"SENTIENT SCARECROWS!" Shepard wakes up from his dream gasping and pouring sweat."Dammit! Thats what i get for watching Goosebumps past 10:30". He rises from his bed and begins his usual routine of taking his piss with a bit of morning wood. Because of this misses the bowl about 40% of the time.

He then precedes with taking a shower to clean his piss stained thighs and feet. However Shepard was not aware that his body wash had spilled all over the tub cause him to slip and slam his ass right on the floor."FUCK!" Shepard yells as he twists his ankle on the way down. So hurt and angry he quickly cleans himself and storms to the elevator.

When the elevator doors open he heads to the mess hall to get some nourishment. Garrus strolls by and stops the greet his BFMF (Best Fuckin Meatbag Friend). "Hey whats up stinky nuts?" Garrus cheerfully greets. Shepard with a looking very annoyed replies.

"Hey Gman not in the mood just let me get my fuckin rice with beans."

"Woahh someone woke up with a stick right in the pooper. Whats got you so dam emo?

"Garrus do you even know what that means?"

"No I heard it from a vid I saw last night. Its the one were three socially unacceptable kids try to get laid with females in their school. And to do so they buy alcohol to bring to a party, but on the way they have high jinks and misadventures. Ohh and there'res one with glasses and he calls himself miclovin with a fake identification pass."

"You mean SuperBad?" Garrus nods."Well that vid is amazing but once again I'm gonna get some grub.

"Well lets go" Shepard begins to limp his way towards the tables."Hey why the hell are you limping?"

"Uhh no reason just trying to see if this is an effective way to save energy while still moving around."

"Let me guess. You fell from a ladder feeding the fish in the ceiling."

"No"

"You had sex with jack and she broke your foot"

"Nope"

"You fell in the shower"

"Uhh actually i fucked Jack"

"See I fuckin knew it Shepard you can't lie to me I know you."

"Anyways lets grab that bite to eat."Garrus shrugs it off and the head to the mess table with Tali, Miranda, and Grunt

"Morning Shepard" said the cheerful Tali.

"Commander" Miss Lawson greeted

"Battlemaster" Grunt choked out from the pile of food in his mouth.

"Sup Bitches" Shepard awkwardly blurts out. Tali and Miranda Give him a dirty look while Grunt gives less than a damn and keeps scarfing down his varen meat."uhh I mean hi" Tali and Miranda quickly remembered who they were talking too as Shepard saved their ass many times and he could get away with a comment as such. Not to mention that Shepard was an awkward person that had many contradicting traits in his personality.

"Shepard tell me you wouldn't bang either one of these too"said Garrus through their super secret comm channel (1337).

"I've already screwed both of them well not really Tali I just jerked my self off with her ass through her suit."

"Ahh the old pin cushion gotta love the move."

"Hehe good one battlemaster"

"Grunt how the fuck did you acess this channel!"

"I found a map that told me were a sticky note with the channel is in the Turian's room.Grunt picks up a poorly drawn map from a desk with a point, a line, and an arrow pointing to another point. The first point says" U R here" the second says"TReSSURE". As Grunts looks over the map and finds the note on the desk beside him.

"uhh I may have dropped the ball on this one"

" What are they doing?"Asks Tali" There're whispering into their comm in a very obvious manner.

"There probably talking about us and involving sex."

"Oh shit! They spotted us.Ladies hows your food tasting?" Miranda and Tali glance at each other and the both of them stand up and leave.

"Hey out of spite wanna go eat each other out?" asks Tali.

"Lets head to my room now"

"Huh wonder why they left."said Garrus

"Maybe it's because we're in front of them whispering loud as hell."

"Or it's" Shepard returns to normal voice."Or it's that there're on their period."

"You know I think you just nailed it." replied Garrus

"Or it's because you and the Turian were fucking whispering right in their faces."Grunt snapped

"Hey! Bad Grunt Bad!" Shepard spays water in Grunts face"Now go in your room and think about what you've done"Grunt with a hint of sadness on his face slouches his way towards the elevator. Shepard scoffs scoffs"Kids these days"

"Commander" says Joker through the ships comms"we're 5 mikes from landing on Illium"

"Copy that Joker"Shepard replied.

"You know what that means!"says Garrus and Shepard slaps hands together.

"TITY BAR!" they both yell in unison.

Well guys this is my first chapter of my first story, crack fic. etc So many firsts! Please review some pointers would be very good so be gentle and be sexy.