A small, AU oneshot about John and Ellen, because just because he couldn't look her in the eye, it didn't have to mean they stopped seeing each other.
It was true John couldn't look Ellen in the eyes after what happened to her husband. However, that he never saw her again was a lie. It happened rarely, and they were careful not to let Jo know anything about it.
The first time was a less than a month after Bill Harvelle's death, and Ellen hadn't expected to see John again, not after he left the minute he had brought Bill's body back. But he came back. He stumbled through the Roadhouse's door, covered in mud and dirt, obviously coming directly from a hunt. Ellen left the bar and rushed over to him, grabbing his arm.
"John, John, you alright?" She noticed the smell of whiskey on him, but ignored it as he wrapped his arms around her. And then, suddenly, they were kissing, hungrily, fiercely.
It was quick, rough and uncomfortable on the pool table, and when it was over, John whispered a choked "I'm sorry", and left. Leaving Ellen lying there, tears silently sliding down her cheeks. Damn you, John Winchester.
After that, she didn't see him for months. She once again thought that he was gone forever, and though she was still grieving her husband, she missed him. The man that was at least partially responsible for Bill's death.
But after almost four months, he came back. He couldn't look her in the eye, and it felt like guilt was tearing him apart, but it didn't stop him. Didn't stop them. He fucked her against the wall, and he cried, whispering her name. And once again he left without another word.
When he was in his car, driving back to the motel where he'd left his boys, he swore he wouldn't go back there again. He couldn't do it to her. He just couldn't. So he wouldn't go back.
But he did. He had to, he couldn't help it. He had to see her again, touch her again, touch her again, fuck her again. And he fucked her, and she screamed his name and left long scratch marks on his back. And this time, she begged him to come back.
They never spoke of love, nor did they mention a word of a possible future together. What they had wasn't even close to a relationship, but need and desperation kept driving them together. For years, John kept coming back to her, sometimes he showed up unexpected, and sometimes she called him, "John. I need you", and he'd be there within days.
The last time he saw her was a year before his death. It was the only time he ever spent the night with her, staying for longer than just a fuck. Ellen wondered if something was wrong, when he didn't just get up and left when they were done, but didn't ask, not until hours later, after they both were sore after hours of fucking, no, love making, this time.
And he told her, told her that he was finally getting close. After so many years, he was closing in on the demon that had destroyed his life. And that he didn't think he would come out it alive.
"John… John, is this a goodbye?" He looked away, and she grabbed his chin, trying to force him to look at her. "John!" And he drew her close, kissing her hair, and suddenly she was so scared of losing him.
"I'll come back", he whispered into her hair. "I always come back." Then he kissed her and left, and Ellen knew that he had lied. That he knew that he was never coming back. The knowledge gripped her heart as an ice-cold hand, and she felt tears well up in her eyes. Damn you, John Winchester, why did you make me love you?
Review, pleeaase? They make me oh so happy!