Title: Accidents and Blessings

Author: mitfordgal

Rating: Mature

Spoilers: Everything up to "Drought Conditions" and then we veer off-canon at an alarming rate

Disclaimer: I will never be mistaken for anyone who had anything to do with "The West Wing". I simply want to play with them.

A/N: I have to thank Eleanor, the best beta and encourager anyone could have. This story is my story in so many ways and I'll try not to make it too "over-the-top".

Toby sat on the couch in his office, head in hand. How did we get here? he wondered to himself. Josh, his friend, his younger brother in all the ways that mattered was gone. He left a long time ago, Toby had to admit to himself but now Toby knew that he was not coming back. He was gone for good. He was out pursuing a dream, filled with the hope that comes from unrealized dreams, the pot of gold almost, almost within reach. Toby remembered the rush from President Bartlet's first campaign. They were not supposed to get out of New Hampshire and with each step towards election, each milestone passed unexpectantly, the euphoria grew until the inevitable explosion on Election Night. Toby winced as his hand passed over the cut on his face. It was painful to remember those days now that he felt old and tired and used up. With every scandal, with every person who left starting with Sam, with every advancement of the President's MS, he just got more and more exhausted. He didn't want to win at anything anymore. He wanted nothing except to be left alone.

Just as that thought crossed his mind, the door to his office opened. Toby almost smiled ruefully. He should have known… He looked up as C.J. passed him a towel and a glass of ice. He briefly considered using it for the purpose for which it was intended, but then decided that he liked the stinging. It reminded him that he was alive. He popped an ice cube into his mouth instead. He glanced up to catch the slight smirk on C.J.'s face and almost smiled in return… then he remembered why she was here and turned his head away.

He barely listened as C.J. said all the right platitudes. He knew that he responded correctly (no, I don't need time off, I know what's important, yes, I'll finish the President's remarks) but he could also feel the pressure of all that wasn't said building in his chest. Then C.J. said them, the magic words, the ones designed to shatter him although he does not suspect C.J. of playing with him. She's Chief of Staff, he can't remember the last time they just talked about something other than White House crap, so chances are that she's forgotten much of what she learned over their 20 year friendship. She doesn't know how not to trigger him or how to put his world back together anymore.

"Maybe you need to sit with your kids and look at his picture."

A nice idea, Toby thought. But not going to happen. He needed to make C.J. understand. He had to share this burden before he suffocated under the weight of it.

"He did this." His eyes met C.J.'s pleading for understanding. "He did this. He sat in his car in the garage, engine running and left the rest of us to pick up the pieces. Can you imagine if his kids had found him? It's Jewish tradition that the body not be left alone until it's buried so I had a lot of time to sit there and wonder why. He could have had years. So no, I don't want to look at his picture."

The tears came but he saw tears on C.J.'s face too and so he felt safe.

"Do you want some water," C.J. asked, desperate to do anything to show she cared. She had never been good with the whole "helpless" feeling. Before Toby had a chance to resond, the phone rang.

"I told Ginger to hold my calls," Toby muttered. But he got up and went to his desk anyhow.

"Yeah."

C.J. got up to leave but Toby put his hand over the receiver and gestured for her to stay. She nodded and settled back and watched Toby's face pale.

"Talia, slow down." He listened for a while and said, "Why split them up?." More listening. Then he grabbed a piece of paper and started jotting things down. "Ok, what flight? Yeah, I'll be there. I'll let you know where her school records should go. Does Michelle need anything? Ok, call me later, bye." He hung up the phone but kept staring at it.

C.J. was worried. "Toby?"

He didn't meet her eyes. "Apparently I'm going to have a houseguest."