[In the Red Light District, a man was running. And running. He was running like Hell's Fury was at his heels.]
Man: *GASP* *WHEEZE* *WHEEZE* *WHEEEEEEEZE* *WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZE*
Wife: COME BACK HERE, YOU TWO-TIMING SONOVABITCH!
[Hearing that, the man took off even faster, which defied all known laws of conservation of energy. Yes, the Laws of Thermodynamics can go kiss this Author's ass, the author will never believe them after seeing a Super Saiyan. Anyway, elsewhere in the district, another man was running for a similiar reason. No, this man was unmarried. Hell, he didn't even have a steady girlfriend. He could barely afford a prostitute. A steady relationship would've killed him.]
Iczer 1: What the hell were you doing? You were supposed to be here an hour ago.
Alien-in-human-body: Sorry, I got caught in bed with a hooker. I shot the paparazzi as fast as I could.
Iczer 1: [sweatdropping] So... uh, ready to die?
Alien-in-human-body: [quirking an eyebrow] Lady, I was BORN ready to die.
Iczer 1: Really?
Alien-in-human-body: [nodding] Yeah, I normally play monsters in RPGs.
Iczer 1: Ah.
[*ZAP*]
Alien-in-human-body: BLAAARRGGG! YAAAAARRR! OOOOHHHH! [*DEAD*]
Iczer 1: [sweatdropping] I hope they're not ALL going to be like that.
Alien-in-human-body: [*ALIVE*] Oh, come on, I can only play one-fourth of all the monsters you'll face. Even a guy like me has limits. [*DEAD*]
[Next Scene: Space. Two girls laid on a couch clad in the latest space fashion: Non-Existant Clothing. Yes, clothing that didn't exist whatsoever. You could see right through them because they weren't there to begin with. Oh yeah, as the original actors were not available for many of these scenes, the author apologizes for only getting fair replacements.]
Fam: Is that the planet Earth?
Urd: Yes, it is, Fam.
Fam: What about the inhabitants? Will they put up a fight?
Urd: The inhabitants are mostly geeks, nerds, politicians and whiny pamplet-passing weenies. They'll be no match for Delos-Theta.
Author: Um, actually, we could only get Gundam Heavy Arms.
Urd: [sighing in frustration] FINE! [picking up her line as if nothing had happened] They'll be no match for Gundam Heavy Arms.
Fam: [giggling] I'm so happy! You won't have to fight! [hugs Urd and shares a passionate kiss]
[The ship of the Cthuwulf is shown: It's the Soja, but spider-like cables connect it to two black cylindrically-shaped asteroids, one in front and one in back. A swirl of silver and white is visible at the very ends of the two asteroids, making it look like the Soja was tied to two enormous Hostess Ho-Hos. Cut back to the room.]
PA: *Doo**Doooo**DOON* Urd, Sir Violet wishes to speak with you.
Urd: Crap, always interupting. Sorry, Fam. You'll have to take care of the chocolate.
Fam: Is it okay if I have Juri lick it off?
Urd: Yeah, so long as that bitch Shiori hasn't escaped the airlock. Ripley should be on call with the loader, just in case.
Fam: Gotcha.
[Urd grabbed a robe and headed for the door, nearly tripping over the bicycle and the pricing gun.]
[Next Scene: Massive Hall. Urd was now wearing an outfit similiar to Iczer 1's, only blue cloth is in the place of the pink. She stepped up to a red-eyed woman, who was busy dripping Visine in her eyes. In a ring behind the red-eyed woma, were a bunch of people wearing Chibi-Usa masks and dark robes.]
Sir Violet: [i.e. the red-eyed woman] Ah, Urd, you're here. [she blinks a few times and uses a soft cloth to wipe the excess fluid from her eyes.] You have been selected to pilot Delo-er, Gundam Heavy Arms.
Urd: A great... [whispering off-stage] LINE!
Fam: [with a script] Honor.
Urd: [picking up without a hitch] A great honor, Sir Violet, but I was given the impression that the earthlings were of no consequence.
Sir Violet: Yes, but we're not in the "Maison Ikkoku" or the "Here is Greenwood" universes anymore. We've discovered that Iczer 1 is on Earth.
Urd: No shit, Iczer 1? Damn, I owe her six thousand yen for picking up the tab last time...
Sir Violet: As do I, but we've gotten orders to destroy her.
Urd: Are you shittin' me? Ain't no way we can punk her, that beeyatch is so tough, you look up the word 'Bad-Ass Heroine' in the dictionary, and you see HER face.
Sir Violet: Don't ask me, I just work here. And why am I called 'Sir', shouldn't it be Madam or Lady?
Urd: I guess it's an attempt to impose a masculine title to our female-dominant culture, thereby causing an imbalance and allowing those male bastards to control us.
Sir Violet: Shit, you think so?
Urd: Hell no, it's just the bullshit I made up on the fly.
Sir Violet: Get ready to launch or you'll have my boot in your ass.
Urd: [smirking] Last time it was your hand.
Sir Violet: [angrily] GO!
Urd: Heh-heh-heh. Score: Urd 6, Violet 2.
=====================
---------------------
Iczer 1*
---------------------
=====================
[* Translation into English: Iczer 1.**]
[** Translation into Spanish: Senorita Iczer 1.***]
[*** Translation into Latin: Chick In Armor 1.****]
[**** Translation into Ancient Sumerian: Woman One.]
[Creepy echoing effect of clock. TATATATICKTICKTICK-TATATATOCKTOCKTOCK TATATATICKTICKTICK-TATATATOCKTOCKTOCK.]
Nagisa: [dreaming a nightmare] nooo.... Anno.... make Evangelion make sense... noooo... no masturbation scene... NOOOOOOOO!!!!!! [bursts awake, sweating] Oh gawd, that was a horrible dream. I hope it doesn't come true. Wait, that would be silly. What's an 'Evangelion' anyway? Oh well, time to kick it old school-style back in the l33t present of 1985.
[Nagisa dressed. Then Nagisa, realizing that a Bondage Fairy outfit wasn't _exactly_ against the school dress code (which stated that no one should, under any circumstance, wear purple on Tuesdays or pea-green outfits any time), decided that a standard school uniform would do.]
[Next Scene: The Kitchen. Nagisa's mother was reading the newspaper while Nagisa's father cooked. Nagisa entered.]
Nagisa: Dad, why didn't you wake me up?
Nagisa's Father: I'm sorry, I forgot.
Nagisa's Mother: Jeez, the only person who can pull her weight around here is me.
Nagisa: Don't mind her, dad.
Nagisa's Father: She's been like this since I brought my boyfriend over.
Nagisa: Uh, you two do know that homosexuality isn't going to be re-'approved' by most of society until 1990, right?
Nagisa's Mother: Shit, it's only 1985, isn't it? Those uptight gangsta bitches, I oughta poppa cap in their mo'fo asses!
Nagisa: Whatever, I'm gonna to get going. PEACE, OUT!
[Next Scene: The Park. Nagisa was walking to school when she saw a blonde girl in a pink and black armor outfit. The pink of the outfit was actually a full-body leotard that left her hands and feet exposed. The black armor resembled a black two-piece bikini with boots and plain black bracers tossed in, but the 'top' was stylized to have shoulder guards and little yellow lights over the breasts. This was Iczer 1 (duh!).]
Nagisa: [thinking] Great, another trekkie. They're the Jehovah's Witnesses of the 90's. If she tries to offer me a set of ears, I'll just stab her with my tazer, then make her eat shoulder with my patented Stone Cold Stunner imitation. [aloud] Wassssup, homegirl?
Iczer 1: .... [looking at Nagisa with the sort of look that said, "Awww, yeah, baby! I wanna lick you all over and in places you never knew existed and I'll make sure you enjoy every second of it."]
Nagisa: Maaaybe I should've worn a longer dress today. Perhaps a hakama. Or pants. Jeans would probably look nice.
Iczer 1: [drooling at the idea of Nagisa's ass under tight jeans] aaaaalllllhhhhh.......
Nagisa's Cannon Fodder-er, Friend: Nagisa, have you been teasing passing lesbians with your ass?
Nagisa: Not passing lesbians, she's just standing... [Iczer 1 is gone] Errr, huh?
Nagisa's Friend: Come OON, we'll be late!
Nagisa: Is that your final answer?
Nagisa's Friend: [laughing] You _are_ the Weakest Link. Goodbye!
[From the tree she leapt into, Iczer 1 videotaped Nagisa's ass as the human girl headed for school.]
[Next Scene: School. The teacher was rambling on and on about Desert Storm and Space Station Freedom's Completion. It should be noted that all of the above wouldn't happen for years, if not decades or centuries. Nagisa was suddenly handed a note, but before she could read it, Maze whispered to her.]
Maze: The invention of the PS3 means more porn in gaming!
Nuku Nuku: [joining in] And a shorter skirt...er, I mean loading time.
Nagisa: PFFT! They promised that with the LAST one. [reading the note] I know what you did last summer... [normal] Like f*ck you know, bitch. If you did, then you need to have the green duffel bag and bitch, no one'll find that _or_ DB Cooper's body. [Nagisa glances around the room, somewhat confident no one could've found the duffel bag. She'd have to double-check at her earliest convenience without looking too suspicious.]
[Suddenly, the classroom was empty and the lights were out. Nagisa blinked. A girl appeared in the seat in front of her. The back of the girl's head opened to reveal nothing but tentacles. Nagisa took a stick and poked the tentacles.]
Nagisa: Dude, where's your brains?
Monster: Hey, f*ck you!
[Suddenly, Nagisa found herself back in reality. She looked down at the girl in front of her, who now had the stick poking out of the back of her head. Nagisa carefully, gently, pulled out a fully automatic rifle and blew the monster-girl into itty-bitty-teeny-weeny pieces.]
Teacher: Nagisa! For not putting down a tarp before slaying a fellow student, even if she was a monster, is punishable by... uh, crap.... confiscation of your Gameboy and Pocket Monster cartridges for one day!
Nagisa: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Teacher: Fine, one period, but you better have learned your lesson.
Nagisa: Heh, sucker!
[Mister Fujisawa sighed. First Jinnai, now Nagisa. Where did he go wrong?]
[Next Scene: Construction Lot. Nagisa huffed as she stared across the lot at three Zoanoids.]
Nagisa: Dude, when Guyver gets here, he is SO going to kick your asses for this.
Zoanoid #1: Look, we just need directions. Is this the Secret Underground Lair of Kronos? We've got to check in with our bosses, who run Kronos Corporation as a front for their operations.
Nagisa: No, that's two down in Anime Section G. This is I. Head left until you find it.
Zoanoid #2: Thanks!
[The Zoanoids scurried off. Nagisa sighed and leaned against the wall. Suddenly, she fell through and got punked with a steel chair, wielded by Monster #3. Monster #4 and #5 stood nearby, with a canister of Gatorade that they planned to pour on their coach as a victory celebration. Suddenly, someone appeared, drank all the Gatorade and killed all three monsters. Letting out a loud belch, Iczer 1 posed in a random fashion. She picked up Nagisa and teleported away.]
[Next Scene: Hallway of the Cthuwulf. Urd was driving a 2004 Ford Thunderbird for some reason through the dangerously narrow and difficult to navigate halls of the ship, but was making surprisingly good time, despite the fact that she didn't know where the launch bay was. Some male employees (male employees made up 67% of the onboard cannon fodder) screamed as they were run over, while some managed to get into position to leap out of the way before being hit.]
Fam: [butt-naked and minus the chocolate from before] Urd!
[Urd screeched to a halt, as did the car. Fam opened the door and leaned over.]
Fam: Urd, I thought you didn't have to fight.
Urd: Oh, don't worry, it's just a suicide mission. By the time we're both toast, we should still be ready for the dinner reservations tomorrow night.
Fam: Ohhh, you know I can't go more than eight hours without hot, wild sex!
Urd: That's why I'm leaving you with Juri and Solude.
Fam: That's why I love you! [hugs Urd and kisses her good luck.]
Urd: Now, close the door and step away, I'm a girl about to die in a fantastic explosion.
[Fam complied.]
[Next Scene: Nagisa's Bathroom. Nagisa stood in the shower. She looked at her hand, then shook her head.]
Nagisa: [thinking] When I came to, I was in my bed. That's the last time I masturbate to a Weird Al CD after watching a Dragon Ball Z DVD while eating pistachios and playing FF9. Wait, pistachios won't be invented until after FF10 is released.
[Nagisa turned off the water and toweled off. Picking up her Goku plushie, she headed to bed and fell asleep, nude apparently. (Hell, you think she would find the time to dress? Dammit, man, I've only got so much time!)]
[Next Scene: Morning in the Kano Kitchen. Nagisa entered. Nagisa's mother was typing away at her VAIO laptop while Nagisa's father cooked eggs.]
Nagisa's Mother: [opening another website] The production schedule for the Nintendo Dolphin looks like ass. They're really going to have to go deep if they're going to get anything worthwhile. A big deposit would really make the project come to life.
Nagisa's Father: [slamming his fist against the countertop] DAMMIT! Why does EVERYTHING YOU SAY have to be an attack on gay men? It's not like you haven't been eating 'tacos' lately!
Nagisa and Nagisa's Mother: ................................
Nagisa's Mother: .... I was just making an observation on the Nintendo Dolphin system. I work for Sony, after all.
Nagisa's Father: [blushing] Whoops, sorry. [nervously] Heh heh!
Nagisa's Mother: [condescending] Oooh, is the Pixie feeling sensitive today?
Nagisa: Mom, stop teasing him.
Nagisa's Mother: It's the cream puff's fault, not mine.
Nagisa: Stop it, okay? Besides, you and your girlfriends leave bigger stains on the couch.
Nagisa's Mother: [blushing red] I keep telling you, those are clients.
Nagisa: [sarcastically] Uh-huh, right. I believe you.
Nagisa's Father: BLARG! I AM A MONSTER!
Nagisa: [deadpanning and staring at him with half-lidded eyes] You haven't transformed yet.
Nagisa's Father: Oh, sorry.
[Next Scene: Iczer 1 was watching the roaming surveillance cameras as they looked in Nagisa's panty drawer, her diary, her milkshake and up her skirt. Suddenly, she found herself in Subspace.]
Iczer 1: [realizing she needed to switch tapes soon or else lose precious footage] SOMEONE WILL DIE!
[Ken Masters, in a padded sumo costume often used as recreation in U.S. High Schools, hopped towards her.]
Ken: Hey, hope I'm not inter- [Iczer 1 blows his head off.] BLARG!
[Iczer 1 teleported into Nagisa's kitchen.]
Iczer 1: Okay, that's it. If I don't tell you now, I'm probably not going to get the chance. Nagisa, I want to have hot, wild, android-on-human lesbian sex with you.... [notices Nagisa's Father and Mother, who are now monsters and doodling on a fainted Nagisa's face. They sweatdropped as they turned to look at Iczer 1.] Tch.
Monsters: Uh, we're about to die, aren't we?
[*NOD*]
Monsters: CRAP!
[Next Scene: Urd was sitting in Heavy Arms' cockpit. She glanced over the charts, manuals, diaries of the test pilots detailing complex maneuvers and printed readouts.... and realized she couldn't see the screen. She tossed the crap out and just memorized where the self-destruct button and 'dump critical crap at inopportune moments' buttons are, so that she wouldn't touch them.]
Urd: Why the hell would I need to dump fuel for? Or the armor? Or the thrusters? f*ckhead Kronos scientists.
PA: *Doo**Doooo**DOON* Gundam Heavy Arms, prepare to launch.
Urd: What the hell is up with the-HOLY MOTHER OF FUGAAAAAAAAAAAHHHRGLE!
[It should be noted that Urd had not turned the inertia dampeners up high enough. While she would live, she enjoyed the sensation one got when going down an eighty degree slope on a roller-coaster... for about fifteen minutes. It was quite a distance to Earth from the ship, after all.]
[Next Scene: The Red Light District. An outside observer may wonder why every single red light district featured in anime was pretty much the exact same as another. Well, it was a shameful fact that there was only one red light district in Japan. But it was PHOCKIN' HUGE! In fact, it was so huge, it took up sixteen square miles and was just outside of Tokyo. At times, it was, by transient population, BIGGER than Tokyo.]
Dipsh*t Man: Look at that!
Woman: It's so HUGE!
Dipsh*t Man: No, up in the sky!
Woman: Yeah, yeah, it's a bird, it's a plane, it's Vegeta with two hundred thousand yen again.
[Dipsh*t Man and Woman are killed as Gundam Heavy Arms landed and began blowing the living crap out of the Red Light District.]
[Next Scene: Military Base. Launcher Guy was playing Rad Racer (circa 1982) on a PS4 when Command Guy entered and pulled the plug on the game system.]
Launcher Guy: YOU DIPS-er, sorry sir.
Command Guy: The scene's started.
[Nodding, Launcher Guy turned to a readout display that had a sweeping deally and a live-feed to Hideaki Anno's padded cell.]
Sweeping Deally: [sweep] Bad guy. [sweep] Bad guy. [sweep] Bad Guy. [sweep] Hey, peckerheads, bad guy.
Command Guy: Launch Jet Alone!
Launcher Guy: Uh, sir, isn't that-
Command Guy: Look, Anno never blew it up, so the Author was able to acquire it for the Fuji replacement.
Launcher Guy: Who cleans up the nuclear radiation?
Command Guy: This is fiction, dumbass, radiation will give us ki-blasting super-humans, not deaths and mutations.
Launcher Guy: Oh, right. Launching Jet Alone.
[Next Scene: Iczer 1 and Nagisa appear on a street. Nagisa looks at the distant form of Gundam Heavy Arms.]
Nagisa: What the hell? Why am I awake? Did we skip some lines?
Iczer 1: We haven't got time for me to wake you up gently, so pretend I felt you up. [thinking] Which I did. [aloud] Nagisa, monsters ate your parents, so let's get revenge for them.
Nagisa: Okay.
Iczer 1: Iczer-Dougar!
[Holy Rom Armor Dougar, painted silver and green, appeared.]
Nagisa: [staring at the hero-mech from Maze: The Megaburst Space] What the fu-
Iczer 1: Budget. Getting Iczer Robo and downgrading it after Iczer 666 and 1/3 was too much.
Nagisa: Ah.
[An energy beam absorbed Iczer 1 and Nagisa and pulled them into Iczer-Dougar. They appeared inside the mech with Nagisa facing Iczer 1. Iczer 1 had most of her upper-torso free and her clothes on, but Nagisa was both naked and had her arms pinned below the strange restraints of the mech. Her chest was in plain view, however, causing a major distraction for Iczer 1, so tasteful censor bars appeared.]
Iczer 1: Let's go, Iczer-Dougar!
Iczer-Dougar: RAAAAAAAAARRRRR!
[Iczer-Dougar began trashing the city.]
Nagisa: WHAT THE PHUCK IS IT DOING?!
Iczer 1: Sorry, since Dougar's a badass mech, it's gotta cause a lot of collateral damage.
Nagisa: Oh.
[After about eight minutes of annihilating thousands of people and Jet Alone with magical blasts, Iczer-Dougar finally turned to face a sweatdropping Gundam Heavy Arms.]
Urd: HEY! No fair doing more collateral damage than me! [Heavy Arms stomps a retirement home.]
Iczer 1: What?! Look, we're just doing the amount of- what the- [Iczer-Dougar stomps an orphanage in response.]
[Heavy Arms shot a hospital to pieces.]
[Iczer-Dougar annihilated a children's theme park, killing everyone within. And it had been a particularly busy time of the day.]
[Heavy Arms blew up a police station.]
[Iczer-Dougar electricuted an entire school's population to death.]
[The two mechs both slammed a fist into City Hall, then stopped to look at each other.]
[Suddenly, something none of the pilots (or the passengers or the victims) of the two robots could ever explain, they leapt forward and clasped their arms over each other, grinding metal against metal.]
Nagisa: What the hell is going on!?
[Heavy Arms and Iczer-Dougar suddenly vanished into subspace, leaving only an eighty ton timebomb underneath Urd. She screamed as the bomb exploded, engulfing the entire area and hurling Nagisa and Iczer 1 across the remains of the district, through the roof of Nagisa's house to land on Nagisa's bed. Nagisa was out cold.]
Iczer 1: I guess Dougar's going to be replaced. Falling in love like that is a MAIN character's job. TCH, TCH, TCH!
[Iczer 1 passed out.]
[Fam whistled a happy tune as she skipped down the hall of the fortress.]
Fam: Hey, wait, when did the fortress get to Earth?
Author: SHHHHHHH! DON'T POINT OUT THE DISCREP-er, ERRORS!
Fam: [to the Author] You couldn't spell that other word, could you?
Author: Not reliably, no.
Fam: And now, you'll forget all about the scene where I meet Iczer 2, won't you?
Author: No, I just had it misplaced.
Fam: Idiot.
[Fam was hurled down the hall and into the room where Sir Violet and the Chibi-Usa Mask-Wearing freaks were.]
Violet: Fam, we know you are in mourning, but we'd like you to meet your new partner. She's not quite the pure sex-bomb that Urd was, but she's pretty sexy and frisky in her own right.
Fam: Oh, all right.
[In the tank, Iczer 2, the red-haired sister to Deedlit and Pirotase (the elves of Record of Lodoss Wars), sat. She was fully constructed, but she wore a green suit which matched the green screen behind her, making her seem like only her head and neck were done.]
[The next day, Iczer 1 left Nagisa in a park.]
Iczer 1: Here, you stay and get ambushed, I'm going to go do something.
Nagisa: Uh, how do I defend myself?
Iczer 1: [sighing and gesturing to the 1.5/1 scale model of Mega Man X. Which was really Mega Man X.] Him.
Nagisa: NYAAAH! How long has he been there?
Mega Man X: Let's see... 'Here, you stay and get ambushed'.
Nagisa: What am I supposed to do with him?
Iczer 1: Nothing I wouldn't do.
Mega Man X: [assuming puppy-like eyes as he turns to Iczer 1] Will you go out with me?
Iczer 1: No. And I won't have sex with you either.
Mega Man X: Shit.
[Iczer 1 vanished. Nagisa turned to Mega Man X.]
Nagisa: So, you're my bodyguard?
Mega Man X: Yeah, the director thought it was too dull just having you all by yourself. So, he had me come in so we could trade dialogue back and forth.
Nagisa: Why would he care?
Mega Man X: Because then he doesn't have to consider making this into prose format.
Nagisa: Ah.
[The duo began walking through the park.]
Mega Man X: So, do you do much other than star in Iczer 1 remakes?
Nagisa: Well, it's pretty hard when you start out in something as influential as this. I mean, the most you can really ask for is 'background character' without someone wondering if I'll become a key point. I'm beginning to understand how Mark Hamill must have felt.
Mega Man X: Yeah, I guess. I mean, I at least have this armor on for our games, so when I do a cameo or star in a fanfic, no one would immediately recognize me.
Nagisa: Hey, I always wondered.... Sigma....
Mega Man X: Yeah, he's a nice guy. Makes great mocha-
[Suddenly, a man leapt in front of them.]
Police Man: BLARG! I am a creature!
Nagisa and Mega Man X: [deadpanned] You haven't transformed yet.
Police Man: Oh...
[Mega Man X powered up his X-buster and shot the Police Man through the torso. However, the blast also cooked all of the flesh and muscle off of the officer and caused several trees beyond the corpse to explode violently. Without caring, Mega Man X and Nagisa continued on their way.]
Mega Man X: Anyway, Sigma does have some problems, but otherwise, he's no different than Wily.
Nagisa: So why the 'X' stage?
Mega Man X: There are a lot of reasons, but the two biggest were that I was still growing. It didn't show in Mega Man 1-6, but 7 and 8? You could tell. I took a break from 6 to start the X series. We wanted a plot that didn't revolve around Wily, while still have that cliche around. Sure, it was pretty tired, but we added new flavor and such. Reinvented how people thought. Like the Mega Buster. Hell, most people thought that was genius. Of course, The last four games were actually on account of Wily himself.
Nagisa: What?
Mega Man X: Well, see, Wily came down with some nasty disease. I was too terrified to ask what it was. I felt like it could crush me if I heard that it was one of the better known ones without a cure. Wily was in and out of the hospital for the entire span of most of the games, so that's why we had those 'cover' stories. There were supposed to be replacements, but Wily would always surprise us all by showing up and revealing it to be part of 'his plan'. I tell ya, it always felt good seeing him back in that silly UFO of his. Anyway, after 8, his doctor told him to stay put.
Nagisa: I'm not sure if I should be happy or not. It sounds wonderful that he was able to make that many comebacks, but it's terrible that it had to happen to him.
Mega Man X: Yeah, it kinda felt like my own dad was dying, ya know? Wily was always there in the early days, helping me gain confidence in myself. Hell, he taught me the slide and dash techniques.
Nagisa: I know how it is. It feels odd when you're so used to someone and then they tell you that the next remake won't feature them at all. I guess that's why I agreed to do this parody. Iczelion was missing Iczer 1. She showed up a few times for the manga or for the silohouette shots, but she didn't stay long and... I really missed her.
Mega Man X: Yeah. It's really hard getting used to new casts. I mean, we didn't get to talk much, but me and the original six... we were tight, ya know? That's why I manage to wrangle them some jobs for Mega Man 3. They were my posse. Just like Roll, Wily and Light were. Beat, Tango, Eddie? They were close too, but they weren't with me during the really tough years. I mean, Rush and Proto Man were the ones I was really close with. And I really got to like Bass. But I made some tight friends with the X production too. Like Zero.
Nagisa: I know, but we've got to continue the scene.
Mega Man X: Oh yeah.
[Suddenly, a young girl's crying was heard. The duo raced around the corner to see Hotaru Tomoe crying over the fallen form of Miko Mido.]
Mega Man X: I hate it when the director slashes the casting budget.
Nagisa: What's wrong, little girl?
Hotaru: My mommy-er, older sister fell down all of a sudden. She said something about her hip!
Mega Man X: After all those La Blue manga and anime? I wouldn't doubt it.
Nagisa: [to X] SHHH! [to the little girl] Don't worry, we'll protect you.
Mega Man X: What's this 'we' business?
[Nagisa glared at him.]
Mega Man X: Ah, f*ck!
[Mega Man X picked up Miko Mido and the scene changed.]
[Iczer-1 was munching on her lunch, which consisted of several large submarine sandwiches.]
Iczer-1: Finally, a scene where I don't have to practically hump Nagisa's leg to get some attention.
[Iczer-1 varies the speed of her chewing, sometimes fast, sometimes slow. This goes on for about several minutes while the camera does zoom ins on her chest and ass before she finally blasts the camera.]
Iczer-1: Who's responsible for that camera?
Author: Sorry, it was Hal 9000. I've unplugged him and we're getting a non-android in to control the cameras.
Iczer-1: Jeez, this is worse than the time I had to kill those f*ckhead Genom Scientists.
[A new camera appears, but it drops suddenly before spinning out of control around Iczer-1 and finally stopping. Iczer-1 glares at the sky.]
Author: [apologetically] Newbie.
Iczer-1: [sighing] Why can't we have a reliable staff?
Author: Because it's either get a reliable staff or cut out all the action sequences.
[Iczer-1 opened her mouth to reply.]
Author: No.
Iczer-1: You didn't even know what I was going to say.
Author: It's your idea. That's enough.
Iczer-1: Just what the hell does that mean?!
Author: Exactly what you think it means.
[Before Iczer-1 could retort, Iczer-2 appeared, her theme song playing loudly to provide a clear interuption.]
Iczer-2: [in condescending tone] Hello, Roger Smith.... [murmurring to herself] wait, this is Iczer-1, isn't it? [in condescending tone] Hello, Nagisa....
Iczer-1: [to Iczer-2] Hey, fathead, I'm Iczer-1, not Nagisa. [to the author] Now, what the hell gives you the right to talk to me like that?
Iczer-2: HEY! I've entered the scene, bitch, I'm the important nemesis you can't beat until just before you're about to face the main bad guy!
Iczer-1: Yeah, masturbate with your plasma sword for a while, I'm talking to the guy in charge.
[Iczer-2 growled and began gathering plasma in a tight ball of energy.]
Iczer-1: Hey, dickweed, an answer, now!
[Iczer-2 blasted Iczer-1 into a distant building.]
Author: Gawd, I love these wandering monster attacks. By the way, you rolled a 4 on your saving throw versus back-attacks. It looks like your crystal statue of Tifa Lockheart shattered into a million pieces.
Iczer-1: No way! I was wearing a Ring of Protection +4 and-HEY, WAIT A MINUTE! I left that in my special subdimension where Iczer Robo-
[Iczer-1 was so distracted trying to yell at the Author that the Iczer-2 got another cheap shot in, sending her flying across the city.]
Iczer-2: Sure, being a tool for the Author's retorts may be shameful, but DAMN! It feels GOOD to smack that bitch up! AND HOW COME THERE WAS NEVER AN ICZER-2 SERIES?! TAKE THIS!
Author: Damn, I am __EVIL__. [grin]
[Back with Nagisa, Mega Man X and Miko Mido were alone as Hotaru and Nagisa discuss something in the kitchen.]
Hotaru: ...and he started screaming and-
Nagisa: [turning green] Hotaru, stop telling me about the movie Deliverance, okay? I don't think I'll ever want to see that movie.
Hotaru: Okay... did I ever tell you about the one time Chibi-Usa and I got into a cat fight as adults?
Nagisa: No. What happened?
Hotaru: Well, it was kind of one sided. Chibi-Usa was going through this phase where she was getting dumped by guys left and right. I think they said something about her performance in 'R' and 'Super S'. Well, she got really pissed and started taking it out on me...
Nagisa: That's terrible.
Hotaru: She didn't mean to, honestly, but it was just a way of venting. I got really mad this one time, when she started making biting comments about Haruka-papa and Michiru-mama... I think she was under an author's influence when she said the things she did about Michiru-mama... well, they'd been my legal guardians my entire life, so I got mad, so I shoved her into the ground, grabbed the blunt end of my Glaive and shoved it right up her-
Nagisa: I assume you'd seen Deliverance before this?
Hotaru: How did you guess?
Nagisa: And I assume you saw Deliverance because you thought...
Hotaru: ...it was a religious film about getting rid of aggression. [chuckling evilly] Boy, did it work.
Nagisa: Ah. So, what happened after you... ah, taught her a lesson?
Hotaru: Well, let's just say we're special friends like how Iczer-1 _wants_ to be special friends with you.
Nagisa: Thank whatever goddesses that be that you can't tell me anything because of the fact that you're eight years old.
Hotaru: So THAT'S why. I thought you were just getting ill from it.
Nagisa: I WAS!
House: BLARG! I AM A MONSTER!
Nagisa: [sarcastically] Shit, ya think?
[Mega Man X raced upstairs. Miko Mido sat up as Hotaru and Nagisa begin screaming.]
Miko: Hotaru-chan?
[Suddenly, Miko felt the presense of a tentacle demon behind her.]
Tentacle Demon: [laughing malevolently] Remember me, Miko-chan? From Bedwetter's Camp? I've been waiting for this for a loooong time....
[The scene cut away to show Mega Man bursting into the room, tripping and falling face-first into the carpet. Standing back up, Mega Man blinked as two blurs shot past him. Looking into the room, the demon stood, a television fused into it's torso as it played "Battle CanCan", the absolute worst pornographic video of all time.]
Mega Man X: X-BUSTER, OVERLOAD!
[The explosion took the roof off the house and ended Mega Man X's life (until someone hit the reset button or pressed 'Continue' again), but destroyed the demon and it's mastercopy tapes of pure and utter torture, such as "Akiko", "Balthus: Tia's Radiance", "Dark Warrior" and "Panzer Dragoon". And lo, all would remember Mega Man X's noble sacrifice.]
{A brief intermission, for the curious}
Author: Gillberg, what the hell are you doing in there?
Gillberg: [aka. the tentacle demon, it's tentacles up in curlers as he and Miko watch Sleepless In Seattle] What? Me and her are just having some ice cream...
{end intermission}
[Iczer-1 found herself pulled out of the pavement by her hair.]
Iczer-2: [the faint overlay of the author appearing briefly over her body] You know something, I hate only a few types of heroes and you're one of them. I don't hate you as a person, I certainly don't hate the powers of the Iczers or the Iczelions, and Iczer-Robo was pretty cool for it's era. But one thing I can't stand is this...
[Iczer-1 found herself flung backwards, her feet digging trenches in the pavement as she tried to halt her backward momentum. As she stopped, she fell to her knees and glared at the author possessed Iczer-2.]
Iczer-2: I hate it when a hero denies that which is rightfully theirs. Utena Tenjou does it, the lesser Sailor Senshi do it, and countless others have done it. [Iczer-2's face is a grim mask of hatred.]
Iczer-1: [panting as she recovered] What... might.. that be? What do we deny... that is rightfully ours?
Iczer-2: [the author's overlay fading from existance] Your potential for greatness.
[Iczer-1 stared after the image as Iczer-2 staggered, the possession having left her senses awry.]
Iczer-1: My potential for greatness? What does that mean?
[Iczer-1 dodged as a fireball exploded to her left.]
Iczer-2: Go get Nagisa. We're not done until the mecha battle.
Iczer-1: [considering her options] This parody's getting pretty serious, isn't it?
Iczer-2: Perhaps. Maybe it's less a parody and more of an attempt to get you to be what you truly can be.
Iczer-1: He took over your body, so you know what he's really planning.
[Iczer-2, grinning ear to ear, fades as the setting sun strikes the buildings just so. A simple and repeating jungle-esque melody began playing as Iczer-1 caught sight of two shadows on the wall. They're both of female (or appear to be so). The first had short wavy hair with a ribbon on top while the second had two pigtails.]
Shadow Girl A: Do you know, do you know? Have you heard the news? There's going to be a duel in downtown Tokyo.
Shadow Girl B: Brave heroine, fighting will be harder than you think.
Shadow Girl A: And there will be a definite twist. Do you know what it is?
Shadow Girl A and B: [in unison] Do you know, do you know, do you know what it is?
[The sun finally set and the shadow girls vanished, their funky jungle music fading too. Iczer-1 just stared for a bit before she felt something tug within her. She turned and halted. Suddenly, a noise began filling her ears and she clutched her head in a vain attempt to block it out. She collapsed as it overwhelmed her.]
[Iczer-1 wondered where she was. She found herself standing in the middle of a platform with four possible paths. To her right was a brilliant light, to her left an inky blackness, behind her was a swirl in colors and before her was grey.]
Iczer-1: Where am I now? [growing angry] COME ON, YOU JERK! I KNOW YOU'RE JUST WAITING FOR THE CHANCE TO EXPLAIN! YOU PURPOSEFULLY MADE ME TOO STUPID TO KNOW WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT!
Author: [appearing from the inky blackness to Iczer-1's left] Oh? Are you really that stupid? Or did you make yourself that way because this was a parody? All I've done was add the potential for humor. THe story was always yours to craft.
[Iczer-1 spun angrily to face him.]
Iczer-1: No, it wasn't. You've created everything up until now.
A-kun: [appearing from the chaotic rainbow to Iczer-1's left] Okay then, if I did create you and this world, then why would you complain?
[Iczer-1 turned to face him, then paused and glanced back at the Author. A-kun and the Author both arched an eyebrow and glared at each other. To Iczer-1's right, Android 16 from Dragon Ball Z stepped out of the grey and from the light behind Iczer-1 stepped Valgaav of Slayers.]
Iczer-1: [glaring at A-kun and the Author] What's going on here?
Author: I'd abdicate to A-kun for this little explanation. 'Super Human' that he is, he should be able to explain FAR better than me.
A-kun: Author, shut the hell up.
[The Author vanished only to be replaced by Belldandy from Ah! Megami-sama. A-kun stepped forward. Alita from Battle Angel Alita appeared in his place.]
A-kun: You see, this is one of those metaphysical crossroads that you've no doubt had to face.
Iczer-1: Pffft, like I ever had the chance.
A-kun: Perhaps not, but now you do.
Iczer-1: Riiiight, and I'm just supposed to believe that?
A-kun: [smiling sardonically] If you did believe that just on my say-so, then you would have proven that the Author still had some control over you. So, for argument's sake, let's just review the crossroads, shall we?
Iczer-1: FINE! Like I have much of a choice.
A-kun: You may have heard that human vision is distorted. No matter how good or wide our vision is, we're still limited by the fact that we cannot see in 360 degrees. [A-kun motions to the chaotic rainbow behind Iczer-1] That's why this path is rarely seen, save by the geniuses and the fools.
Iczer-1: Uh... huh... and how does this explain this crossroads business?
A-kun: Well, there are a number of paths that you could take. [A-kun gestures to where Iczer-1 is standing] The path you're standing on is the one where nothing changes. You follow the script as best as you can, no changes, no alterations. That's option one. [A-kun motions to the grey] Option two, is you, by deliberate intent or accident, fail. You save no one, you undo nothing of Big Gold's, you lose Iczer-Robo, and/or you die. [A-kun motions to the light] The third option is that you become nigh-religious in your fanaticism to kill and destroy everything of Big Gold's ever done to anything and wind up with a hollow existance, always hunting and fighting like a mindless beast of destruction, only vaguely better than Big Gold. [A-kun gestures to the darkness] The fourth option is to focus on making sure Nagisa's safe, which means leaving her in Iczer-Robo and never fighting. [A-kun motions to the chaotic rainbow] The fifth option is to save Nagisa and the Cthuluwulf, return Earth to life, but leave _most_ of the people killed in the afterlife. With only 1/8th of each nation's populations managing to make survive so far, it might bring a new age of enlightment for mankind and/or provide a home for the Cthuluwulf and you get to stay with Nagisa.
Iczer-1: [crossly] Is that it?
A-kun: Oh, there are plenty of other options, but the point is that many of them aren't ones you'd like. Like you self-destructing and taking Earth, the Cthuluwulf and everyone else into the afterlife. Big Gold's recovered from the last battle it was in, but not by much. Of course, that leaves all of Big Gold's children behind. There's also an option where you go and kill Nagisa before commiting suicide. One where you leave Nagisa in a tree and head off in a suicidal charge against Big Gold's fortress, managing to defeat Big Gold and it's servants, but becoming critically injured and destroying Tokyo. Then there's one where you have Nagisa woo Iczer-2 to your side and the two of you go kill Big Gold together after a threesome sex fest that last tweleve hours. And there's also the one where you surrender to Big Gold and become it's willing slave...
Iczer-1: [huffing] I get the picture.
A-kun: Endless possibilities, there's just very little desire for most heroes or villians to follow up on them. That's where the crossroads are actually useful.
Iczer-1: [quirking an eyebrow] How so?
A-kun: The crossroads create the most definitive course of action for a person. You refuse to take the lesser paths and choose a main goal. This makes it very easy to decide the next course of action, but it can make some decisions even more painful. [gesturing to Valgaav] Destruction / Purification of the Evil. [gesturing to the Android 16] Desperation to succeed in your main goal. [gesturing to Belldandy] Protection of the one you love. [gesturing to the Alita] Happiness at the cost of others. [gesturing where Iczer-1 stood] Indifference of everything. Each of these can be used for good or evil. Or as they're usually termed- [gesturing above them, where Parn of Record of Lodoss stood] Heroism... [gesturing below them, where Big Gold sat] ...and Villiany.
Iczer-1: [glaring at him] And now I have to choose.
A-kun: [shrugging] Take as long as you like, but know that right now, you stand on indifference. And that will only end in you losing your will to that of the author. You will be the butt of the author's jokes, you will have to follow the author's stupid parody plot, you will have to endure all the bizarre alterations. Let's face it, in truth, there are no limitations in this story. The author can pick whatever the author wants and get away with it. This one choice is yours to make, not the author's.
[With that said, A-kun teleported away. Iczer-1 stumbled forward and looked back to see a duplicate of herself standing in the middle of the crossroads.]
Iczer-1: [thoughtfully] My choice.
[Iczer-1 stood at an unprecedented crossroads for a character thought to be fictional. The chance to be herself. Not a mouthpiece of others, not a two-dimensional personality, not a character to be mocked, not to be teasingly referred to as a "Saiyan wannabe". She had the chance. But, now she was lost. Truly free from obligations, free from requirements of heroly duties, free from restraints and free from boundaries. All that lead up to was that she was lost. She had been controlled for her entire life and now she was being given the chance to do as she pleased.]
Iczer-1: What do I do?
Belldandy: You can protect what you have.
Android 16: You follow your duty.
Duplicate Iczer-1: You can let the author decide.
Parn: You can be a hero.
Valgaav: You can destroy it all.
Big Gold: You can give up your freedom for the comfort of a leash.
Alita: You can walk your own path.
[Iczer-1 considers all the angles presented. All the possibilities. And came to a conclusion.]
[Nagisa and Hotaru were busy cowering in an almost-abandoned casino. Neither girl knew where in Tokyo to find a casino until now and they had been surprised that the hardcore gamblers had stayed behind. Better to do something comforting when you die than run around screaming like a chicken before an AC-20 shreds you to pieces. Thus, the monsters were actually having trouble as old men and women of all sizes and ways of life started beating on them for ruining their luck.]
[Suddenly, the roof exploded off, revealing Iczer-1 standing on a giant robot's hand as it descended and manuevered to Nagisa's location. Nagisa could only stare at the enormous mech.]
Iczer-1: Get in Nagisa, Hotaru. It's time to rewrite a script.
[Both of the human girls stared blankly in shock for a few seconds before grinning madly.]
Nagisa: All RIGHT! I love you, Iczer-1!
Iczer-1: [blushing] I know. Let's get going.
[The trio transformed into columns of light and entered into the mech that replaced Iczer-Dougar.]
Iczer-1: [surprised as she appeared in the mech's cockpit] Nagisa, I feel you.... you're synchronizing with me....
Nagisa: DUH! I wanna break out of this shell too!
[Iczer-1 smiled.]
[Iczer-2 and Fam sat in the cockpit of Gundam Deathscythe when the new mech flew up and landed a mere 200 meters away. Fam stared. Iczer-2 gawked.]
Iczer-2: [via comlink] HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET THAT?!
Iczer-1: [via comlink][grinning widely] I beat the author at Chu Chu Rocket. Kinda easy since the author's never played it.
Iczer-2: [sweating] And how the hell are we supposed to damage DANGAIO?!
Iczer-1: [grinning wider] You don't.
Hotaru, Iczer-1 and Nagisa: PSYCHIC WAAAAAVUH!!
[Gundam Deathscythe was never meant to battle psychic energy. It had been created in a universe where foresight was the only psychic talent ever even heard of. It slammed heavily against the Cthuluwulf fortress, cratering the armor.]
Iczer-1: Let me tell you this. I'm here to break this annoying habit of fanfiction authors doing nothing more than repeating the stock dialogue and tossing in a few wacky renamed characters.
[A red robot appeared next to a blue android. A Dangaio Beam sliced the two to pieces.]
Iczer-2: [her eyes widening] Red Ass, Blue Butt!
Fam: [startled] Even against a mech, they should have been able to stand two attacks.
Iczer-2: Especially since they had forceshields on and at full power.
[Fam and Iczer-2 exchanged hasty and very nervous glances. Gundam Deathscythe raised the white flag of surrender.]
Iczer-1: Cool beans, sis. After this, you might just get that Iczer-2 series you wanted.
Iczer-2: EXCELLENT!
[Fam was teleported into the empty slot in Dangaio and both Dangaio and Gundam Deathscythe turned to the fortress.]
Big Gold: HEY! Don't I get a show?
Iczer-1: Not-
Iczer-2: -ON-
Fam & Nagisa: [in unison] -YOUR-
Hotaru: [flaring her Sailor Saturn transformation] -*_LIFE_*!!!
[The fortress imploded from the titanic blast sent after Big Gold. With synchronization, the power of Sailor Saturn and the technology stolen from the Cthuluwulf under their combined command, Iczer-1 and Iczer-2 restored life to those who deserved it and gave everyone else the chance at rebirth. The Cthuluwulf had a new home on Earth.]
===============================================================================================
Author: That was how it could have been. How about this?
===============================================================================================
[Gundam Deathscythe was never meant to battle psychic energy. It had been created in a universe where foresight was the only psychic talent ever even heard of. It slammed heavily against the Cthuluwulf fortress, cratering the armor.]
Iczer-1: Let me tell you this. I'm here to break this annoying habit of fanfiction authors doing nothing more than repeating the stock dialogue and tossing in a few wacky renamed characters.
[A red robot appeared next to a blue android. A Dangaio Beam sliced the two to pieces.]
Iczer-2: [her eyes widening] Red Ass, Blue Butt!
Fam: [startled] Even against a mech, they should have been able to stand two attacks.
Iczer-2: I don't scare that easil-AWK!
Fam: [putting Iczer-2 into a strangle hold] Oh, no. We're _accepting_ defeat!
Iczer-1: EXCELLENT! Iczer-Dangaio! POWAH UPPUH!
[Gundam Deathscythe, Iczer-2 and Fam transformed into energy and fused with Iczer-Dangaio. Iczer-Dangaio transformed into Iczer-Gunbuster.]
Big Gold: Aw, mother-@$*!#$*!#%* A !@#(#$&@#!!!
[Iczer-Gunbuster opened fire at Big Gold and the Cthuluwulf fortress.]
Big Gold: NOT AGAI-*
===============================================================================================
Author: That was how it might have turned out. But this is how it really went.
===============================================================================================
[Sweat running down her face, she ran down the marble hallway again and came to an abrupt stop.]
Iczer-1: ...then they opened the door, recognized the singing telegram girl and shot her.
Nagisa: So who did it?
Author: The gun is missing!
Iczer-1: That's right. Ladies, turn out your purses. Gentlemen, turn out your pockets. Whoever has the gun is the killer.
[A-kun turned out the pockets he'd sewn into his red dougi. Hotaru and Nagisa opened their purses and turned them out. Iczer-2 just shrugged as she didn't have a purse or any pockets, the same went for Iczer-1. Fam and Urd pulled their pockets out.]
Author: [pulling out the revolver] I've got the gun! [sneering at the others] I lured you all here...
A-kun: ...to blackmail us. So now what?
Author: First of all, we'll take the bodies and stack them in the cellar. Then, we'll leave, one by one, with me going first. And I'll keep on making fun of each of you. The puns'll get worse, the jokes will be staler and the punchlines even more pathetic. You'll be rehashing 'All Your Base' and other pathetic Zero Wing jokes before I'm through with you.
Hotaru: You won't get away with this.
Author: [smirking] I already have. After all, not one of you has the power to stop me.
Hotaru: That's what you think.
[Hotaru leapt forward, transformed into Sailor Saturn and cut off the author's left arm. The gun was in the author's right arm.]
Hotaru: Bugger it all.
Urd: I won't say that punchline, no matter what.
Author: SAY IT!
Urd: ARRRGH! FINE! "At least now she's disarmed".
Author: Yes, that's better.
Iczer-2: There's one thing you've forgotten. That's a six bullet revolver. It's out of ammo.
Author: [sneering] No, it isn't.
Iczer-2: Oh really? Two for B-kun, one for the chandelier, one for the door, one for the cop and one for the singing telegram. That's six.
Author: [frowning] There was only one for B-kun.
Iczer-2: He _is_ an author. Do you really think he'd only take ONE bullet before letting himself die?
[As the Author pondered that, Iczer-2 dashed forward and sliced off the Author's head and right arm.]
Author: Ah, hell! *DEAD*
A-kun: Wow. How'd you know that much about authors?
Iczer-2: I figured I'd be that arrogant.
A-kun: [muttering to himself] Iczer-1 + Nagisa, Fam + Urd... [realizing] Uh, there's someone left out. Someone who should at least get credit for helping you guys break out of the normal storyline.
Iczer-2: [stroking his chin as she purred] Oh, you'll get credit...
===============================================================================================
Authored by C-chan
Co-Author by TharzZzDunN
Metaphysical Mumbo-Jumbo by A-kun
===============================================================================================
Iczer-2 and Hotaru: [arm in arm] See ya, A-kun!
A-kun: DAMN IT ALL!
THE END... FOR NOW!
Iczer-2's plasma sword: VVSSSHHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU....
THE END!
Man: *GASP* *WHEEZE* *WHEEZE* *WHEEEEEEEZE* *WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZE*
Wife: COME BACK HERE, YOU TWO-TIMING SONOVABITCH!
[Hearing that, the man took off even faster, which defied all known laws of conservation of energy. Yes, the Laws of Thermodynamics can go kiss this Author's ass, the author will never believe them after seeing a Super Saiyan. Anyway, elsewhere in the district, another man was running for a similiar reason. No, this man was unmarried. Hell, he didn't even have a steady girlfriend. He could barely afford a prostitute. A steady relationship would've killed him.]
Iczer 1: What the hell were you doing? You were supposed to be here an hour ago.
Alien-in-human-body: Sorry, I got caught in bed with a hooker. I shot the paparazzi as fast as I could.
Iczer 1: [sweatdropping] So... uh, ready to die?
Alien-in-human-body: [quirking an eyebrow] Lady, I was BORN ready to die.
Iczer 1: Really?
Alien-in-human-body: [nodding] Yeah, I normally play monsters in RPGs.
Iczer 1: Ah.
[*ZAP*]
Alien-in-human-body: BLAAARRGGG! YAAAAARRR! OOOOHHHH! [*DEAD*]
Iczer 1: [sweatdropping] I hope they're not ALL going to be like that.
Alien-in-human-body: [*ALIVE*] Oh, come on, I can only play one-fourth of all the monsters you'll face. Even a guy like me has limits. [*DEAD*]
[Next Scene: Space. Two girls laid on a couch clad in the latest space fashion: Non-Existant Clothing. Yes, clothing that didn't exist whatsoever. You could see right through them because they weren't there to begin with. Oh yeah, as the original actors were not available for many of these scenes, the author apologizes for only getting fair replacements.]
Fam: Is that the planet Earth?
Urd: Yes, it is, Fam.
Fam: What about the inhabitants? Will they put up a fight?
Urd: The inhabitants are mostly geeks, nerds, politicians and whiny pamplet-passing weenies. They'll be no match for Delos-Theta.
Author: Um, actually, we could only get Gundam Heavy Arms.
Urd: [sighing in frustration] FINE! [picking up her line as if nothing had happened] They'll be no match for Gundam Heavy Arms.
Fam: [giggling] I'm so happy! You won't have to fight! [hugs Urd and shares a passionate kiss]
[The ship of the Cthuwulf is shown: It's the Soja, but spider-like cables connect it to two black cylindrically-shaped asteroids, one in front and one in back. A swirl of silver and white is visible at the very ends of the two asteroids, making it look like the Soja was tied to two enormous Hostess Ho-Hos. Cut back to the room.]
PA: *Doo**Doooo**DOON* Urd, Sir Violet wishes to speak with you.
Urd: Crap, always interupting. Sorry, Fam. You'll have to take care of the chocolate.
Fam: Is it okay if I have Juri lick it off?
Urd: Yeah, so long as that bitch Shiori hasn't escaped the airlock. Ripley should be on call with the loader, just in case.
Fam: Gotcha.
[Urd grabbed a robe and headed for the door, nearly tripping over the bicycle and the pricing gun.]
[Next Scene: Massive Hall. Urd was now wearing an outfit similiar to Iczer 1's, only blue cloth is in the place of the pink. She stepped up to a red-eyed woman, who was busy dripping Visine in her eyes. In a ring behind the red-eyed woma, were a bunch of people wearing Chibi-Usa masks and dark robes.]
Sir Violet: [i.e. the red-eyed woman] Ah, Urd, you're here. [she blinks a few times and uses a soft cloth to wipe the excess fluid from her eyes.] You have been selected to pilot Delo-er, Gundam Heavy Arms.
Urd: A great... [whispering off-stage] LINE!
Fam: [with a script] Honor.
Urd: [picking up without a hitch] A great honor, Sir Violet, but I was given the impression that the earthlings were of no consequence.
Sir Violet: Yes, but we're not in the "Maison Ikkoku" or the "Here is Greenwood" universes anymore. We've discovered that Iczer 1 is on Earth.
Urd: No shit, Iczer 1? Damn, I owe her six thousand yen for picking up the tab last time...
Sir Violet: As do I, but we've gotten orders to destroy her.
Urd: Are you shittin' me? Ain't no way we can punk her, that beeyatch is so tough, you look up the word 'Bad-Ass Heroine' in the dictionary, and you see HER face.
Sir Violet: Don't ask me, I just work here. And why am I called 'Sir', shouldn't it be Madam or Lady?
Urd: I guess it's an attempt to impose a masculine title to our female-dominant culture, thereby causing an imbalance and allowing those male bastards to control us.
Sir Violet: Shit, you think so?
Urd: Hell no, it's just the bullshit I made up on the fly.
Sir Violet: Get ready to launch or you'll have my boot in your ass.
Urd: [smirking] Last time it was your hand.
Sir Violet: [angrily] GO!
Urd: Heh-heh-heh. Score: Urd 6, Violet 2.
=====================
---------------------
Iczer 1*
---------------------
=====================
[* Translation into English: Iczer 1.**]
[** Translation into Spanish: Senorita Iczer 1.***]
[*** Translation into Latin: Chick In Armor 1.****]
[**** Translation into Ancient Sumerian: Woman One.]
[Creepy echoing effect of clock. TATATATICKTICKTICK-TATATATOCKTOCKTOCK TATATATICKTICKTICK-TATATATOCKTOCKTOCK.]
Nagisa: [dreaming a nightmare] nooo.... Anno.... make Evangelion make sense... noooo... no masturbation scene... NOOOOOOOO!!!!!! [bursts awake, sweating] Oh gawd, that was a horrible dream. I hope it doesn't come true. Wait, that would be silly. What's an 'Evangelion' anyway? Oh well, time to kick it old school-style back in the l33t present of 1985.
[Nagisa dressed. Then Nagisa, realizing that a Bondage Fairy outfit wasn't _exactly_ against the school dress code (which stated that no one should, under any circumstance, wear purple on Tuesdays or pea-green outfits any time), decided that a standard school uniform would do.]
[Next Scene: The Kitchen. Nagisa's mother was reading the newspaper while Nagisa's father cooked. Nagisa entered.]
Nagisa: Dad, why didn't you wake me up?
Nagisa's Father: I'm sorry, I forgot.
Nagisa's Mother: Jeez, the only person who can pull her weight around here is me.
Nagisa: Don't mind her, dad.
Nagisa's Father: She's been like this since I brought my boyfriend over.
Nagisa: Uh, you two do know that homosexuality isn't going to be re-'approved' by most of society until 1990, right?
Nagisa's Mother: Shit, it's only 1985, isn't it? Those uptight gangsta bitches, I oughta poppa cap in their mo'fo asses!
Nagisa: Whatever, I'm gonna to get going. PEACE, OUT!
[Next Scene: The Park. Nagisa was walking to school when she saw a blonde girl in a pink and black armor outfit. The pink of the outfit was actually a full-body leotard that left her hands and feet exposed. The black armor resembled a black two-piece bikini with boots and plain black bracers tossed in, but the 'top' was stylized to have shoulder guards and little yellow lights over the breasts. This was Iczer 1 (duh!).]
Nagisa: [thinking] Great, another trekkie. They're the Jehovah's Witnesses of the 90's. If she tries to offer me a set of ears, I'll just stab her with my tazer, then make her eat shoulder with my patented Stone Cold Stunner imitation. [aloud] Wassssup, homegirl?
Iczer 1: .... [looking at Nagisa with the sort of look that said, "Awww, yeah, baby! I wanna lick you all over and in places you never knew existed and I'll make sure you enjoy every second of it."]
Nagisa: Maaaybe I should've worn a longer dress today. Perhaps a hakama. Or pants. Jeans would probably look nice.
Iczer 1: [drooling at the idea of Nagisa's ass under tight jeans] aaaaalllllhhhhh.......
Nagisa's Cannon Fodder-er, Friend: Nagisa, have you been teasing passing lesbians with your ass?
Nagisa: Not passing lesbians, she's just standing... [Iczer 1 is gone] Errr, huh?
Nagisa's Friend: Come OON, we'll be late!
Nagisa: Is that your final answer?
Nagisa's Friend: [laughing] You _are_ the Weakest Link. Goodbye!
[From the tree she leapt into, Iczer 1 videotaped Nagisa's ass as the human girl headed for school.]
[Next Scene: School. The teacher was rambling on and on about Desert Storm and Space Station Freedom's Completion. It should be noted that all of the above wouldn't happen for years, if not decades or centuries. Nagisa was suddenly handed a note, but before she could read it, Maze whispered to her.]
Maze: The invention of the PS3 means more porn in gaming!
Nuku Nuku: [joining in] And a shorter skirt...er, I mean loading time.
Nagisa: PFFT! They promised that with the LAST one. [reading the note] I know what you did last summer... [normal] Like f*ck you know, bitch. If you did, then you need to have the green duffel bag and bitch, no one'll find that _or_ DB Cooper's body. [Nagisa glances around the room, somewhat confident no one could've found the duffel bag. She'd have to double-check at her earliest convenience without looking too suspicious.]
[Suddenly, the classroom was empty and the lights were out. Nagisa blinked. A girl appeared in the seat in front of her. The back of the girl's head opened to reveal nothing but tentacles. Nagisa took a stick and poked the tentacles.]
Nagisa: Dude, where's your brains?
Monster: Hey, f*ck you!
[Suddenly, Nagisa found herself back in reality. She looked down at the girl in front of her, who now had the stick poking out of the back of her head. Nagisa carefully, gently, pulled out a fully automatic rifle and blew the monster-girl into itty-bitty-teeny-weeny pieces.]
Teacher: Nagisa! For not putting down a tarp before slaying a fellow student, even if she was a monster, is punishable by... uh, crap.... confiscation of your Gameboy and Pocket Monster cartridges for one day!
Nagisa: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Teacher: Fine, one period, but you better have learned your lesson.
Nagisa: Heh, sucker!
[Mister Fujisawa sighed. First Jinnai, now Nagisa. Where did he go wrong?]
[Next Scene: Construction Lot. Nagisa huffed as she stared across the lot at three Zoanoids.]
Nagisa: Dude, when Guyver gets here, he is SO going to kick your asses for this.
Zoanoid #1: Look, we just need directions. Is this the Secret Underground Lair of Kronos? We've got to check in with our bosses, who run Kronos Corporation as a front for their operations.
Nagisa: No, that's two down in Anime Section G. This is I. Head left until you find it.
Zoanoid #2: Thanks!
[The Zoanoids scurried off. Nagisa sighed and leaned against the wall. Suddenly, she fell through and got punked with a steel chair, wielded by Monster #3. Monster #4 and #5 stood nearby, with a canister of Gatorade that they planned to pour on their coach as a victory celebration. Suddenly, someone appeared, drank all the Gatorade and killed all three monsters. Letting out a loud belch, Iczer 1 posed in a random fashion. She picked up Nagisa and teleported away.]
[Next Scene: Hallway of the Cthuwulf. Urd was driving a 2004 Ford Thunderbird for some reason through the dangerously narrow and difficult to navigate halls of the ship, but was making surprisingly good time, despite the fact that she didn't know where the launch bay was. Some male employees (male employees made up 67% of the onboard cannon fodder) screamed as they were run over, while some managed to get into position to leap out of the way before being hit.]
Fam: [butt-naked and minus the chocolate from before] Urd!
[Urd screeched to a halt, as did the car. Fam opened the door and leaned over.]
Fam: Urd, I thought you didn't have to fight.
Urd: Oh, don't worry, it's just a suicide mission. By the time we're both toast, we should still be ready for the dinner reservations tomorrow night.
Fam: Ohhh, you know I can't go more than eight hours without hot, wild sex!
Urd: That's why I'm leaving you with Juri and Solude.
Fam: That's why I love you! [hugs Urd and kisses her good luck.]
Urd: Now, close the door and step away, I'm a girl about to die in a fantastic explosion.
[Fam complied.]
[Next Scene: Nagisa's Bathroom. Nagisa stood in the shower. She looked at her hand, then shook her head.]
Nagisa: [thinking] When I came to, I was in my bed. That's the last time I masturbate to a Weird Al CD after watching a Dragon Ball Z DVD while eating pistachios and playing FF9. Wait, pistachios won't be invented until after FF10 is released.
[Nagisa turned off the water and toweled off. Picking up her Goku plushie, she headed to bed and fell asleep, nude apparently. (Hell, you think she would find the time to dress? Dammit, man, I've only got so much time!)]
[Next Scene: Morning in the Kano Kitchen. Nagisa entered. Nagisa's mother was typing away at her VAIO laptop while Nagisa's father cooked eggs.]
Nagisa's Mother: [opening another website] The production schedule for the Nintendo Dolphin looks like ass. They're really going to have to go deep if they're going to get anything worthwhile. A big deposit would really make the project come to life.
Nagisa's Father: [slamming his fist against the countertop] DAMMIT! Why does EVERYTHING YOU SAY have to be an attack on gay men? It's not like you haven't been eating 'tacos' lately!
Nagisa and Nagisa's Mother: ................................
Nagisa's Mother: .... I was just making an observation on the Nintendo Dolphin system. I work for Sony, after all.
Nagisa's Father: [blushing] Whoops, sorry. [nervously] Heh heh!
Nagisa's Mother: [condescending] Oooh, is the Pixie feeling sensitive today?
Nagisa: Mom, stop teasing him.
Nagisa's Mother: It's the cream puff's fault, not mine.
Nagisa: Stop it, okay? Besides, you and your girlfriends leave bigger stains on the couch.
Nagisa's Mother: [blushing red] I keep telling you, those are clients.
Nagisa: [sarcastically] Uh-huh, right. I believe you.
Nagisa's Father: BLARG! I AM A MONSTER!
Nagisa: [deadpanning and staring at him with half-lidded eyes] You haven't transformed yet.
Nagisa's Father: Oh, sorry.
[Next Scene: Iczer 1 was watching the roaming surveillance cameras as they looked in Nagisa's panty drawer, her diary, her milkshake and up her skirt. Suddenly, she found herself in Subspace.]
Iczer 1: [realizing she needed to switch tapes soon or else lose precious footage] SOMEONE WILL DIE!
[Ken Masters, in a padded sumo costume often used as recreation in U.S. High Schools, hopped towards her.]
Ken: Hey, hope I'm not inter- [Iczer 1 blows his head off.] BLARG!
[Iczer 1 teleported into Nagisa's kitchen.]
Iczer 1: Okay, that's it. If I don't tell you now, I'm probably not going to get the chance. Nagisa, I want to have hot, wild, android-on-human lesbian sex with you.... [notices Nagisa's Father and Mother, who are now monsters and doodling on a fainted Nagisa's face. They sweatdropped as they turned to look at Iczer 1.] Tch.
Monsters: Uh, we're about to die, aren't we?
[*NOD*]
Monsters: CRAP!
[Next Scene: Urd was sitting in Heavy Arms' cockpit. She glanced over the charts, manuals, diaries of the test pilots detailing complex maneuvers and printed readouts.... and realized she couldn't see the screen. She tossed the crap out and just memorized where the self-destruct button and 'dump critical crap at inopportune moments' buttons are, so that she wouldn't touch them.]
Urd: Why the hell would I need to dump fuel for? Or the armor? Or the thrusters? f*ckhead Kronos scientists.
PA: *Doo**Doooo**DOON* Gundam Heavy Arms, prepare to launch.
Urd: What the hell is up with the-HOLY MOTHER OF FUGAAAAAAAAAAAHHHRGLE!
[It should be noted that Urd had not turned the inertia dampeners up high enough. While she would live, she enjoyed the sensation one got when going down an eighty degree slope on a roller-coaster... for about fifteen minutes. It was quite a distance to Earth from the ship, after all.]
[Next Scene: The Red Light District. An outside observer may wonder why every single red light district featured in anime was pretty much the exact same as another. Well, it was a shameful fact that there was only one red light district in Japan. But it was PHOCKIN' HUGE! In fact, it was so huge, it took up sixteen square miles and was just outside of Tokyo. At times, it was, by transient population, BIGGER than Tokyo.]
Dipsh*t Man: Look at that!
Woman: It's so HUGE!
Dipsh*t Man: No, up in the sky!
Woman: Yeah, yeah, it's a bird, it's a plane, it's Vegeta with two hundred thousand yen again.
[Dipsh*t Man and Woman are killed as Gundam Heavy Arms landed and began blowing the living crap out of the Red Light District.]
[Next Scene: Military Base. Launcher Guy was playing Rad Racer (circa 1982) on a PS4 when Command Guy entered and pulled the plug on the game system.]
Launcher Guy: YOU DIPS-er, sorry sir.
Command Guy: The scene's started.
[Nodding, Launcher Guy turned to a readout display that had a sweeping deally and a live-feed to Hideaki Anno's padded cell.]
Sweeping Deally: [sweep] Bad guy. [sweep] Bad guy. [sweep] Bad Guy. [sweep] Hey, peckerheads, bad guy.
Command Guy: Launch Jet Alone!
Launcher Guy: Uh, sir, isn't that-
Command Guy: Look, Anno never blew it up, so the Author was able to acquire it for the Fuji replacement.
Launcher Guy: Who cleans up the nuclear radiation?
Command Guy: This is fiction, dumbass, radiation will give us ki-blasting super-humans, not deaths and mutations.
Launcher Guy: Oh, right. Launching Jet Alone.
[Next Scene: Iczer 1 and Nagisa appear on a street. Nagisa looks at the distant form of Gundam Heavy Arms.]
Nagisa: What the hell? Why am I awake? Did we skip some lines?
Iczer 1: We haven't got time for me to wake you up gently, so pretend I felt you up. [thinking] Which I did. [aloud] Nagisa, monsters ate your parents, so let's get revenge for them.
Nagisa: Okay.
Iczer 1: Iczer-Dougar!
[Holy Rom Armor Dougar, painted silver and green, appeared.]
Nagisa: [staring at the hero-mech from Maze: The Megaburst Space] What the fu-
Iczer 1: Budget. Getting Iczer Robo and downgrading it after Iczer 666 and 1/3 was too much.
Nagisa: Ah.
[An energy beam absorbed Iczer 1 and Nagisa and pulled them into Iczer-Dougar. They appeared inside the mech with Nagisa facing Iczer 1. Iczer 1 had most of her upper-torso free and her clothes on, but Nagisa was both naked and had her arms pinned below the strange restraints of the mech. Her chest was in plain view, however, causing a major distraction for Iczer 1, so tasteful censor bars appeared.]
Iczer 1: Let's go, Iczer-Dougar!
Iczer-Dougar: RAAAAAAAAARRRRR!
[Iczer-Dougar began trashing the city.]
Nagisa: WHAT THE PHUCK IS IT DOING?!
Iczer 1: Sorry, since Dougar's a badass mech, it's gotta cause a lot of collateral damage.
Nagisa: Oh.
[After about eight minutes of annihilating thousands of people and Jet Alone with magical blasts, Iczer-Dougar finally turned to face a sweatdropping Gundam Heavy Arms.]
Urd: HEY! No fair doing more collateral damage than me! [Heavy Arms stomps a retirement home.]
Iczer 1: What?! Look, we're just doing the amount of- what the- [Iczer-Dougar stomps an orphanage in response.]
[Heavy Arms shot a hospital to pieces.]
[Iczer-Dougar annihilated a children's theme park, killing everyone within. And it had been a particularly busy time of the day.]
[Heavy Arms blew up a police station.]
[Iczer-Dougar electricuted an entire school's population to death.]
[The two mechs both slammed a fist into City Hall, then stopped to look at each other.]
[Suddenly, something none of the pilots (or the passengers or the victims) of the two robots could ever explain, they leapt forward and clasped their arms over each other, grinding metal against metal.]
Nagisa: What the hell is going on!?
[Heavy Arms and Iczer-Dougar suddenly vanished into subspace, leaving only an eighty ton timebomb underneath Urd. She screamed as the bomb exploded, engulfing the entire area and hurling Nagisa and Iczer 1 across the remains of the district, through the roof of Nagisa's house to land on Nagisa's bed. Nagisa was out cold.]
Iczer 1: I guess Dougar's going to be replaced. Falling in love like that is a MAIN character's job. TCH, TCH, TCH!
[Iczer 1 passed out.]
[Fam whistled a happy tune as she skipped down the hall of the fortress.]
Fam: Hey, wait, when did the fortress get to Earth?
Author: SHHHHHHH! DON'T POINT OUT THE DISCREP-er, ERRORS!
Fam: [to the Author] You couldn't spell that other word, could you?
Author: Not reliably, no.
Fam: And now, you'll forget all about the scene where I meet Iczer 2, won't you?
Author: No, I just had it misplaced.
Fam: Idiot.
[Fam was hurled down the hall and into the room where Sir Violet and the Chibi-Usa Mask-Wearing freaks were.]
Violet: Fam, we know you are in mourning, but we'd like you to meet your new partner. She's not quite the pure sex-bomb that Urd was, but she's pretty sexy and frisky in her own right.
Fam: Oh, all right.
[In the tank, Iczer 2, the red-haired sister to Deedlit and Pirotase (the elves of Record of Lodoss Wars), sat. She was fully constructed, but she wore a green suit which matched the green screen behind her, making her seem like only her head and neck were done.]
[The next day, Iczer 1 left Nagisa in a park.]
Iczer 1: Here, you stay and get ambushed, I'm going to go do something.
Nagisa: Uh, how do I defend myself?
Iczer 1: [sighing and gesturing to the 1.5/1 scale model of Mega Man X. Which was really Mega Man X.] Him.
Nagisa: NYAAAH! How long has he been there?
Mega Man X: Let's see... 'Here, you stay and get ambushed'.
Nagisa: What am I supposed to do with him?
Iczer 1: Nothing I wouldn't do.
Mega Man X: [assuming puppy-like eyes as he turns to Iczer 1] Will you go out with me?
Iczer 1: No. And I won't have sex with you either.
Mega Man X: Shit.
[Iczer 1 vanished. Nagisa turned to Mega Man X.]
Nagisa: So, you're my bodyguard?
Mega Man X: Yeah, the director thought it was too dull just having you all by yourself. So, he had me come in so we could trade dialogue back and forth.
Nagisa: Why would he care?
Mega Man X: Because then he doesn't have to consider making this into prose format.
Nagisa: Ah.
[The duo began walking through the park.]
Mega Man X: So, do you do much other than star in Iczer 1 remakes?
Nagisa: Well, it's pretty hard when you start out in something as influential as this. I mean, the most you can really ask for is 'background character' without someone wondering if I'll become a key point. I'm beginning to understand how Mark Hamill must have felt.
Mega Man X: Yeah, I guess. I mean, I at least have this armor on for our games, so when I do a cameo or star in a fanfic, no one would immediately recognize me.
Nagisa: Hey, I always wondered.... Sigma....
Mega Man X: Yeah, he's a nice guy. Makes great mocha-
[Suddenly, a man leapt in front of them.]
Police Man: BLARG! I am a creature!
Nagisa and Mega Man X: [deadpanned] You haven't transformed yet.
Police Man: Oh...
[Mega Man X powered up his X-buster and shot the Police Man through the torso. However, the blast also cooked all of the flesh and muscle off of the officer and caused several trees beyond the corpse to explode violently. Without caring, Mega Man X and Nagisa continued on their way.]
Mega Man X: Anyway, Sigma does have some problems, but otherwise, he's no different than Wily.
Nagisa: So why the 'X' stage?
Mega Man X: There are a lot of reasons, but the two biggest were that I was still growing. It didn't show in Mega Man 1-6, but 7 and 8? You could tell. I took a break from 6 to start the X series. We wanted a plot that didn't revolve around Wily, while still have that cliche around. Sure, it was pretty tired, but we added new flavor and such. Reinvented how people thought. Like the Mega Buster. Hell, most people thought that was genius. Of course, The last four games were actually on account of Wily himself.
Nagisa: What?
Mega Man X: Well, see, Wily came down with some nasty disease. I was too terrified to ask what it was. I felt like it could crush me if I heard that it was one of the better known ones without a cure. Wily was in and out of the hospital for the entire span of most of the games, so that's why we had those 'cover' stories. There were supposed to be replacements, but Wily would always surprise us all by showing up and revealing it to be part of 'his plan'. I tell ya, it always felt good seeing him back in that silly UFO of his. Anyway, after 8, his doctor told him to stay put.
Nagisa: I'm not sure if I should be happy or not. It sounds wonderful that he was able to make that many comebacks, but it's terrible that it had to happen to him.
Mega Man X: Yeah, it kinda felt like my own dad was dying, ya know? Wily was always there in the early days, helping me gain confidence in myself. Hell, he taught me the slide and dash techniques.
Nagisa: I know how it is. It feels odd when you're so used to someone and then they tell you that the next remake won't feature them at all. I guess that's why I agreed to do this parody. Iczelion was missing Iczer 1. She showed up a few times for the manga or for the silohouette shots, but she didn't stay long and... I really missed her.
Mega Man X: Yeah. It's really hard getting used to new casts. I mean, we didn't get to talk much, but me and the original six... we were tight, ya know? That's why I manage to wrangle them some jobs for Mega Man 3. They were my posse. Just like Roll, Wily and Light were. Beat, Tango, Eddie? They were close too, but they weren't with me during the really tough years. I mean, Rush and Proto Man were the ones I was really close with. And I really got to like Bass. But I made some tight friends with the X production too. Like Zero.
Nagisa: I know, but we've got to continue the scene.
Mega Man X: Oh yeah.
[Suddenly, a young girl's crying was heard. The duo raced around the corner to see Hotaru Tomoe crying over the fallen form of Miko Mido.]
Mega Man X: I hate it when the director slashes the casting budget.
Nagisa: What's wrong, little girl?
Hotaru: My mommy-er, older sister fell down all of a sudden. She said something about her hip!
Mega Man X: After all those La Blue manga and anime? I wouldn't doubt it.
Nagisa: [to X] SHHH! [to the little girl] Don't worry, we'll protect you.
Mega Man X: What's this 'we' business?
[Nagisa glared at him.]
Mega Man X: Ah, f*ck!
[Mega Man X picked up Miko Mido and the scene changed.]
[Iczer-1 was munching on her lunch, which consisted of several large submarine sandwiches.]
Iczer-1: Finally, a scene where I don't have to practically hump Nagisa's leg to get some attention.
[Iczer-1 varies the speed of her chewing, sometimes fast, sometimes slow. This goes on for about several minutes while the camera does zoom ins on her chest and ass before she finally blasts the camera.]
Iczer-1: Who's responsible for that camera?
Author: Sorry, it was Hal 9000. I've unplugged him and we're getting a non-android in to control the cameras.
Iczer-1: Jeez, this is worse than the time I had to kill those f*ckhead Genom Scientists.
[A new camera appears, but it drops suddenly before spinning out of control around Iczer-1 and finally stopping. Iczer-1 glares at the sky.]
Author: [apologetically] Newbie.
Iczer-1: [sighing] Why can't we have a reliable staff?
Author: Because it's either get a reliable staff or cut out all the action sequences.
[Iczer-1 opened her mouth to reply.]
Author: No.
Iczer-1: You didn't even know what I was going to say.
Author: It's your idea. That's enough.
Iczer-1: Just what the hell does that mean?!
Author: Exactly what you think it means.
[Before Iczer-1 could retort, Iczer-2 appeared, her theme song playing loudly to provide a clear interuption.]
Iczer-2: [in condescending tone] Hello, Roger Smith.... [murmurring to herself] wait, this is Iczer-1, isn't it? [in condescending tone] Hello, Nagisa....
Iczer-1: [to Iczer-2] Hey, fathead, I'm Iczer-1, not Nagisa. [to the author] Now, what the hell gives you the right to talk to me like that?
Iczer-2: HEY! I've entered the scene, bitch, I'm the important nemesis you can't beat until just before you're about to face the main bad guy!
Iczer-1: Yeah, masturbate with your plasma sword for a while, I'm talking to the guy in charge.
[Iczer-2 growled and began gathering plasma in a tight ball of energy.]
Iczer-1: Hey, dickweed, an answer, now!
[Iczer-2 blasted Iczer-1 into a distant building.]
Author: Gawd, I love these wandering monster attacks. By the way, you rolled a 4 on your saving throw versus back-attacks. It looks like your crystal statue of Tifa Lockheart shattered into a million pieces.
Iczer-1: No way! I was wearing a Ring of Protection +4 and-HEY, WAIT A MINUTE! I left that in my special subdimension where Iczer Robo-
[Iczer-1 was so distracted trying to yell at the Author that the Iczer-2 got another cheap shot in, sending her flying across the city.]
Iczer-2: Sure, being a tool for the Author's retorts may be shameful, but DAMN! It feels GOOD to smack that bitch up! AND HOW COME THERE WAS NEVER AN ICZER-2 SERIES?! TAKE THIS!
Author: Damn, I am __EVIL__. [grin]
[Back with Nagisa, Mega Man X and Miko Mido were alone as Hotaru and Nagisa discuss something in the kitchen.]
Hotaru: ...and he started screaming and-
Nagisa: [turning green] Hotaru, stop telling me about the movie Deliverance, okay? I don't think I'll ever want to see that movie.
Hotaru: Okay... did I ever tell you about the one time Chibi-Usa and I got into a cat fight as adults?
Nagisa: No. What happened?
Hotaru: Well, it was kind of one sided. Chibi-Usa was going through this phase where she was getting dumped by guys left and right. I think they said something about her performance in 'R' and 'Super S'. Well, she got really pissed and started taking it out on me...
Nagisa: That's terrible.
Hotaru: She didn't mean to, honestly, but it was just a way of venting. I got really mad this one time, when she started making biting comments about Haruka-papa and Michiru-mama... I think she was under an author's influence when she said the things she did about Michiru-mama... well, they'd been my legal guardians my entire life, so I got mad, so I shoved her into the ground, grabbed the blunt end of my Glaive and shoved it right up her-
Nagisa: I assume you'd seen Deliverance before this?
Hotaru: How did you guess?
Nagisa: And I assume you saw Deliverance because you thought...
Hotaru: ...it was a religious film about getting rid of aggression. [chuckling evilly] Boy, did it work.
Nagisa: Ah. So, what happened after you... ah, taught her a lesson?
Hotaru: Well, let's just say we're special friends like how Iczer-1 _wants_ to be special friends with you.
Nagisa: Thank whatever goddesses that be that you can't tell me anything because of the fact that you're eight years old.
Hotaru: So THAT'S why. I thought you were just getting ill from it.
Nagisa: I WAS!
House: BLARG! I AM A MONSTER!
Nagisa: [sarcastically] Shit, ya think?
[Mega Man X raced upstairs. Miko Mido sat up as Hotaru and Nagisa begin screaming.]
Miko: Hotaru-chan?
[Suddenly, Miko felt the presense of a tentacle demon behind her.]
Tentacle Demon: [laughing malevolently] Remember me, Miko-chan? From Bedwetter's Camp? I've been waiting for this for a loooong time....
[The scene cut away to show Mega Man bursting into the room, tripping and falling face-first into the carpet. Standing back up, Mega Man blinked as two blurs shot past him. Looking into the room, the demon stood, a television fused into it's torso as it played "Battle CanCan", the absolute worst pornographic video of all time.]
Mega Man X: X-BUSTER, OVERLOAD!
[The explosion took the roof off the house and ended Mega Man X's life (until someone hit the reset button or pressed 'Continue' again), but destroyed the demon and it's mastercopy tapes of pure and utter torture, such as "Akiko", "Balthus: Tia's Radiance", "Dark Warrior" and "Panzer Dragoon". And lo, all would remember Mega Man X's noble sacrifice.]
{A brief intermission, for the curious}
Author: Gillberg, what the hell are you doing in there?
Gillberg: [aka. the tentacle demon, it's tentacles up in curlers as he and Miko watch Sleepless In Seattle] What? Me and her are just having some ice cream...
{end intermission}
[Iczer-1 found herself pulled out of the pavement by her hair.]
Iczer-2: [the faint overlay of the author appearing briefly over her body] You know something, I hate only a few types of heroes and you're one of them. I don't hate you as a person, I certainly don't hate the powers of the Iczers or the Iczelions, and Iczer-Robo was pretty cool for it's era. But one thing I can't stand is this...
[Iczer-1 found herself flung backwards, her feet digging trenches in the pavement as she tried to halt her backward momentum. As she stopped, she fell to her knees and glared at the author possessed Iczer-2.]
Iczer-2: I hate it when a hero denies that which is rightfully theirs. Utena Tenjou does it, the lesser Sailor Senshi do it, and countless others have done it. [Iczer-2's face is a grim mask of hatred.]
Iczer-1: [panting as she recovered] What... might.. that be? What do we deny... that is rightfully ours?
Iczer-2: [the author's overlay fading from existance] Your potential for greatness.
[Iczer-1 stared after the image as Iczer-2 staggered, the possession having left her senses awry.]
Iczer-1: My potential for greatness? What does that mean?
[Iczer-1 dodged as a fireball exploded to her left.]
Iczer-2: Go get Nagisa. We're not done until the mecha battle.
Iczer-1: [considering her options] This parody's getting pretty serious, isn't it?
Iczer-2: Perhaps. Maybe it's less a parody and more of an attempt to get you to be what you truly can be.
Iczer-1: He took over your body, so you know what he's really planning.
[Iczer-2, grinning ear to ear, fades as the setting sun strikes the buildings just so. A simple and repeating jungle-esque melody began playing as Iczer-1 caught sight of two shadows on the wall. They're both of female (or appear to be so). The first had short wavy hair with a ribbon on top while the second had two pigtails.]
Shadow Girl A: Do you know, do you know? Have you heard the news? There's going to be a duel in downtown Tokyo.
Shadow Girl B: Brave heroine, fighting will be harder than you think.
Shadow Girl A: And there will be a definite twist. Do you know what it is?
Shadow Girl A and B: [in unison] Do you know, do you know, do you know what it is?
[The sun finally set and the shadow girls vanished, their funky jungle music fading too. Iczer-1 just stared for a bit before she felt something tug within her. She turned and halted. Suddenly, a noise began filling her ears and she clutched her head in a vain attempt to block it out. She collapsed as it overwhelmed her.]
[Iczer-1 wondered where she was. She found herself standing in the middle of a platform with four possible paths. To her right was a brilliant light, to her left an inky blackness, behind her was a swirl in colors and before her was grey.]
Iczer-1: Where am I now? [growing angry] COME ON, YOU JERK! I KNOW YOU'RE JUST WAITING FOR THE CHANCE TO EXPLAIN! YOU PURPOSEFULLY MADE ME TOO STUPID TO KNOW WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT!
Author: [appearing from the inky blackness to Iczer-1's left] Oh? Are you really that stupid? Or did you make yourself that way because this was a parody? All I've done was add the potential for humor. THe story was always yours to craft.
[Iczer-1 spun angrily to face him.]
Iczer-1: No, it wasn't. You've created everything up until now.
A-kun: [appearing from the chaotic rainbow to Iczer-1's left] Okay then, if I did create you and this world, then why would you complain?
[Iczer-1 turned to face him, then paused and glanced back at the Author. A-kun and the Author both arched an eyebrow and glared at each other. To Iczer-1's right, Android 16 from Dragon Ball Z stepped out of the grey and from the light behind Iczer-1 stepped Valgaav of Slayers.]
Iczer-1: [glaring at A-kun and the Author] What's going on here?
Author: I'd abdicate to A-kun for this little explanation. 'Super Human' that he is, he should be able to explain FAR better than me.
A-kun: Author, shut the hell up.
[The Author vanished only to be replaced by Belldandy from Ah! Megami-sama. A-kun stepped forward. Alita from Battle Angel Alita appeared in his place.]
A-kun: You see, this is one of those metaphysical crossroads that you've no doubt had to face.
Iczer-1: Pffft, like I ever had the chance.
A-kun: Perhaps not, but now you do.
Iczer-1: Riiiight, and I'm just supposed to believe that?
A-kun: [smiling sardonically] If you did believe that just on my say-so, then you would have proven that the Author still had some control over you. So, for argument's sake, let's just review the crossroads, shall we?
Iczer-1: FINE! Like I have much of a choice.
A-kun: You may have heard that human vision is distorted. No matter how good or wide our vision is, we're still limited by the fact that we cannot see in 360 degrees. [A-kun motions to the chaotic rainbow behind Iczer-1] That's why this path is rarely seen, save by the geniuses and the fools.
Iczer-1: Uh... huh... and how does this explain this crossroads business?
A-kun: Well, there are a number of paths that you could take. [A-kun gestures to where Iczer-1 is standing] The path you're standing on is the one where nothing changes. You follow the script as best as you can, no changes, no alterations. That's option one. [A-kun motions to the grey] Option two, is you, by deliberate intent or accident, fail. You save no one, you undo nothing of Big Gold's, you lose Iczer-Robo, and/or you die. [A-kun motions to the light] The third option is that you become nigh-religious in your fanaticism to kill and destroy everything of Big Gold's ever done to anything and wind up with a hollow existance, always hunting and fighting like a mindless beast of destruction, only vaguely better than Big Gold. [A-kun gestures to the darkness] The fourth option is to focus on making sure Nagisa's safe, which means leaving her in Iczer-Robo and never fighting. [A-kun motions to the chaotic rainbow] The fifth option is to save Nagisa and the Cthuluwulf, return Earth to life, but leave _most_ of the people killed in the afterlife. With only 1/8th of each nation's populations managing to make survive so far, it might bring a new age of enlightment for mankind and/or provide a home for the Cthuluwulf and you get to stay with Nagisa.
Iczer-1: [crossly] Is that it?
A-kun: Oh, there are plenty of other options, but the point is that many of them aren't ones you'd like. Like you self-destructing and taking Earth, the Cthuluwulf and everyone else into the afterlife. Big Gold's recovered from the last battle it was in, but not by much. Of course, that leaves all of Big Gold's children behind. There's also an option where you go and kill Nagisa before commiting suicide. One where you leave Nagisa in a tree and head off in a suicidal charge against Big Gold's fortress, managing to defeat Big Gold and it's servants, but becoming critically injured and destroying Tokyo. Then there's one where you have Nagisa woo Iczer-2 to your side and the two of you go kill Big Gold together after a threesome sex fest that last tweleve hours. And there's also the one where you surrender to Big Gold and become it's willing slave...
Iczer-1: [huffing] I get the picture.
A-kun: Endless possibilities, there's just very little desire for most heroes or villians to follow up on them. That's where the crossroads are actually useful.
Iczer-1: [quirking an eyebrow] How so?
A-kun: The crossroads create the most definitive course of action for a person. You refuse to take the lesser paths and choose a main goal. This makes it very easy to decide the next course of action, but it can make some decisions even more painful. [gesturing to Valgaav] Destruction / Purification of the Evil. [gesturing to the Android 16] Desperation to succeed in your main goal. [gesturing to Belldandy] Protection of the one you love. [gesturing to the Alita] Happiness at the cost of others. [gesturing where Iczer-1 stood] Indifference of everything. Each of these can be used for good or evil. Or as they're usually termed- [gesturing above them, where Parn of Record of Lodoss stood] Heroism... [gesturing below them, where Big Gold sat] ...and Villiany.
Iczer-1: [glaring at him] And now I have to choose.
A-kun: [shrugging] Take as long as you like, but know that right now, you stand on indifference. And that will only end in you losing your will to that of the author. You will be the butt of the author's jokes, you will have to follow the author's stupid parody plot, you will have to endure all the bizarre alterations. Let's face it, in truth, there are no limitations in this story. The author can pick whatever the author wants and get away with it. This one choice is yours to make, not the author's.
[With that said, A-kun teleported away. Iczer-1 stumbled forward and looked back to see a duplicate of herself standing in the middle of the crossroads.]
Iczer-1: [thoughtfully] My choice.
[Iczer-1 stood at an unprecedented crossroads for a character thought to be fictional. The chance to be herself. Not a mouthpiece of others, not a two-dimensional personality, not a character to be mocked, not to be teasingly referred to as a "Saiyan wannabe". She had the chance. But, now she was lost. Truly free from obligations, free from requirements of heroly duties, free from restraints and free from boundaries. All that lead up to was that she was lost. She had been controlled for her entire life and now she was being given the chance to do as she pleased.]
Iczer-1: What do I do?
Belldandy: You can protect what you have.
Android 16: You follow your duty.
Duplicate Iczer-1: You can let the author decide.
Parn: You can be a hero.
Valgaav: You can destroy it all.
Big Gold: You can give up your freedom for the comfort of a leash.
Alita: You can walk your own path.
[Iczer-1 considers all the angles presented. All the possibilities. And came to a conclusion.]
[Nagisa and Hotaru were busy cowering in an almost-abandoned casino. Neither girl knew where in Tokyo to find a casino until now and they had been surprised that the hardcore gamblers had stayed behind. Better to do something comforting when you die than run around screaming like a chicken before an AC-20 shreds you to pieces. Thus, the monsters were actually having trouble as old men and women of all sizes and ways of life started beating on them for ruining their luck.]
[Suddenly, the roof exploded off, revealing Iczer-1 standing on a giant robot's hand as it descended and manuevered to Nagisa's location. Nagisa could only stare at the enormous mech.]
Iczer-1: Get in Nagisa, Hotaru. It's time to rewrite a script.
[Both of the human girls stared blankly in shock for a few seconds before grinning madly.]
Nagisa: All RIGHT! I love you, Iczer-1!
Iczer-1: [blushing] I know. Let's get going.
[The trio transformed into columns of light and entered into the mech that replaced Iczer-Dougar.]
Iczer-1: [surprised as she appeared in the mech's cockpit] Nagisa, I feel you.... you're synchronizing with me....
Nagisa: DUH! I wanna break out of this shell too!
[Iczer-1 smiled.]
[Iczer-2 and Fam sat in the cockpit of Gundam Deathscythe when the new mech flew up and landed a mere 200 meters away. Fam stared. Iczer-2 gawked.]
Iczer-2: [via comlink] HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET THAT?!
Iczer-1: [via comlink][grinning widely] I beat the author at Chu Chu Rocket. Kinda easy since the author's never played it.
Iczer-2: [sweating] And how the hell are we supposed to damage DANGAIO?!
Iczer-1: [grinning wider] You don't.
Hotaru, Iczer-1 and Nagisa: PSYCHIC WAAAAAVUH!!
[Gundam Deathscythe was never meant to battle psychic energy. It had been created in a universe where foresight was the only psychic talent ever even heard of. It slammed heavily against the Cthuluwulf fortress, cratering the armor.]
Iczer-1: Let me tell you this. I'm here to break this annoying habit of fanfiction authors doing nothing more than repeating the stock dialogue and tossing in a few wacky renamed characters.
[A red robot appeared next to a blue android. A Dangaio Beam sliced the two to pieces.]
Iczer-2: [her eyes widening] Red Ass, Blue Butt!
Fam: [startled] Even against a mech, they should have been able to stand two attacks.
Iczer-2: Especially since they had forceshields on and at full power.
[Fam and Iczer-2 exchanged hasty and very nervous glances. Gundam Deathscythe raised the white flag of surrender.]
Iczer-1: Cool beans, sis. After this, you might just get that Iczer-2 series you wanted.
Iczer-2: EXCELLENT!
[Fam was teleported into the empty slot in Dangaio and both Dangaio and Gundam Deathscythe turned to the fortress.]
Big Gold: HEY! Don't I get a show?
Iczer-1: Not-
Iczer-2: -ON-
Fam & Nagisa: [in unison] -YOUR-
Hotaru: [flaring her Sailor Saturn transformation] -*_LIFE_*!!!
[The fortress imploded from the titanic blast sent after Big Gold. With synchronization, the power of Sailor Saturn and the technology stolen from the Cthuluwulf under their combined command, Iczer-1 and Iczer-2 restored life to those who deserved it and gave everyone else the chance at rebirth. The Cthuluwulf had a new home on Earth.]
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Author: That was how it could have been. How about this?
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[Gundam Deathscythe was never meant to battle psychic energy. It had been created in a universe where foresight was the only psychic talent ever even heard of. It slammed heavily against the Cthuluwulf fortress, cratering the armor.]
Iczer-1: Let me tell you this. I'm here to break this annoying habit of fanfiction authors doing nothing more than repeating the stock dialogue and tossing in a few wacky renamed characters.
[A red robot appeared next to a blue android. A Dangaio Beam sliced the two to pieces.]
Iczer-2: [her eyes widening] Red Ass, Blue Butt!
Fam: [startled] Even against a mech, they should have been able to stand two attacks.
Iczer-2: I don't scare that easil-AWK!
Fam: [putting Iczer-2 into a strangle hold] Oh, no. We're _accepting_ defeat!
Iczer-1: EXCELLENT! Iczer-Dangaio! POWAH UPPUH!
[Gundam Deathscythe, Iczer-2 and Fam transformed into energy and fused with Iczer-Dangaio. Iczer-Dangaio transformed into Iczer-Gunbuster.]
Big Gold: Aw, mother-@$*!#$*!#%* A !@#(#$&@#!!!
[Iczer-Gunbuster opened fire at Big Gold and the Cthuluwulf fortress.]
Big Gold: NOT AGAI-*
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Author: That was how it might have turned out. But this is how it really went.
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[Sweat running down her face, she ran down the marble hallway again and came to an abrupt stop.]
Iczer-1: ...then they opened the door, recognized the singing telegram girl and shot her.
Nagisa: So who did it?
Author: The gun is missing!
Iczer-1: That's right. Ladies, turn out your purses. Gentlemen, turn out your pockets. Whoever has the gun is the killer.
[A-kun turned out the pockets he'd sewn into his red dougi. Hotaru and Nagisa opened their purses and turned them out. Iczer-2 just shrugged as she didn't have a purse or any pockets, the same went for Iczer-1. Fam and Urd pulled their pockets out.]
Author: [pulling out the revolver] I've got the gun! [sneering at the others] I lured you all here...
A-kun: ...to blackmail us. So now what?
Author: First of all, we'll take the bodies and stack them in the cellar. Then, we'll leave, one by one, with me going first. And I'll keep on making fun of each of you. The puns'll get worse, the jokes will be staler and the punchlines even more pathetic. You'll be rehashing 'All Your Base' and other pathetic Zero Wing jokes before I'm through with you.
Hotaru: You won't get away with this.
Author: [smirking] I already have. After all, not one of you has the power to stop me.
Hotaru: That's what you think.
[Hotaru leapt forward, transformed into Sailor Saturn and cut off the author's left arm. The gun was in the author's right arm.]
Hotaru: Bugger it all.
Urd: I won't say that punchline, no matter what.
Author: SAY IT!
Urd: ARRRGH! FINE! "At least now she's disarmed".
Author: Yes, that's better.
Iczer-2: There's one thing you've forgotten. That's a six bullet revolver. It's out of ammo.
Author: [sneering] No, it isn't.
Iczer-2: Oh really? Two for B-kun, one for the chandelier, one for the door, one for the cop and one for the singing telegram. That's six.
Author: [frowning] There was only one for B-kun.
Iczer-2: He _is_ an author. Do you really think he'd only take ONE bullet before letting himself die?
[As the Author pondered that, Iczer-2 dashed forward and sliced off the Author's head and right arm.]
Author: Ah, hell! *DEAD*
A-kun: Wow. How'd you know that much about authors?
Iczer-2: I figured I'd be that arrogant.
A-kun: [muttering to himself] Iczer-1 + Nagisa, Fam + Urd... [realizing] Uh, there's someone left out. Someone who should at least get credit for helping you guys break out of the normal storyline.
Iczer-2: [stroking his chin as she purred] Oh, you'll get credit...
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Authored by C-chan
Co-Author by TharzZzDunN
Metaphysical Mumbo-Jumbo by A-kun
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Iczer-2 and Hotaru: [arm in arm] See ya, A-kun!
A-kun: DAMN IT ALL!
THE END... FOR NOW!
Iczer-2's plasma sword: VVSSSHHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU....
THE END!