Hello, my name is the mature and adult-like name of I'll Expecto Your Patronads. Anyway, thank you for clicking on my abomination without me having to do you any favors. This fanfiction is a complete destruction of Pokemon R/S/E dipped in a healthy dosing of meth. I hope you enjoy, and then read and review to boost my ego, which very much help the suffering economy of the Gulf of Mexico.

Chapter One (Oh God it Begins)

"Hello! And welcome to the world of Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory!"

"…Mmm…hrmmph…"

I slowly open my eyes, my beauty sleep being rudely interrupted by an unfamiliar voice. I am surrounded by complete darkness and have no idea where I am. Though I do notice it seems as if I'm sitting upright, with my body bound to a wooden chair. Also, my back hurts. I guess my sleep wasn't so beautiful after all. This saddens me. I begin to cry tears of blood for my lost beauty.

"Huh? Where am I?" I ask this supposedly disembodied voice that woke me up, my blood tears streaming gallantly down my cheeks. I could cry normal tears, but I decided to cry blood ones, for dramatic effect. Because, like Bella Swan from Twilight, I was special.

"You got the golden ticket!" the voice bellowed, completely ignorant of my current display suffering.

"What in fuck's sake are you talking about? This is not ABC Family. This is not the 500th rerun of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory."

A light randomly decides to switch itself on to reveal that the disembodied voice was not actually a disembodied voice, but a person. But not just any person.

"Jack Black?"

"NO. DO NOT ASSOCIATE ME WITH SUCH AN ATROCIOUS NAME. My name is Professor Birch, but you may just call me Birch."

"Okay, Livingston. So, tell me. Why am I tied up to this chair, where am I, and why?"

"One, because after experimenting with Oompa Loompas, Willy Wonka discovered an intense fetish for bondage. Two, you are obviously in a dark, mysterious room. And three, I don't even know why I'm here. Maybe my whole existence is just fan service for some higher being. I totally bet some sort of Pokemon god is checking out my ass right now through x-ray vision or something."

"…Alrighty then. Now what?"

"I will now show you Willy Wonka's newest candy invention, sure to fascinate and give cavities to children everywhere! LE BLUEBERRY MOUSE COME HENCE FORTH AND GRACE US WITH YOUR PIP-PIP-DOODLY-DOO."

He pulled a pokeball from out of his pants and proceeded to slam it on the floor, so hard that it actually broke into 7 pieces that transformed into dragon balls, and spread themselves across the world for Goku to go haul ass and find again. The pokemon still managed to come out though, with a dazzling flash before its body was fully revealed.

"Marill!" squeaked the creature gleefully. It was a cute, blue, round, mouse pokemon.

Or at least, it was for 10 more seconds.

"BIRCH DIGIVOLVE INTO-"

Before the sentence could be finished, Birch ripped off his shirt and digivolved into a giant, horrible, grotesque creature that sort of looked like the lovechild between the beast version of Ganondorf and Kermit the Frog. Celine Dion's 'My Heart Will Go On' started playing in background as he advanced upon the Marill, who looked as if it was going to shit it's pants, despite the lack of pants. He ripped out the poor creature's heart Mortal Kombat-style and ate it, then began devouring the rest of its innards in a lovely display of gorefest. All that remained were bone and bits of scattered flesh that lay about the lit floor.

"Well, that's one clue to where I am. I'm definitely not at Disneyland."

After a few seconds, Birch paused, and his skin started turning blue. Before Tim Burton, whomever created the 1970's version of the Chocolate Factory, or Roald Dahl could come and bitchslap the author's face for copyright infringement, Birch asked his final, dying question:

"Are you a boy, or a girl?"

"Last time I checked, Mother Nature blessed me with a vagina that oozes blood once a month."

And with that, Birch expanded into a majestic, blue ball, and exploded, flinging blueberries and guts everywhere.

"…Ugggggghhh…"

I awaken on a metal, currently bumping floor. Moving my head, I see that I am surrounded by boxes filled with stuff and furniture. I come to my senses and remember where I am. A moving van. I'm moving to Hoenn today.

"God, what the hell did I eat last night to give myself a dream like that…And who the hell put's a 10-year-old kid in a moving van inside the part with all the furniture in it when they move? What if when I was asleep a cabinet fell and busted my head?"

The van suddenly halts to a stop, so quickly that I do not notice it in time and I am flung into the side wall of van, furniture falling and crushing me and glass breaking everywhere.

"GOD-DAMNIT-"

"Hello sweetie! I trust the ride was okay? Didn't break your arm, did you? Hohoho!"

I turned what little of my head that I could to glare at the woman who supposedly birthed me. She smiled, and held up a tray of tea and cookies.

"Once you're able to move again, please come and eat some of these cookies! They're not laced with cyanide this time, either! I'll leave them on the counter for you. Also, remember to start the clock in your room. I'll be in the living room watching the season finale of Dragon Tales if you need me!"

"You insolent bitchwhore of a woman-"

"Oh, you and your names!" she giggled at me and proceeded to skip away into the house, leaving me immobile and extremely uncomfortable underneath all this shitty furniture.

There was only one thing I could do now.

"LIFE ALERT! LIFE ALERT! HELP, I HAVE FALLEN AND CANNOT GET UP!"

A little kid walked by and noticed me in the van. He walked up the ramp and stared at me.

"Hey, a little help here?" I asked, trying to get out.

"What's the magic word?"

"Umm…please?"

"Ding ding ding! Correct! We have a winner! You may now claim your prize!"

He unzipped his pants and proceeded to pee all over my face.

"YOU- OHGODEWW- SON OF A BITCH- OHGODSOMEOFITGOTINMYMOUTH- STOP- DAMMIT STOP- EWW- DEAR GOD HOW MUCH MOUNTAIN DEW DID YOU DRINK TODAY?!"

"About half a gallon and I haven't went for three hours so this may take a minute or two."

After what was quite possibly the most horrible two and a half minutes of my life so far, the kid zipped it back up, put his hands in his pockets, and walked away whistling the Gilligan's Island theme.

After a few minutes of intense struggling with the fresh scent of human piss lathered upon my face, I managed to break free of my furniture imprisonment.

"Ugh…I've got to wipe my face off…" I groaned, trying not to rub it off with the clothes I had on. There was no way I was entering that house with that woman in it to change clothes or do anything. She can go die along with her Dragontale obsession. I looked to the house next to ours and vaguely remembered my father saying that he was friends with the neighbor, and they were old drinking buddies. The Birches, I think he said…wait a minute…

Praying to god that my dream wasn't some sort of horrid premonition of a bizarre adventure I was about to embark upon, I dashed to the house besides ours and rang the doorbell.