Escape from Turbulence
Disclaimer: Konomi Takeshi owns PoT
Genre: Drama
A/N: AU. Set in high school. Warning: Shy and dramatic Fuji ahead.
There's something that I keep only to myself because I don't know what terrible things can happen if others knew. I'm in love with a boy.
I've always been silently watching Tezuka Kunimitsu. It's something that I customarily do aside from studying, tennis and photography, and aside from being with Eiji when he's not with Oishi. It's not something that I can really help especially when I'm always within a mile radius from him. The back seat gives me the most convenient place in the classroom, because nobody can see how much I look at him as I daydream and the way my expression would change when I do it...
...Except some teachers, they think I'm always distracted, which is disturbingly true somehow, particularly our homeroom teacher Hanamura.
"Fuji-kun, can you please answer the equation on the board?" Hanamura-sensei always notices. She brings my attention back. I like her because she doesn't humiliate me when I'm obviously lost and detached from her discussion.
"Yes, sensei." I don't get anxious, though. I always know how to work teachers' questions out even when my mind is filled with thoughts of Tezuka.
Everybody calls me a genius. Even Tezuka does. When I play, I think about Tezuka. I still win. When I study, I think about Tezuka. I still get high grades. The fact that I manage these things while being overwhelmed and distracted with thoughts with Tezuka is oddly incredible. Maybe I really am a genius.
Hanamura smiles at me as I finish. But her smile is too wide and her eyes are telling me that she knows something... But I'm not sure and I just ignore her. I can always deny if she confronts me one of these days. I flash my slit-eyes at Tezuka's direction halfway back to my seat. His face is too serious as usual. Handsome as usual. My heart starts to race. Walking back to my seat keeping a nonchalant attitude in front of everybody is more uncomfortable than being asked to solve a problem.
The classes end and I wait knowingly because after two minutes, Tezuka's going to walk to me and...
"Ready, Fuji? Let's head to the clubroom." Oh, that was 30 seconds early. Well he only had a few things to keep in his bag.
Tezuka and I head to the clubroom together, every day. This is one of my awaited, favourite times in school.
Inside the clubroom, everybody made noise and ruckus and some shit is starting to happen because Oishi got hot tempered when a senpai bullied Eiji. Anyway, I'm more concerned about Tezuka. His brows are meeting, and his lips are pressed tightly... I wonder what's wrong. I'm sure it's not about Oishi and the others. Should I ask him? But wait, he's still changing... I'll wait a little longer until it's obvious enough that everybody can see that he's upset. Nobody's going to suspect me that way.
"Something wrong, Tezuka-kun?" Tokugawa-buchou asked him. I fake dusting and pressing my shirt as I listen and wait for my turn.
"Inui hasn't finished the budget and ranking report yet, and the club..."
Being myself, I didn't fail to know the story.
The tennis practice starts. Even though I'm busy beating my fellow first years and second years (and some third years) in court C, I can dictate what's exactly happening in Tezuka's practice games in court B without missing a detail. While I'm pretending not to give a damn about but beating everybody, I'm silently hurting because I don't see Tezuka glance at my direction even once. The practice games ends and I'm quite sad that I didn't get a chance to talk to Tezuka the whole time. We finish shower, and we dress. Tezuka's stolid aura didn't change the whole day, as usual.
Tezuka and I walk home together. The sunset highlights Tezuka's hair and I stare longingly as the wind blows. I cast my eyes away when I realized what I've been doing. I look down and sigh. There's a bridge 50 steps ahead and maybe I should tell Tezuka and quickly jump to my death to get it all over with.
Tezuka taps my shoulder with his left hand, and thankfully, I managed not to flinch out of surprise. "Honestly, Fuji, sometimes I wonder about things you think about." He looks at me and then on the way. "Do you have a problem?"
There is a sudden whirlpool in my chest and stomach. I just don't expect him to say that he's concerned...
Shit.
My hands are getting cold. My hopes are running high. I'm about to save myself when Tezuka noticed that I haven't responded yet.
"I mean people watch you play tennis and easily tell there's more to what you show. You create a..." He thinks of a word. "Mystery."
Mystery. To him. But what am I to Tezuka Kunimitsu, really? A friend? A classmate? A teammate?
I'm going to try to be extremely rational before I completely lift my hopes up. "Are you talking about my tennis?"
"Yes." He replied crisply.
I knew it. Tennis, tennis! It's all about tennis.
"You don't seem to put your all when you play tennis. It's like you're occupied with other things, and still play brilliantly. It's just, well, mysterious."
"I'm a genius, aren't I? Ahaha..." I faked a chuckle. It's so hard to do. I made some jokes and started teasing Tezuka away from tennis like I always do until we were silent again. It's sad because apart from tennis, there's nothing more that he talks about. It's stupid because Tezuka isn't anything near amused no matter how hard I try to somehow keep a conversation apart from tennis.
I reach home and waves goodbye to him. He nods and walks away, and I go inside and watch him fade through the window.
I keep my smile. It was another day of alternating joy and sorrow.
I thought that it's not going to be healthy if I stay behaving this way. I don't like the feeling—the heartache of being physically close to but emotionally afar from Tezuka, and the restraint I put around my self whenever I'm in school—it suffocates me.
However, staying with Tezuka equally brings me the joy of being in love...
There's a school transfer paper waiting for me on my bedroom table. After a long time of contemplation, I finally have a decision. I talked with my parents about it before, but of course, they didn't know the real reason why I wanted to leave Seishun Gakuen.
I like Tezuka very much. No, I love him. But it hurts that I can't and won't do anything about it. Maybe I'm a coward. But it still won't be a successful love story otherwise. Asking for him to love me will be like asking for a miracle to happen. I know Tezuka is not going to look at me like I do to him. Tezuka's isn't like what I have become. Tezuka isn't stupid. Sooner or later he will know. Others will know. It scares me. It's a terrible feeling and I just choose to go away...
I also want to save myself from turning to . . . I don't know. I can't seem say to it so easily anymore. I don't want to be a social outcast, a creep, gay. Who would accept me, then?
When I go to Rikkai High, I can try dating girls and think they're my savior. I hope I can rescue what manhood still exists in me . . .
I put the letter in its envelope. I lay on my bed and sigh. There is a miserable feeling numbing me. I close my eyes, hoping to wake in my own peace of mind, and pray for these turbulent emotions to pass.
Owari.
Oh... but I want them to be together at the end... I'll try to think of an alternate ending. Please review.
I'll try to update my other fics also. :D