Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural or Castiel. If I did, he'd get a lot more hugs, since he deserves them.
Who's That Girl?
Who exactly was Lisa Braeden?
This was not the first time the thought had crossed Castiel's mind as he once again stood at the edge of her property. He watched as Dean smiled and kissed her at the grill where he was cooking burgers.
How exactly was she so lucky? Why did she get Dean?
Castiel and Dean shared a profound bond. From the moment he had found the man in Hell, the two were tied together in such a way that no words could ever fully describe it. As the two had interacted more and more, Cas had realized the nature of their bond and how he felt for his charge. Eventually, he followed his feelings and rebelled then died for Dean. Twice.
All of that was because Castiel had fallen for Dean in every way. He was in love with him.
Castiel had thought that Dean had felt something for him too.
They shared so many small moments together. Sharing secrets with each other that they would never tell another soul, running from the men at the den of iniquity, making Dean smile and laugh, staring into each other's eyes, fighting side by side, and picking each other up when they were faltering. There were so many things, so many moments. Dean had seemed happy when they were together.
Castiel had thought that Dean might love him too.
So, why did he choose her?
He should have known that it was useless from the very beginning. An angel and a human? It would never work out. They were too different, coming from basically separate worlds. The two constantly irked each other with the traits of their species. They really could not be together without something, some crisis, tearing them apart.
Unfortunately, knowing that did not make Cas love Dean any less.
He should have known that it was useless. Castiel had hoped, but it seemed that his hopes would always be dashed by Heaven, by his Father, by the other angels, and even Dean sometimes. How was one supposed to keep faith when he was continually disappointed or betrayed?
Castiel couldn't help but think that maybe he should stop having expectations. It would probably hurt a lot less then.
He should have known it was useless when Dean attempted to "get him laid" on his first "Last Night on Earth." Even if Dean did return his feelings, Dean would never admit it. For some reason, he felt he needed to overcompensate his masculinity with his attitude and clothes, his defensiveness at being thought gay and complete avoidance of "chick-flick" moments. Being with Cas, who Dean saw as a man despite the fact that angels were genderless, would be too much. He would never pursue him and would more than likely push him as far away as possible.
So Castiel had decided that he would never reveal his feelings. No matter what, he wanted to be by Dean's side, even if it hurt him to see his endless string of women.
He should have known it was useless when he had woken up during the drive to face Lucifer and heard Sam ask Dean to go to Lisa when everything was over. Dean would do what Sam wanted him to do, especially as this was the last thing that he had asked of him. There was no way that Castiel could ever compete against Sam. That would be even more useless than trying to compete against Dean's one-night stands. The fact that neither brother had even noticed that he had woken should have also clued him in. They didn't care about how he might play into their lives after kicking Lucifer back into the Cage. They didn't think about how he might have wanted to stay with Dean.
Despite everything, Cas wondered, even then, if they only cared that he was useful, that he was nothing but a hammer to them. After all, they never seem concerned about how he was doing. They didn't seem to think of him as much of a person.
Still, as he had lain in the backseat of the Impala, Castiel had decided that he wouldn't push Dean if they managed to survive. He wouldn't ask if he could stay and compromise that promise. It had to be Dean's choice. Or else, what would have been the point?
He should have known it was useless as he talked with Dean after Sam had fallen into the Cage. The Impala was headed in the direction of where Cas knew Lisa would probably be. Still, Cas had made an attempt. He tried to see what Dean thought about him leaving, but all Dean thought about was Sam. Like always. And it looked like he was going to follow his promise.
Castiel had offered a final choice. He wanted to see what Dean really wanted. It was a way of asking without asking.
"No Paradise. No Hell. Just more of the same. I mean it, Dean. What would you rather have? Peace or freedom?"
Her or me?
Dean knew what he was really asking. Cas knew that he knew. Dean might never acknowledge what they had, but he at least knew that there was something between them.
Dean's silence and steadfast gaze on the road told Castiel his answer.
He had left. Dean obviously didn't care, at least not about him.
Cas tried to pretend that that didn't hurt.
Castiel retrieved Sam from the Cage. Dean only cared about Sam, so he would give him back. It had been hard, as he had tried to prevent the archangels from escaping while simultaneously fighting hordes of demons off. The door had actually seemed to shut a bit too early, but he had had enough on his plate trying to make his escape.
Then, he had been confused. Sam had looked at Dean's new life and walked away, not even telling him that he was alive. Cas hadn't understood, but as he too looked at Dean sitting at the table with the Braedens, he felt a horrible twisting in his grace.
Castiel believed that it might be jealousy.
Cas soon understood why Sam had turned away, as he himself had stood at the edge of the property, much like today. Everything had changed, with Raphael attacking and giving him his ultimatum. He had fully intended to go up to Dean, and tell him everything, to ask for his help. Then, he had watched as Dean came outside, getting a kiss from Lisa, and began to rake the leaves in the yard.
This was the life Dean had always secretly wanted. The Apple Pie Life. It made sense now. Lisa could offer so much more than Castiel ever could. Dean wanted normal. He deserved normality, peace, and happiness after all he had lost.
Castiel was about as far from normal as one could get.
Castiel had no right to infringe on Dean's happiness.
Cas kept telling himself that, but, of course, that didn't really make it hurt any less.
Castiel had thought that that would be the last time he saw Dean. Raphael was too strong. No matter whether he fought or surrendered, Cas was probably going to die before the end of this. That had been true then, and was still true now.
Still, he couldn't help wondering why he now tortured himself by continuing to come back here. Watching Dean be so happy with someone else hurt. All coming here did was make Castiel question things.
Who was this woman? Where did she even come from? Why did she get everything he wanted?
Because this was what he wanted with Dean: a peaceful life together where they didn't have to worry about the plots of Heaven and Hell. Though he was an angel, Castiel wanted this so bad. Lisa had everything. She had Dean. She had a life together with him. She had Castiel's entire world.
This didn't feel right. It should be Castiel by Dean's side. He was the one who had made Dean smile, who had stayed by Dean's side through the worst of days.
Did none of that matter?
Apparently not, because Dean had chosen some normal, human woman who did not truly know him over Cas.
But Castiel couldn't begrudge Dean this. He deserved it. Cas had to respect Dean's Free Will.
After all, Dean had made his decision.
And so had Castiel.
"Back here again, Kitten?" Crowley asked, coming up to stand next to him. "I don't know why you keep coming back here."
Castiel didn't reply, closing his eyes momentarily to avoid looking at the demon.
He hated working with Crowley, but there wasn't much choice. From his research that he had started since beginning this war, he still had not found any other way to defeat Raphael besides opening Purgatory. If Raphael got his way, all of Dean's work and sacrifices would be for naught. He couldn't involve Dean in this, because Dean finally had what he wanted and he was happy. Even if Cas didn't like Lisa, he couldn't let Dean lose this.
All of this was for Dean. Even if Dean would never know, Castiel had to fight for him, protect him.
"He'll never realize exactly how lucky he is." Crowley commented, tilting his head at the scene. "He'll never know exactly how much his guardian angel loves him." His voice took on a mocking tone.
"Shut up." Castiel growled at him. He took one more look at Dean and relished his smile.
This was why he came here. It was not to feel jealous of Lisa, or mourn what could not ever be. They had made their choices. What Cas was doing was dangerous, and it walked the line of right and wrong. But surely, if Dean ever did find out, he of all people would understand the desperation, the sheer lack of other options, which could lead one to make a deal with a demon.
Sometimes, Castiel needed a reminder of what he was fighting for though. So he watched Dean, the one he loved, the one he fell for, the one he died for, and saw him living out his most precious dream.
Dean was worth it. He was worth Cas casting aside everything, even if he never received a word of thanks for it.
He would fight until the end, just for Dean.
Castiel told himself that this was enough for him.
"Let's go." He told Crowley, turning his back on Dean. The two of them vanished, though no one around had seen them in the first place.
So neither of them ever saw Dean suddenly look up. They never saw him look around with a slight air of anticipation since he had thought he heard a familiar rustle of wings. They never saw the slightly disappointed look on his face before Lisa came back up to him and he turned back to her, smiling.
Once more, both Castiel and Dean missed each other from their separate paths.
AN: I've said this before (I think), but I really don't care for Lisa. I only approve of her if she, Dean, and Cas are a threesome. I ship Destiel, so sue me. (No, actually don't. I'm just a poor college student.) I think that Cas probably dropped in on Dean a lot during that year after the Apocalypse-That-Never-Was, but I can't help but think that that would hurt. A lot. The title was actually based off of Hilary Duff's Who's That Girl song, since Cas would probably wonder why Dean would choose Lisa over him. Poor Castiel. He deserves so much more, especially since it looks like he is going to go through even more crap starting next week. Can't wait though! See you at the season premiere! (Unless I get another blast of inspiration and write another Supernatural fic.)