THE JOSSVERSE FLUTE
by Katta

SUMMARY: Prince Angelino is sent on a mission by the Queen of the Joyce to rescure her daughter Buffina from the evil SarGileso. But things aren't quite like they seem... (Crossover between Buffy and The Magic Flute.)
DISCLAIMER: Joss Whedon, David Greenwalt and company owns the characters as they were. They characters as they have become were originally created by Emmanuel Schikaneder and W.A. Mozart, and further developed in the film by Ingmar Bergman.
NOTES: The Magic Flute is a wonderful opera, especially in the film version by Ingmar Bergman. If you haven't already seen it, do your best to find it now. For those of you who think Bergman is depressing, I can say that I had to *take away* most of the gags he added to the story, since they were mainly visual, and thus the film is actually more fun than this crossover. But neither of us quite managed to spice up the main characters.

CAST:

Angelino, Prince of Los Angeles
Buffina, daughter of the Queen of the Joyce, Princess
SarGileso, wizard, leader of the Temple
The Queen of the Joyce
Papaxander, bird catcher
Papacordy, young girl
Three ladies, servants of the Queen:
Lady Willow
Lady Anya
Lady Dawn
Three boys:
Boy Wesley
Boy Doyle
Boy Gunn
Monospikeos, servant of SarGileso, vampire
Kendra, priestess at the Temple
Faith, priestess at the Temple
Jenny, priestess at the Temple
Riley, Soldier at the Temple
Graham, Soldier at the temple
The Host Speaker

**********

ACT I

**********

Prince Angelino is trying to fight a dragon, but failing miserably. He tries to flee.

ANGELINO: Oh, help me, oh help me, or I am lost! This dragon is too smart for me, it's going to kill me. Please, PTB, have mercy on me! It's coming closer. Oh, save me, protect me, save me...

Three bolts of lightning hit the dragon, coming from the skilful magic of three veiled ladies. Angelino, on the other hand, has fainted.

LADY WILLOW: Die, you monster!

LADY ANYA: Ha, we're stronger than him!

LADY DAWN: We're so cool! We're heroes, and we have saved the prince!

They move closer to Angelino.

LADY WILLOW: Now, that's what I call a cute guy.

LADY ANYA: Never seen one prettier.

LADY DAWN: Actually, I like Papaxander better.

Silence.

LADY WILLOW: Papaxander isn't even in the play yet.

LADY ANYA: She has a point though.

LADY WILLOW: Anya! Dawn, stick to the script, will you?

LADY DAWN: Okay, okay. He's a regular poster boy all right.

ALL LADIES: If I ever fell in love, he would be the one I'd want. Let's go to the Queen and tell her about this. Perhaps he's the one to give her back her peace.

LADY WILLOW: You go and tell her, I'll stay here.

LADY ANYA: No, you two head along, I'll stay and watch over him.

LADY DAWN: No, that's a stupid idea, I should be the one to protect him.

LADY WILLOW: I'll stay...

LADY ANYA: I'll watch...

LADY DAWN: I'll protect...

LADIES: I! I! I! (To themselves) What do you know, they want me to go. But I won't! No way I'm going to leave them here alone with him. Oh no, I'm not leaving. Oh, what I would give to be the one to get him. If I could just get some time alone with him... but nobody leaves. Oh well, I guess I have to go, then. Bye, my sweet little darling, I guess I'll be seeing you around.

They all leave. Papaxander arrives on a small path. He's carrying a birdcage on his back. His clothes are green and decorated with feathers, and he blows a Pan pipe to attract a little bird.

PAPAXANDER: I'm a bird catcher, and I like my job. Everyone knows me, I have a good trade, I play my pipe, I catch the birds, and then it's all joy joy joy for me. Only problem is, I can't catch any *girls* with this stupid thing. Now, what I would like to have is a net for girls, then I'd catch them by the dozen and lock them up in a room with me. They'd be all mine.

Angelino wakes up so suddenly the bird flies off.

PAPAXANDER: Oh, great going, deadboy! Now you scared the bird.

ANGELINO: What do you want birds for anyway?

PAPAXANDER: I catch birds for the Queen of the Joyce. What's it to you?

ANGELINO: This is her country? I must have gotten lost, then. (Looks around.) Have you seen her?

PAPAXANDER: Seen the Queen of the Joyce? Are you nuts? Do you think she walks around showing herself to people? (Pause) What are you staring at?

ANGELINO (disbelieving): Now I get it. You're the one who saved me from the dragon, aren't you?

PAPAXANDER starts laughing: Dragon! (Sees the dragon and screams like a girl. Pause.) Well, the important thing is that it's dead.

ANGELINO: How did you do it? You don't have any weapons?

PAPAXANDER: Well, uhm... I didn't need weapons, because... I'm a lot stronger than you think. I can kill a dragon with my bare hands these days.

The three ladies suddenly reappear out of nowhere.

LADIES: Papaxander! Papaxander! Papaxander!

Papaxander is startled by their sudden presence. He smiles, embarrassed with the situation, and the ladies giggle.

LADY WILLOW: I think we'll try something new today. So instead of soda, how about some nice, fresh water?

She pours it over his head.

LADY ANYA: And instead of candy bars, how about stones?

Papaxander reaches for his candy bars, that have indeed turned into stones.

LADY DAWN: And instead of hamburgers, I'm honoured to give you this padlock for your mouth.

The ladies clasp the padlock over the terrified Papaxander's lips. Then they promptly ignore him and instead turn to Angelino. They're now very serious, whispering to him in dreamlike voices as they give him Buffina's picture, cut out from a milk carton.

LADY ANYA: Prince Angelino, be still.

LADY WILLOW: Our queen wants you to see this photograph. It's a picture of her daughter.

LADY DAWN: If it turns out you like her, you'll be the hero of the day and get lots of money.

Angelino looks at the picture of the beautiful young Buffina. He is completely mesmerised, and by the ladies' magic the picture seems almost alive.

ANGELINO: She's more beautiful than anybody I have seen... than anybody *anybody* has seen. This picture... she fills me with these strange new emotions. I haven't felt anything like it, and yet I'm 247 years old! I don't know what to call it, it's like fire... love? Oh, yes, it has to be love, nothing else. Oh, I wish I could find her, that she was here! I would... I'd be all warm and... I'd hold her close and never bite her, she'd be mine forever!

LADY DAWN: Well, you've drawn the lucky number now!

LADY WILLOW: The Queen heard you. Every word.

LADY ANYA: She even heard your feelings.

LADY DAWN: So now she finally figures Buffina will be rescued.

ANGELINO: Rescued?

LADY WILLOW: Ah... yes, it just so happens this mighty wizard... demon!... has kidnapped her.

ANGELINO: Kidnapped?

LADY WILLOW: She was just dozing away on the schoolyard during recess one day in May, when SarGileso came...

ANGELINO: SarGileso?

LADY DAWN: Yup, SarGileso. He's the biggest bad there is. He's a shapeshifter and everything! He tricked Buffina to come to him, pretending to be a librarian.

ANGELINO: I'll rescue her! I promise, by my love!

LADY WILLOW: Listen, Angelino! Do you hear that thunder?

LADY DAWN: Do you see the light behind the houses over there?

LADY ANYA: It's our Queen coming.

The distant thunder is coming closer, the light turns brighter, although never too bright. Instead, it settles like bright stars in the dark sky around the Queen of the Joyce, sitting on her throne surrounded by many ladies. She hurries up to Angelino, graceful in her movements and with a worried yet hopeful expression on her face. She takes Angelino's hands.

QUEEN OF THE JOYCE: Don't be afraid now, son. You're a good man... sorry, vampire... and wise, and a warrior of the PTB. Someone like you would be just right to comfort me. My daughter has been kidnapped, and I'm so sad and worried all my happiness is gone. That horrible man that took her away! I was down in the street and saw it all, she screamed -- and she never screams, she's such a brave girl. She was so frightened, tried to fight him but couldn't, crying for help. But I couldn't help her! I don't have any magical powers like her, I'm just a mother. You, on the other hand, can release her. You'll save the day, and once you have I'll let you marry her.

She looks at Angelino in determination. He slowly nods, and a satisfied smile spreads over her face. She and her ladies disappear, save the three that are always around -- although not always visible. Right now, Angelino can't see them.

ANGELINO: Am I dreaming or something? Surely this can't all be true?

During all this time, nobody has noticed Papaxander, who is now making himself known.

PAPAXANDER: Mmm mmm mmm mmm...

ANGELINO (trying to hide his amusement): Oh, poor guy, you can't talk with that thing in there. They really punished you bad, didn't you?

PAPAXANDER (anxious): Mmm mmm mmm mmm...

ANGELINO: I'm sorry, I really am, but I don't see what I can do about it.

PAPAXANDER (annoyed): Mmm mmm mmm mmm!

ANGELINO: Nothing I can do!

The ladies are visible again.

LADY WILLOW: Good news! The Queen has pardoned you, no more padlock!

She takes the padlock away from his mouth.

PAPAXANDER: Papaxander can talk again!

LADY ANYA: Yes, but you're not supposed to *lie* again!

PAPAXANDER: Who, me? Never again, I swear!

LADIES: The padlock should have been a warning!

PAPAXANDER: It certainly was.

ALL: You know, if all liars were padlocked maybe there would be more love and compassion instead of slander and hate.

LADY WILLOW: Oh, before I forget: Angelino, here's a present from the Queen. It's a magic flute to protect you and help you when you're in danger.

LADIES: With this you will rule! You can change what people love and hate, make sad people happy and give girls to the lone rangers.

ALL: That's better than money and high ratings, because it makes people happier and more content.

The flute floats through the sky towards Angelino. For a moment it pauses near Papaxander, but when the birdcatcher tries to grab it, it hurries on and lays itself in Angelino's hands.

PAPAXANDER: Ladies, I think it's time I leave. See ya!

LADIES: No, wait a sec! You can leave, but with the Prince. The Queen wants you to go with him to SarGileso.

PAPAXANDER: What!? Forget it. I'm not going up against some big bad demon. I bet he's going to pluck me and roast me and serve me to his bunch of minion hellhounds.

LADIES: Well, Angelino will protect you, you'll be his servant.

PAPAXANDER: Him! He can go back to hell for all I care. I want to stay alive, and I don't really think deadboy's going to stick by my side.

LADY WILLOW: But we have a present for you, too.

Papaxander is curious at the box she hands him.

PAPAXANDER: What's in it? (Shakes it.)

LADIES: It's a music box, there are bells in it.

PAPAXANDER: Bells? Can I play them?

LADIES: Of course, stupid, just wind it up.

ALL: Silver bells and magic flutes are what you/we need to be safe on this trip. So long, see you later, but we have to go now!

ANGELINO: But wait a minute, what about...

PAPAXANDER: Where's the castle?

The three ladies look at each other, but before they have time to answer, three boys fall down from the sky, screaming wildly. They stop some distance above the ground.

BOY GUNN: Man, that was harsh.

BOY DOYLE: Tell me about it. I knew I should have stayed dead the moment they started talking about Papaxander hitching it up with Papacordy.

BOY GUNN: He's gonna do that?

BOY WESLEY: Please, can't we just stick to the script and get this over with as fast as possible?

BOYS: Three clever and handsome young guys will help you on the trip. They will be your guides, and you should follow their advice.

BOY WESLEY: Ha! That would be a first.

BOY GUNN: Now who isn't sticking to the script?

BOY DOYLE: What I don't understand is why we're talking about ourselves in third person.

ANGELINO AND PAPAXANDER: Three clever and handsome young guys will help us on the trip. (With the boys) Bye now, gotta go!

**********

Change of scene. It is a palace garden at night time, and the vampire Monospikeos, really pissed off, comes in to see Buffina.

MONOSPIKEOS: You're mine now, Slayer!

BUFFINA: Shit! What are you trying to do, give me a heart attack?

MONOSPIKEOS: No getting away this time!

BUFFINA: You think I'm afraid of dying? All I worry about is mom. She's so protective of me, she'll probably die too if I do.

MONOSPIKEOS: I'll lock you in and you'll never ever escape.

BUFFINA: Can't we just move on to the killing? Because there's no way I'm ever having sex with you.

MONOSPIKEOS (noticing the number of minions around): Get out, you idiots, we want to be alone!

He puts on his gameface and turns to Buffina, but is interrupted by Papaxander, who is climbing over the wall.

PAPAXANDER: I wonder whose house this is? Hey, isn't that Buffina? I'd better jump down. Hello, baby, what's up?

He sees Monospikeos.

PAPAXANDER AND MONOSPIKEOS: Ah! It's the devil!

PAPAXANDER: Don't kill me, please! Have mercy!

MONOSPIKEOS: Mercy, me? Get out!

Monspikeos shuffles Papaxander out and leaves himself, but as he closes the door, Papaxander sneaks in again without him noticing it. Buffina, on the other hand, sees Papaxander.

BUFFINA: Who are you?

PAPAXANDER: I'm a messenger of the Queen of the Joyce.

BUFFINA: From my mother? What's your name?

PAPAXANDER: Papaxander... wait a sec... (Pulls a folded photograph from his back pocket.) Let's see now. Beautiful eyes — yup, they're beautiful. A bit on the red side, but that can be helped. Blonde hair — blonde. Red lips — yes, they're red alright. It's all there! (Frowns) Except feet. According to this picture, you shouldn't have feet.

BUFFINA (grabbing the picture): Where did you get that?

PAPAXANDER: Long story. I'm carrying it for deadb... I mean, the Prince.

BUFFINA: Prince of what?

Papaxander has finally noticed there's some food around, and is stuffing his face with buns, but he hauls up another photograph and hands it to Buffina.

PAPAXANDER: I don't really know. Your mom likes him though, she has told him to go rescue you from SarGileso. I just happened to come first. Angelino is in love with you.

BUFFINA: Angelino... He's in love with me? Shouldn't be here, then? It's a bit lame to have a servant doing the rescuing part.

PAPAXANDER: I am not his servant! Anyway, we split up for a while. Then I started following this bird... and ended up here.

BUFFINA: What time is it?

PAPAXANDER: I don't know. It's getting lighter.

BUFFINA: Oh! Then SarGileso will come back from the patrolling any minute. Come on, we have to go!

PAPAXANDER: But wasn't that SarGileso, watching over you just now, the guy who locked you in and...

BUFFINA: No, that's Monospikeos, his servant. You wouldn't believe what he...

PAPAXANDER: Oh, I'd believe it. He looked like a...

BUFFINA: Believe me, he is. Come on, gotta go!

She starts pushing him over the wall, but suddenly stops.

BUFFINA: You're not tricking me, are you? I mean, you're not one of SarGileso's evil spirits?

PAPAXANDER: I an evil spirit? I'm the nicest spirit in the world!

BUFFINA: Sorry, didn't mean to hurt you. You have a good heart, I can tell. Beating, too.

PAPAXANDER: Of course I have a good heart. Now, come on, get going! Besides, I don't see what I need a heart for. I feel like moulting when I remember that Papaxander has no Papacordy.

BUFFINA: No wife?

PAPAXANDER: Not even a girlfriend. I'm a happy sort of guy, I'd like a bit of... a bit of...

BUFFINA: Don't worry, I bet the PTB will give you a girl one day. (Papaxander looks at her.) *Not* me.

PAPAXANDER: Yeah, okay, but you know... if she's not...

BUFFINA: A man who is in love always has a kind heart.

PAPAXANDER: And the woman has to follow that instinct, as well.

BOTH: We gotta enjoy love, it's what we live for.

BUFFINA: It makes the trials easier, and everyone makes sacrifices for it.

PAPAXANDER: It's all according to nature, and it certainly helps the ratings.

BUFFINA: There's nothing like it, nothing higher than a man and woman loving each other and seeking godliness.

They both run away from the palace.

**********

Change of scene to three Temples next to each other, with Angelino going from one to the other. The signs on the temples read "SarGileso university: courses in Kickass, Wisdom and Good Acting". He goes to the door on the left, opens it, and is about to go in.

VOICE: Stand back!

ANGELINO: Stand back? Okay, I'll try here then. (Tries the door on the right.)

VOICE: Stand back!

ANGELINO: "Stand back" again! Well, there's one more door, I'll try that one.

He opens the door in the middle and goes inside. The Host Speaker is in there, trying to fix his karaokemachine.

HOST SPEAKER: Hello, tall dark and handsome, what brings you to this place of higher powers?

ANGELINO: Love and virtue's just reward.

HOST SPEAKER: Nicely put, and I love this entire opera thing you've got going, but I'm afraid you're not very honest with me. It's not love and virtue I see in you, more like death and revenge.

ANGELINO: Well, yeah, I want to kill the bad guy.

HOST SPEAKER: No bad guy here.

ANGELINO: SarGileso rules in these parts, doesn't he?

HOST SPEAKER: He sure does!

ANGELINO (struck by a thought): But not in the temple of wisdom, right?

HOST SPEAKER: He rules in all the temples.

ANGELINO: But then... it's all hypocrisy!

He gets up, ready to rush out, but the Host Speaker puts a hand on his arm.

HOST SPEAKER: Easy now, peaches, leaving already?

ANGELINO: Yeah, I'm leaving, and I'd be happy never to see your temple again.

HOST SPEAKER: Now, you'll have to explain that, because I think you're mistaken.

ANGELINO: SarGileso rules this place! That's all I need to know.

HOST SPEAKER: That's a dangerous attitude. You'd better stay around. Let me get this straight, you hate SarGileso?

ANGELINO: Do I ever!

HOST SPEAKER: Okay, any reasons for that?

ANGELINO: He's a monster and a tyrant!

HOST SPEAKER: Oooh! You got any proof of that?

ANGELINO: I got the proof of a woman crying her eyes out because of him.

HOST SPEAKER: You're far too trusting of pretty blondes, you know that? It seems they can sweet talk you into anything. If only SarGileso could explain to you what he wants to do...

ANGELINO: Oh, I know what he wants to do! He kidnapped Buffina from her mother, didn't he?

HOST SPEAKER: Well, yes, that's true.

ANGELINO: So, where is she? Has he sacrificed her to some demon?

HOST SPEAKER: I'm afraid I'm not allowed to tell you.

ANGELINO: Oh, no. Don't get that game started again. "You have to figure it out for yourself." None of that, you hear me?

HOST SPEAKER: I promised not to let you find out yet.

ANGELINO (sighs): So when will I find out?

HOST SPEAKER: As soon as you're led by friendship into this holy brotherhood.

The Host Speaker retires further into the temple, leaving Angelino alone in anguish.

ANGELINO: This night lasts forever! When will the day come? When will I get to see the light?

VOICES: Soon, soon, or never again.

ANGELINO: Interesting choices. Can you tell me one thing, invisible ones, is Buffina even alive?

VOICES: Buffina is alive!

ANGELINO: She lives! She lives! Oh, thank you for telling me! If only it were possible. PTB, I swear I thank you so very much, from my unbeating heart.

He brings out his flute and starts playing. All sorts of animals and creatures stop and gather around him to listen. As soon as he stops playing, they run away again. Birds sing with his flute.

ANGELINO: You really have some strong magic, pal. Even the wild animals are happy when they hear you. You *really* have some strong magic... (halts himself) But Buffina stays away! Buffina! Do you listen? Oh, it's hopeless. Where will I find you?

He plays again, and suddenly a second instrument joins him, a Pan pipe.

ANGELINO: Ah, that's Papaxander's pipe! (Plays again, and Papaxander replies) Perhaps he has seen Buffina already, perhaps she's with him and if I play the sound will lead me to her.

**********

Change of scene. Buffina and Papaxander are running through the palace.

BUFFINA AND PAPAXANDER: If we run fast and keep brave, we'll be safe from all clever and raging enemies. If only we can find Angelino, then we will be safe.

BUFFINA: Pretty brave!

PAPAXANDER: Hush! I can do better.

He plays his pipe and Angelino answers from within on his flute.

BUFFINA AND PAPAXANDER: Isn't that wonderful? Our friend Angelino hears us already! That was the sound of the flute. It'd be great if I could find him! Now, hurry up, hurry up. It'd be great!

Monospikeos suddenly shows up in front of them. He has been watching all along, playing cat-and-mouse with them.

MONOSPIKEOS (mocking them): Hurry up, hurry up! Ha! You're caught now, Slayer! Now, get me my railroad spikes and I'll show you some manners. Trying to trick me, are you? Minions, come here, tie them up for me!

BUFFINA AND PAPAXANDER: Shit, we're dead now!

The minions bring in some chains.

PAPAXANDER: Nothing to lose here! Come on now, music box, let's hear you play, at least it might make their ears ring.

He starts playing the bells. Immediately, Monospikeos and his minions start singing and dancing, hypnotised by the sound.

MONOSPIKEOS AND MINIONS: That sounds awesome! It's really pretty! La-ra-la la la! I never heard or saw anything like it! La-ra-la la la...

They dance off.

BUFFINA AND PAPAXANDER: If all good guys had bells like these, all baddies would disappear without a fight. There would be no more patrolling but all great nights at the Bronze. Nothing like friendship to take the pain away, and without it there's no happiness.

There's the sound of trumpets and drums, indicating the arrival of some very important person.

PRIESTS AND PEOPLE: Long live SarGileso! He rules!

PAPAXANDER: What does that mean? I'm getting scared here!

BUFFINA: Buddy, we're doomed! It's SarGileso himself coming!

PAPAXANDER: I wish I could turn myself into a rat like Amy and hide somewhere. Or a snail! I could be a snail and creep into my house. Why didn't I learn some useful magic when I had the chance? Come on, Buffina, what are we going to say?

BUFFINA: The truth, no matter what they think of it.

A long convoy is coming in, full of people of all shapes and sizes waving flags. SarGileso enters in a limo with four metal lions on the hood. He is returning from his patrol, followed by combat boys.

PRIESTS AND PEOPLE: Yay SarGileso! Long live SarGileso! We're happy to follow his orders. May he always be the wise guy. He's the man, we all dig SarGileso.

BUFFINA (bows her head to SarGileso): I'm afraid I've been doing some bad stuff. I tried to get away from you and my destiny. But it's not really my fault, it was that icky vampire who tried to grope me. That's the only reason I fled.

SarGileso has left the limo and sat down on a throne his people have brought in.

SARGILESO: Stop moping, dear Buffina, and don't be afraid. I know you, you don't have to tell me anything. You're in love, which is fine, but I can't let you go off on your own.

BUFFINA: But what about my mom? I have duties as a daughter, too! My mom...

SARGILESO: ...I can control. If I left you with her you'd never be happy.

BUFFINA: I love my mom! She's the one...

SARGILESO: She's a proud woman! I'm the one to lead you, I or Angelino, because she doesn't know what she's talking about!

Monospikeos enters, dragging in Angelino.

MONOSPIKEOS: Come on, you big poof! This is SarGileso, our Lord.

BUFFINA (seeing Angelino): It's he!

ANGELINO: It's she!

BUFFINA: I don't believe it!

ANGELINO: It's really she!

BUFFINA: It's really he!

ANGELINO: And I'm not dreaming!

BUFFINA AND ANGELINO: Oh, I'll hold you now like it's the last time ever.

They hurry up to each other and hug.

PRIESTS AND PEOPLE: Here they go again...

MONOSPIKEOS : How dare you? Get off her! This is going way too far! (He knocks them apart and kneels before SarGileso.) See? Kneeling at your feet, here. I want him to pay! He's completely shameless, that one! He was all planning to take the Slayer away from you, but I knew how to track him down, alright! You know me. Always vigilant...

SARGILESO: ...and always rewarded! Make sure this honourable vampire...

MONOSPIKEOS: You're such a great guy!

SARGILESO: ...is beaten up properly.

MONOSPIKEOS: What!? Whatever, I can deal with that.

SARGILESO: And give him a chip in the head.

MONOSPIKEOS: No! That is so unfair!

SARGILESO: It's my duty, so you don't have to thank me.

PRIESTS AND PEOPLE: Long live SarGileso, the unbelievably wise guy! He hands out both rewards and punishments.

SARGILESO: Take the two strangers into the examination temple, but blindfold them until they're purified.

PRIESTS AND PEOPLE: When virtue and justice rules, earth is like heaven and mortals like gods.

During the praise, Angelino and Papaxander are blindfolded and taken out. Buffina makes a move as if to stop it all, but SarGileso holds her back and hugs her.

**********