A/N. I hope, this story makes sense for you. But I had it in my head for a long time, finally managing to write it down.
Disclaimer: No. Definitely not.
It is a rather strange feeling – looking through these old photos. Something like watching people she knows through a peephole. As if their past exists in some alternate universe and all she needs to make it real is guess who is who. So she looks and makes her guesses, and sees the little things, and gets to know the stories, hidden beneath the surface of the worn out cards.
Familiar features, blended into a young woman's face. A blue eyed boy in his early teens, grinning at her from the middle of a crowd. A red-headed baby girl, laughing joyously, demonstrating to the world her first and, for the moment, her only tooth.
It's like some kind of a journey, a search for memories, fragments of the picture she already has. Younger Rick with 3-year old Alexis in his arms, standing in front of a lion cage, both wearing looks of pure awe. Much younger Martha in a historical outfit, obviously in the course of some Broadway rehearsal. A cheery group of freshly graduated schoolmates, Rick among them, with a sly smirk on his face. The kind of smirk, that convinces her - he was, indeed, naked under that gown.
Alexis, making her graduation speech, slightly pale, her posture expressing the whole range of different emotions . Absolutely happy and excited Alexis, hugging both her father and grandmother, apparently right after the ceremony. Castle is smiling broadly, joy, pride and sadness mingled in his eyes in perfect proportion. It's not that unusual for such a big moment in the life of his only daughter. But there is also some ill-hidden pain and Kate's heart clenches for a moment. She suddenly remembers what day it was.
The background of the next photo indicates it was made at the Rockefeller Center skating rink. Little Alexis is once again laughing, her face, apart from amusement, expressing a slight shock with something happening out of vision.
"I wonder, what could possibly cause such different emotions."
"Well, as I recall, it was my reaction to Dad's attempts at showing me the right way of doing a "one foot eight".
"Don't tell me. I guess, I have a pretty good idea."
Both Alexis and Kate chuckle in their mutual understanding. They are sitting on the floor of Alexis's bedroom, surrounded by dozens of old photos, their primary task of sorting them for the albums long ago forgotten.
"Oh, I like this one!"
Kate picks up a very nice picture of thirty something Rick, with a breathtaking view behind him. A piercing blue sky, with a couple of oddly shaped clouds in it. Some gnarly, but still ever green trees, stretching their large, heavy branches. And, rising above all this - an amazing, ancient-looking castle, with massive stone walls and high spires. It's somewhat withered, but still very beautiful, a symbol of protection and safety.
"Yeah, me too. We were on holiday in Romania then. It was late spring, Dad wanted to do some kind of research and I was too little to be upset about missing the last few days of school."
Alexis smiles at the pleasant memories.
"It was I, who made the photo, so Dad's favorite joke about it usually would be "There are actually three castles in this picture. The most beautiful is on the other side of the camera"
Kate couldn't help but smile, too.
"Yeah, this is exactly Castle's type of joke."
They spend several minutes in content silence, until Alexis decides to break it.
"Kate?"
"Yes, Alexis?"
"May I…Is it okay if I ask you… a private question?"
There is something in her voice, which gives her a feeling, that this "private question" is somehow connected with a certain man they both care about.
"Yes, sure. What is it?"
Alexis hesitates for a moment. "It's just a bit odd, that you still call Dad by last name. I mean, I know it's a work habit and all that, but wouldn't it be more natural, if you called him Rick, just as he calls you Kate, at least at home?"
She expected anything in the world, but not this. Definitely not this. It takes her aback, makes her feel awkward and exposed, emotionally naked. And it's not like she doesn't have the right answer, or it's not the one she could say out loud, no. It's just so deep and so intimate, so complicated, that she keeps it hidden in the far corner of her heart or, she'd rather say, between the layers of her onion. It's just too precious, too special, like the name she pronounces so seldom. It got even more serious after her recent ordeal.
Seeing Kate's dismay, Alexis tries to pull back. "Sorry, I didn't…Just forget it, okay? I've just being curious, so it's nothing-". She sighs. "I'm sorry"
Kate gives her a small, shy smile, waving her hand to indicate that there is nothing to be sorry about.
"No, Alexis, don't be sorry! It's fine! It really is. It's just – "She inhales deeply and closes her eyes for a moment. " I have only recently managed to answer this question for myself and you - kinda caught me off guard."
She takes a little time, gathering her thoughts, willing to be understood correctly.
"You don't mind if I tell the story from the start, do you?"
Alexis shakes her head, ready to listen to every word. Her father's fiancé has always been a mystery for her. And though there were times when she even hated Detective Beckett, the girl still admired her and wished to know more about the woman, who was such a great part of her father's life.
"You know, when your Dad started following me, I saw a person he showed to everybody else – a self-centered, immature, playboyish kind of guy, who enjoys the spotlight, whatever the cost."
She looks at Alexis somewhat sheepishly, but the red-head just shrugs her shoulders, because yes, it used to be the Rick Castle people knew. But it's ages away and not truth anymore.
"But then he told me something, that touched me deeply, shocked me even. Because he read me like an open book, it actually felt like he was x-raying my soul, you know."
"Yeah, that's exactly the way I feel, when he says the right words, before I get to tell anything at all. Even when I moved in with Pi, I knew he was right, but kept playing independent. You know, just to prove he wasn't." She chuckles sadly, seeing the irony.
"Sounds familiar. One of the reasons it took us so long to get together was my stubbornness in silly attempts to prove…something."
She makes a peculiar hand wave, which is supposed to mean "something".
"Anyway, it was the first time, he made me doubt the reality of Richard Castle – the media star and get to know Richard Castle – the person. Really, there were so many sides of him to see. A loving father for his little girl. A caring son. A selfless, generous man, always ready to help. A faithful friend, a loyal partner. A brilliant mind, despite all his outlandish theories."
Now there is that light in her eyes, and a dreamy smile playing on her lips. Not to mention that all of her is positively glowing, because she thinks of him.
"So, I guess it is a habit, of sorts. A habit to have him as my partner. To have him constantly by my side. Talk to him, get annoyed with him, build theories together. Finish each other's sentences. Smile, when he brings me coffee and laugh at his jokes. Care about him and let him care about me. Protect me. Let myself be weak and vulnerable, cause he will always be there for me to make me feel safe. I know, things like this don't happen in a day, I just wish I could have caught up sooner."
"Well, things have always been more than complicated between you two, weren't they?"
"Oh, yeah! To quote your father, I was "a person with walls" and he "had to scratch and claw for every inch". So, when he finally made it and my walls were crushed completely, he became them for me. Replaced my walls with his own. You see, he is my castle. A place where I'm sure I'll be safe. Where I can drop all pretence and be true to myself, whatever happens. A place to fight for and come back to."
"I have been calling him Castle all this years and it always feels like something comfortable and familiar. Like home, I guess."
She shrugs her shoulders and pauses for a moment. There are tears welling in her eyes.
"I do call him "Rick" too. But it's kinda saved for special occasions."
"Special how?"
The way Alexis is looking at Kate is quite unusual. As if she sees her companion for the first time in her life.
"The moments, when I feel helpless and desperate… and unguarded. Like standing on a bomb, or seeing him die in D.C. Or writing it in a letter a week ago."
"What letter?" Alexis furrows her brows slightly. "Wait! A week ago, meaning…"
"Yeah, when I was undercover."
She inhales, deeply in order to prevent her emotions from taking control.
"Sorry, I shouldn't have told you all this."
Alexis grabs her hand and squeezes it tightly.
"No, no, I'm glad you did! Grams and I, we worried for you, too. Oh, God, I can't even imagine, how you survived through that hell."
Kate smiles happily through the streams of tears on her face.
"Well, I guess your Dad helped me, again. Not in person, but he was in my mind the whole time. I was thinking of him, our heavenly morning that day, our best moments. And I wrote that letter, because I wanted him to know, to have a reminder, that I love him. But then I thought "I can't do this to him, I don't want him suffer like I did after my mom's death. Not when we have so much ahead after losing so much time." So, I tried my best to stay alive, even though I almost failed."
Alexis is about to say something, when Kate becomes suddenly aware of somebody else's presence in the room. She turns her head in the direction of the door and -
"Castle? How long have you been standing there?"
He is standing in the doorway, unable to move or say anything at all. When Castle was approaching his daughter's room, 5 or so minutes ago and heard the voices of his two favorite ladies, he had absolutely no intention to eavesdrop. Okay, may be a little bit, just in case they were talking about him. And they were. But the things he heard were so unexpected and of such a great power, it felt like a shell shock.
Rick can't bring himself to utter a single word, let alone form a coherent sentence. And neither can Kate. So they just lock their gazes, letting their eyes speak instead.
Alexis gently pats Kate's shoulder and rises to her feet.
"Um…I was going to stretch my legs anyway. I'll be in the kitchen if you need me."
She leaves the room, giving her father an encouraging smile on the way. He gratefully smiles back.
Rick finally comes back to reality and makes two awkward steps towards this incredible woman, who is still sitting on the floor.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to…you know."
His voice is hoarse with all the emotions overwhelming him.
Kate stands up and approaches him, just as slowly.
"How much have you heard?"
Castle finally smiles, his whole face lighting up with it.
"Enough to love you even more."
She snakes her arms around his waist.
"Even more than now? Is this possible at all?
There is nothing more to say between them. Because everything has already been said and heard.
So he kisses her. And she kisses him.
I hope you liked my explanation of this. A review would be wonderful. Especially in such a hard Castle-less time...
A.