Looking back…all the things he did for me…the dad that he didn't have to be. ~Brad Paisley's "He Didn't Have to Be"
xXxXx
Dear Daddy,
I've thought long and hard about what to say, but the truth is, there's so much I want to tell you that I don't really know where to begin.
Todd and I are sitting in the den; he's reading the paper and up until a few minutes ago, I was knitting a blanket for the baby. I'm really tired these days and can hardly wait for this little one to make his appearance. Or hers, I guess, since we asked our doctor not to tell us what we're having. Either way, Todd and I are both super excited, but really nervous too. Only ten more weeks if things continue to go well.
Anyway, while I was working on the blanket, I happened to glance over at Todd and his paper, and that made me start thinking about all the times you and I would read the paper together when I was little; also how much I loved those daddy-daughter dates we used to go on…the Saturday mornings you took me out for breakfast, the Sunday afternoons that were spent at the park, the three-day trips you took me on every summer, even after I stopped thinking they were "cool." I think my favorite trip was the one to the beach, and Captain Dobey and Rosie came along. Do you remember? I was twelve that summer, and we shared a beach house with the Dobeys. I didn't want them to go because I thought it meant you'd have to work and I wouldn't get to see you. But we hardly saw the Dobeys at all, and when the four of us were together, Rosie and I actually got to be pretty good friends. If it hadn't been for that trip, she probably wouldn't have ended up as my maid of honor.
It wasn't too many years after that trip that my rebellious period came along, and I can't tell you how terrible I feel because of those years. It's impossible for me to look back on that time without cringing from regret for how I treated you. I don't bring it up to make you mad or to hurt you - I hope you know that's the last thing I wanna do - but I've got so much on my mind, and I'm trying to organize it all so you can follow my logic.
I remember being sixteen and grounded after getting caught smoking and drinking. The part of me that believed cool kids did those things hated you for punishing me (sorry), and I was determined to show you who was boss. I wish I'd realized then that sneaking out and using a false ID wasn't the way to prove you wrong. It never even occurred to me that my friends and I could get busted, especially by someone that I knew. But looking back on it now, I'm really glad it was Hutch and not somebody else that dragged us in and called our parents. Nobody else could've talked you into leaving me there at the station for a couple hours before coming to pick me up. Not because it gave you time to cool off - even though it did - but because it gave me time to think about what I'd done. It showed me real consequences to my actions…consequences that could've been avoided if I'd listened to you in the first place.
Whatever anger I still felt toward you quickly turned to pity for myself when Hutch told me you'd come to take me home. As he and I walked down the hall, I dreaded the car ride home because I could just imagine all the things you could possibly come up with to say. And I knew that you'd be right.
Hutch and I walked in, and I saw you sitting at your desk with your feet propped up on the corner, leaning back and hands behind your head, your eyes closed. I don't know if it was just the sight of you or the fact that you seemed so calm after I'd so blatantly disobeyed you, but that was the moment I completely fell apart. I was crying so hard I wasn't aware of you standing and crossing the room. The next thing I knew, you were hugging me and I was telling you how sorry I was…over and over. At some point you handed me your hankie and asked if I was ready to go home. Once we got there, the only thing you said about the entire matter was that I'd gained an additional month's grounding. I had prepared myself for a lecture, so your lone comment was completely unexpected. But that one sentence told me everything I needed to know, not in what you said but how you said it. The expression on your face said you were disappointed in me, and the look in your eyes said I'd broken your trust. But the kiss you left on my forehead before going to bed said you still loved me.
Do you remember Jason, the first boy I brought home for you and Mom to meet? I don't remember how old I was, but I'll never forget the look you gave him. It was one that said, "Boy, you'll never be good enough for my little girl. Now where did I leave my gun?" (By the way, I saw in the paper a few weeks ago that he was arrested for murder. Good call on not letting me go out with him again. Ha-ha, just kidding.)
I'm really lucky to have you for a dad. Until I was five, life as I knew it wasn't what it should've been, and after Mom and I met you, you tried so hard to show me that I deserved better. You may not be my biological father, but you are my dad. You were the first real man in my life, and since my first formal dance was a daddy-daughter dance, you were also my very first date. You were there to threaten my boyfriends if they "needed" it…you were there for every broken heart I ever had…you were there to talk some sense into me when I wasn't using any. And you helped me form a mental image of what true love looks like, by how you've treated my mom.
The night you proposed to Mom, you told me that your marrying her meant that someday you'd get to give me away at my wedding. I've never forgotten that, even after all these years, and as I grew up, I fell in love with so many of your qualities, and they became the qualities I looked for in a husband. Todd reminds me so much of you, and if he turns out to be half the father you've been, my baby will be incredibly lucky.
Happy Father's Day, Daddy.
Love always
~Ashley
xXxXx
A/N: I know I said at the end of "To Be Anything Less" that I wasn't planning to continue the series, but a recent PM conversation with one of my reviewers sparked this oneshot series of memories from Ashley's teenage years. And with Father's Day less than a week away, I thought it somewhat appropriate for one more story to be added.