Chemo, First Cycle, November

Wilson held Angel's hand as they walked into the chemotherapy ward. He signed her in, had her seated. Wilson inserted her IV, since this was her first time; a nurse would handle it in the future. Angel quietly looked around at the men, women and children in the room, all in various stages of their treatment. She wished she could wipe the frightened doe-eyed look off her face but she couldn't help trembling.

Foreman walked in with her ginger ale a moment later and kissed her cheek. He grabbed a chair next to her as they waited for the nurse to come with the bag of meds.

From across the room, Angel heard a little girl squeal "Dr. Wilson!" A tiny slip of a girl grabbed onto his legs until he knelt down and hugged her. Though the child was completely bald—without even so much as eyebrows or eyelashes—she glowed like a lightning bug with a wide smile. She turned and gazed at Angel with curiosity. "Hi, I'm Anna. You're new."

Angel sucked in her breath for a moment…what were the odds…."I'm Angel, nice to meet you. It's my first time." Anna nodded somberly.

"Thought so. You still have all your hair. Hey hang on a minute!" And she dashed off, making Wilson chuckle.

"She's a spitfire, isn't she?" He wore a deep smile but she could also see the sadness in his eyes.

A moment later, she was back with a sparkly angel sticker that she gently patted onto Angel's shirt. "Hey, that's neat, thank you Anna! I'll get some stickers and we'll trade," Angel said with affection. Her smile faded when the nurse came with the bag. Solemnly, Anna came up to her and took her hand. Angel felt the cool softness of the tiny hand in hers.

"Sometimes it hurts for a minute. It's ok if you cry. I do sometimes," Anna said, far more mature than the 8 or so years Angel guessed her to be. And sure enough, it burned, like someone was injecting acid into her vein. Angel closed her eyes and a tear slipped out. Anna kept patting her hand.

Angel took a deep breath and then smiled at her new friend. "So, what do you have? I have Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma. I've had it since I was 4."

"I have multiple myeloma. It's like leukemia. I just found out I have it." Anna nodded, and then heard her name called.

"I have to go get my treatment. I'm glad we're friends Angel," she said, standing on tiptoes to give Angel a kiss on the cheek. "Bye, see you tomorrow!" She bounced over to her aide.

Wilson focused on Angel. "How are you feeling?"

"A little odd, kind of hot and cold and nauseous," Angel admitted, not even mentioning how badly her arm hurt. Wilson added zofran to her mix which helped a bit.

"Hey, did I miss one of my employees getting poisoned today?" Angel looked up with a nauseous smile to see House grinning down at her. He sat in a chair next to Foreman.

"You're just in time. Want some in your coffee?" Angel joked back.

"Nah, I'm good. I think Taub already put some in." He glared down at the liquid in his red mug. "You?" His tone was joking but his eyes were serious. Concerned.

Angel shrugged. She kept taking small sips of the ginger ale. "Not so much." She tried to put on a brave smile for House. He glanced at the bag.

"They have you on the high octane stuff. Your arm hurt?" Angel slowly nodded. House caught Wilson as he walked by. He grabbed another syringe of something and injected it, making the pain tolerable.

"Angel if something hurts or you feel sick, let someone know. We might not be able to do anything but you've got to speak up." Wilson gently brushed her cheek. She nodded meekly.

"Um, that sick thing…" Angel said, feeling like her skin was being scorched. House grabbed a basin and held it while Angel threw up multiple times. Foreman rubbed her back then got a cool cloth for her face and neck. House handed the basin to a passing nurse. "Sorry House." She looked mortified.

"It's ok. At least you didn't throw up on me. Better?" House touched her hand. She nodded.

"I thought I wouldn't get sick until next week," Angel said, looking a bit panicked.

"Everyone responds differently. Plus you're nervous today." House tried to reassure her.

"Dr. House!" Anna called from across the room. "When are you coming to read to us?" Angel had never seen House blush before and bit back a smile.

House had on his gruff face but his voice said otherwise. "Soon," he called back.

"When?" Angel glanced down the row, looking at Anna standing there with her hands on her hips. Angel had to cover her face before House gave her a dirty look for laughing.

"Today, okay?" he sighed, defeated. Anna nodded her head and sat back down.

He made eye contact with Angel. "So I read to the bald kids. You should come with me." She nodded.

Angel couldn't help but laugh at the sweetness, and saw Wilson watching Anna. "How is Anna doing?" she whispered.

Wilson pursed his lips together. She could see him forcing the tears back. "She has a month. Maybe two. And she knows. But she is one of the most amazing patients I've ever had." Wilson shook his head, sighed. "Her original prognosis was a year."

Angel was horrified. Aside from her physical appearance, Anna was so full of life and joy. Foreman gently wrapped Angel in his arms, while she rested her head on his shoulder. She closed her eyes with a ragged sigh.

House offered to wheel Angel back to her room while Foreman went back to the clinic. As they went slowly down the oncology wing, Angel couldn't help seeing the patients in varying degrees of illness. This time the urge to vomit was from fear, not the medicine. House noticed her trembling but said nothing.

They stopped in her room; House told her he'd fetch Nolan. "No," Angel said, crawling into bed, facing away from House so he couldn't see her tears. House paused, tempted to just leave. But he sighed, steeled himself, and sat facing her.

"Why not? Because obviously you are just fine right now." There was an edge to his voice and she looked into his eyes.

"I-I'm tired." She hugged her arms around her body, looking away.

"Look. I understand you're scared. But you have to get over it." Angel looked at him as if he'd just slapped her in the face.

"You have no idea what I'm going through!" She raised her voice, angry tears forming. "I could go through all this and still die!"

"And it scares the hell out of you. I do understand that. No, I haven't had cancer. But I've almost died a few times myself. It's scary and you feel helpless. But if you lose faith now, you might as well give up and go home because it's over. It doesn't matter what meds Wilson gives you, if you don't fight, you will die." House wanted to grab her, shake some sense into her, even though he knew she had every right to be terrified.

"That little girl scared you. But she's beaten the odds for years. She's had that much more life to spend with her family and don't think for a second they aren't grateful for that." House could see she was at a breaking point. He gently took her hand. "I'm not going to promise you that you won't die. But we will help you fight. But we can't force you to. You have to do that part. We want you around for a long time. I…..want you around." Angel looked into his eyes and saw the same tears that were forming in hers. Before she could react, House leaned over and hugged her. She melted against him, shuddering with a few more tears. When he stroked her hair, she let out a sigh.

"Hey. You got your hair cut." Out of the blue, Angel started laughing, wiping tears away. "It looks good on you."

"Thanks, House. I think I'm ready for Nolan now." House gave her a half-smile and nodded. At the doorway he paused. "You need anything, just page me." He didn't wait for an answer as he limped off to his office.

XXXXX

"So…how are you feeling?" Nolan knew by the look on her face this could be a difficult session.

Angel shrugged. "Scared, embarrassed, confused, in love. That's pretty much my life in, well, five words." She hated sounding so flip.

"Okay, big range of emotions. Let's start with the good one. I take it things are going well with Dr. Foreman?" He cocked his head.

Angel smiled a little. "He took me to a bed and breakfast this weekend. It was….the nicest thing anyone's done for me. Eric's wonderful to me. We're living together so he can help me through the chemo. It's kind of fast but…I really love him." Her cheeks turned pink as she smiled deeper.

"Sounds good. So how does he compare with other men you've had relationships with? Have you been in love before?"

"I…thought I was in love with James…Dr. Wilson. But he's my best friend. He just wasn't ready. And other men….I guess I thought it was love but nothing compares to what I have with Eric, except for the love I had for my son. Eric is gentle, very compassionate, and romantic. He puts me first. I….sometimes wonder what I did to deserve such an incredible man."

"Dr. Foreman sounds like he sees you for who you are, a good person, and he's willing to make sacrifices to help you during this tough time. Let's tackle some of the other things you mentioned."

"Obviously I'm scared about the cancer. And embarrassed because I threw up during my first treatment today. Right in front of House." Nolan raised his eyebrows.

"House is a doctor. I'm sure he's seen many patients do much more than vomit. Why does that embarrass you?"

"Well, he's technically still my boss, even though I'm on leave. And…well….that's the confusion part I mentioned." Angel pulled out her journal. "I got sick while on vacation. Nothing bad, just fever from dehydration. Eric and James were worried, but House was….over the top. He was chastising me over the phone, and I felt like saying…." Angel paused, looking at Nolan, feeling nervous. He nodded encouragingly.

"I felt like saying to House 'you're acting like my father'." Angel fell silent and bit her lip.

"Hmm. Sounds like you have strong feelings for House. Tell me why you feel confused."

"I mean…he's House. I was once attracted to him, when we first met. And then he's my boss, and we didn't get along well. But after he saved my life, things have felt….different. And I couldn't put a name to the feeling until the other day. Because I don't remember my father. I don't know what having a father is like."

Nolan wrote some things down and paused to think. "It's interesting that right now you seem to have surrounded yourself with caring nurturing males: House, Dr. Wilson, and Dr. Foreman. What about women?"

Angel felt a bit embarrassed to admit that aside from Hadley, her next door neighbor, and Maggie from the inn; she really hadn't felt close to anyone since Tricksy. Nolan made a few more thinking noises and made more notes.

"Now, I don't do this often, but we could do hypnotherapy to help you remember your past," Nolan offered. "We could start with your father. It might help you understand your relationship with House."

Angel looked frightened. "But what if it's too scary? What if it's stuff I don't want to remember?" Nolan took her hand.

"I understand your fear. Subconsciously your body remembers. The memories may affect how you live your life now. Doing it this way, we can control how much you remember at once, and I can help you deal with the memory. I can't promise it will be easy but I don't believe choosing to keep these memories buried is healthy for you. I would like to record these sessions as well." Nolan leaned back, waiting for Angel to decide.

No fear. "Okay. I trust you. Let's do it." Angel was trembling but determined.

Nolan had her get comfortable in her bed and dimmed the lights. He had her breathing slow and relaxed until she fell like she could fall asleep. "As I count to five, you're going to remember your life as Anna Hamilton, 5 years old." Nolan began counting. When he finished, Angel looked very peaceful with the hint of a smile on her face.

"How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine." Though it was still Angel's voice, the pitch was a bit higher, lighter.

"I want you to tell me about your father."

"He liked to have fun with me. He pushed me on the swings, and played games with me. He read to me at night. I love my daddy very much." Nolan couldn't help but smile at how happy she sounded.

"That sounds nice. Was your daddy always nice with you? Even if you did got into trouble?"

"My daddy was very nice. Sometimes I got a little spanking like when I ran out into the street but then he'd hug me and tell me how much he loved me. He was never mean, ever."

"What job does your daddy do?"

"He wore a uniform….he's in the army. He had to go away." Her voice became warbled with child-like sadness.

"Why is that?"

"He said he had to go fight some bad people but then he'd come back. But he didn't. He died. I was really sad and cried a lot." Her voice softened.

"What about your mother? What happened when your father left and when he died?" Nolan had a hunch but he hoped he was wrong.

"She…she said it was my fault he left. She said I was a bad girl and that's why he left. And it was my fault he died. I was….evil. I didn't mean to hurt my daddy," Angel cried out piteously.

"It's okay Anna. You're not a bad girl and you didn't hurt your daddy. Sometimes grownups say hurtful things when they are sad too."

"She drank a lot and slept a lot. Sometimes…." She stopped, biting her lip.

"It's okay; it's safe to tell me."

"Sometimes she would hit me even when I wasn't being bad. I still loved my mommy but she said she wished I'd never been born." Angel began to softly sob.

"I was all alone. I didn't like it at night. I was scared of the dark."

"Didn't anyone take care of you? A grandmother or grandfather maybe?" Angel shook her head.

"How long were you alone with your mom?" Even though he was recording the session, he still took notes.

"Until I was eight. Then the bad man came." Even Nolan felt chills when she said that. He decided that was enough for now, and brought Angel back to normal consciousness.

Angel wiped at her eyes, at first wondering why she'd been crying and slowly the memory Nolan helped her with took root. She felt a wave of happiness and sadness crash over her, almost overwhelming her. Nolan talked her through the panic until she felt she could speak.

"I….I remember my dad," Angel said, smiling though the rest of her face looked pained. She felt a little part of her heart that had been empty fill with the loving memories of her father. "And….my mom." Angel's face fell and she shuddered. Nolan took her hand.

"Angel, the things your mom told you were wrong, but as a child you didn't know how to defend yourself. Over time, these messages stuck with you, became voices in your dreams, defined your self-worth, or lack of it." Nolan's kind eyes searched hers and he hoped with time she could heal from the past rejection.

"But…why? I can't imagine feeling that way about Connor. Why did she hate me?" Angel began to cry again.

"Whatever her reasons for her anger, her drinking and her abuse, they were not your fault. She had the right to grieve, to even be angry at losing her husband, but never to direct it at you. One thing I have to say from this, you should be proud of yourself." Angel looked baffled. "You did not continue that cycle. You could have chosen to abort your son after being raped, you didn't. You were a wonderful mother. You mothered him the way you should have been. And despite being treated cruelly, you are kind. Look at those who care about you."

"Angel you've had some good and some bad memories restored. Try to focus on the good, and when you do think of the bad ones, use them to empower yourself. When the memory tells you you're bad, think of the ways you're not. Even speak to the voice if that works. Keep writing in your journal. Talk to Dr. Foreman. I even say share with House if you feel up to it. You've taken some big steps in healing. You're strong Angel. Be proud of yourself." Nolan ended the session with a quick hug and was glad to see that Hadley was outside so she wouldn't be alone right away.

Hadley leaned into her room with a smile, "Hey, is now a good…" Her face changed, seeing the tears Angel was wiping away. She came in, eyebrows knitted together, and immediately put her arms around her. "Angel, what is it?" she asked gently, her green eyes focused on her face.

"Rough session with Nolan. I'm getting some of my memories back. It's just hard remembering my dad, who was wonderful, only to lose him again. He died when I was five." Angel couldn't bring herself to mention her mother. She knew that Hadley's mother had died of Huntington's chorea and she had issues with her death. No need to burden her friend. She put on a brave face.

"So, when are you and Chase leaving for Jamaica?" Hadley smiled a bit but her face still held concern for Angel.

"Tomorrow. That's why I was stopping by; I'm getting off early to finish packing. But….Angel, I'm sorry about your dad." Her hand brushed Angel's.

"It was a long time ago. I'll be fine. I'm just tired. Promise to bring me back a seashell?" She smiled at Hadley, hoping to ease her worry.

She nodded, and gave her a hug before leaving. Angel had her turn out the lights and draw the blinds, saying she wanted a nap. In truth, Angel didn't want anyone to see her cry. The moment Hadley left, sobs choked her chest. Angel felt like it was just too painful to breathe anymore and wished she could stop. True, she was mourning her father. But the rejection from her mother was more than her heart could bear. And now she knew where she learned to cry without a sound, to avoid the wrath of a mother who would scream at her if she so much as whimpered in the dark at night. To someone passing by, only the closest observer would notice the slight shuddering of her body, huddled under the blankets.

Angel felt herself falling into those dark memories, as helpless as she'd been all those years ago. She didn't hear footsteps crossing the room. When a hand touched her arm, she flinched, throwing up an arm from the blow she surely expected, her eyes wild with fear, and she let out a wounded cry.

House stepped back for a moment. "Hey, it's alright, it's me. Angel, it's House. What the…" He'd come to see how things had gone since Nolan had told him he'd used hypnotherapy. Obviously she was not coping well.

He quickly flipped on a light and could see she was struggling to breathe. After putting an oxygen mask on her, House checked her vitals. Her pulse and BP were dangerously high. He paged for some help and got an IV started, all the while, trying to reassure Angel she was okay. A dose of sedative and pain meds finally calmed her to a point she was coherent.

As House turned to pull up a chair, Angel reached out and clutched his shirt as though she was drowning and he was her only chance to stay afloat. "Easy, I'm not going anywhere. I just need a chair." Slowly she relaxed her grip; House took her hand when he sat. "Now, tell me what the hell happened in your session." House was brimming with anger at Nolan. How could he have left her in such a vulnerable state?

"I….remember my parents." Angel said, once the oxygen mask was removed. House kept her on a nasal canula to be on the safe side. "My dad….is dead." She felt like crying but there were no more tears, and the sedative was doing its job.

Thinking of his own father, House encouraged her to continue. "He was wonderful. Everything I could want in a dad. But he died in combat when I was five." House's eyes widened slightly. He had pegged her father for some of her earlier abuse but obviously he was wrong which left…

"My mom…" Angel's voice broke. "She blamed me. She didn't want me." Her eyes searched House's for some ounce of comfort, but he looked away, unsure of how to respond.

"The voices….the ones in your dreams. They're your mom's words." House said flatly. Angel nodded. His stomach churned. He knew what it was like to be rejected by a parent, for no reason other than existing. It hadn't been his fault his mother had an affair, that he wasn't his biological son. But he was punished all the same. "They're not true. You have to believe that. Just like the cancer, you have to fight against those ugly notions she put into your head."

"I know it must hurt to remember your dad only to lose him again, but he loved you. And you have to hold onto that." House squeezed her hand and looked into her eyes. "Did she hurt you? Physically?" His jaw clenched when she nodded again. "I'm sorry, Angel." He wanted to say more but he was afraid of hurting Angel more than she'd already been hurt. She needed stability, like Foreman and Wilson.

House could see the toll the day was taking on her. "You need rest. And before you ask, yes, I'll stay." He flicked the lights off and returned to her bedside, reaching for her hand. "Hold it as long as you need to."

"House…I…thank you," Angel whispered, her voice sounding tiny, broken. He nodded, barely resisting the urge to stroke her hair. He didn't let go for a long time, even after she fell asleep.