A/N: Alright so I put this idea on twitter and was asked to write it... so here it is. I've also got a prompt for 4x19 and also Jay's dad based off the Med promo. I've half written the dad one and will re watch 19 to write that prompt to.
While of course not forgetting about Fate... and I'll stop putting off Jay's list of fantasies. lol
Not busy at all... lol
If only you knew
Erin POV
The first feeling when I wake is that of loneliness. Jay's side of the bed is still empty and cold, his scent no longer lingering to provide any comfort.
I groan when a sickly sweet taste coats my mouth and my stomach turns, I run towards the bathroom just in time to violently heave into the toilet.
I blindly tie my hair back to keep it clean, reaching for toilet paper to wipe my mouth before sitting back onto the cool tiles feeling faint.
Once the toilet is flushed I stand up to reach for my toothbrush, while cleaning my teeth I dig around in the cabinet for ibuprofen when I see my tampons.
My heart stops for a moment and my toothbrush drops into the sink.
"No." I race for my phone and bring up the calendar, counting the weeks back to my last period.
"Oh god." Tears spring to my eyes, shock hitting my system and leaving me motionless.
I'm snapped to reality when my stomach churns again, I make it to the toilet just in time.
"Crap." I sit back on the tiles and will myself to hold the tears in, at least until I can confirm.
Everyone can tell I've been nervous and on edge all day, they keep exchanging looks with each other and I can see the pity in their eyes.
Jay's blue eyes keep flickering to me concerned, I look away still upset he left.
I can understand he's going through something, but he never let me use that excuse. I thought we were past that.
My willingness to forgive his lies about his wife, left with him the night he packed a bag and walked out of our apartment.
He left me alone to stew on the fact he married someone and never told me. Anger consumed me when I realized I was going to forgive him without an apology. Only for him to walk out because he decided his issues are too much for me.
My hormones have been in overdrive these past few weeks since our conversation in the break room about needing time. Whenever the conversation shifts personal between Jay and I, tears threaten to spill and I need to leave the room.
When he tried to let me know about his PTSD support group, it took all my strength to face him again.
"You okay Erin?" Jay finally asks when I'm gathering my coat so we can go interview a witness.
"Yeah, fine." My tone is husky, leaving no room for further conversation.
I nervously look to my office drawer where I've hidden a pregnancy test, my body is screaming at me to find out sooner rather than later but my heart wanting ignorance a little longer.
I toss my keys onto the table, before locking my gun away and making my way to the kitchen.
Out of habit I open the fridge and pull out a beer, once the lid is off reality hits and I move to pour it down the sink.
I snatch the bag with the pregnancy test hidden inside up off the bench, making my way into the bathroom to find out what my life holds for me going forward.
My hands shake as I open the box and read the instructions, despite the fact it's relatively simple.
Pretending it's complex and requires brainpower distracts me from the weight of the situation.
I sit the test on the basin and set the timer on my phone, knowing that in a few short moments my life could be changed forever.
I jump suddenly when my phone rings, Jay's name flashes on the screen and I hit decline wondering if this is a sign.
My phone dings altering me of a voicemail and I play it back, knowing once I've heard his message I'll know if I'm carrying his child.
"Hey Erin… look I just-uh I want to make sure you're okay. I know we're having time, but you seemed off today. Like you could use someone to talk to. Call me if you need anything, okay? Love y-" He curses at the end of the message and my heart clenches at the familiarity of the words he was about to say.
We were so use to uttering the words to each other that it's been one of the hardest things to come to terms with.
A mixture of feelings swirl inside me when I see the positive sign on the pregnancy test.
Happiness.
Dread.
Hope.
Sadness.
Fear.
The mix of the feelings overwhelming me, tears streaming down my face. I wipe them away with a small laugh, unsure how I feel about this.
Fear is the most prominent emotion. Fear I won't be a good mum, that I'll screw my child up like Bunny did me. Fear that something will happen to the baby I already love.
Fear of what this means for Jay and I.
I've never thought about having kids, owed to a combination of Bunny being my example and the dangers and demand of my job.
Knowing Jay wants a family has been in the back of my mind since we moved in together, I figured I would get use to the idea and one day it might happen.
I didn't expect us to be apart when this happened, I didn't expect to be alone.
"Okay, we have your results here. You're definitely pregnant Erin." Relief washes over me at my doctor's words, confusing me.
I expected more shock or fear but all I can feel is relief she hasn't taken this away from me.
I've been up all night, subconsciously terrified this baby would be another thing taken away from me.
A false positive on a pregnancy stick would be the last in the long line of things the world is testing me with.
"We'll go ahead and set up an ultrasound, I assume you'll want the father here?" She brings me back to reality and I cover my mouth with a hand.
"Yeah." I finally whisper, unsure of how to tell Jay.
"Hank, can I have a sec?" He nods at me and I enter his office, closing the door securely behind me.
"What's up?"
"I'd like to stay behind the desk for a bit if that's okay." Hank frowns at me confused.
"I can swap partners if you want. Or say the word and Jay's gone." He offers assuming Jay is the reason.
"No, Hank. It's not that. I just… I wouldn't be good to anyone out there right now. I've got a lot on my plate." I clear my throat nervously.
"Okay… but get your head clear and back in the game or Jay will be out." His threat lands on me and I raise my eyebrows.
"Okay." I nod at him.
"Don't let this be another banana peel for you Erin. We don't need you disappearing down that road again."
"Hank, I'm not. I won't." My voice is fierce, my hazel eyes piercing.
The buzzing of my phone draws my attention away from my computer screen, I look over at Jay guiltily when I see the caller ID.
I pick it up and walk into the locker room, keeping my voice quiet.
"Erin Lindsay."
"Ms Lindsay, This is Charlotte from Doctor Baxter's office. Just calling to confirm you appointment tomorrow?"
"Um, sorry. Works crazy right now. Can I push it?" I rub my forehead, stressed out.
"I see here you have already pushed it, it's been a week since your initial appointment. It's important we see you soon so we can determine your due date." Her tone is friendly, but pressing.
"I know. Can we just push it a day?" Guilt eats away at me and I promise myself I'll tell Jay.
Everyone sends me a suspicious glance as I walk back to my desk, tiredly rubbing my eyes.
I slam my phone down, frustrated with their glances over the past weeks. Their eyes judging and analyzing my every move.
I'm aware I look sick and pale, always tired and exhausted and sitting on the sidelines. I've taken myself out of the field and their looks have increased since that decision, they look at me like they think I've slipped again.
My hazel eyes meet Jay's, his blue gaze full of concern.
I'm struggling to listen to the case update, perched on the edge of my desk and swallowing harshly.
I try for some deep and discreet breaths, trying to keep the nausea at bay.
As soon as Ruzek is done speaking I excuse myself and rush off to the locker room, only just making it to the trash can.
"You look like shit." I glare at Trudy's voice, before peering up at her holding paper towel. My glare softens as I accept this.
"Thanks." I move over to the sink to wash my mouth out.
"I thought pregnancy was supposed to make you glow." Shock floors me, my mouth dropping as I stare at her through the mirror.
"What? How'd you know?"
"There's no way you'd slip again, not when you're waiting on boy genius to work out how stupid he's being and come crawling back."
"Trudy." I whisper.
"I know he's going through stuff Erin, I just am holding it against him for walking out. That's all. I look after my girl." Tears spring to my eyes and I curse my hormones.
"Thanks… everyone else is looking at me like I'm a drunk mess again." My tone is thick with hurt.
"Yeah. When are you going to tell Jay?"
"I don't know." I shrug honestly.
"Well, I've got you some saltines and ginger ale." She passes me the bag she's holding.
"Thanks Sarge. I'm so out of my depth here."
"You'll get there. Especially once the father knows and can offer support."
"Subtle." I chuckle at her.
"Erin, go home." Hank's voice is gruff as he sticks his head in the locker room.
"Why?"
"You're clearly sick. I've seen the signs before and I won't have you around here like this again. Go home." His eyes show disappointment in me and I can't stop the tears stinging my eyes.
"Hank, it's not-"
"Don't Trudy." I whisper, interrupting her before following Hank out angrily. I snatch my coat and phone up and leave the district quickly.
"Jay, what are you doing here?" He's standing in the doorway with his hands in his pockets.
"Just wanted to check on you." He shrugs, blue eyes gentle.
"It's late and I'm tired. Can this wait?" Tears already want to appear and I take a deep breath, composing myself.
"You're always tired lately." His hands move from his pockets.
"What is that supposed to mean?" I fire back.
"It's killing me Erin. Watching you slip, for weeks I've watched you go down hill and the guilt is eating away at me. I want to reach out but I don't know how when it's my fault. Please Erin, I didn't mean for this to happen." Guilt is written on his face, his tone pleading and apologetic.
"Unbelievable. You think I'm partying a little too hard again? Is that the only explanation you all can come up with?" My hazel eyes are full of fire.
"Erin, you're sick at work, you look pale and tired… it's been hell watching it. It's like before… you're distant with everyone."
"Because they think I fell off the wagon again!" I shout back, anger coursing through me.
"And you're not?" Jay fires back.
"No!"
"Then what?"
"I'm pregnant, you idiot!" The words tumble out and hit Jay like a slap in the face.
"What?" He breathes the word out so quiet, I wouldn't have heard it if we weren't already deathly quiet.
A/N: I know, I'm so mean. But if you want to read more you know what to do ;) Leave a review and let me know :)