Kurt was there on that staircase the first day they met. He was there on the day they first kissed; all soft lips and tongues. He was there the first time they argued at Scandals. He was there the first night they made love and whispered sweet, soft nothings into each other's skin. And he was there when they bought their first flat together in New York. Of course, he was there because without him, none of those things would have happened and he wouldn't be living with the love of his life in a world where his dreams are coming true.
However, Kurt was also there when the love of his life was told that he only had 3 months to live. Blaine had been losing a lot of weight for no apparent reason and getting pains and mysterious sickness bugs for quite a while. It had started when Blaine first moved in and so they had both blamed it on the new surroundings and different food. However, as time went on the illnesses and weight loss got worse and finally, nearly a year later, they decided to go to the doctors. They had performed tests for diabetes which had come back positive, so Blaine was given an insulin injection. Kurt went through all the emergency training, and learnt what to do if something went wrong. They planned meal times so carefully and Kurt became set on making Blaine healthy again. Yet, he waited and waited and watched as Blaine didn't get any better. They returned and the doctors performed yet more tests which were inconclusive. Blaine had become so weak during those months that some days he could barely walk to get the mail; he had to pull out of NYADA because he couldn't cope with the regime anymore. Blaine became someone who was simply surviving and trying to find a way to keep going. Kurt watched as the beautiful strong man he loved turned into a skeleton without any known reason. Finally, nearly 3 months after the tests had been sent off for further analysis they were called in. Kurt had been hoping for a cure, a reason that could be fixed. He had not been expecting the truth.
When Blaine heard he had pancreatic cancer he just shrugged and leant against Kurt for support. Kurt knocked him off and shouted; he yelled for all his mistakes and the doctors mistakes and he yelled because nobody could save his Blaine anymore. Blaine was going to leave him and Kurt didn't know what to do. Blaine had watched as Kurt freaked out at the doctors because he knew there was nothing he could do. It hadn't sunk in for Blaine, maybe it would hit him later but right now he wanted to sleep and Kurt turned around and could see it in his eyes. The beautiful brown hazel eyes that had captured him on that staircase now had a yellow tinge to them, and rarely stopped looking tired. Kurt counted back from ten and went over to Blaine. He wrapped his arms around him and sat quietly as the Doctors spoke at them both. They talked about end of life plans and what would happen as it got closer. Kurt nodded and made notes on his phones because he didn't think he would ever remember any of it. Blaine also nodded at the right time, but he seemed more interested than Kurt. He wanted to know if it would hurt, and would Kurt be able to make choices for him. Kurt didn't want to hear any of this; not now, not ever.
Half an hour later, they left the hospital and returned to their flat on Upper West Side. Blaine held Kurt's hand all the way up the stairs that Blaine still insisted on taking despite the fact that there was a lift available. He only let go to allow Kurt to open the door. When they were inside Kurt took a deep breath to brace himself for the conversation and turned to look at Blaine but Blaine had already started to walk away to their bedroom.
"Are we going to talk about this?" Kurt asked calmly causing Blaine to turn around. Their eyes met and Kurt's heart broke when he saw the defeated look in his boyfriend's eyes.
"Kurt, there isn't much to talk about. I am going to die and-"
"No. No don't say it." Kurt raised his voice slightly and pointed his finger at Blaine. Blaine smiled in a way that didn't reach his eyes.
"Say what, Kurt? That I am going to die? Because I am, you know? We can either deny it and carry on until it happens or we can accept it is going to and carry on. Right now, I want to go to bed, so goodnight." Blaine's voice was sharp and edged with a bitterness that made Kurt flinch. When did his happy go lucky boyfriend turn so angry? Oh, that's right, when he got cancer.
"Blaine Anderson, you come back here right now because I need to talk about this even if you don't." Kurt's voice cracked as he spoke and he was only that noise which encouraged Blaine to turn back around again.
"You might need to talk about it and we will and then you can mourn me before I am even gone." Kurt's eyes widened at the statement but didn't say anything, "But please love, let me sleep for just a few hours. That's all I ask." Blaine looked so destroyed and so tired that all Kurt could do was nod and let him go.
Kurt was left by himself in an apartment that had once promised hope and a future together but was now filled with so many memories of late nights by the toilet bowl with Blaine as he threw up their dinner. Kurt wanted his life back, the one they had been promised when they were 18. He crawled onto the sofa and considered the fact that maybe he should ring his Dad or Rachel or one of the other people who need to know about Blaine's situation. Yet, right now all he wanted was to curl up on their sofa and cry. So he did. He brought a cushion to his chest and buried his face and cried because Blaine was really sick and he wasn't going to get better. Eventually the tears turned into snores as the flat was quiet for a while.
Kurt was dreaming of running down a dark corridor searching for Blaine when he was woken by a retching sound coming from their bathroom. He wiped his eyes and ran into the room, to find Blaine heaving into the toilet with tears running down his cheeks. Kurt slowly walked over and started to rub his hand along Blaine's back feeling every vertebra as went. He carried on until Blaine was done gagging up the contents of his stomach.
"Sorry for yelling." Kurt heard Blaine whisper as he sat up slowly.
"Oh baby," Kurt wandered over to the sink and grabbed a flannel to wipe the vomit off Blaine's chin, ''Don't be sorry. I was being unreasonable anyway. It- it was just a lot to deal with okay? Still is, but I promise I won't get mad again." Kurt slowly wiped away the sick and rinsed out the cloth again.
"You should go now, before I die. You can get over me. I'll be okay. It's not like I have long to miss you anyway." Blaine laughed cynically as he pushed Kurt's hand away from his face. Kurt could not believe that Blaine was suggesting such a thing and stepped back slightly. He tried to stop the tears from coming but they fell anyway. The room remained silent until a broken sob came from Kurt's mouth and Blaine's head snapped up. "Kurt, please don't cry" He hurried forward and tried to wipe away the tears but Kurt simply took another step back.
"Blaine. I can't- I just-You can be so cruel, you know? I want to be here until the end, okay? I am never going to get over you. I am so fucking angry that you are being taken away from me so soon. I was ready to spend the rest of my life with you; to get married, have kids, and grow old together. Now, you are suggesting that the few months I have left with-" Kurt stopped and wiped at his tears before another sob wracked his body, "the love of my life I spend with someone else? No, Blaine. You're stuck with me." And Kurt turned to walk away and out of the situation before he did something he regretted. Footsteps followed him but he just kept walking into their kitchen and got out a mug.
"Kurt…stop. Please. I didn't mean it." Blaine was crying as well now. "It's just I love you so freaking much and I hate the fact that I am hurting you. I don't want you to leave, never did." Blaine was sobbing as Kurt carried on pulling mugs out of the cupboard until there was a line of nearly 25 on the unit. He picked up one and handed it to Blaine.
"Follow my lead." He said and then smashed the mug on the lino floor. Blaine stopped crying and looked at the pieces on the floor before looking back up at Kurt.
"Wha-?"
"I figured we both had a lot of anger, so let's smash some mugs." Kurt shrugged and grabbed another mug and smashed it. Kurt saw the spark light up in Blaine's eyes before he smashed the mug in his own hand down on the floor. Very soon they were smashing mugs everywhere; Kurt walked out into the living room and smashed a mug in there and Blaine smashed one in their bedroom. They yelled things as they smashed; stupid things, angry things that they would never mention again. They enjoyed the brief relief of destroying something else before you were destroyed yourself. They smashed all the mugs and then when all the mugs had gone they moved onto plates, the bowls and soon they were just throwing anything they could find at the floor.
When Kurt felt like he had run out of energy he stopped and turned to look at Blaine. Blaine was still yelling and throwing things and Kurt smiled at him. As soon as Blaine realised Kurt had stopped, he also stopped and turned to look at him. They both stood, in amongst shards of plates and mugs smiling like mad men at each other. Maybe it wasn't going to be okay and never would be, but they could survive this bit at least, and Kurt would deal with the aftermath later. Blaine surged forward and shuffled his way through the sharp pieces on the floor and kissed Kurt on the lips softly before laughing and stepping backwards.
"Thank you." Blaine said as he looked at the mess that was all over the apartment floor.
"Let's go to bed. We can deal with this tomorrow." Kurt said before grabbing Blaine's hand. That night the made love for the millionth time and curled around each in the dark.
Over the following weeks, Blaine got worse. He struggled to walk around the block without fainting and there were days where he would just lie in bed all day and whimper quietly. Kurt had given up his role in Wicked with the promise of being able to play Fiyero at a different time. The rehearsals had meant he barely saw Blaine and he was no longer sure what he would find when he got home so he figured the last weeks should be for only Blaine. They had been back to the doctors to discuss treatment, but Blaine had pointedly said he only wanted painkillers because if he was going to die he didn't want to hang around on borrowed time. Kurt had argued and they had gotten angry again but finally they had both agreed that Blaine knew what he wanted. Some nights, Kurt would feel wet tears on his shoulder as Blaine cried. When that happened he just held Blaine a little closer and whispered reassuring words into his skin.
They had told family and friends a week after the diagnosis but had asked for now flowers or sympathy of any kind because neither of them wanted that kind of event. Blaine's mother and father had offered to come down for the next few months but Blaine had very quickly said that no, they weren't needed but he would still like to see them. Dates had been set for final meetings before the end of the three months and Blaine was satisfied with the way things were going. He was relying increasingly in painkillers to act normal on a daily basis so was often out of it for large periods of time. When that happened Kurt would look through old photos and cry a little but like Blaine said he wouldn't mourn him before he was gone. Kurt tried to stay busy and started to design some clothes; a few dresses and suits. Nothing spectacular, but when he showed Blaine, he looked just a little happier, as if Kurt's creativity made the pain a little more bearable.
Kurt watched as people visited and tried to look cheerful. Blaine would laugh at them later when they were by themselves again and Kurt would smile and nod because in all honesty he was having a hard time being cheerful for Blaine as well.
One day, they were curled up in bed when Blaine spoke very suddenly. "I'm sorry I never married you."
"Blaine." Kurt warned. They had avoided talking about what might have been because Kurt couldn't bear to think about it and Blaine just thought it was a bit ironic.
"I am though. Just thought you should know." Blaine smiled at him and turned back to the TV programme they were watching. Kurt nodded and thought about all that being married meant. It meant forever, and that was one thing they didn't have. They had Blaine's forever though, which might only be a couple of weeks, but it was still a forever.
"We still could." Kurt suggested and Blaine turned to look at him. Blaine laughed a little and smiled at his boyfriend.
"I don't think so. It would be very depressing being married to a dead man." And Blaine carried on watching TV again. Kurt felt his eyes well up and the tears fall. His chest started to heave and Blaine just carried on whilst holding Kurt a little closer. They always did when the other one started crying. If they tried to comfort each other it only got worse and so they left it. It was just another way of coping.
Blaine got worse very suddenly on a cold February night, a week before Valentine's day. They had spent the day shopping on Fifth Avenue. The day had been tiring and Blaine had been struggling to keep going whilst Kurt tried or various outfits. Blaine's brave face had stayed on nearly the whole time Kurt could see him but when he wasn't looking it fell down just a little and Kurt saw once and he knew that Blaine just wasn't going to be around forever. It hit him hard and Kurt had to go back into the changing room and catch his breath because Blaine was actually leaving him.
During the night Blaine had been moving a lot until he had sat up and started to throw up. Kurt had rubbed his back and moved his hair away from his eyes. Then Blaine started to turn very pale and clammy and his whole body shook. Kurt noticed that there was blood dripping from the corner of his mouth and Kurt's heart raced. He ran over to the phone and called 911 whilst still trying to find a way to calm Blaine down. Blaine was shivering but his temperature was very high and Kurt didn't know what to do. The operator on the phone was asking him questions which he answered calmly and she quickly told him that an ambulance was on its way.
"Blaine? Can you hear me?" Kurt asked as he searched around the room to find something that might come in handy.
"Kurt..'ore and col'" Blaine slurred as he spoke and Kurt could barely look at the man in their bed.
"Sore and cold? Okay, let me go get you some blankets and a towel." Kurt was remaining remarkably calm as he looked in the cupboard for something to warm Blaine up. He found an old blanket that was the first thing they bought together when they moved in but Kurt had no time to think of that as he wrapped it around Blaine.
"Love 'ou" Blaine's voice broke through the strange silence and Kurt looked at Blaine and saw that maybe that was the last time he would ever hear those words. He kept the phone balanced between his ear and shoulder and pulled Blaine into his lap. He was so light Kurt wasn't sure whether all his weight was on him but Kurt just pulled him in tighter and pressed soft kisses on his neck. They sat like that with Kurt wrapped around Blaine in the darkness of their home until the paramedics arrived and whisked Blaine away. Kurt stood and watched as they connected Blaine up to various monitors and needles and saw as the love his life was put under sedation. It was surreal; as if Kurt was watching it on TV not in his own bedroom. The medics lifted Blaine onto a stretcher and wheeled him out and into a lift. Kurt drifted behind them in a dream-like state, unsure of where they were going but just knowing that he had to stay with Blaine. He gripped on the skeletal hand of his boyfriend the whole journey and refused to let go even when the medics needs to move a monitor stating that Blaine had two hands and this one was his.
At the hospital, Kurt lost sight of Blaine for the first time in nearly a month. Blaine was whisked away to an emergency room and Kurt was left standing in the middle of a hospital corridor with a brain that was finally catching up and an empty hand. He broke down, and an on-duty nurse moved him into a waiting room and fetched him a glass of water. No doubt she had seen hundreds on breakdowns, but this was Kurt's Blaine, surely he was more important than the rest but no. He was just another cancer victim.
The hours that followed were slow and Kurt called everyone to tell them that they were in the hospital and yes, he was fine and no, he didn't any help. It was a lie but Kurt didn't want to drag anyone else into this mess more than they needed to be. Blaine's parents were away so couldn't come to the hospital anyway and Burt was in Ohio and wouldn't be able to make it until lunchtime the next day anyway.
Finally, a doctor came out and spoke to Kurt and explained that Blaine was in a highly critical condition and that Kurt should prepare for the worse. The response the doctor got was a nod and an urgent demand to see Blaine. They walked along a corridor and into a room filled with monitors and wires all of which were connected to a small man in the centre of the bed. Kurt looked and took in the IVs. There were at least 5, no doubt all containing medicines that were the only things currently keeping Blaine alive.
"I'll leave you alone." The doctor said from behind Kurt before walking away. Kurt was left in a room with his boyfriend who had the audacity to go and get cancer and is about to leave him behind. The room was large, and Kurt could see the benefits of Blaine's wealthy background. There was small bed to the right designed for visitors to sleep on. The lamp next to Blaine's bed shined brightly around the whole room and cast an eerie shadow across the man in the bed. Kurt walked closer and took Blaine's hand. It was warm and their fingers still fit together perfectly just like the first time at Dalton. Kurt looked down at their hands and dry sobbed because the tears were gone; he had cried it all out in the waiting room. He leant forward and kissed the top of Blaine's hand before moving up and placing one soft kiss on the lips of the most beautiful ad amazing man he knows. Before he knows what he is doing he is talking and he doesn't know how to stop.
"Fuck you, Blaine. I know you hate when I swear but I mean Blaine. I thought we were never saying goodbye, huh? What happened to that? I don't want you to leave. You need to stay so we can get married and do all the things we were supposed to. You're not supposed to die when you're 22. No one is. What did you do to deserve this? Nothing. I know you have been so ill and you're probably in like absolute bliss compared to what you have been living with but I need you here. Right now. I need you to give me a hug and kiss me all better. I need you to have sex with me because I miss that and I like it. I know I am being super selfish but I love you, more than anyone else and you had to go and get cancer." Kurt was sobbing out the words and this time there was no-one to pull him closer no-one to kiss his neck and make it feel just a bit better for a while because the one person who normally did that is lying on a hospital bed in front of him. "I know I seem mad but really I'm just mad at myself. I should have taken you to the doctors sooner but we were so caught up on our happy little world we just ignored all the bad stuff. We never talked about it but I blame myself because I am supposed to protect you. I'm sorry, Blaine." Kurt took a deep breath and prayed to someone or something up above that Blaine could hear what he was about to say next, "It's okay if you want to let go Blaine. I won't be mad. You can go and I will probably cry but I won't be angry and I will still love you. Forever. If you want to let go or have to and are just holding on for me, you can go. I know you hate waiting for things to happen and I hate seeing you get stressed so it's okay. I love you, Blaine. I have since the staircase." Kurt's voice broke as he said the last word but he stopped crying and kissed Blaine's forehead before sitting back down on the chair. His hand gripped Blaine's tighter as he started to drift off into a fitful sleep. Every 10 minutes or so Kurt would wake up and have to remember that he was in the hospital and the love of his life is on the bed in front of him.
Nearly two hours later, Kurt is woken very suddenly by a loud steady beeping and a rush or nurses. Kurt's hand is wrenched from Blaine's as the doctors gather around the small body. Kurt shakes and rushes around and tries to get the doctors to tell him what's going but deep down he knows. He knows that Blaine had kissed him for the last time; spoken his last words, and finally taken his last breath. The doctors try to revive Blaine in as many ways as possible but it doesn't work and half an hour after the beeping starts the machine is turned off and Blaine is gone. Kurt sobs and doesn't let Blaine go; not yet. Not while he is still warm. He kisses Blaine's face all over until his tears are rolling down Blaine's face. Kurt sobs and struggles against the nurses when they try to pull him away but eventually he is taken to a small room of the side of a corridor. The nurse calls Rachel after he says that she is closest. She arrives and holds him in the room. Kurt sobs for hours and hours until his tears are dried up and he has a pound headache. Rachel takes him back to her house and he sleeps in her bed that night.
Kurt returns home the next day and smashes so many mugs that the flat looks like it did when they first did it. That just makes Kurt cry more. Everything reminds him of Blaine and how he is no longer alive. Kurt doesn't eat and doesn't sleep. Rachel tries to visit but some days Kurt refuses to answer the door and just yells at Rachel from the other side. She stays until his voice is sore and doesn't say anything. When he is done, she leaves with the promise of returning again tomorrow and she does every single day.
A week later, Kurt leaves the house for the first time and walks to the local Duane Reade to get some food, but only manages to walk to the end of the block before having to turn back when he sees a bunch of red and yellow roses at a street flower stall.
Eventually, Kurt adjusts and tries to carry on. He has to plan the funeral for the love of his life when he is only 23 and of course, it is all done in perfect taste. There is no black (Blaine would have hated it) and the songs that are played are not sad ones. They play Teenage Dream and Kurt cries and they play Somewhere Only We Know and Kurt sobs into his Dad's shoulder.
Kurt gets on with it. He leads his life and the emptiness in his heart becomes normal. Sometimes he smashes a mug and sometimes he smashes lots of mugs but that's okay. Kurt smiles for the first time when a little girl comes up to him and gives him a hug because he 'looked like he needed one'. That moment makes Kurt realise that he needs to carry on living.
Kurt laughs for the first time in six months when Rachel turns up at his house wearing a reindeer sweater she found in her closet and felt nostalgic about. They talk about high school and Kurt talk about Blaine without crying. Rachel makes tea and they watch Moulin Rouge which Kurt cries at, and isn't sure whether it's the film of the song that him and Blaine would have had at their wedding. That's when the idea first hits him.
A year later, Kurt realises he needs to get back into business and so goes for an audition at a local theatre. He auditions for the part of Tony in West Side Story and gets it. He plays the role in honour of Blaine and the cast are amazing. They all get on very well and Kurt feels the best he as felt in nearly a year and a half. The photo of him and Blaine is still centre of the unit in the living room but now it is surrounded with new pictures of his new life; one that doesn't have Blaine in it but is not without Blaine.
Nearly three years later, Kurt finally plays Fiyero in Wicked and brings the house down. The Broadway headlines are filled with nothing but good things and Kurt cuts out every single review and puts it in a scrapbook that he started during West Side Story. It has all the reviews he had ever received; all the good ones and the occasional bad one.
One day, he is approached by a group and asked to play a role in a brand new Broadway musical and he accepts immediately. He think about what Blaine would think but realises that Blaine would have been proud of him, even if he was still playing Tony to an audience of 100 each night. Blaine would have been proud no matter what. Sometimes Kurt still gets angry and smashes a few mugs and sometimes he sits and cries until his tears dry up for the thousandth time.
When the musical opens it is in an instant hit, and People magazine's headline 'Kurt Hummel-Anderson takes Broadway by storm' makes him realise Blaine would be so proud because Kurt got what he wanted in one way at least.
Kurt misses Blaine everyday and he never meets anyone else. Kurt Hummel-Anderson is happy, although never whole again, because one dark night in February his other half was taken away, far too early.