Author's note: Do I want this to happen? No this is way too dramatic and to be honest, I'm tired. Would I like to unsee all this Agard ?&?%shi# in season 7? YES. But it seems we're stuck with it. I guess this fic is just me trying to deal with one of the thousands of possibilities of what might happens next...Right now EVERYTHING hurts. *sigh*
He realizes it the moment they touch.
It's in how her fingers curl around his, warm and soft in total opposition with the words she had yelled seconds before.
It's in how her mouth fits perfectly on his, no searching or hesitations. Even in how she tastes: together, they're like a strong scotch with hints of espresso and vanilla. A drink he never wants to sober up from.
It's in how her other hand finds this tiny scar he always had just there, her index brushing the skin of his forearm and giving him goosebumps. It stripped him to his core, realizing how he always had someone right there who loved him with all his scars and broken pieces and he always too coward to do anything about it.
She told him he couldn't do it. She told him he was losing his way and she barely recognized him anymore. She told him he couldn't go on ignoring everything and then, he got angry because she was right and he had tricked himself in believing he was doing fine.
But he wasn't.
He realized he was just putting wallpaper over the walls, the cracks were still there, everything was still there…
When she slapped him he didn't feel the pain. What he felt was her hand on his skin and it was like light got through the cracks and touched his soul, suddenly, everything made sense.
He knows it's love because he doesn't have to use positive reinforcement when he feels her body pressing against his, he doesn't have to repeat to himself that 'this is nice' or to trick his mind into thinking this is good (things he does with the other woman).
He knows this is where he belongs.
This is what love is. She's love.
She moans softly against his jaw as he pushes her against the glass window, the city lights behind her, making her skin look even warmer...How he would like to get lost in her warmth! She drags her hands under his shirt and it hits him, how the mere thought of them happening is almost enough to push him over the edge. He swallows and tries to forget about the butterflies in the pit of his stomach. His thumb brushes the black lace of her panties and she whispers his name before finding his lips again.
He did it twice yesterday. Twice with the wrong woman.
Sex is easy when you don't mix it with feelings. You can always fabricate lies around it, you can trick your mind into believing what you feel is real...but truth always comes out, like light through the cracks.
He wants to scream he's sorry. He wants to tell her he was wrong not just today but yesterday and the day before and pretty much every day of the last thirteen years.
He wants to go back and make things right.
Now he's the man who lied to two women.
He should stop it.
If only she wasn't loosening his belt right now, he could probably stop it.
She says his name again, maybe as a warning because one of her hand is in his boxers and he really doesn't want to be this man he wants to be HER man…
He loves her, he always did.
Maybe like his mother always loved Bobby? Maybe there wasn't any bad guy in that story? Maybe his dad was the other man… Maybe he will never know?
But he has a choice.
He chooses her.
"Listen…" He wants to tell her to stop but now he's pressing against her middle, and she has her legs wrapped around him. He takes a deep breath. He needs to stop this.
"Donna, I can't…"
She untangles herself from him and he wants to cry.
"Donna, I'm in love with you."
She pulls on her short black dress, confusion washing over her face.
"I'm in love with you so you deserve to know…"
She nods visibly scared of what's to come.
He can't say it. He readjusts his pants and belt. He wants to find the right words.
A few words that could change the rest of his life.
"I won't make you the other woman. Because you aren't. You are… I'm…"
"You've got to be kidding me…" she mumbles under one breath.
"No! Donna, please let me explain. I just need…"
"Oh no no no…" she shakes her head. "Your face when I mentioned you should see your therapist. Harvey, NO."
He grabs her arm as he feels her wanting to get away. "Donna please…"
"Don't you DARE touch me again you dirty piece of…" she doesn't even end her sentence, just brusquely removes her arm from his grasp as she still shakes her head.
"I know I was wrong! Donna, I'm sorry, please…"
"Now that you got under my dress you FINALLY figured out it was wrong? Really Harvey? It never occurred to you that you still need help? And fucking your therapist isn't exactly what I would call VALUABLE THERAPY!"
"I know…" he closes his eyes. He doesn't even care that he's a grown adult man crying now. "I was always too afraid to lose you and when you said you wanted more, and that this more didn't seem to include me.."
"You felt rejected so you fucked your therapist? Really Harvey? Okay I'm done…"
She doesn't even bear to look as she passes next to him. She's leaving.
It takes him a minute, maybe.
He does something he has never done before.
He runs to find her.
He wants to stop her from leaving. It's what he should have done years before.
He catches her on the sidewalk and she bursts out crying when she sees him.
"No," she tells him. "That's enough Harvey."
"You are the one. I'm gonna dedicate the rest of my life to making this work."
She tilts her head and looks at him through her tears.
"I'm gonna start by apologizing to Paula…"
"Well, to be fair. She's the specialist. You're sick and she should have stopped it."
He smiles faintly. "But you are still a dog!" she snaps.
"Also, I'm gonna find an old psychiatrist. And I will get myself...fixed."
"Harvey, I can't wait for you. And you got a lotta fixing to do."
"I'm not asking you to wait. Unless you want to wait?"
She closes her eyes and exhales. "Maybe I could wait a little...Because this is a lot."
"Fair enough." He takes her hand and she opens her eyes.
"Donna, can I call you?"
"Harvey, we work together…"
"No I mean...Can we talk? After I talk to her…"
"Okay. Or you can stop by. But no funny business, understood?"
He squeezes her hand and nods. "Because you are the one…"
She stops him. "Let me make one thing clear right now, Harvey. I'm sure you served all this bullshit to Paula about being the one you wanted to talk to or love or I don't even want to know." She bites her lips and continues. "I won't believe a word that comes out of your pretty mouth. You will be judged on your actions ONLY. Am I clear?"
She couldn't be more clear.
He had a long road ahead of him, you can't get rid of wounds that easily, they leave scars...But he was finally ready for a new beginning. Sometimes you have to be broken into tiny pieces to build yourself back up and be the person you were meant to be.
She still has her hand in his and he knows it now: he's the luckiest undeserving bastard in Manhattan.