You Don't Have To Hurt Anymore

Chapter 1

She sat alone in the dark, sobbing, curled up on her couch. She's in her home, but it doesn't feel like a home anymore. In her mind a home should be full of happiness and love, now she's not quite sure if there is any of that left in their home. She is his wife after all and she has hope for saving their marriage, she has hope that he will stop using cocaine, and she has hope that the abuse will stop. This is only the second time Alec had lost his temper really bad. But this time tonight it was bad enough to scare her, bad enough to physically hurt her. She knows he's having a hard time trying to overcome the use of drugs and he does good for a while until the pressure of his work takes over and he can't handle the stress. Maybe she hasn't tried hard enough, maybe she needs to be more supportive, be here when he gets home at night instead of her playing catch up at the office. Maybe she can hire her some help with the accounting. Maybe it's all her fault. Gillian wipes the tears away and tries to pull herself together. Where did this night go wrong?

Wednesday nights her and Alec usually get home at a decent time, slow day for both of them most of the time. She came home that evening and started cooking supper, he should be getting home in the next few minutes. She put the chicken, that she had prepped for cooking that morning, into the oven and went to the refrigerator to get the lettuce and tomato out for their salads. Gillian was so involved in making supper, that she lost track of time. The timer chimed on the oven to let her know the chicken was ready. She put the chicken on the cooling rack thinking that Alec must have got caught in traffic. Everything was ready, "Now. He should be home in a few minutes."

She decided to pour her a glass of wine and listen to some Ol' Blue Eyes on the record player. "Good ol' Frank" she said while setting the record needle on the album. She went back to the kitchen and looked through the mail sitting on the bar, 'junk, junk, bill and more junk' she thought. She started singing along with one of her favorite Sinatra songs.

"Fly me to the moon

let me play among the stars

let me see what spring is like on...

Jupiter and Mars.

in other words...

hold my hand..."

Gillian poured her another small glass of wine and she began to worry just a little. As she was putting the bottle of wine back in the fridge, Alec came through the front door. She heard him in the hall dropping his briefcase and cursing. She walked toward the hall and he seemed a little off somehow.

"Hey you" she said walking towards him and taking his jacket to hang it up for him. That's when the smell hit her, the jacket smelled of stale cigarette smoke, it actually filled up the hall with the stench. She hung the jacket up and turned to give him a soft kiss on the cheek, she could smell a mixture of beer and perfume?

"I'm starved, what's to eat?" he said excitedly. She watched him stagger into the kitchen and she followed.

"Sit down and relax I'll get you a plate set up, here's some salad to start off with". She watched him roll his sleeves up on his dress shirt and loosen his tie to slip it over his head.

"How was your day?" she said with a smile.

"Hectic! I'm running my ass off in that office and doing double work trying to get that promotion. Keith is hardly doing a damn thing and they're considering him for the position too! They're a bunch of fucking idiots!" She was a little taken back when the pitch in his voice changed and got louder.

"You must have gotten tied up in some heavy traffic on the way home, huh?" she asked hoping to get his mind to move forward and leave the office drama behind. She sat his plate in front of him and hers on the opposite side of the table as she sat in the chair she realizes he hasn't answered yet.

"Did you pick up your dry cleaning today?" she asked.

"I thought you were getting it?" he sounded irritated.

"Well I offered but you said you were closer and you would get it this evening".

Alec looked at her with a surprised expression "I don't think so, I'm pretty sure I never said that". Gill could see his facial muscles tense up a little, he rubbed his forehead as if he had a headache.

"Are you okay honey, do you have a heada-"

"Dammit Gill turn that crap music off! And let me finish my meal in piece!"Alec interrupted her with his voice raised. She gave him a questionable look and sighed as she got up from the table and went to turn the music off. She walked back and stood by the bar, her arms folded in front of her.

"What is wrong Alec? I know you've had a bad day but why are you so high strung? Did you go somewhere after work this evening?" hoping that he hadn't. Shoving his plate away from him and throwing the napkin in it, he stood up from the table so quick that the chair fell back slamming to the floor. Gillian cringed at the sound, her eyes wide with surprise as Alec took three steps toward her, his eyes narrowed as he looked into hers, mere inches from each other.

"I stopped and had a few drinks with some guys from the office, do you have a problem with that?" he said teeth clenched and face taught. Gillian put her arms to her side, pulled her shoulders back and chin up and carefully chose her next words.

"Was Jack at the bar with you?" Jack was a colleague from Alec's building whom supplied Alec with coke before Alec went into rehab sixteen months ago. Alec had done really well staying away from those he knew would drag him back into the drug world again. "Well, was he there?" Alec stepped back from Gillian glaring at her.

"Yeah, he was there and so were some others from the office, we all met and had a few drinks." Gillian went numb all over and looked Alec straight in the eyes.

"Alec, are you using again? Tell me I want to know." Alec slammed his fist down on the bar, nostrils flared, his face getting red.

"Yes, but only once in a while. I have control. I just need it to help me handle the stress at work and here at home!" he shouted with a strong voice.

"Why would you be stressed out here at home? I do all I can to be supportive of you and your problems in the past with drinking and using drugs! You can't blame this on me!"

Alec took one step and grabbed Gillian by the shoulders with a force that made her wince in pain, shoving her back up against the wall.

"I'm blaming you for constantly bringing up Sophie and wanting me to talk about it. You're always treating me like one of your patients, trying to get inside my head. You've been doing it since Sophie was taken away. Why can't you let what happened to Sophie go? Just leave it alone! I can't deal with this anymore!" For the first time since she's known Alec, she feared him. She was trying to read him but she was shocked and scared of him acting like this. She could here the anger rising in his voice. She attempted to speak, trying desperately to stay calm, but her voice betrayed her and came out in a whisper.

"Alec, please calm down, we can discuss this calmly and try to work through this. You're too worked up, too strung out and you've had too much to drink". Alec pulled her away from the wall.

"Don't tell me I'm too strung out!"

The next thing Gillian knew was that she was lying on the floor, her jaw in pain and she thought she actually saw stars behind her eyelids. She rose and sat up on the floor, her senses coming back to her. Alec had hit her? Is that what happened? She turned and looked up through blurry eyes to see him standing over her. He had a strange look on his face, and his breath was coming out in quick rasps. 'Shock maybe?' Gillian thought. She couldn't tell. She tried to stand up, but Alec bent down and grabbed her chin. His hand holding it painfully tight and forcing her to look at him.

"It's because of you that I'm so fucked up right now!" he said through clenched teeth. He then let go of her chin with a jerk, pushing her back to the floor with a harsh shove. He then proceeded to storm out, snatching his jacket and keys as he left.

Tears streamed down her face and with the initial shock over, she started crying uncontrollably. She just sat there on the floor. She pulled her knees up to her chest, and wrapped her arms around the front of her shins. She put her head down. Huddled into a ball on the floor, crying, she tried to go over in her mind what just happened.

'What did I do? What did I say to make him this angry?' she thought helplessly.