Jack of Hearts

(Disclaimer: Aww...I don't own FF8, but I'm working on it...)

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A Selphie and Squall Mystery...no, make that framing. Uhm...change that to 'A Selphie and Squall Blackmailing Heist'. Much better!

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(a/n: Heeeeey all! It's me! No, don't scream and run away! Well, I'm just here to tell you that this is not a serious fic! Well, some parts are, but mainly I'm making fun of Selphie and Squall, who are so fun to make fun of! )

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'The date is unknown. The time is unknown. The whereabouts is unknown. The only thing we know is that--'

" Booo-ring!" Selphie announced as she clicked off the radio. " Let's have some fun!"

" ...whatever," Squall muttered, wanting the overly sugared girl to be away from him. Lazily he looked up to his dorm room wall, then cursed himself for not noticing the time.

Five in the afternoon, when the sun lay smugly in the sky, casting golden hues across the plains of Balamb. That was when she came. Peppery, ten times worse then Rinoa and always wanting Squall to engage in social activity, it surprised him that she was SeeD.

I could always fire her if I ever become Headmaster, he had told himself. But inside he knew he would never do such a thing. So many people were close with this terror from Trabia, they would be enraged if he did such a thing. Besides, she was valuable in the battle field. To an extent.

"What do you want from me?" He asked in his usual drone tone. " I have a busy schedule."

She laughed at him, then playfully smacked him on the back. The pain from her abusing made him wonder where she obtained her freakish strength from.

" You need to come with me for an adventure!" At the end of her sentence, her eyes widened and she clapped her palms together in excitement. Squall was just confused.

" You know, where we go out and try to do something fun?"

The blank look remained.

" You do know what fun is, don't you?"

This time he coughed and looked around. Selphie let out a long drawn sigh.

" Oh forget it! Just come upstairs with me, I need someone to help me take some text books down to the library."

" What kind of text books?"

" Oh, now you're interested!"

So off they went, out of the dorm rooms, into the elevator and upstairs to the second floor.

" The new Battle Technique instructor doesn't want to use the same text books that Quistis recommended," Selphie explained along the way. " He said that they were too outdated and not efficient enough."

" There's a new BT instructor?" Squall asked, his voice carrying the smallest hint of surprise.

" Yeah, I'm not sure who he is, but Cid was acting really odd when I was talking to him about it. He will be teaching the same type of classes as Quistis did, the only difference is that he will be teaching beginners and intermediates only. Oh, oh, but I do know who may be teaching the experts!" She grinned, and just that moment they had reached room 205. Squall personally couldn't care less and ignored her radiating glee.

" We have to get these textbooks in to the library," He said, walking into the classroom. Crashing into the door, he rubbed his nose and glared. Usually the door opened on its own, it was rare that it would not work. Placing his hand on the door, he pushed. The door didn't budge.

" It's locked," He announced. " Do you have the key?"

Finally her smiling face fell and she began to throw her body weight against the door. When she was convinced it was locked, she sighed and informed Squall that the key would be most likely with the new instructor.

Their journey took them another flight up, to where they met with Headmaster Cid.

" I'm sorry, but I don't feel that it's right for me to disclose the new Instructor's personal information so quickly, " He said, rubbing his temple with one hand and writing slowly with the other.

" A hangover," Selphie whispered to Squall.

" I knew that," He whispered back.

" Excuse me?"

They flashed fake smiles at their beloved Headmaster, then Selphie whispered for Squall to leave. He gave her a puzzled and somewhat aggravated look, but left anyway.

In a few moments time, Selphie walked out of the office, dangling a pair of keys.

" Oh Hyne, you didn't do what I think you did..." Squall asked, horrified beyond belief. Selphie's expression matched his and she stomped on his foot harshly.

" You idiot. I might as well tell you that I was offered the job of teaching the experienced students."

" You mean to tell me that you're the other BT teacher?" Squall asked, his eyes narrowed -in confusion or suspicion, Selphie doubted she would ever know.

" Yeah, I decided to take it."

" I don't understand." Squall stopped and folded his arms. " Why would you take the job now? I doubt that textbooks are that important to you."

" Certain reasons convinced me," She said slyly. When it was clear that she was not going to tell, Squall decided to use a weapon of his own that always worked in making people reveal what he wanted to know.

"...whatever."

" Well, if you're going to persist like that I might as well tell you that I have a suspicion that Quistis is in that classroom right now with Irvine and that's why I got the keys, because if he's cheating on me with that blonde, then, then--"

" Calm down," Squall commanded, cutting her off and allowing her time to gulp in oxygen so that the gas would reach her brain. " But now that you mention it, Quistis has been acting strange lately.

~Flashback -One Week Ago~

Squall is sitting with Rinoa, discussing something other then curtains for a change when Quistis walks by hastily, failing to greet them in her usual friendly style. She is walking so fast that she collides with the edge of their table, and quickly gets up with her face flushed crimson.

" It's okay, Quisty," Rinoa says. " You must be hurt, why don't you sit down for a moment?"

" I...I can't," She stutters in reply. " There's a lesson on gunblades that I need to finish...and...and I would hate to waste the night."

Before Rinoa could grab hold to Quistis and force her to join their conversation, she was gone.

~Present day -Whenever that is!~

" Yeah, the strange this is that she isn't even an instructor anymore," Squall said, concluding his memory.

" What does this have to do with Irvine?" Selphie asked.

" I dunno. What does this have to do with Irvine?"

" Well..."

~Flashback -Three Days Ago~

Selphie and Irvine are sitting in the cafeteria once more, and Irvine seems to be sulking about something.

" What's wrong?" His girlfriend asks, being caring and nosy at the same time. He lifts his head the table and waves a dismissive hand.

" Nothing, it's just that Quisty blew me off again, for the tenth time, " He complains. " We were supposed to go to Galbadia together."

Selphie's face turns a shade of red, and she narrows her eyes.

" Why didn't you ask me?" She whines. " Why Quisty?"

" I go everywhere with you, sugar plum." He places his hand on hers and she snatches hers away. Irvine finally realizes what Selphie is making of the situation. " No, no, no!" He says frantically, then begins to rack his brain for a logical explanation. His eyes light up when he obtains it. " Quisty and I just want to see Galbadia as friends. She said that she needed to see something in Dollet, so naturally, I suggested that it would be better if we went together. After all, you go places with Zell all the time."

Her frown remains, but she nods her head. She would get to the bottom of this.

~Present Day -I still don't know when~

" So you think he's cheating on you because he's going with Quistis to Galbadia?" Squall asked in an exasperated tone. " You idiot, he's going with her to Dollet so that she can help him pick out an engagement ring for you!"

Half a second after the words left his mouth, Squall groaned, realizing what he had done.

" SQUALL!" Selphie shrieked. " You ruined the surprise!"

" ...whatever."

Selphie sighed, feeling both overwhelmed by that prospect that Irvine was going to ask her to marry him, and that now the moment was going to be less special that it was supposed to be. Now she had to find a way to get back at Squall for ruining the most important moment in her life.

" Hey, if Quistis is not having an affair with Irvine, then what is wrong with her?" Squall asked, breaking into Selphie's thoughts. Selphie flashed him a dirty look and was about to give him an earful, he had ruined her engagement after all, when she recognized that Squall had asked a question that had nothing to do with Garden, SeeD or Rinoa.

" That is a good question..." She said after brewing for a while in her thoughts. Curiosity overcame her need for Squall's blood to be shed; she had to know who Quistis' mystery man was. " Squall, let's go."

She grabbed the man harshly by the elbow and began to drag him, lightening speed, towards room 205. Once there, she eagerly pulled out the keys from the pocket in her yellow sundress and began to search through to see which key was formatted for the door.

" This is wrong, so very, very wrong," Squall said, but by his tone, he really couldn't care less. " I command you to halt."

Selphie stopped fiddling with the lock -she had found the key- and glowered at her companion. An engulfing silence passed over them, then Squall shrugged.

" ...whatever," He voiced. Selphie just smiled and continued her work. About five minutes later, she began to feel fed up. The key fit perfectly into the small key hole, but the door did not budge.

" Whomever is in there must have it on the type of electronic lock that only opens from the inside," She said, then kicked the door. The steel hurt her toe and she began to hop around like some deranged rabbit on one foot, cradling her other in her hands.

Squall sighed, beginning to become bored. He checked his watch and noticed it was time for his daily nap -Squall only had three priorities in life, one was eating, the other was sleeping and lastly was SeeD. But he knew that his small friend would not let him go until she found out Quistis's secret. He was slightly curious himself. Slightly.

Deciding that his naptime was too valuable to waste, he began to check around the wall that surrounded the classroom from the outside. In the corner, behind a newly installed awards shelf, he could see what seemed like a door. Shoving the shelf aside, he was puzzled to why this door was blocked by a shelf, and why he had not noticed it before.

" Ooooh, I thought Garden got rid of all wooden doors."

Selphie poked her head over Squall's shoulder, then pushed him. She began to test every key in the rusted hole until both of them heard the 'click' of the latch opening.

Neither of them uttered a word or sound as they cautiously opened the door and looked to where it led. The room was familiar, it was the one they had been trying to enter before. Room 205. Two pairs of eyes took in the sights, but for some reason they were weary to go in. This was for good reason.

Selphie and Squall both saw it at the same time. Far in the corner of the classroom. Selphie was about to scream but Squall quickly clamped his hand over her mouth just in time, muffling her cry. He shut his eyes quickly, backed out of the room and shut the door. Then he prayed for someone to gouge out his eyes while Selphie continued screaming 'no, no, no!'.

(a/n: wowwie, guys! So...should I continue or burn it? Don't you wanna know what's going to happen next? What did they see that was so horrifying? Remember, this is HUMOUR so flame me and die! Make me happy and review...since I'm sick I can't go to the concert that I almost died to get tickets for! *cries*)