"In a cup of Tea"
by Shelly Webster and Arsen Dalavaccio
Summary: Folken no longer wishes to live. He cannot see a life with this job, or any reason to get a different job. Could the development of a new friendship open his eyes once more? Series-based. AU. Slash.
Disclaimer: Neither Shelly Webster, Arsen Dalavaccio, the Folken in Arsen's head, nor the Sei in Shelly's head own Escaflowne.
A/N: Thank you ever so much to my precious biscuit for writing this with me and letting me always be right! Nevermind that I always am right, no matter what. This is not a companion piece to Determined Protector, but it is the same doctor and a similar universe, so reading it will help with understanding this. Or read the RPG threads at Fate's Toy. Thanks also to the lovely D for betawork.
Chapter 1
Tea-time Philosophy and Renewed Ponderings
"Strange logic, Sei."
Folken sat at the doctor's table, trying to understand this foreign man once more.
"No stranger than yours."
"True."
This exchange seemed nearly a ritual, it was repeated so often in their conversations.
Dr. Sei Erimentha did not know why the young man came, but so long as it was not disturbing his in-patient, Dilandau Albatou, he enjoyed the quiet conversation. Not everyone questioned his thinking so much, or really talked to him at all. The soldiers aboard the Vione were not exactly fond of medical personnel.
"Would you care if I made some tea?"
Folken's first visit to the infirmary was routine – a check on Dilandau when he was first sent there for the furrow Van's sword left in his cheek.
The physician's blatant concern for his patient instead of the cold professionalism that pervaded Zaibach's culture particularly in the military intrigued the distant Strategos. He puzzled over why the man should care, especially for such an unpleasant patient.
He returned.
The doctor offered tea on the first visit. Folken rapidly discovered that the unfamiliar brew was the best beverage he had ever been served.
Sei's tea was an old family secret. He shared the recipe with no one, and never even let anyone take the tea from his chambers within the infirmary.
The Draconian was displeased with some of Sei's opinions, but he returned, asking for a cup of tea and a bit of conversation. He did not always receive tea, but he was given glimpses of how the doctor thought. It was difficult to tell which he considered the greater gift.
Slowly they had progressed to informal address. They dropped titles when speaking in privacy. Folken would point out how old Sei was, or Sei would remark on how many pranks were pulled on the Strategos. It was a friendship, of sorts, though an odd one.
Dilandau still hated Folken, so they met when the youth slept or was otherwise absent from the infirmary. He was being held in the infirmary partly because of the mutual fondness the doctor and commander had found, and partly because Sei was so concerned about how Dilandau might act if given too much time alone.
When Dilandau slept, they met in quarantine, at the back of the infirmary.
On this occasion, he was instead polishing his Alseides, trusting no one else near the 'melef.
Folken had made tea from Sei's blend once in the past. It was not so good as when Sei made it, but today he did not feel like troubling with it, so Folken tried once more.
Folken poured the tea and Sei sipped the inferior beverage.
Folken pulled a book out from his toga and began to read it. He was not in the mood to talk.
"What are you reading?"
Folken showed Sei the title: A Brief Look at Philosophy, volume 10.
"Any good?"
Folken didn't have a smile on his face, but he felt one inside. He had written the 35-volume set, though Sei apparently did not know this.
"Quite." He then went into a long-winded, almost unintelligible commentary on the philosophical theories he found most correct, and some he found inaccurate.
Sei tried to follow, finally asking if Folken agreed with what he spoke of. Philosophy had never really been his own field of study.
"Some of it, yes." Philosophy evolves, as most things do. Some of Folken's views had changed since he wrote the text, though not many.
"Ah." Brief, but at least Sei could follow what he was saying now.
Folken sipped his tea.
"What do you think...?"
Sei was puzzled by the question.
"I mean, what are some of your philosophies?"
He had never given this much thought, at least, not worded that way.
He said as much, finally adding one of his stronger thoughts and feelings. "We live the best we can, and what else can we do?"
The physician was unsure if this was a philosophy, but it was a truth of his life. Perhaps even the truth of his life.
The Strategos seemed to disagree.
"We must actively pursue our best though. If we didn't, we would most likely slip into that horrid state in which we do not accomplish anything."
"Perhaps when one feels nothing is accomplished, one just cannot see what is happening." Sei knew that there are many views, though he did not always accept what the others seemed to say.
"Perhaps. And perhaps, contrary to what everyone seems to think, a person can actually be right about what he or she sees." Folken was frustrated by the constant opposition from the doctor.
"No one can see everything perfectly." He spoke of both himself and of his younger colleague.
"No, but sometimes we see well enough for what we need." We see what we need. He has no right to try to change this.
"And sometimes we blind ourselves to believe that."
"Yes."
Folken sipped his tea and flipped a page in the book. He suddenly shut it and laid it down.
"Do you ever play chess, Sei?"
"I'm quite a bit rusty at it." Sei neglected to mention that he was extremely talented at it when he had played.
"That's alright. I'll go easy on you." Folken took a small chessboard and box of pieces from a deep pocket of his attire.
"That wouldn't be right." Sei knew that chess, as most games, lost the fun when one did not play earnestly.
"Very well. I shall be ruthless." He paused. "How is that?"
Having never seen Folken play chess and going so long without playing himself, Sei had no idea how the game would go. After all, one does not become the Strategos of any country by haphazard planning.
"Better than going easy on me." he answered at last.
Folken smirked. Chess was his forte and always had been.
"Which color would you like, red or white?" Red for aggression, passion. White; calm, harmony.
"It doesn't matter." Sei never preferred one over the other. His skill came from within.
"Very well."
Folken took the white set and left the red for his opponent. Sei set up his pieces, looking at the set as he did so.
"This is a very fine set you have."
"Thank you. I made it myself."
"Really? How did you find that talent?" Sei had never had a knack for anything artistic, despite his freer nature.
"When I was apprenticed to a sorcerer here, I had plenty of time to do nothing. So I studied sculpting and carving."
"Ah." It seemed an unusual combination of activitites. "Why did you study sorcery?"
After a moment's delay, Folken answered. His sorcerer days were not something he readily spoke of. "To help others."
He moved a pawn one pace.
The game had begun.
Sei looked the board over. After some hesitation, he moved a pawn.
"Why did you give it up?" While everyone knew that Folken had resigned, it was never spoken of. It was a subject even more taboo than Dilandau's past.
"It became too much for me. I do love science, but I...well, I just don't have the heart for some of the things it is capable of."
Sei smiled sadly. "I know what you mean...It was so hard, being told that I have to let some patients die..." Hard enough that he had nearly given up medicine, despite his skill and his love for it.
Folken glowered. "That is not what I meant." He moved another piece.
"It is still a hard life."
"Yes, I can imagine." All lives are hard, as Folken had learned by now.
Sei studied the board before shifting his queen.
"I wanted to study plants. That's really all I planned on doing, if it would have worked out."
"I never pictured you the plant type." Sei was fond of nature, but Folken was always so cold that it made as much sense to him as Dilandau hugging Van Fanel.
"I love nature. And plants do offer quite a few things, such as medicine. And tea." Folken sipped his tea.
Sei smiled.
"No one appreciates that here, and I see that the sciences have advanced us far enough that we don't really need that sort of knowledge on Gaea anymore."
"That is where you are wrong. My best cures are herbal, not medicinal."
"I...don't cure anyone. I never did." This knowledge made him feel almost a waste of life. All he ever tried to do was help, but it never seemed to save anyone, let alone save himself.
"So you decided medicine has no value?"
"Oh, some does have a measure of usefulness."
"Such as?" Sei was curious what would be deemed desirable by the hollow man.
Folken sipped his tea, causing a dramatic delay. "Sedatives." He smirked.
Sei frowned. "They are not healthy."
"Maybe not. But they do come in handy quite a bit."
"They would not be necessary if sorcerers did not always meddle."
"They 'meddle' for the greater good. And it is your turn."
"I see no good and I've been awaiting your move."
"I did move..."
"When?" His tone displayed his knowledge that this was not the case.
Folken returned his focus to the game, moving the queen.
Sei frowned, several deep wrinkles appearing in his forehead. He moved his queen once more.
Folken moved a pawn.
Sei used a bishop to counter any possible risk to his pieces.
One of Folken's knights took action.
Sei shifted a knight of his own.
Folken moved his queen.
"I thought you said you were rusty."
"I haven't played in years; I still do remember the rules."
"Yes, it always comes back to you."
"That it does," he replied with a sigh. "I played this with my brother." Lauralion had been so fascinated with battle, even when it was only on a chessboard.
"You care a great deal for your brother."
"And you do for yours as well," he challenged.
"Very much, yes." Folken smiled wistfully. He missed Van.
"At least you might see yours again..." Sei said softly, missing his own brother. Lauralion's love of battle had been his downfall.
"I should hope so, but it isn't likely."
"Why not?" If he so clearly missed his brother, and they both lived, it was only right that they should meet again.
"Loyalty is an important thing to Zaibach." He scowled. "How loyal would I appear to be by consorting with Fanelian royalty?"
"You would only be acting with loyalty."
"Acting? As in I have no loyalty to Zaibach?" Sei's words confused him; he always worded things so differently from the others Folken might speak with. That combined with his own secret thoughts and longings put Folken on the defensive.
Sei shook his head. "Your actions, interacting with your brother, are another loyalty. After all, if one betrays family, what will one be loyal to?"
"I don't have much in the way of family. I'm sure Van hardly remembers me."
"Just like I hardly remember my brother after over 30 years?"
"Touché." Sei had him there. "He wouldn't know me now though."
"But you're still his brother; that means a lot, especially to the younger sibling."
"Yes." His brother meant a lot; couldn't Sei see that his work in Zaibach would ultimately help Van? "And if I hadn't betrayed him, I would have gone back."
"How did you betray him before leaving?" As the medic saw it, the betrayal was leaving.
"I lost."
"Lost?" Sei knew little of Fanelia, so had no inkling of what Folken spoke.
"I lost in a ritual to become king." He paused, moving his mechanical hand slightly. "That is how I happened to lose my arm, if you ever wondered."
"Ah. And so you left because he would have to be king? You didn't even stay to offer your knowledge to him?" He never seemed that cold to me, where his brother is concerned.
"I left because I couldn't go back. I nearly died. Emperor Dornkirk saved my life. I couldn't just abandon him." Folken was very displeased to have his actions of years before questioned like this. It did no good wondering once more what might have been. It only woke more pain.
"And you couldn't find a different way to show your gratitude? Just blind servitude?"
"It was not blind servitude. His ideals make sense. That was why I didn't go back. Van will be better off once Zaibach accomplishes its goals."
"Which include killing him? It might not always have been blind, but your service now is. And theories tend to work better in theory than in practice."
Folken stared. Since he had come to Zaibach, he had never known anyone to question Dornkirk like this, particularly once he became Strategos.
"So you don't believe in any of Zaibach's ideals?" Why is he serving Zaibach if the nation and its goals mean nothing to him?
Sei didn't want to get into specifics at the moment, so he merely replied, "I do not believe they will succeed quite as well as the Emperor expects them to."
"Interesting." Folken took a long drink of his tea, savoring it and contemplating Sei's words.
"And have you no such thoughts?" Sei knew that Folken was very intelligent and clearly prone to deep thought. Such thoughts must have crossed his mind at least once.
"No." The endless questions were becoming frustrating. "I told you, his ideas make sense."
"Loyal to a fault. How quaint. It might be a greater help to him if he saw more of the world instead of only himself and his ideas. He relies too much on science."
"Science is something that truly measures progress." Sei's words were grating against his nerves. Again.
"And your plants? He sees none of them. He would destroy them." The whole world becoming a sterile laboratory was such a scary, empty vision that Sei suppressed a shudder.
Folken said nothing for a long moment. Finally, he spoke again. "He does listen to me." He was trying to convince himself, now that Sei stirred these old, buried doubts in him.
Sei was clearly not going to allow him any such reassurance, immediately asking, "But what do you tell him?"
"What I need to." This was true, but was too close to admitting Sei was right, so Folken added, "We both believe in the same thing."
"Do you tell him anything about your other ideals, or just the hope for peace?"
The Strategos was startled. "My other ideals? What do you mean?" This doctor knew too much about him. It was not comforting.
"That's for you to know, when you cease blinding yourself." The medical man shifted a piece on the board. "Checkmate."
Folken stared at the board, surprised. He never loses. At anything. "Interesting."
"Ah?"
"You've found a way to distract me into losing. Very hard to accomplish, you know."
Sei smiled. "Was it distraction or skill?"
"Perhaps it was skill."
Sei's words softened in fond recollection. "I always did beat Lauraelion."
"Who?" Folken asked the question before he could stop himself.
"My brother..." Sei's stroll down memory lane was turning sour, recalling how his brother had died.
Folken left him in peace, staring down at the chessboard, trying to determine how his defeat had come about.
Sei remembered the letter that had come, stating very coldly that soldier 523M85 was deceased.
Sei's opponent spoke again, mercifully pushing away the recollections. "I rarely, if ever, am defeated in this game, that's all."
"You are a challenge, in many ways." Sei spoke of more than just playing chess, obviously. When Folken smirked, he added a more significant remark. "But worthy."
Folken's head bowed slightly in acknowledgement. "You are a worthy opponent as well. Which is why I will put up with you and your ideas about my 'blind faith.'"
"So must we always be opponents then?" Sei was saddened by this. Someone so intelligent and enjoyable to spend time with, but never to be anything akin to a friend.
Folken indicated this was the case. "Because we have different motivations driving us. But a good fighter always appreciates another, even if he must kill him."
Sei decided to start another small verbal battle, challenging this idea. "Or teach him a new manner of fighting."
"Perhaps. If he has the time." Folken then made a slight jab at Sei. "Some fighters are just stubborn, though."
Sei smiled. Folken was far more stubborn than he, from what he saw. "For the right opponent, one ought to make time; stubbornness does not always last." That was his driving hope in some conversations with Folken.
Folken agreed, for once. "Everyone gives in eventually."
"Perhaps."
The Strategos took another sip of the tea. "Sei, I know what you're up to. You don't agree with Zaibach's goals. And you'd like me to change my mind."
"I would like to see that you can still think for yourself." He paused, needed to get the words of his explanation right. "I don't disagree with Zaibach: I see flaws though."
"But does not the jeweler try to remove the flaws and improve them?"
"What could possibly make you think I don't think for myself?" Sei could be so aggravating...Where did he even get these ideas?
"I see you, so clearly intelligent, but you are empty. You have no real hopes anymore. You're not real anymore, so you can't think."
It cut the younger man deeply, to have the truth spelled out so. He sighed, downing his whole cup of tea and pouring more. "And what about you? Why the hell are you here if you see such flaws?" He was a bit miffed.
Sei answered honestly, though he doubted Folken would approve of his answers. "Because of my brother and because I do have hope. Hope that someone who has the power will try to find them and fix them."
"You hope for your brother..." Folken moved on, not liking thoughts of brothers. "Well, you know what, Sei? I am flawed. I am extremely flawed and I realize this. And maybe I am here because I lost all hopes to begin with." He sipped at his tea, angrily brooding.
"What do you think brought me off the field? I started medicine as an eager field medic, but I lost so many...every time it was like killing my brother. I lost the hope, and transferred to the airships." Sei had almost given up medicine entirely. He had almost given up everything, but he couldn't.
Folken shut his eyes, but he could not shut out the physician's words.
Sei continued, "But I let myself find my hope again. I had to."
Folken felt the doctor was implying far more than he said, still hung up on the comment concerning killing his brother. He did not hear Sei mention finding hope once more. "I did not do this to my brother!"
Sei only had one question for the Strategos about this. "Then why are you getting so worked up about it?"
Folken rubbed his forehead against his hand. "Because you're trying to drive me insane..."
"Is that what you really think?" Sei didn't notice his habit of asking so many questions of everyone.
"I don't know," Folken ground out, "Why don't you tell me?" He was seething.
"That is not my job." Sei knew Folken wouldn't be able to really understand his words unless some of the ideas behind them came from Folken's own mind at some point.
"Yes, but you've been telling me that you see what I do and do not really think and that I do not think at all, so I would think you'd know this as well."
"If I tell you everything, what have I accomplished?"
"Nothing." He was a little vindictive with that answer.
"That is my point. You have to find some answers for yourself." Perhaps then he will accept them as truth.
He stared down at the cup of tea. "I already found my answers. A long time ago." The day the weaker half of me died.
"Perhaps they have changed. Many do with time."
Folken knew that his philosophies had changed in recent years. Now he was having to face just how much they had changed.
Sei was going to stop with his words on change, but he had to try for a real reaction from the sad young man. He softly added, "But you're too afraid..."
"Afraid of what?" His look had changed to one of great anger.
"Change. Losing a chance..." The doctor's voice trailed off, as he realized he wasn't sure what other fears the man held.
Folken was no longer feeling or acting like his usual self. "A chance...?"
"Yes...I'm not sure what for, exactly, but it has a lot to do with your brother. What are you trying to prove to him?"
"I have nothing to prove to him. And I did not abandon him with nothing."
"Just a country to rule and no family to support him."
"Balgus is a wonderful teacher. He will have taught Van anything he needed to know. What good would it have done for me to stay around, Sei?"
"What harm would it have done?"
"I failed. I failed and therefore I would not be a good teacher for him."
"You would succeed because you had failed."
Folken blinked, trying to make sense of the statement. "How the hell does that logic work?"
"You know some of what might make him fail; you would be able to warn him."
"Fine. I could have. Satisfied?" After a pause too short for the other man to reply, he continued, "But it won't change anything now."
"It won't, or you won't let it? No wonder I beat you."
Folken glowered, saying nothing. He would have left, but he didn't really want to, having nowhere else to go at this time. He spoke again once his cup was nearer to being empty. "It won't change anything. I have too much important work to do here and if I tried to go back, I'd most likely be executed anyway."
"What's so important here? Once you die, he'll want to know what you found so much more important than your family."
Folken shot a death glare at Sei. "I think peace on Gaea deserves just a little bit of attention."
"And I think that you just want to die! That's what's killing you, isn't it? You just no longer have the will to live." Sei hadn't intended to have an outburst like this, but he knew this was going on, and he wasn't able to let himself watch anyone lay down and die willingly, let alone someone who had such potential wasting away inside. If he did that, he might as well have run a sword through his brother in cold blood.
Folken grit his teeth. If Dilandau were telling him things like this, he'd be in a bodycast by now...not that Dilandau would notice something like this. "Why are you telling me this?"
"You didn't think I could tell, did you?"
Folken gave no answer. Perhaps if he neither admitted nor denied it, the doctor would move on eventually...he had to be stabbing in the dark.
"I'm a doctor. We learn to recognize it." The worst part of this job, knowing what death looks like...
"Going to put me on report now? A suicide watch, perhaps?"
"It wouldn't do any good, would it? It's beyond just that, isn't it?"
"What do you mean?" He picked up the cup of tea and held it, just staring at it.
"You're not fully human. You've got different biorhythms and biological requirements."
Folken didn't want to concentrate on Sei at all.
"Yes? So?"
"Have you been feeling different or looking different lately, as best you can tell?"
Folken gave him an odd look. "Why?"
"I might be mistaken. Just answer the question."
"I don't care to." Folken had never been one to put faith, or his health, in the hands of the Zaibach healthcare program. He did not intend to start now.
"Or are afraid to." Sei felt that fear was something which almost made Folken, it was so clearly a hidden part of who he was. "If the rumors are true, you're Draconian, right?"
"Yes I am." Folken's words concerned the latter remark of the doctor, but they were true for the first as well. He gripped his teacup, not wanting to hear what the doctor would say.
"In medical school we had to find examples of how other species differ from humans when it comes to health. Draconians, because of their relation to Gaea, need a will to live. They deteriorate and die otherwise. If I recall, you might have some minor blackouts and weakness early in; wings darkening to black..."
Folken didn't want Sei knowing anything about his medical issues. He closed his eyes. "Yes, I do believe I recall hearing about that." He gripped the cup even tighter.
"It has begun, hasn't it?" Sei's question was even sadder than anything else he had been saying. He knew it was begun, but there was little he could do.
Folken dropped the cup. It fell to the floor, smashing into pieces.
Sei took his hand. "It doesn't have to go this way, you know?" Everyone that begins to matter I lose. This was the worst part of being a doctor.
Folken took his hand away from Sei. "Yes it does." Seeing as he had no will to live, there really wasn't any reason he should want to prolong the process of living.
"I do not wish to lose another person I have any caring for."
"Do not bother caring about me then." To Folken, it was as simple as that. Sei ought have that much control, as he always tried for that level of control in himself.
"I can't save you if you don't decide you want to go on living. But it's already too late for not caring. You sought me out."
"I only wanted to discuss things. On a colleague level, not personally. Stick to caring about Dilandau."
"Does it bother you that I care for him?"
"...No." Folken lied. He was not yet ready to admit even to himself that he wanted anyone to care about him.
"You keep coming back, even when you have nothing to say."
"That's because I'm just a tad bit bored."
"Or part of you hasn't given up yet."
"And which part would you think that is?"
"The one you pretend you never had; the one that cares about people as individuals; the one that thinks freely and looks for beauty instead of order. The part that made you give up sorcery."
Folken looked away at the mention of sorcery.
Sei saw this. To him, it was evidence enough that the part of Folken he was so hopeful for was not yet ready to give up completely.
"You're wrong. I don't pretend I never had that part."
"Oh?"
"That part of me is dead now."
"You haven't killed it yet or you would already be dead."
"I can't do my job and feel that way anymore."
"Find a new job; change your job. It's not worth dying for."
"This one is important. And it is worth dying for."
"Not that way." Soldiers die for peace, I know, but that's part of their job description – a Strategos does not begin his career expecting a risk to his own life.
Folken closed his eyes. The doctor was so stubborn in his views, views that too often were black and white.
"It could still be an important job even if it were different."
"And what other sort of job do you have in mind?"
"One that doesn't crush your soul..."
"I already left a job like that. I'm fine with this one."
"Says the man who is dying..." Sei was not one prone to pointing out ironies, so he changed his point. "You're what, maybe half my age? You are not supposed to die yet."
"Damn, you're old." Folken was trying to lighten the mood.
"You try to be much older..." It hadn't worked.
"Dilandau is almost half my age and he will most likely die as well. As will many of the soldiers."
"Doing what he loves...They will at least not be giving up." Though I still will not feel at ease about such deaths...
"It is not always cowardice to give up."
"When it involves death it is."
Folken sighed and rose from the table. "This has been a lovely conversation. But I really do think it should end.."
"And will I see you again?"
"Perhaps." Folken smirked. "Unless you think I'll be hanging myself with a harpsichord wire before the next time we meet."
"I meant, have I caused you to no longer wish to see me?"
"Of course not. Your arguments interest me, even if they do grate against my nerves." He laughed, "And I wouldn't want to deprive you of the chance to attempt to persuade me to your way of thinking. You really are amusing when you think you're right." Folken was attempting to regain his nearly impenetrable air of "I know everything. Ha."
"Ah. Because of course the young one must always be right..."
"But according to you, I am old at heart." He straightened his cloak. "I'll be off now."
"Old and dead is what you are. The dead know nothing."
"The dead don't care."
"Nor do you. Goodnight, Folken."
"Goodnight, Sei. Pleasant dreams." It was the least Folken could wish him, for a part of him felt happy yet sorrowed that this man could still dream.