I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way than this
Pablo Neruda, Sonnet XVII
No Other Way Than This
Something is nudging at her awareness, wriggling away right at the very edge of her consciousness and Kate growls, tugging the sheets up closer around her head. It's warm here, and all she wants to do is let the tide of sleep wash over her, drag her back down to the depths. She got home late last night, had to stay at the office until an obscene hour so she could make sure nothing would come up to interrupt her today. It'll be worth it, to enjoy a whole day without work hanging over her, but she's not ready to be awake just yet.
There's another noise, something crashing and a yelp, and she groans. Kate sits up in bed and scrubs a hand over her face, mouth opening wide on a yawn. The strap of her tank top falls down and she tugs it back up her shoulder, drawing her knees up close to her chest and curling her toes in the sheets.
The bedroom door comes open, but it's not one of the kids that pokes their head around to see if she's awake yet. Instead her husband nudges his way inside the room backwards, both hands full with a tray, and the smell off coffee rolls towards her.
"Mm, morning," she hums as he turns around to face her, his hair rumpled and fluffy. It's greying rapidly now, the initial bloom at his temples unspooling across the rest of his head, and more than once she's caught him studying himself in the mirror and frowning.
She wishes he wouldn't. The silver fox thing, cliche as it may be, really does it for her. He does it for her, and she hates to see him insecure about the way he's ageing, worried that Kate will stop finding him attractive. Even after so many years, the notion still seems impossible to her.
Castle sets the breakfast tray down on her nightstand and comes to sit at her hip, leaning in to dust a kiss to her lips. She can taste the coffee on him and she lifts her chin, touches her tongue to the corner of his mouth. He opens for her and she sighs, brings a hand up to curl around the back of his neck.
When they peel apart his forehead meets hers and he smiles, soft and somnolent. The new blinds they got last year don't let very much light in, but there's enough spilling through the door that she can see the fissures around his eyes and mouth, lines like a network of rivers that run full-bodied and rich with joy.
"Good morning, Mrs Castle. You sleep okay?"
"I slept great," she says, lacing her arms around his neck and tugging him back in for another swift kiss. "You made me breakfast. Thank you."
He shrugs, wriggling back until she has enough space to reach for the tray and set it down on top of her lap. "Of course I did. It's tradition."
"The kids up yet?" she asks, popping a strawberry into her mouth and relishing the immediate burst of sweetness.
Her husband grins and climbs over her legs to settle in at her side instead, one hand coming to curl around her thigh and squeeze gently. Kate lets herself fall sideways until her temple rests against his shoulder, both arms wrapping around his and the breakfast tray momentarily forgotten in her lap. "Flynn's up. I think he said he wanted to catch up on some reading before things get crazy later. The other two are still sacked out."
"Well, it's early," Kate hums, turning her head to brush a kiss to the inside of his bicep, the soft skin there. "And Archer got in late."
"Not as late as you," Castle huffs, his mouth warm at the crown of her head. Straightening up a little, Kate refocuses her attention on the food in front of her, making sure to eat the pancakes her husband made before they get cold. Last night when she got home and went upstairs to check on their kids, something unknotted and came loose in her chest at the sight of all three of them safe in their beds.
It's only been a handful of months since her eldest baby left for college, and she still feelings the gaping hole of his absence, has to skirt the jagged edges so they can't slice her open. "Yeah, but he's in college now babe. He hasn't had almost thirty years experience in surviving on minimal sleep. I don't think I can sleep in if I try anymore."
"I bet you could," he says slowly, face transforming into something close to a leer. It looks sort of ridiculous on him now, time having worn away the sharp edges of his face so that she would no longer describe him as rugged. Still handsome - beautiful, really - but not so boyish anymore. "If I thoroughly wore you out."
"Mm, maybe in five years when we're empty nesters," she laughs, touching a fingertip to the end of his nose. He shivers, capturing the digit between his teeth for a second before he lets her go again. "Do you want some of this?"
Shaking his head, Castle burrows his way underneath the covers and turns to look at her, propping his head up in one hand. "Nah. I ate while I was cooking. It's all yours. In fact, I'm gonna shower while you finish up."
"No," she blurts, reaching for him and circling his wrist in her fingers. It's so silly, so adolescent, but she wants to keep him close today. "Stay with me? And then we can share a shower."
"Sure," he says easily, playing with the fingers of her free hand as she finishes her breakfast. He traces swirling patterns onto her palm, shifts down to feel the soft thread of her pulse in her wrist. After she's done eating Kate climbs out of bed and waits for him to follow before she heads for their attached bathroom and the lovely, scalding pressure of the shower jets.
"Morning Mom," her youngest son greets her from his place at the kitchen island, setting his book down to come around the counter and hug her. "Happy anniversary."
Kate lets her eyes slip closed, her face buried against her son's neck for just a moment. Both of her boys are a good head taller than her - Archer overtook his father a few months ago to Castle's eternal consternation - and it breaks her heart a little to see them towering above her. She can still remember so clearly the way the two of them used to crash into her legs when she got home, tugging on the material of her pants to get her to go with them and see a painting or a Lego creation they'd been working on.
"Thanks, bud. You had breakfast?"
Her son nods, gestures towards the dishes stacked next to the sink and waiting to be rinsed. "Uh-huh. Dad made pancakes for me, too."
"Not your siblings?" Kate laughs, wrapping an arm around her son's shoulders and bringing him with her, settling onto the bar stool he just vacated and waiting for him to sit. Flynn slots a bookmark inside the novel he was reading to mark the page, spinning on his stool to face her.
"He said I got pancake privileges because I was the only one awake at a decent hour."
Kate laughs, rolling her eyes a little. Before their kids were born her husband used to sleep as late as he could get away with, his body vast and unmoving in their bed. And then Archer was born, and for the next decade they had to snatch sleep where they could, always being dragged out of bed at some ungodly time in the morning.
These days, Castle delights in rousing their ferociously grumpy teenagers, gloating that it's time for payback. "I'm sure he'll make them some breakfast whenever they get up."
"Actually," Flynn says, scratching the edge of his jaw. "Dad said we've got a lot to get done this morning, so if Archer and Lennon want breakfast they'll have to make it themselves."
"Well, he's right," Kate admits, twisting her damp hair into a rope and laying it over one shoulder. They're hosting a collection of close friends and family this afternoon, and although it's going to be pretty informal there's still a lot of preparation to do.
Her son laughs, standing up from the stool and gathering his book close to his chest. "I'm gonna go see if Arch is up yet. I wanna know how his first semester is going."
"Okay honey," Kate snags her son on his way past and presses a smacking kiss to his cheek. He groans, brings a hand up to wipe away the touch of her mouth, but she doesn't miss the pleased little smile as he turns away.
Her two youngest pass each other on the stairs, Lennon on her way down, and Kate's daughter comes right in to her mother's embrace. Her head nestles underneath Beckett's chin, skinny arms tight around her waist and Kate breathes a sigh of contentment.
They had thought they were done, she and Castle. Two boys, only a year between them, and she was past forty when the niggling sensation started at the base of her skull. For weeks she ignored it, blamed the symptoms on stress, and then Castle made her take a test to rule out the ridiculous possibility and here they are. Only thirteen, her baby girl. Still a sweet and innocent little thing, so eager to spend time with her mother.
Kate is bracing herself for the inevitable arguing, all the things that Lennon will grow to hate about her parents, but for now she's grateful for each day with the little girl who still thinks her mother is a superhero. "Good morning, sweet girl. How'd you sleep?"
"Good," Lennon grins, stepping away from their embrace and sliding up on to the bar stool her brother was just occupying. "I didn't hear Arch come in. Is he here?"
"Yep," Kate nods, brushing her fingers through the spill of her daughter's hair. It falls pin straight, none of her mother's natural curl, and Kate knows that Lennon is the envy of all of her friends. "He got home before I did, actually."
Her daughter sighs, shaking her head and standing up from the stool to grab a juice carton from the refrigerator and pour herself a glass. "You're always so late, Momma. I missed you."
"I know baby. I'm sorry," Kate sighs, rotating her head on her neck. There's a knot at the very top of her spine that's been driving her crazy for weeks now, and even Castle hasn't been able to get the tension to release. "I'm trying to cut back."
"It's okay. I know your job is super important. You help so many people."
Kate slips out of her seat and comes to join her daughter, wrapping her up in another hug and pressing a kiss to her temple. "I do help people, you're right. But you and your brothers and Alexis and Dad come first, okay? My family is more important than my job."
"I love you, Mom," her baby girl whispers, arms sliding around Kate's middle and squeezing tight. Eyes closed, Kate hears her husband's footsteps and then he captures them both in his embrace. With her ear next to her husband's throat, she hears the gruff of emotion, feels him swallow hard.
"My girls," he murmurs, his mouth settling against the crown of their daughter's head. When he lets them go he smiles, forces some happiness back into the room, and Kate is so grateful for the way he always manages to dispel her melancholy, never lets her get maudlin. "Are you excited for today, Len?"
Their daughter beams, looks almost ready to jump up and down in her excitement. "I can't wait! Is Sarah Grace coming?"
"Uncle Kevin said she might be able to make it, yes," Castle says, shooting an amused glance at Kate over the top of their little girl's head. Lennon has always adored the Ryans' daughter, and even though Sarah Grace is almost eight years older the feeling is definitely mutual.
The boys come thundering down the stairs, jostling each other out of the way and half-falling into the kitchen, and Kate takes a step back to let them roughhouse their way to the refrigerator. Castle follows close behind, swatting ineffectively to keep them away from the food for later, and Kate leans a hip against the counter and presses two fingers to her smile, watching in tender adoration as her daughter joins the fray as well.
By the time everyone's finished eating and the kids have taken over the PlayStation in Castle's office, Kate finds herself almost trembling with anxiety. All of the people she loves most in the world are here, and she has to make an announcement. She and her husband have been discussing it for months, and now that they've got everybody in one room Kate has to be brave and tell them.
She finds herself gravitating towards her husband, sliding her hand in to his and listening to his conversation with Ryan. It wraps up quickly - because of her - and then Kevin excuses herself and leaves her with Castle.
"You okay?" he hums, leaning in to brush his mouth against the shell of her ear. "Good day?"
Kate nods, glancing around them at all of their guests. This family she has now, all of the love that surrounds her, all of it is because of him. Her husband, and Kate winds her arms around his neck and holds him close, kissing the scruff at his cheek. "The best day. The best twenty years. You make me so happy."
"I love you," he murmurs to her, stealing a soft kiss from her mouth. "Are you ready?"
"Yeah."
"I'll get the kids," he says, stepping away from her and disappearing into his office for a moment to call through to everybody. Their loved ones assemble in the living room, spilling over into one another's laps, and Kate sits in the armchair with her husband standing at her side, one hand curled around her shoulder.
She swallows, draws a deep breath and steeples her fingers together, scans the room slowly. It's not like she's never had to face a crowd before, never made speeches, but it's different when every one of the people she's talking to is somebody she loves.
"Hey, everyone. First of all I want to say thank you all for coming to celebrate with us today. You've made it so special." A murmur of agreement ripples through the room, and she waits for it to subside before she continues. "Castle and I wanted to take this opportunity, while you're all here together, to make an announcement."
"Oh my god, Mom, are you gonna run for president?" Archer blurts out, exchanging an alarmed glance with Flynn. And then everybody's talking over each other, Lennon staring at her father wide eyed, and Kate's own father looks like he's about two seconds away from getting up and storming off.
"Guys!" she cuts in, voice sharp enough that immediate silence scatters in its wake. "No, I'm not running for president. Actually. . .I'm retiring."
Stunned disbelief holds everyone in the room frozen for a long moment, and then Lennon crosses the room and flings her arms around her mother, falling half in to her lap. "You are?"
"I am, baby."
"Oh, Momma, I'm so glad."
Her sons appear on either side of her and Kate stands, collects all three of her kids into a tight hug. Castle's hand settles low down at her spine, his thumb stroking back and forth, and she lets out a shaky breath like coming down from a crying jag.
"Katie honey," her dad says, and she pulls away from the family embrace to look at him. "You're retiring? You love your job."
"I do love my job," she nods, sinking to sit on the arm of the chair. "But I've been doing it for such a long time. I'm tired of the long hours and the stress and not making it home in time for dinner. I still fully intend to do things that will make a difference, to help people, but I want to do it on my own terms."
Her dad stands and moves to hug her, rocking her a little as if she's his baby girl once again. "I'm so proud of you, sweetheart."
"Thanks, Dad," she breathes, blinking hard to dispel the scald of tears.
A little hand tugs at hers and Kate glances down to see Alexis' daughter, crouches until she can meet the girl's eyes. "Gram, now can you come with Grampa to my recital?"
"Of course I can," she beams, squeezing her granddaughter until the little girl erupts into piercing giggles and fights her way free, scampers off to bury her face in Alexis' shoulder.
When Kate straightens, her husband tucks the spill of her hair behind her ear, leaves his hand at her cheek as he leans in to press a kiss to her mouth. "You're amazing, do you know that?"
"You're not so bad yourself, Castle," she smirks, letting it blossom into a real smile and brushing her nose against his. Their family is already loud again, everybody having fun together, and Kate is so full of gratitude she has to fist a hand in her husband's shirt just to stay standing. "Here's to twenty more years."
A/N: Four years ago, I began writing for Castle, and I've had the amazing experience of becoming friends with so many really wonderful people in that time. I've grown as a writer and as a person, and I'm incredibly grateful to everybody who takes the time to read my writing and review or favourite or tweet about it. Your kind words are so humbling, and I feel so blessed.