Fade
She wasn't ordinary. She was straight forward while others were meek. She was willing while others held back. She had no desire to open up while others only wanted that freedom. She held her secrets close and guarded them with the full extent of her being.
She was always told that letting go was weak. Weakness was looked down upon. At all points you have to be strong no matter the inner emotion. Everything she knew was reversed now. Where she was in her life she had seen so much pain. Only one person could get her to realize it. Only one person let her be free.
She looked down at the man kneeled over the icy coated grave, his red plaid design standing out as he sat in the white abyss. One headstone stood before him, one that bore the name that had shred his heart to pieces. Every second of every day she observed his changes. His carefulness more often than ever, his secrecy becoming overbearingly evident. His will to wake up slowly slipping away.
She woke this morning to the sound of Mrs. Kent wrapping on the door. She couldn't find Clark and she beckoned her to search for him. She found him miles away in the one place that had broken him completely. She saw him enter the grave yard. She watched him stop at the stone and drop to his knees. She listened to the strong cries and the weakening noises from behind.
She stepped slowly only disturbing the snow slightly. She had no conscience of the cold or any other meaning of existence besides his cries and his shaking body. She never knew him to be weak, she never knew him to let go. She knew him as being hidden and unwilling to let anyone in. This man before her wasn't him. He wasn't Smallville anymore.
She stopped feet behind him as words formed carefully between gasps and sobs. Her heart broke all over again as he pulled the journal from his shirt.
"Hey dad." He traced JOHNATHON KENT with a finger as he spoke, his eyes following the movement. "I can't find words anymore to explain this... I can't go on without you."
His hand dropped from the letters and found their way to the journal. "Lois gave me this. Figures she would give me something to help ease the pain. I don't know what's happening. I lost Lana and now Lois is helping me? I think she feels sorry for me. That's not what I want. I'd rather her not feel anything for me. Anything is better than pity."
His head dropped once again. "I miss you dad. I'm so sorry for all of this. I never meant for you to die."
From behind him Lois covers her mouth and allows her tears to fall. Thoughts run through her head causing her to shake with fear. 'He thinks this is his fault. Oh God.'
"I thought that if I saved Lana everything would be ok again. I didn't realize I would lose you too. I want to take it back." He smashed his fists against the ground causing the snow to jump then resettle. Lois held on to the tree she hid behind. Too afraid for him to move.
"I need you. I can't live without you knowing this was all my fault. Knowing that I didn't have to go back in time to save Lana because going back ended up being worthless. Knowing every choice I've made until this day led to you dieing."
He picked up the journal and stuck it inside of his coat back into the same place it had been. He stood and placed a hand on the stone carefully. "I don't want my choices to affect anyone else. I don't want to live with this regret anymore. I'm going to do the right thing. Dad, you probably wouldn't agree but I'm leaving Smallville forever. I know by me going I'm going to hurt mom and Chloe and even Lois but I can't stay here and know that my mistakes could kill them. I couldn't go through that again. I love them too much." His hand dropped from the stone. "I love you dad."
He wiped the tears from his eyes and turned. Lois took a final step out from behind the tree and caught his eyes. The blue had faded from the tears. His tan skin more pallid from the tears. His heart now barely beating from the tears. She only wanted to hold him, to make him see that if he let her in everything would be better.
"Clark you can't leave me."
"Lois don't."
She grabbed his hands and pulled them towards her. "You have to stay."
He refused to look back into her eyes. "I have reason to leave and none to stay."
She bit her lip. "I love you."
"No you don't. You will never love my Lois."
Her grip tightened on his hands. "I need you."
"No." The tears flooding down his face clearly evident.
"Please."
"Lois don't make me."
"Don't make you what? Smallville, you can't just leave. You just lost your dad. I know you're in pain, but the truth is...you've gotta suck it up."
Clark looked at her shocked and jerked his hands away as he took steps backwards. "I can't just 'suck it up'! I just lost the man I called dad. The man who gave me advice and made me feel safe. I don't want to stay and be reminded every second. I can't live with that."
"If you leave you'll be reminded of how you left your mom and Chloe. And me."
"I've lost so many people."
"I know."
"I don't want to stay here anymore."
"I know."
"I don't want to."
She pulled his face close to hers and kissed him on the lips. He dropped into her arms and let out a long fearful wail. "I don't want anyone else to die."
"I know."
He only stared at her. That beautiful face redden by the cold and the cries. The beautiful smile faltered by loss. That beautiful heart broken by his words. He couldn't ease her pain when he could ease his own.
"Clark, let me help you. Let me love you."
"Lois..."
"No. You can't leave. I know you're scared. You stick with me Smallville, and everything is going to be ok. Go it?"
He smiled into her words. "Yeah."
"Now move it soldier. We have to check in at the base!" He saluted and started to march away. She ran up behind him and smacked him on the butt. He jumped and placed his hands over his butt. He turned and saw her laughing. "There was a fly on it."
"In the winter?"
"Winter fly."
"Right." He started to walk off and she jumped on his back. He carried her as she giggled, as she kissed his neck and tickled his sides. He would get her when they got home.
Clark made her drop her guard, he made her cry and made her laugh. She only wanted to give him happiness. Only wanted to make him smile. No other pride was greater than having the love of that farm boy, her farm boy.