"In Spite of the World" -- by Allora Atwater
A/N: I realized after I wrote "Your Boyfriend Sucks" that while Zell was easily understood, Selphie and Irvine weren't. So I'm gonna write this in everyone's POV just so you can see exactly what went on and piece everything together. This is Selphie's, and it goes through her side of the story.
Disclaimer: I don't own FF8 (surprise surprise) and the song "In Spite of the World" belongs to The Ataris.
I really don't know why I'm headed for Zell's room, of all people. I guess he and I have a common bond; we've always been the Energizer Bunnies of the group and I feel like he can understand me. He's always been there for me when no one else could be, like the time we were shorthanded for the Garden Festival. Or the time when I got the role of Helena in the Garden's rendition of "A Midsummer Night's Dream" and he stayed up till 2 in the morning helping me with my lines. At the Winter Ball, when I fell off the latter and sprained my wrist, he held my good hand as Dr. Kadowaki bandaged my other. It's weird, but whenever I'm in a jam, his face always crosses my mind and he seems to pull through for me every time. I know I should probably go to Rinoa or Quistis with a problem like this, but I've burdened them enough. They have their own lives to deal with.
I reach his dorm and pause, feeling strangely nervous. He just got beack from a training session, I wonder if he's taking a nap or something? I almost leave, but I never put the effort into something and not finish it. I knock lightly on the door, afraid to wake him if he's drifting off.
"It's open," he groans, and I carfeully turn the knob and peek in. He's sitting on the floor, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.
"Um, sorry to bother you Zell..." I start, feeling bad that I interrupted his slumber. He smiles and waves it off.
"Nah, s'alright, c'mon in Selph."
I look around first; for some reason, I'm afraid that there will be spies crawling throughout the place, recording my every word. It's stupid, but I can't help the way my skin crawls with anxiety. When I finally shake my nerves, I slip in and close the door with a click. I contemplate locking it. Zell pats the floor beside him, offering me a seat.
I make an attempt to sit down gracefully, but I end up faltering midway to the floor, leaning on my arm for support. It looks natural enough, so I play it off and he doesn't seem to notice.
"So what's botherin' you?" he questions, his eyes on the ground. I can sense a little discomfort, but I don't know what from. He knows I'm drowning myself in inner turmoil; am I that obvious or does he just know how to read me? He and I have been through a lot these past few months, I wouldn't be surprised if he knew my every expression and could see through every little mask I put up to hide my feelings.
"Well," I begin, shifting my weight cause my arm is getting sore. "I wasn't sure if I should come to you for this, but Quistis is at a faculty meeting and Rinoa isn't around... and you're a guy so maybe you can help make sense of this with me..."
He tenses up a little; I'm sure now he knows what I'm gonna ask. I wonder why it makes him so sullen when I talk about my relationship? He and I always share things with each other, why should this be any different? I almost want to make something up and not tell him what's really on my mind, but that wouldn't be right. I'm not a liar and I'm determined to get this outta my system.
"Go on Selph. We're practically best friends, you can talk to me about whatever."
A vague smile makes its way on my lips. Funny how just a few words of reassurance can completely boost my confidence. "Yeah, yeah you're right. Look at that, you've made me feel better already and I haven't told you anything yet."
I see the little muscle in his jaw twitch impatiently. He crosses his arms over his chest and waits for me to start, tired of my small talk and endless chatter. I really need to stop beating around the bush.
"Um, alright..." I try again, popping my joints to allieviate some pressure. "It's about Irvine..."
I know Zell and Irvine were never the best of friends, but they certainly weren't enemies either. They were comrades I guess, able to crack jokes with one another, able to work well as a team. But I always got the feeling that Zell had something against Irvine, and for whatever reason that may be, it's holding him back from being a true friend to my cowboy. I've always cared for Irvine; he was my best friend as a child and he grew on me again when we met in Galbadia. We haven't always been the perfect couple, but we've been happy. He makes me feel wonderful and I think I do the same for him. I almost want to say that out loud, to calm the rage in Zell's eyes, but I know Zell thinks he's hiding that anger from me. I'll humor him and not bring it up that he's giving himself away.
**I woke up from this dream to find that I was sleeping
So I went back to sleep and I dreamed I was awake.
I locked myself inside but you were on the outside
I stood outside and watched but I couldn't let you in.**
"... he seems so distant lately. I don't know if it's something I did or if he's just unhappy or what. He's not cuddly anymore, he gets snappy with me if I ask too many questions..." I feel my eyes mist over and try to control the waterworks. I don't wanna make too much of a scene in front of Zell. "It's not fair Zelly!" I moan, hitting the carpet with my balled up fist. I'm sure it looks stupid, my little hands assaulting the unyielding carpet, but I don't care. I'm getting more and more frustrated every minute. It's true, Irvine's been keeping to himself lately, so much that I have to worry. And every time I offer him support, he jerks away. I don't have too much experience in dealing with men; I don't know what to do anymore. I don't wanna give up on him and what we have, but the thing is, I'm not sure what we have anymore.
"Hey, listen, it's alright." Zell murmurs, touching my cheek and jolting me out of my thoughts. "He's probably just got something on his mind that he doesn't wanna share with anyone right now. Even you."
"But why?" I ask, wiping at my cursed tears before they have a chance to fall. "I love him... he can tell me anything, and he knows it too."
He looks like he's about to say something, but catches himself before he does."Well..." he starts gathering his choice of words. "See Selphers, sometimes guys don't wanna admit they have a problem and they kinda push it to the back of their mind and deny it when people ask..."
I think about that for a second. It reminds me something I remember seeing in the Timber pub. "Kind of like an alcoholic?"
He looks at me and I burst out laughing. I must sound pretty funny. He laughs with me. "Yeah basically. Irvine prob'ly just doesn't wanna seem weak in front of you no matter how much you..." my voice catches. "... no matter how much you love him."
I nod to show I understand. "So... what d'ya think I should do about it?"
I'm not sure why I'm asking him; he's already helped me enough. I'm probably ruining the rest of his day by being here. I wish I knew how to handle this on my own, but when it comes down to something so important, I don't know if could risk going it alone.
"I dunno..." He whispers, uncertain. I crawl close to him and rest my head on his shoulder. I hate having to cry and be weak in front of him, especially when I'm usually so happy. I'm horribly confused, I just need someone to lean on, someone who will support me without question. He hesitantly wraps an arm around me and pulls me more comfortably against him.
"Zelly, you have no idea how much I put up with for him. I never call him on his flirting habits cause I know that's a second nature to him. I never make him feel like he needs to check in with me, I don't put him on a leash. It's not like I ask for much --"
I feel him press his lips to the top of my head; it comforts me a little.
"I know he loves me Zell... but he can't show it. And it makes me really mad!" I snap, hitting his chest for emphasis. I hope I didn't hurt him; I took out a lot of aggression in that blow. "He can't even tell me when something's wrong, he just takes it out on me for trying to help him! Doesn't he get it?" Maybe I'm the one who doesn't get it. Maybe I'm too needy. "It's just not fair!" I smack his chest again.
I'm embarrassed to have been beating on him like that. When my cheeks cool down, I look at him with uncertainty.
"Sorry," I utter, running my fingers softly where I made the infraction. "I shouldn't take out my problems on you."
It's strange... being in his arms like this, my hands gently pressed against him, his ragged breathing against my ear. I almost forget about Irvine for an instant, being so completely at peace with Zell.
"Selphie," he whispers, fighting a flush. "You can tell me anything. You know I'll always be here for you, more than that jerk ever will. Cause unlike him, I really care about you, you know that..."
He's telling me that Irvine doesn't care, but I know he's wrong. However, I can tell that right now he isn't focusing on Irvine. He's focusing on me. And it sends shivers through my veins.
"I know." I agree, resting my head in the crook of his neck. "You've been there more times than you should've. I've really taken you for granted. I wish there was something I could do..."
I do want to repay him for everything he's done. I've been a selfish friend, always running to him for help when I knew there was no one else I could pester.
"You could kiss me." he responds. I'm shocked, but I oblige. There's really no sense of right or wrong left in me at the moment. I lean up and plant my lips on his, feeling myself melt. It feels so nice... and yet when I open my eyes, I want to be staring into Irvine's. What Zell and I are doing is something reserved only for Irvine and I. I broke the underlying trust in our relationship, and the kiss turns sour. I pull away before I have the chance to get caught again and be unable to break out of it.
"I love you..." he says, devoid of true feeling or emotion. He doesn't say it the way Irvy says it. He doesn't mean it the way Irvy means it. I yank out of his embrace and jump to my feet with a start. I never wanted for something like this to happen...
"Don't say that, don't say something you don't mean Zell. Don't say something both of us are gonna regret."
He keeps his gaze leveled at the ground, his mouth hanging open wordlessly. I know Zell tends to say things without thinking, and I'm sure it was just him getting caught up in the moment. I don't know why it shakes me so much to hear it.
"Selph, you're... you're right. I'm sorry I didnt mean for --"
"No, no," I wave my hands to stop him, and to push back any memories of what happened between us. "No one's fault here... let's just... just put all of this behind us for now okay? I'm gonna go find Irvy and talk to him." I play with the hem of my dress. "Thanks Zell."
I stare at his prone form a second longer before turning to leave. I messed up a great friendship. In an attempt to end things on a good note, I poke my head back in and inform him,"You're a good kisser." I wink, to show that I mean it all in good fun, blush at my own comment, and shut the door behind me. Well, it's true, he was a good kisser. But the kiss depends on who it's with; that's what makes it all the more special. If you truly love the person you're kissing, it doesn't matter if they're the best kisser or the worst, it will always be something to look forward to. I decide not to mention this to Irvine, not cause I'm afraid of what he might think, but because I know it happened for a reason and that it will never happen again. No point in worrying him or making things worse between Zell and himself.
**Maybe you could see inside yourself.
Wrote a letter to myself, but I couldn't bear to send it.
So I tore it up and wrote a letter to a friend.
If only you could know that growing up means letting go
Maybe then you'd grow up by yourself.**
A few days pass and Irvy and I reconcile. He agrees to tell me when he's upset from now on, instead of keeping it to himself. Our lunch break is almost over, and I want to take him to the Quad before our next training session.
"You have to see what I've got planned Irvy!" I gush, linking arms with him. He smiles down at me as I use his arm to twirl myself around, hopping along merrily without a care in the world.
"And guess who's gonna help me with the next Garden Festival?" I prod, walking backwards now to face him with a grin.
"Rinoa?" he suggests jokingly. I reach up and steal his hat, putting it on my own.
"Try again if you want your hat back!" he takes my hand in his.
"Sure, I'll help. All you needed to do was ask."
As we're walking out of the cafeteria, I spot Zell sitting with some friends of his and scarfing down hot dogs. He and I haven't spoken since our kiss. I dont mean to treat him differently, but it's hard to go back to being the way we were without the risk of sending mixed signals. I don't know how he feels about the whole situation; I guess if it bothered him he would tell me. We pass by his table and Irvine waves. Zell returns the gesture, smiling a little. I look on for a moment, trying to read any hidden emotions in his face. Seeing none, I finally smile at him, telling him with my face that I'm truly happy.
**I'm growing up again...
I'm learning to accept that all good things must come to an end.
I'm growing up again...
I'm trying to understand what it's like
To let go of a friend.**
Ehh, I don't like it as much as Zell's, but I thought it did justice to her side of the story. It doesn't seem right if you see it just through his eyes, y'know? I might do one for Irvine, although it'd be a lot more of a monologue except for the ending. Whatd'ya think? Reviews are greatly appreciated *coughcoughhinthint* Oh and just to clear this up, I know I make Irvine seem kinda like a bad guy in the beginning, but I just want you all to know I don't see him as a bad person, in fact he's one of my faves! (Read "Fanatics: Irvine" by Mariye if you don't believe me ^o^)
A/N: I realized after I wrote "Your Boyfriend Sucks" that while Zell was easily understood, Selphie and Irvine weren't. So I'm gonna write this in everyone's POV just so you can see exactly what went on and piece everything together. This is Selphie's, and it goes through her side of the story.
Disclaimer: I don't own FF8 (surprise surprise) and the song "In Spite of the World" belongs to The Ataris.
I really don't know why I'm headed for Zell's room, of all people. I guess he and I have a common bond; we've always been the Energizer Bunnies of the group and I feel like he can understand me. He's always been there for me when no one else could be, like the time we were shorthanded for the Garden Festival. Or the time when I got the role of Helena in the Garden's rendition of "A Midsummer Night's Dream" and he stayed up till 2 in the morning helping me with my lines. At the Winter Ball, when I fell off the latter and sprained my wrist, he held my good hand as Dr. Kadowaki bandaged my other. It's weird, but whenever I'm in a jam, his face always crosses my mind and he seems to pull through for me every time. I know I should probably go to Rinoa or Quistis with a problem like this, but I've burdened them enough. They have their own lives to deal with.
I reach his dorm and pause, feeling strangely nervous. He just got beack from a training session, I wonder if he's taking a nap or something? I almost leave, but I never put the effort into something and not finish it. I knock lightly on the door, afraid to wake him if he's drifting off.
"It's open," he groans, and I carfeully turn the knob and peek in. He's sitting on the floor, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.
"Um, sorry to bother you Zell..." I start, feeling bad that I interrupted his slumber. He smiles and waves it off.
"Nah, s'alright, c'mon in Selph."
I look around first; for some reason, I'm afraid that there will be spies crawling throughout the place, recording my every word. It's stupid, but I can't help the way my skin crawls with anxiety. When I finally shake my nerves, I slip in and close the door with a click. I contemplate locking it. Zell pats the floor beside him, offering me a seat.
I make an attempt to sit down gracefully, but I end up faltering midway to the floor, leaning on my arm for support. It looks natural enough, so I play it off and he doesn't seem to notice.
"So what's botherin' you?" he questions, his eyes on the ground. I can sense a little discomfort, but I don't know what from. He knows I'm drowning myself in inner turmoil; am I that obvious or does he just know how to read me? He and I have been through a lot these past few months, I wouldn't be surprised if he knew my every expression and could see through every little mask I put up to hide my feelings.
"Well," I begin, shifting my weight cause my arm is getting sore. "I wasn't sure if I should come to you for this, but Quistis is at a faculty meeting and Rinoa isn't around... and you're a guy so maybe you can help make sense of this with me..."
He tenses up a little; I'm sure now he knows what I'm gonna ask. I wonder why it makes him so sullen when I talk about my relationship? He and I always share things with each other, why should this be any different? I almost want to make something up and not tell him what's really on my mind, but that wouldn't be right. I'm not a liar and I'm determined to get this outta my system.
"Go on Selph. We're practically best friends, you can talk to me about whatever."
A vague smile makes its way on my lips. Funny how just a few words of reassurance can completely boost my confidence. "Yeah, yeah you're right. Look at that, you've made me feel better already and I haven't told you anything yet."
I see the little muscle in his jaw twitch impatiently. He crosses his arms over his chest and waits for me to start, tired of my small talk and endless chatter. I really need to stop beating around the bush.
"Um, alright..." I try again, popping my joints to allieviate some pressure. "It's about Irvine..."
I know Zell and Irvine were never the best of friends, but they certainly weren't enemies either. They were comrades I guess, able to crack jokes with one another, able to work well as a team. But I always got the feeling that Zell had something against Irvine, and for whatever reason that may be, it's holding him back from being a true friend to my cowboy. I've always cared for Irvine; he was my best friend as a child and he grew on me again when we met in Galbadia. We haven't always been the perfect couple, but we've been happy. He makes me feel wonderful and I think I do the same for him. I almost want to say that out loud, to calm the rage in Zell's eyes, but I know Zell thinks he's hiding that anger from me. I'll humor him and not bring it up that he's giving himself away.
**I woke up from this dream to find that I was sleeping
So I went back to sleep and I dreamed I was awake.
I locked myself inside but you were on the outside
I stood outside and watched but I couldn't let you in.**
"... he seems so distant lately. I don't know if it's something I did or if he's just unhappy or what. He's not cuddly anymore, he gets snappy with me if I ask too many questions..." I feel my eyes mist over and try to control the waterworks. I don't wanna make too much of a scene in front of Zell. "It's not fair Zelly!" I moan, hitting the carpet with my balled up fist. I'm sure it looks stupid, my little hands assaulting the unyielding carpet, but I don't care. I'm getting more and more frustrated every minute. It's true, Irvine's been keeping to himself lately, so much that I have to worry. And every time I offer him support, he jerks away. I don't have too much experience in dealing with men; I don't know what to do anymore. I don't wanna give up on him and what we have, but the thing is, I'm not sure what we have anymore.
"Hey, listen, it's alright." Zell murmurs, touching my cheek and jolting me out of my thoughts. "He's probably just got something on his mind that he doesn't wanna share with anyone right now. Even you."
"But why?" I ask, wiping at my cursed tears before they have a chance to fall. "I love him... he can tell me anything, and he knows it too."
He looks like he's about to say something, but catches himself before he does."Well..." he starts gathering his choice of words. "See Selphers, sometimes guys don't wanna admit they have a problem and they kinda push it to the back of their mind and deny it when people ask..."
I think about that for a second. It reminds me something I remember seeing in the Timber pub. "Kind of like an alcoholic?"
He looks at me and I burst out laughing. I must sound pretty funny. He laughs with me. "Yeah basically. Irvine prob'ly just doesn't wanna seem weak in front of you no matter how much you..." my voice catches. "... no matter how much you love him."
I nod to show I understand. "So... what d'ya think I should do about it?"
I'm not sure why I'm asking him; he's already helped me enough. I'm probably ruining the rest of his day by being here. I wish I knew how to handle this on my own, but when it comes down to something so important, I don't know if could risk going it alone.
"I dunno..." He whispers, uncertain. I crawl close to him and rest my head on his shoulder. I hate having to cry and be weak in front of him, especially when I'm usually so happy. I'm horribly confused, I just need someone to lean on, someone who will support me without question. He hesitantly wraps an arm around me and pulls me more comfortably against him.
"Zelly, you have no idea how much I put up with for him. I never call him on his flirting habits cause I know that's a second nature to him. I never make him feel like he needs to check in with me, I don't put him on a leash. It's not like I ask for much --"
I feel him press his lips to the top of my head; it comforts me a little.
"I know he loves me Zell... but he can't show it. And it makes me really mad!" I snap, hitting his chest for emphasis. I hope I didn't hurt him; I took out a lot of aggression in that blow. "He can't even tell me when something's wrong, he just takes it out on me for trying to help him! Doesn't he get it?" Maybe I'm the one who doesn't get it. Maybe I'm too needy. "It's just not fair!" I smack his chest again.
I'm embarrassed to have been beating on him like that. When my cheeks cool down, I look at him with uncertainty.
"Sorry," I utter, running my fingers softly where I made the infraction. "I shouldn't take out my problems on you."
It's strange... being in his arms like this, my hands gently pressed against him, his ragged breathing against my ear. I almost forget about Irvine for an instant, being so completely at peace with Zell.
"Selphie," he whispers, fighting a flush. "You can tell me anything. You know I'll always be here for you, more than that jerk ever will. Cause unlike him, I really care about you, you know that..."
He's telling me that Irvine doesn't care, but I know he's wrong. However, I can tell that right now he isn't focusing on Irvine. He's focusing on me. And it sends shivers through my veins.
"I know." I agree, resting my head in the crook of his neck. "You've been there more times than you should've. I've really taken you for granted. I wish there was something I could do..."
I do want to repay him for everything he's done. I've been a selfish friend, always running to him for help when I knew there was no one else I could pester.
"You could kiss me." he responds. I'm shocked, but I oblige. There's really no sense of right or wrong left in me at the moment. I lean up and plant my lips on his, feeling myself melt. It feels so nice... and yet when I open my eyes, I want to be staring into Irvine's. What Zell and I are doing is something reserved only for Irvine and I. I broke the underlying trust in our relationship, and the kiss turns sour. I pull away before I have the chance to get caught again and be unable to break out of it.
"I love you..." he says, devoid of true feeling or emotion. He doesn't say it the way Irvy says it. He doesn't mean it the way Irvy means it. I yank out of his embrace and jump to my feet with a start. I never wanted for something like this to happen...
"Don't say that, don't say something you don't mean Zell. Don't say something both of us are gonna regret."
He keeps his gaze leveled at the ground, his mouth hanging open wordlessly. I know Zell tends to say things without thinking, and I'm sure it was just him getting caught up in the moment. I don't know why it shakes me so much to hear it.
"Selph, you're... you're right. I'm sorry I didnt mean for --"
"No, no," I wave my hands to stop him, and to push back any memories of what happened between us. "No one's fault here... let's just... just put all of this behind us for now okay? I'm gonna go find Irvy and talk to him." I play with the hem of my dress. "Thanks Zell."
I stare at his prone form a second longer before turning to leave. I messed up a great friendship. In an attempt to end things on a good note, I poke my head back in and inform him,"You're a good kisser." I wink, to show that I mean it all in good fun, blush at my own comment, and shut the door behind me. Well, it's true, he was a good kisser. But the kiss depends on who it's with; that's what makes it all the more special. If you truly love the person you're kissing, it doesn't matter if they're the best kisser or the worst, it will always be something to look forward to. I decide not to mention this to Irvine, not cause I'm afraid of what he might think, but because I know it happened for a reason and that it will never happen again. No point in worrying him or making things worse between Zell and himself.
**Maybe you could see inside yourself.
Wrote a letter to myself, but I couldn't bear to send it.
So I tore it up and wrote a letter to a friend.
If only you could know that growing up means letting go
Maybe then you'd grow up by yourself.**
A few days pass and Irvy and I reconcile. He agrees to tell me when he's upset from now on, instead of keeping it to himself. Our lunch break is almost over, and I want to take him to the Quad before our next training session.
"You have to see what I've got planned Irvy!" I gush, linking arms with him. He smiles down at me as I use his arm to twirl myself around, hopping along merrily without a care in the world.
"And guess who's gonna help me with the next Garden Festival?" I prod, walking backwards now to face him with a grin.
"Rinoa?" he suggests jokingly. I reach up and steal his hat, putting it on my own.
"Try again if you want your hat back!" he takes my hand in his.
"Sure, I'll help. All you needed to do was ask."
As we're walking out of the cafeteria, I spot Zell sitting with some friends of his and scarfing down hot dogs. He and I haven't spoken since our kiss. I dont mean to treat him differently, but it's hard to go back to being the way we were without the risk of sending mixed signals. I don't know how he feels about the whole situation; I guess if it bothered him he would tell me. We pass by his table and Irvine waves. Zell returns the gesture, smiling a little. I look on for a moment, trying to read any hidden emotions in his face. Seeing none, I finally smile at him, telling him with my face that I'm truly happy.
**I'm growing up again...
I'm learning to accept that all good things must come to an end.
I'm growing up again...
I'm trying to understand what it's like
To let go of a friend.**
Ehh, I don't like it as much as Zell's, but I thought it did justice to her side of the story. It doesn't seem right if you see it just through his eyes, y'know? I might do one for Irvine, although it'd be a lot more of a monologue except for the ending. Whatd'ya think? Reviews are greatly appreciated *coughcoughhinthint* Oh and just to clear this up, I know I make Irvine seem kinda like a bad guy in the beginning, but I just want you all to know I don't see him as a bad person, in fact he's one of my faves! (Read "Fanatics: Irvine" by Mariye if you don't believe me ^o^)