kagome found her voice. "I'm going to train to better protect myself. You saw what just happened; I can't go on the way I have. I want to learn, I need to learn. Don't you see?"
"What?" Kouga blinked. "But Kagome, what's wrong with being protected?"
"I just can't keep doing it," she said simply.
"You know I'm always here for you, right?" The wolf youkai bent his head lower to look into her eyes. "I'll always protect you."
Kagome couldn't help the blush that crept into her cheeks, but thankfully, he didn't notice. "I know, Kouga," She gave him a small smile that quickly grew impish. "I'm sure Ayami would love that, right?"
"You know she only pretends to feel jealous for show," Kouga rumbled. "Old habits die hard."
"Clearly," Kagome replied dryly, her humor restored. "I'm sure you and Inuyasha can attest to that."
It was Kouga's turn to blush; then, he cleared his throat. "You still haven't answered my earlier question."
"I..." She trailed off and looked away. When she looked back, Kouga was surprised to see the fire of determination burning so brightly in her eyes. "Sesshoumaru will teach me, if it's the last thing I do."
Not one about to argue with such fierce determination, especially from Kagome, Kouga just nodded. "At least let me see you safely to his castle. I owe you that, at least."
He ignored her half-voiced protests. "Now is not the time for that feminine pride-thing that Ayami's driving me crazy with. I'll see you to that Sesshoumaru and that's that. Got it?"
'Ayami's sure made him more forceful and direct, I see,' Kagome observed, liking the change. She nodded and Kouga offered her his arm.
"You do know you've been heading in the completely opposite direction, don't you?" He asked casually, his eyes straight ahead and anywhere but her, and so he missed her flush.
"I- no!" She drew out in a groan, using her free hand to slap herself in the forehead.
"Not to worry, not to worry," He said in conciliation, patting her arm, but she noticed his infamous grin was on his face. "I can get you there in no time at all; I know this forest like the back of my hand."
"I'm sure," Kagome sighed, and let her self be led onwards to her destination.
'When I get there,' She promised herself. 'I'll do this right.'
AN: I'm baaaaaaack. This darling fanfic has been dead long enough, so while I'm having a slight writer's block with Catalyst, Dark Passions, and whatnot, I'll be working on this. If you like it, dislike it, or just want to point out where I've screwed up, please review! That said, enjoy. XD