Lost
"Gatrie is strangely quiet", Shinon drinks as he thinks, no wait, thinks as he drinks his tenth – was it tenth? – glass of whatever shit they're serving at this tavern.
It isn't the best thing they've ever drank, but it does the job quite well; that's what matters.
Back to Gatrie now… Wait, what was he saying about him? He doesn't remember.
Oh well, if he doesn't it means that it wasn't that important to begin with.
As much as he doesn't mind staying there – saying that he likes it would be way too much but better being there than at the camp – it's time to go back. They can't afford to stay out too late or else they wouldn't be able to even march the next day.
Not that a whole army would stop only for them, of course, but Shinon knows that if something happens they won't be able to escape a lecture from Titania and worse, so it's better to behave for once.
Getting up isn't the most difficult part for Shinon, no, it's having to drag Gatrie out all by himself. He's heavy and, well, Shinon isn't weak – of course – but he would've appreciated a hand.
Who could help them, though? None cares enough to even notice them.
So he's forced to walk now through the streets, with his arm around Gatrie – he's so big – while he rests on his shoulders, dragging him with all his forces.
He should leave him there, he really should, but in the end… who would help him if he doesn't?
It's only when they're just outside of the city that Gatrie speaks. The quiet that has kept them company them until now is over, and so will be Shinon's nerves, he's sure of it.
- Heey -, Gatrie says, looking at Shinon like he's a piece of meat. Great.
- Hey -, the archer replies. At this point it's better to humor him or he might pout, and Shinon hates when he does it, mostly because it's really difficult even for him to resist it.
- Do you come here often? -, Gatrie asks then, or at least Shinon thinks he's saying that. He's not sure.
- Gatrie, I've been dragging you for all this time -, he replies.
He knows what's happening: Gatrie's confused him for a girl and, being himself, he's flirting with him. It's not the first time it happens and it's frustrating, but not for the same reason why it was the first couple of times it happened: now it's just confusing, because Shinon's confused on his feelings about Gatrie, because their relationship is overall confusing, because Gatrie is so damn confusing when happens to flirt with Shinon – he doesn't even seem to notice when he does it – and then he goes around flirting with every woman he lays his eyes upon.
It's all a damned mess.
And now here they are again, playing this stupid game, because at this point it has to be a game, right?
- You already know my name! -, Gatrie exclaims then, - This must be destiny -.
- Gatrie… -, Shinon says, but he doesn't add anything. He just sighs and keeps on going.
He's too drunk to even find something snarky to reply with, or at least this is what he keeps telling himself. The truth is that he's tired, and he doesn't want to fight, weird right?
At least, he doesn't want to fight Gatrie.
He feels that the more time he spends keeping telling himself that he doesn't like him like that, that he will never lose, the more he feels drawn to him. He's always on the edge now; he feels that everything he says or does will just worsen the situation.
He's about to mutter that if Gatrie's able to talk, then he'll surely be able to walk on his own then, when he feels the other's arm around him, taking him not the way they're supposed to go.
- What the hell are you doing?! -, he exclaims. He really doesn't want to put up with Gatrie's drunken antics now.
- Let's go -, Gatrie replies, - I want to show you something -.
- What is so special that you want to show me now? -, Shinon snaps, - Let me go! Gatrie, I'm serious! -.
Despite everything Gatrie doesn't stop and Shinon gives up. It's pointless: once Gatrie has an idea in mind – no matter how bad this idea turns out to actually be – there's little Shinon can do to change his mind; this doesn't mean he doesn't chastises him later though.
They end up on a small hill; the camp isn't too far, or at least Shinon doesn't think it's too far.
They sit down on the grass – Gatrie's still holding Shinon – and they remain there in silence.
Shinon looks at Gatrie who doesn't notice; he's too busy looking at the sky. With the moon's light shining over them – there's no cloud that could hide it – he looks dreamy, or maybe Shinon's just too drunk.
- The sky's beautiful tonight -, Gatrie mutters, and Shinon looks up just to humor him.
- … Yes -, he finds himself replying though, staring at the sky, at the starts, at the moon.
- The moon especially -, Gatrie adds, but Shinon doesn't say anything, he just keeps staring at the moon and maybe, just maybe, he scouts even closer to Gatrie.
It's the cold, nothing more, nothing less.
He rests his head on Gatrie's shoulder.
He feels… relaxed.
That's weird. He usually never relaxes.
If there's something his childhood has taught him, is to never let his guard down, but Gatrie's there too, he will protect him if something bad happens.
… He must be very drunk to make such thoughts.
They don't speak for a while, but Shinon really wants to say something. He wants to break that quiet.
Like this, it almost feels like what he secretly longs can actually happen, and he hates it, because he knows it's not true, that it's just a pointless dream. He hates hoping, it only brings pain and disappointment.
He feels Gatrie's arm hugging him tightly.
He should push him away and get back to the camp, but he doesn't.
- You know, Shinon… -, Gatrie says then, with the same tone as before, - You may not be a pretty woman, but you're still pretty -.
- Goddess, Gatrie, is this the best you can come up with? -, Shinon replies, ignoring the fact that suddenly Gatrie's recognizing him again.
He's always the same old Gatrie, but Shinon doesn't mind, as he doesn't really mind the compliment Gatrie's directed at him, even though he still thinks he should be able to do better than that.
- I guess it's not that bad -, he says in fact, surprising himself with how soft he sounds.
He hears Gatrie chuckling.
- See? -, he says, - I knew you would appreciate that -.
Shinon looks up and he sees that Gatrie's looking at him as well.
They're close, awfully close, and that's when Shinon asks himself if he should do something.
The occasion seems right, he just has to lean forward and press a kiss on Gatrie's lips. It should be easy.
Then why can't he move? And why doesn't Gatrie do anything? He must've understood what Shinon is thinking, so why doesn't he move?
As always it's Shinon the one who has to do all the work.
He puts some distance between him and the other and he starts to get up.
- We should go -, he mutters, and he doesn't even wait for Gatrie as he goes down the hill, but soon he hears his heavy steps behind him.
Why the hell did he even think that it was a good idea to humor him like that? They've should've been already at the camp.
He's too busy being angry to admit that the only reason he didn't lean in is because he's scared. Yes, Shinon's scared: he knows how it feels to lose something, and he has promised himself to never get attached to anything again.
You can't lose anything if you don't have anything, it's simple.
Soon Gatrie catches up with him, which means that either he's gained super speed somehow, or that Shinon's been walking really slowly.
He feels Gatrie's arm hugging his waist and despite his better judgement Shinon lets him do it. He doesn't push him away and he's sure he's gonna regret it later, but for now he doesn't care.
He puts his arm around Gatrie's neck, and together they walk towards the camp. Gatrie's started to say something but Shinon isn't following him; he only hears the sound of his voice without understanding his words.
His focus is on the road, on ignoring the warm feeling in his chest, ignoring how good it feels to be this close to him.
It's just a game: if you manage not to hope, you win.
But then, even if he still refuses to admit it, doesn't this mean he already lost?
Author's notes: I love/hate mutual pining and slow burn, so you get this! I'm so sad Shinon and Gatrie aren't more popular; c'mon guys they're together it's obvious.
I was supposed to publish this before, but I was on vacation and for some reasons didn't work.
Disclaimer: before Americans start to nag me about it, yes, I use hyphens for dialogues and quotation marks for thoughts. Why? Because this is how we do in Italy, the country I'm from (actually there's more freedom in Italy but this is how people usually write).
Am I going to change this one day? Absolutely not. This is how I'm used to write and I don't want to change it. If I have to go through hundreds and hundreds of fanfictions where I see quotation marks used for dialogues – something I'm not used to at all – I'm sure you can all go through one story where the style is different without having to point it out every, single, time. Thank you.