A/N: I "finished" the war years of HH with my story "The Green, Green Grass of Home" – but I never showed what happened to Crittenden in my version of the HH universe. In a desire to use some of the ideas I had at one point, before retiring from fan fiction (probably for good), being so busy with other stuff, I wanted to do this. It contains a few little ideas and jokes I'd had in mind with other stuff, since it'll probably be my last Hogan's fic. I hope you enjoy all my others, in this section and elsewhere.
BTW, the attempt to kidnap Rommel had to take place before he died (I know, sounds like Yogi Berra) so Crittenden's last known appearance would be spring of '44. This takes place after The Briefcase, which was the July, '44 plot to kill Hitler. One could argue "Look At All the Pretty Snowflakes" occurred in early winter of '44-'45, so that episode, too, may occur before this. It happens at the time of the Battle of the Bulge.)
The Week the Pigs Flew
It was a typical day in Stalag 13. France had been liberated, and the Allied prisoners there were anxious to see how long it would be before the whole of Europe would be free.
Colonel Robert Hogan – runner of a secret rescue and sabotage mission under the Germans' noses at Stalag 13 – smiled as he listened to the two his men often called "Laurel and Hardy." Kommandant Wilhelm Klink – a leader who was only kept there because of his "no escape" record – and his superior, General Burkhalter, were going at it in Klink's office, which Hogan and his men had bugged.
"But, Herr General, I assure you, I just got off the phone with the general staff. They are considering me for a promotion."
"And I suppose next, you will be telling me that pigs are flying over Berlin," Burkhalter said snidely. "Why would they make you general, if the one time you had a shot at glory, you blew it." Burkhalter fumed. "Someone managed to convince the General Staff to meet here, and then managed to convince them and you that the fuehrer had appointed you the new chief of staff!" He became more aggravated as he spoke. "For one whole day the former head of the general staff thought he was the new kommandant of Stalag 13, while the Allies got a foothold in Normandy! Berlin is still investigating that fiasco, and were it not for your complete incompetence, they would suspect that you did it! They even questioned me once!" Burkhalter's face was purple now. "Why I ever let anyone near this place, I cannot imagine!"
"But, Herr General, we have never had a successful escape…" Klink stammered.
Still fuming, before he departed following the briefing he'd had regarding a number of matters, Burkhalter stomped toward the door. "If I didn't know better…I would arrange an escape just to spite you!" He slammed the door hard.
Hogan put the lid on the coffeepot/receiver. "Huh," said Sergeant Andrew Carter. "Could Klink really be up for a promotion?"
"Word from the Underground is it's a real possibility," Ivan Kinchloe responded. The mustached man was in charge of the radio in the tunnel. "London says they've got someone chomping at the bit to come in and replace him."
"From our side?" Englishman Peter Newkirk said.
"Yes, from our side." Robert Hogan shook his head slightly. "Something I don't like about this." Frenchman Louis LeBeau rose from the tunnel under one of the bunks. "Where were you?"
"Well, I went out to pick some mushrooms, and suddenly this officer approached me and said he needed to get in quickly. I thought he was an escapee, I could tell he was British, but then he said he didn't want to use the emergency tunnel. He said he had a pole vault instead."
"A pole vault?!"
"Oui, mon colonel. He was just looking for the right opportunity to vault in. Only he needs one of our German uniforms."
As Hogan rolled his eyes, Newkirk said, "Blimey, only one man who could think that."
"Yeah, and unfortunately, he's with your military," Richard Baker remarked.
"Well, as a matter of fact, pole vaulting into a prison camp isn't a bad idea. The only problem would be where to stash it. See, if you create a big enough diversion…"
Newkirk pulled Carter's cap down as he was talking and said, "Who asked you?"
Hogan shook his head. "All right, go out and get Crittenden to come in through…" The bunk rose again, and Colonel Crittenden appeared. "Forget it."
"Hogan, guess what?!' Crittenden asked as the bunk flew down.
"I'm afraid to ask."
"Why, the Gerrys are going to promote Klink. It's almost a sure thing. You see, some Field Marshall whose wife used to like Klink was really impressed with him…"
"Yeah, yeah, we know," Hogan said, trying to urge the bumbling British colonel to get to his point. He remembered well the German who had worried about whether his girlfriend and Klink still had a thing together. When they didn't, he was so impressed otherwise that he'd sent General Burkhalter a recommendation for Klink's promotion.
Two things prevented that, however. First, the field marshal had little pull otherwise. And, second, Burkhalter knew what a bungler Klink was, and tore it up.
The "no escape" record was only there because the Heroes had a policy of never allowing an escape, thus keeping Klink in command. He knew nothing of their activities; only rotund guard Hans Schultz had seen enough bits and pieces that he could put some things together if he really wanted, but he never did. Schultz was a neutral who was fond of saying, "I know noth-ing!"
However, some people were impressed by the record.
Crittenden grinned broadly. "Isn't it clever, Hogan? I told our boys in London of my idea – pull enough strings, with the field marshal remembering Klink, and with our operative in Berlin, to get Klink promoted, then I could come in posing as a German and become kommandant. Killing two birds with one stone, wot?"
"And they bought it?" Hogan wanted to know.
Crittenden said "yes." "It seems the Gerrys have been in an awful state ever since that plot on Hitler's life last summer. They're looking for anyone remotely competent, and we've managed to convince them Klink has the stuff." He smiled broadly at Hogan, saying, "Naturally, you've had a great deal to do with that."
"And why didn't you come after this took place?" Hogan asked, his arms folded.
Crittenden thought for a moment. "Hmmm, I suppose I could have. But, it seems London wanted me out of their hair as soon as possible, though I can't see why."
"Schultz is comin'," Carter said, looking out the window.
"All right, get down in the tunnel," Hogan commanded. The English colonel complied.
Just after the bunk lowered again, Schultz entered. "Colonel Hogan, emergency roll call in five minutes, and the commandant wants to see you right away. He said something very suspicious was found outside the wire!"
"Let me guess. A pole vault," Hogan responded, figuring it had to be Crittenden.
"How did you know?" Schultz inquired.
"Simple," Hogan said. "The 1944 Summer Olympics got cancelled because you had to go and start World War Two!"
Catching the hint they were supposed to throw the guard off guard, Kinch added, "We were just about to set the Marathon course; a thousand times around the rec hall."
"Oui, and we plan to dig a giant hole in the middle of the compound for swimming," LeBeau added.
"Ha, you jolly jokers."
"In fact, why don't you lay down there, Schultz," Carter said, pointing. "That way we can get the weightlifting preliminaries over with."
Hogan allowed himself to chuckle; his men could trick Schultz easily. This was the kind of stuff where it was okay, and fun, to overact with. "Whoever lifts Schultz would probably win the gold medal."
"You are a jolly joker, too. Now, come!" Schultz insisted. The others followed him out.
Klink walked outside his office and hollered, "Report!" a short time later.
"All present and accounted for, Herr Kommandant," Schultz exclaimed.
"At ease. Now Colonel Hogan, I called this roll call for one very important reason. A pole vault was discovered outside this camp. What do you know about this?"
"Well, a pole vault would be a long pole that can be stuck in the ground to anchor something. It's obvious – someone wanted to plant a flag."
"Colonel Hogan, why would someone want to plant a flag?"
"Maybe for the Olympics?" Schultz suggested. When Klink shouted "silence" at him, the rotund guard continued. "They said they would use me for the weightlifting competition."
"That I believe," Klink said as a field marshal's car pulled up. The others recognized him as the field marshal on whose car they had planted a "just married" sign when he drove out. "Ah, what a pleasure to see you," Klink declared.
The field marshal grinned broadly as he stepped out of the car. "Kommandant Klink, my wife has remarked that she has some questions about your capacity to lead. However, I see that you have called for a roll call at a very unusual time; very efficient, I see."
"Yes, Herr Field Marshal, that is my middle name. You know, there has never been a successful escape from Stalag 13!"
"Nor will there be under your command." The field marshal strode up to the prisoners. "Take one last, long look at your kommandant. I am about to take him to Berlin!"
As the field marshal spoke a few words, Hogan sighed. This wasn't like the time Klink almost got promoted by the inspector general – this time, they knew who they were getting. However, that could actually make things worse – or, at least more confusing. He was determined to stop it if he could. "LeBeau, get lost."
"Oui, mon colonel."
Schultz, however, was watching, and followed after him. "Halt," he shouted as LeBeau tried to run out the main gate.
"Stop that man! Put him in the cooler," Klink hollered as he followed after Schultz.
Hogan groused, "Fine time for Schultz to be paying attention."
The other men continued to whisper, out of earshot as Klink spoke for a moment. "It was probably just so he could get more strudel tonight," Kinch observed.
"Yeah, I would have gone," Baker offered.
"Hey, maybe Crittenden will work out okay after all," Carter remarked.
Klink's aide, Captain Gruber, saluted the field marshal, then Klink, as he was given command temporarily. All of a sudden, however, a German-looking fellow with a mustache and what were actually two fake dueling scars walked into camp in a colonel's uniform. He's placed extra fake hair around it to make the mustache look bushier than his real one. "Could that be," Newkirk wondered in a mumbled voice.
Crittenden snapped to attention. "Colonel Ludwig Decker reporting for duty, Sir!" he declared in German. "My car broke down."
"Colonel Decker, it will be a privilege to serve under you, I am sure," Captain gruber said. "We shall see to your car…"
"No; that is an order, do not go near it!" Hogan was impressed until he heard the next words out of Crittenden's mouth. "Do not worry, I have it hidden away safely, in case any prisoners try to escape!" Luckily Gruber didn't catch the fact that the prisoners couldn't drive away in a broken-down car, but Crittenden realized his mistake and corrected himself. "Er, what I mean is, they could still hide in it, even if they cannot drive it away."
"Obviously pulled a suit off the rack. We'll need to have a tailor line him up with a real one," Hogan muttered, noticing that the suit was nearly bursting at the seams.
As salutes were exchanged and Crittenden showed his papers, Klink walked up to Hogan. He was amazed – it had happened so fast. Then again, had it? The recommendation that was torn up by General Burkhalter had been over a year ago, and he supposed another one would have been written after that. Not only that, but someone had to have noticed what Klink thought were his superior skills.
"Well, Hogan, this is it! I have finally made it to general." He grinned toothily, and invited Hogan over to the side, away from the others. "After many years, I have finally achieved what I always dreamed. Colonel Hogan, I want to thank you for all that you have done for me through the years. Though we were on different sides, I still felt I could count on you. And, though we are of differing ranks now, I want you to know that I will always remember our friendship. In fact, I am still hopeful that after the war, we could get together, perhaps in Palm Springs?" Klink finished in a whisper, not wanting to seem like he was fraternizing.
Hogan didn't know what to think. He merely acted nonchalant, not really caring one way or the other. "Well, Sir, it'll be a real change around here."
"That it will. Hogan, obviously, I do not know his temperament. So, I am just saying this as a word of caution; I know you do not want to do anything that will bring harm to you and your men," Klink said lowly. He didn't want to think that Germany could lose, but something in his gut told him Hogan was right, that it was hopeless, despite what their leaders said. Schultz knew in his gut that it was good for Hitler to lose, and that Hogan was helping to beat Germany. Klink wasn't willing to go quite that far, but he knew in his gut Germany under Hitler was not the best place, and that Hogan's comments were right some of the time. "Not that the war is over, but…" He began to think about France, which had been liberated, and wondered what would become of him if Germany did lose.
Hogan wondered, too; he could testify Klink wasn't worthy of war crimes charges, but this promotion made that much harder. He had been very humane throughout the war, and that could be verified with him remaining at Stalag 13. It wouldn't be verifiable with Klink in Berlin, and he might be called on to do things that hurt or killed enemy soldiers.
He wished there was a way to keep Klink here. As much as he disliked him sometimes because he was an enemy, Hogan had to admit there was a part of him that felt sorry for Klink. A small part, but a part. He was a perfect dupe for them, but that also meant he could fall sway to the Nazis very easily, even if deep down Klink was the kind of person who would easily find them detestable; and, given Klink's feelings about Hochstetter, Hogan knew that he'd start feeling that way about the others.
Just as Klink took his leave, Crittenden stood in front of the men. "I have not dismissed you yet. I want each of you to do one hundred pushups! Down!" Crittenden commanded.
"What?!'
"I heard that. Get down, 100 pushups, on the double!"
Hogan sighed as he watched Klink ride out of camp while starting his pushups. He would have to have a very long talk with Crittenden.
Tired and sore from the calisthenics Crittenden had had the men do, Hogan walked slowly into the kommandant's office. "Hogan, you're supposed to knock."
"Why? I never did with Klink."
"Oh dash it all, Hogan," Crittenden said as he rose from his seat, "how am I supposed to make it look like I'm a serious kommandant with you barging in here like this?"
Hogan pointed at the uniform. A couple rips had developed in embarrassing places. "For one thing, let our tailors make you something that fits."
"Well, I had to pick the first one I saw, even if it didn't fit well. Come, Hogan, I thought with your operation you would have thought of that."
Hogan had to concede that point. "But, what's with the exercise?"
"Why, we have to put on a good show, ol' boy. Never know when one of the guards could be Gestapo, you know."
"Crittenden, did it ever occur to you that they never suspected Klink?"
"Why, no, come to think of it, it didn't." Crittenden thought for a moment. "You know, you're right, Hogan. As long as that record remains intact, no more exercises."
"Good."
"And, I'll try to help in whatever way I can." Crittenden picked up the phone. "Get me Sergeant Schultz."
The secretary tried hard to hide her mirth. "Herr Kommandant, he is right outside your office door."
"Oh." Crittenden opened and looked out the door, then went back to the phone while Hogan held his head in his hand. "So he is. Thank you, that will be all." He then called out, "Schultz."
"You called for me, Kommandant Decker."
"Yes. There is a prisoner in the cooler. Release him at once."
You want me to what?"
"You want him to what?!'
"Release him, I said. You need your men, I'm sure."
Schultz was dumbfounded. "He needs them for what?"
"Well…you know, whatever he does that you don't know about. Hogan, go with him."
As Hogan and Schultz walked out into the compound, Schultz muttered, "Your side?"
"Are you kidding? Our side would send someone who can act," Hogan said in response, not wanting Schultz to know that was Colonel Crittenden.
Wilhelm Klink was frustrated. After only spending one night in Berlin, he was beginning to see things he disliked. What happened to the good old days, when there was peace? The aura and fame of being a general was scintillating, but for some reason, he just didn't like much of the attitude in Berlin; it sounded like the harsh tone he heard from the Gestapo, mixed in with lots of empty words. Indeed, he'd been briefed on the military situation, and he realized that Germany was in much worse shape than expected. The "glorious breakout" promised in Belgium did seem to be materializing, but even if the Germans won that, it might only delay the inevitable.
At the ceremony naming him general that evening, Klink spoke for two hours but said nothing of import. Of course, those in Berlin seemed to be used to that kind of thing. One general noted that, "He's a pompous windbag, but we've got more than a few of those."
"So," the field marshal asked the next morning, "What will be your first order as general?"
Klink wasn't sure what to say, so he simply suggested, "Maybe I could go and inspect Stalag 13?"
"Nonsense, you are here now, in Berlin. Do not think of going back to that old place. Perhaps you would like to have a look around the command center here; you will find some glorious things going on at Bastogne."
Klink tried to hide his dour face as he went with the field marshal. A soldier saluted him and said, "Herr General." This brightened Klink some – he was still amazed at his uniform; if only Major Hochstetter could see this, he thought to himself. Hochstetter and his goons were one of the main things wrong with Germany; there was nothing of the old Prussian honor with them.
"General Klink," a major said, "come, this might interest you."
Klink followed the man, who took him over to a telegraph. He sensed that the people there were efficient – when it was mentioned that the new commander had relayed that he wanted to keep Schultz there, Klink had no problem leaving him behind.
"We have surrounded and just requested the surrender of the American forces at Bastogne. He gave us a one word answer – 'nuts.'"
Klink stared at the man, just he would have Schultz when he was being a dumbkopf. "Well, what are you waiting for?"
"I am sorry, Herr General, I do not follow."
"Major, if the general is asking for nuts in return for his surrender, give him nuts."
"I am sorry, Herr General, his aide explained what their commander meant, and…"
"Major, might I remind you that I am a general?" He pointed to his uniform with great pride. "I had a record nobody could come close to at my old command; and finally, after all these years, the glorious Third Reich has seen my superior skills, and imparted on me this great honor!"
"General, you were saying…" the field marshal interrupted, very anxious to stop Klink from repeating last night's speech.
"Oh, yes." Mustering his most forceful tone, Klink ordered, "I want every last man you can spare to round up all the nuts you can. I want you to search the local nut shops, and inform them that we are commandeering their nuts for the war effort. Tell the general we will send them in trucks, in return for his surrender." He turned to the field marshal. "You see, Herr Field Marshal, you have to know how to handle these situations. If that general's aide told him that it meant something different than actual nuts, than certain, that man was lying to throw us off guard. I am all too familiar with the Americans – they will try to trick you at every turn. Oh, I could tell so many stories of some of the things Colonel Hogan used to say or do to throw me off guard; he was the senior POW there, you know. But, I always told him, you have to get up pretty early in the morning to fool me…"
After Klink rambled for a couple minutes, the field marshal breathed a sigh of relief as the major reported that he'd phoned several places to obtain the nuts, and was calling the Americans back to inform them.
"Well…Hogan is another man's problem now," the field marshal said, getting irritated at how much Klink spoke about himself.
Meanwhile, at Stalag 13, things were getting more than a little confused
"Hey, Schultz, what gives?" Hogan asked as Schultz came into the barracks that afternoon. "You never woke us for roll call. We've been waiting all day."
"Yeah; the day there's no roll calls in the Army is the day pigs fly," Kinch said.
"Hey, why not, we already saw one parachute jump once," Newkirk said, point at Schultz. "An' he thought he was too big to parachute jump."
"So, why no roll call?" Hogan wanted to know.
"That is because Colonel Decker has decided there will be no more roll calls at all."
"Hey, now we can finally get some sleep," LeBeau noted.
As the others echoed him, Hogan said, "All right, knock it off. I guess I'll have to go talk to him myself and demand the return of our morning roll calls." He put on his hat and stepped into the threshold.
The guard's eyes bulged. "Colonel Hogan…you want roll calls?" Schultz inquired, suddenly very confused. Now I'm the one who expects to see pigs flying, he told himself.
"Of course. I got to sleep till 8:00 this morning. When I don't wake up at six I feel like half my day is shot."
Colonel Hogan walked into the kommandant's office soon before Major Hochstetter was pulling into the camp. "What's this about canceling roll calls?"
"Why, it's simple, Hogan. I knew you might need to blow something up last night, so I let you have a little more shuteye this morning. In case anything should go amiss, you must be at your peak level."
"And it never occurred to you that that might seem a tad suspicious? Crittenden, you were allowed to come here because they thought you could act at least a little bit like an enemy. But, you've gone from too tough to doing nothing; right now you don't seem to be acting like one at all."
"Are you saying I can't act? Why I remember when we produced 'Hamlet' in high school. I was one of those two goons, Guildencrantz and Rosenstern, or something like that."
"Rosencrantz and Guildenstern "
"Ah, good show, you remember reading 'Hamlet in school, too, I see. Yes, you know, they're the ones who tried to take Hamlet somewhere to have him killed. I don't recall that I had any lines, but I was smashing! How about you, did you ever perform in a high school play?"
"Yes, Hamlet."
"Oh, that is superb. Tell you what, this evening we shall sit down and compare our experiences. What role did you play?"
Tiredly, Hogan said, "I just told you. I was Hamlet."
"Oh, that is quite smashing."
Hochstetter barged into the office, and Crittenden almost spoke in his normal English before remembering he had to switch to German. "Where is Kommandant Klink?" Hochstetter demanded.
"He has been relieved of his command."
"It is about time," Hochstetter said with a growl.
"He has been promoted to general," Crittenden continued.
Hochstetter's eyes bulged. "What?! The war will be over within hours if he is a general!" Suddenly recalling why he was here, the major asked, "Were all of your prisoners here last night…"
"Decker, Ludwig Decker."
"The Ludwig Decker? The one who…no, it cannot be. It cannot be 'Wrong Way Decker.'" Hochstetter held his head like he suddenly had a headache.
"What's that?" Hogan wanted to know.
The major pointed at Hogan. "What is this man doing here?"
"First, I want to know who wrong way Decker is," Crittenden demanded.
"WHAT IS THIS MAN DOING HERE?!"
"Major, please, you'll shatter my eardrums," Hogan said, pretending that the major had hurt his ears.
"Never mind that, where were you last night around midnight?"
"Here in the camp, why?"
"A factory was sabotaged, and I suspect you had something to do with it," Hochstetter seethed.
"Why him?" Crittenden wanted to know.
The major held his gloves in Crittenden's face. "Because, I suspect him of everything. This is the most dangerous man in all of Germany. Now, were all of your prisoners here this morning?"
"Oh, I am sure of it." Crittenden thought for a moment. "They were, weren't they?"
"Why are you asking a prisoner?"
Hogan knew Hochstetter would really get suspicious if he knew Crittenden had cancelled the roll call. So, he ad libbed, "Everything's fine, Kommandant Decker just has a little trouble with his memory sometimes."
"And with directions, if he is the same man. 'Wrong Way Decker' was told to report to the western front back in 1940, and he almost tried to invade Turkey single-handedly. He has caused the German military many headaches. And, if my theory is correct, this man may be him. Let me see your papers."
Crittenden felt around his uniform. "Papers? Oh, yes, papers. Well…I seem to have misplaced them." Hochstetter glowered at him as Hogan went over to Crittenden's coat and pulled out some identity papers after a moment. "I could have sworn I had them a moment ago."
Hogan handed them to him. "Could this be what you're looking for?"
"Why, yes, Colonel Hogan, thank you!" Crittenden showed Hochstetter his papers.
"Since when does a prisoner know where your papers are?"
"I didn't, I had to look in a couple pockets before I found them." Hogan was curious. "Do you have a picture of this Decker?" He had never run across a situation where they accidentally used the name of someone like this, but he was familiar with such ad libbing from the time Newkirk wound up with the ID badge of a man who had just enlisted in the German military – he almost wound up as a guard at Stalag 13!.
"No, I have only heard…" The major fumed at himself for starting to respond to Hogan as if he was a fellow German. "Bah, there is so much bungling here, I almost yearn for…" Hochstetter stopped himself. "No, I cannot say it. Nothing can make me say that I yearn for Klink, nothing! All right, so you have some problems with short-term memory, let me test your long term memory. Where did you report for duty last?"
"Why, France, of course."
"It figures; Decker was supposed to be sent to the Eastern Front!"
"Won't be too long, Major, and the two fronts will meet," Hogan teased.
"Bah, wait till I am through with all of you! I promise, Decker, I will investigate, and if you turn out to be the Decker I have heard about, heads will roll. Even if you are not the one I have heard about, heads will roll!" He ordered his guards to remain and not let Crittenden leave, and then stormed out of the office, slamming the door.
Crittenden loosened his collar; "Hogan," he whispered, "there are now Gestapo guards in this camp; they will be watching me."
"Yeah, I know." Hogan thought for a second. "Hold it, hold it. I wonder if we could use this Decker."
As they discussed the situation, the two Gestapo guards stationed themselves near the main gate. Carter came in with a mop and pail. "Sorry to barge in like this," he told Colonel Hogan, who showed a little annoyance.
"It's okay, Carter, you might as well stay." Hogan updated Carter on the situation.
"Really? Well, that's an even more confusing mess than what we've got back you know where."
"Why, what's going on?"
"Well, you know that Russian lady?"
Hogan rolled his eyes. "Why me?"
Crittenden was curious. "Uh, excuse me, what Russian lady?"
Hogan motioned for Carter to be quiet, but as usual, Carter paid no attention. "Oh, well, her name's Marya. She's really good looking. And, she's got a crush on LeBeau and one on Colonel Hogan."
"Oh." Crittenden noticed Hogan's unease. "You, uh, don't like this woman?"
"That's putting it mildly. Having her in charge of anything is so confusing, it makes Carter look like me."
"I say, she sounds like a rather loose cannon, given your tone. Still, if she does a good job, and you're not interested…"
"And leave the two of you to run an operation? The way you just left your pole vault sit out, cancelled roll calls, and just walked in here, you arouse more suspicion than she does."
"Oh, no, Hogan, my boy, you misunderstand me. I was thinking after the war, you know, you could introduce us, and we might get along rather splendidly."
Carter nodded quickly. "I think that's a good idea, don't you, Colonel?"
"Yeah; they deserve each other," he replied with arms folded. "And just how am I supposed to bring her in here?"
"Why, it's simple, my good man. You tell Schultz that you heard something strange. He goes where you point, and finds her. He then brings her to my office, where I am to interrogate her. You, of course, will be there to make sure I don't mistreat her. Then, once formal introductions are made, we could retire to Klink's former quarters, and have a nice lunch while we get to know each other."
"I think it makes sense," Carter said.
"No. Ridiculous. She'd…"
"Hogan, darling," Marya exclaimed as she barged into the office.
"Doesn't anyone knock?"
"I hate to say it," Crittenden said in a low voice, "but you started it."
"Who is this? He looks a lot more handsome than Klink," Marya said bluntly. "He could stand to lose a few pounds, but otherwise…"
"Ahem. Crittenden. Rodney Crittenden, colonel, RAF, at your service."
"Going by the name of Ludwig Decker," Hogan hastily reminded the Englisnman.
"Oh, right. Of course. Colonel Ludwig Decker, at your service."
Marya was stunned. "What a coincidence, I know a Ludwig Decker, too. He's a little younger looking, and not as high a rank, but I've managed to use him for a number of purposes."
"Wait…you know where he is?"
"Well, what do you know; Marya comes in and seems helpful right away. Pretty strange week, huh?"
"Yeah 'Hogan told Carter, "When we look back we'll call this the week the pigs flew."
"Hogan, trust me, right now he is in hiding because he does not want to go to the Russian front. Who can blame him? In a short while it will come to him. But, right now, he is helping to put together truckloads of ammunition and weapons to be shipped to our troops in Belgium. Along with nuts that one of the generals in Berlin has ordered to be shipped to one of the American generals in Belgium."
"What do they want with nuts? And why were they shipping them to the Americans?"
"As part of the surrender terms. Only, I have come to you to make sure that only the nuts and not the supplies get through."
Carter turned to Hogan. "Are you as confused as I am?"
"More. Look, we're trying to get any help we can to our people on the ground in Belgium, so this offensive that caught us by surprise doesn't last. I don't see how we're supposed to stop an entire convoy of troops."
"Hogan, don't you see, they will have to go by the main road near Hammelburg to get there. Now, each of the trucks is specially marked, if they have the nuts. I had my Decker do it himself. What I need you to do is to pose as guards and stop the shipments with the guns, but not the nuts. It will be easy as falling off a log."
"She's right you know. Smashing plan," Crittenden concurred. "Maybe we could even pack the containers with explosives, set to go off behind German lines."
"And how would we make sure they didn't go off on the Allied lines? And here's another question – what's the Gestapo going to think? And where do we hide the guns and ammo?" Hogan stopped a minute. "And, finally, what happens if Major Hochstetter comes back and thinks Crittenden here is your Decker?"
"Small details, you will think of something," the Russian said.
"She's right, Colonel, you always do."
"Carter…" Hogan didn't know what to say to him, so he let it slide. "Okay, so when are the convoys coming?"
That night, several large trucks were due to pass by on the main road. Marya informed Hogan that they could be used as part of the Gestapo checkpoints. The Underground was given details so they could assist; Hogan's plan was to stop the convoy, somehow exchange drivers, and keep the guns and any troops stockpiled for Undersground use.
Hogan, Carter, Newkirk, and LeBeau were dressed in Gestapo uniforms, with Marya and Crittenden along to help. "I just got word from our contact in Berlin," she told them as they went through the woods. They had to put another driver in the lead, and not Decker, because Decker couldn't figure out which way west was, with it getting dark so fast."
The Heroes walked up to the Gestapo checkpoint. "Mind if we stay around; we caught this girl snooping near here."
"Very well; once this checkpoint is secure, we will assist in a search for others."
Hogan pulled a gun on the Gestapo man. "That won't be necessary." Hogan and his men tied up the Gestapo and hid them in the truck they'd borrowed from the motor pool.
As the first truck pulled up Hogan asked for papers. Newkirk and Marya worked the second, Carter and LeBeau the third. They planned to allow the trucks with nuts to pass, but not the ones with guns and ammo. "I am Colonel Hoganmeyer, and this is Colonel Decker, here to assist me. He runs Stalag 13.
Marya couldn't wait – she and Newkirk stopped the next truck, and she insisted, "Let me see what is in the back!" The driver took a swing at her.
"He did not mean that you should deck her," Newkirk complained.
At that moment, Hochstetter pulled up.Carter ran up from the third truck to tell Hogan. "We've got company," he whispered.
Hogan walked merrily up to Hochstter. "Ah, Major Hochstetter! Where brings you here?"
"I am here to make sure everything is secure. Do they have their papers?"
Hogan suddenly had an idea. Instead of checking each truck individually, he could use the major's pull to get the drivers to like up in two lines, one for nuts, one for weapons. "Actually, Major, you can help us deal with a situation. We need to line al the trucks with nuts into one line, and then have all the trucks with guns and ammunition to stay behind one moment."
"What nuts?!' Hochstetter demanded.
"Why, the ones we are giving the Americans in return for their surrender."
Decker caught Hogan's thinking, too. "Yes, inspect every vehicle and make sure they get in separate lines."
"Bah, why would I take orders from you, you are worse than Klink, Decker!"
Marya got down impulsively, since at the last usage of "Decker" someone had swung at her. "What can I say, it's a dangerous war," she told Newkirk.
"And, what is this Russian woman doing here. Do you not realize that the Russians are on the other side?"
"We had to bring her here, major, we were ordered to have an extra patrol; there were only two guards. However, we caught her along the way and could n't take her back and still reach this convoy."
"Well, for once there is some right thinking in this area. I will take her off your hands."
"Oh, no you won't," Crittenden exclaimed. "This is my prisoner, I found her, and I am taking her back to Stalag 13."
"What? You dare to defy the Gestapo?!"
"Those are my orders, Major. I am a colonel, after all."
Marya held up her hands. "Wait. Wait. I will talk." Hogan smiled as she said what she did next – her knew it was the exact opposite, from having looked in the first truck. "The ones with guns are specially marked." She identified the markings.
Hogan turned to the driver of the first truck. "Is there a special marking like she is saying involved in these shipments?"
The real Decker came up to them. "Yes, Herr colonel," decker said. "The ones with the red cashews on them are guns." He seemed uncertain for a second. "Yes…yes, that is it."
"All the trucks with red cashews on them…"
"Gesundheit," Cruittenden said in flawless German.
Hochstetter glared at him. "That was not a sneeze! All the ones with those nuts on them, send to the front. The rest of you, remain here, until I call Berlin and question them about the nuts." Hochstetter and his men went to his car, and sped off.
Crittenden rolled his eyes, but Marya said, "See, I told you the real Decker got things confused. It was the ones without the nuts on them that contained the guns and ammunition."
Hogan looked at her. "So, you mean to tell me we still have the guns and ammo?"
Carter came from looking one of the trucks. "She's right, Colonel. The nuts are on their way to the front.
As Hogan gave the signal for the Underground men to come out of hiding and take the trucks, Newkirk quipped, "I'm not surprised there were that many nuts in Berlin."
The next morning, close to noon, Hochstetter barged in to the kommandant's office. "Where are all the guns and ammunition?!"
Hogan and his men had been listening on the coffeepot. He knew there could be trouble. Guys, be ready to get Crittenden down into the tunnel real fast, if Hochstetter suspects him. Keep listening in." He put on his cap and left.
"And you are telling me you have absolutely no idea where they went?!"
"Oh, hi, Major? Am I interrupting?"
"Yes, I am here searching for something."
"I bet you came to borrow my mom's apple pie recipe."
Hochstetter's eyes bulged. "Bah, I don't care about your mother's apple pie recipe!"
Schutlz – who was standing inside the door this time, said, "I bet it is not as good as LeBeau's strudel, anyway."
Hochstetter glared daggers at him, and hollered at Crittenden, "The only things that showed up on the front were cashews and…"
"Gesundheit," Hogan said with a smile as Klink walked in. "Oh, morning, General Klink.
"Hello, Hogan. Ah, Major, I hope everything went well with the convoy?"
"No, everything did not go well with the convoy!" the major exclaimed.
"What convoy?" Hogan asked, playing dumb.
"This time, it was General Burkhalter's turn to enter in midsentence. "The convoy that was…why am I answering to a prisoner? Decker! You are worse than Klink!"
"What are you talking about; nobody is worse than this dumbkopf?" Burkhalter declared.
Klink was totally befuddled. "What happened?"
"I will tell you what happened! Yesterday a shipment of ammunition and weapons was sent to the Germans in belguim! When the trucks arrived last night, the only thing in them were boxes and boxes of nuts! While the soldiers were hunting for any type of weapon, the Allies were able to overpower them!"
"But, Herr General…"
"Klink, anytime you go near Berlin, you are singlehandedly losing us the war!" Burkhalter pulled off his general's insignia. "That field marshal who recommended you is now in disgrace! Some are even claiming he is a spy."
Hogan shrugged. "You just can't trust anyone these days." Inside, he was grinning ear to ear at the thought of meeting that American general after the war, and telling him what craziness had resulted from his one word telegram of "nuts!"
Burkhalter commanded further that, "You will go back to being a colonel, and you will sit here until the war is over, and for the next war, too!"
Hochstetter rose to Klink's defense. "Herr General, there was ammunition going to the front, as well, in that convoy, until…"
"Gee, Major, you're coming to Klink's defense? Now that's something that calls for flying pigs," Hogan said. As the major ranted for a moment, he whispered to Crittenden, "Looks like we wont' need you any more, better run and get down to you know where."
"Right." Crittenden walked out of the office as Burkhalter and Hochstetter screamed about whose fault it was that the ammunition hadn't gotten any further than Hammelburg. He quickly ran over to Barracks 2 and disappeared down the emergency tunnel. Just in case, Hogan and his men hid the tunnels.
Hochstetter pointed at the empty desk. "All I know is, that man right there was the last man seen with the…" Hochstetter glanced over – in his rage, he hadn't paid attention to the man sneaking out. "Where did he go?"
"Looks like you get to scream 'What is this man doing not here?' for a change," Hogan teased.
"I would not act so innocent if I were you, Hogan! Guards!" Two Gestapo guards entered. You two and Schultz go around this camp and look for Colonel Decker, do not come back until you find him!"
"Even if it means missing our lunch?"
Hochstetter shouted, "Get out!" at Schultz. "What have you to say for your activities while that traitor was here, Hogan?"
"Well," Hogan said, folding his arms, "I don't know, it's our word against his as far as who was last seen with that ammunition."
"Well, I…" He suddenly looked a little worried. "That is true."
"And, you haven't seen the other drivers, either." Hogan knew the Underground had eventually driven the trucks to the Allies and delivered them to American forces. "The ones which Klink gave orders to were the ones that got through – he did a fine job making sure the Allies got their supply of nuts. You just had one problem."
"What was that?!"
"You have way too many nuts yourself in Berlin."
Hochstetter fumed a moment, then shouted, "Bah!" and left, with the general right behind him.
Klink sat down slowly in his deat, what Burkhalter had done just now dawning on him. "Hogan…General Burkhalter outranked me still. He has the power. Hogan, do you really think I am to go back to being a colonel?"
"Well, you win some, you lose some."
"Hogan, my lifelong dream was to make general. And, I did. For one day, I was a general. And now? Oh, Hogan, what ever could have gone wrong?"
"You really want to know?" He nodded. Hogan debated whether to butter him up or not. He did that quite a bit when he wanted something, or just to make Klink feel so self-important that he let his guard down. Now, however, it seemed like the best approach was to let him think about things himself. "Kommandant, what you went through was just what a few generals did when Lincoln was going through them left and right in the early days of our Civil War. Make one good move, you're looked at a bit more. Make one mistake, you're back here."
"Yes, yes, I see what you mean."
"Kommandant, I know you might not admit it to me, but you have to at least admit it to yourself. They're getting pretty desparate, aren't they?"
Klink nodded, a grim look on his face. He tried to hide his feelings, but he had to admit it. "Things were not the way I expected them to be."
"Sure, you tried to do someone a favor, because that's the kind of man you are. They didn't want that!"
"Again, you're right."
"But look at it this way. You probably got a lot of pictures taken."
"Oh, yes, I ordered hundreds. Just to send to my old classmates. Only now, I am no longer a general."
"No, but you got something better, Kommandant!" he turned toward Hogan. "Now, we're back together!"
Klink spoke sarcastically, "Thank you for that attempt at cheering me up, but you are not helping."
"Oh, I know it doesn't feel so good now. But, when I stand up for you before the war crimes, people, it will." He saluted and left, leaving Klink to ponder the situation.
Years Later
Hans Schultz, with his company mostly rebuilit and thriving again, and his head bookkeeper, Wilhelm Klink, sat with now-General Robert Hogan, Carter, and LeBeau in the home of Sergeant Carter's mother. "Oh, that meal was beautiful," Schultz said merrily. "And the dessert. Oh, I am even more stuffed now than I was!"
"Oui, now tell us, which do you like better, my apple strudel or Carter's mother's apple pie?" LeBeau asked hastily.
"Well…let me try a little more of each. This time, I will try them blindfolded."
LeBeau rolled his eyes and walked into the living room. "This is the third time for him to need a second helping of desert. And the first two times, he had about five helpings, then fell asleep before he could pick a winner," he protested to Klink and Hogan.
"Just like old times, huh?" Hogan said.
"Yes, yes. Robert," Klink began – they were on a first name basis by now, "I want to thank you again for standing up for me. I must admit, I was somewhat nervous when the thought of war crimes came. I know that I tried to maintain an air of fairness, but there were times when, obviously, I could not be seen as impartial. Therefore…"
"Just get to the point."
"The point?" Klink had to think for a moment, he got so lost in his rambling. "Ah, yes. Well, I was more than happy to testify against numerous of the Gestapo agents and General Burkhalter. I still cannot believe how horrible our leaders were."
"I agree." Hogan saw Carter and his new bride coming down the steps. "How's the baby."
"Sound asleep. Is Schultz the same, or did he finally pick a winner."
"Well, he's making his third try of it, but since LeBeau has to leave to go back to France tomorrow, I have a feeling we'll never have a winner for the taste test," Hogan spoke prophetically.
"Oh, that reminds me; guess who I saw in London? Colonel Crittenden and his Russian wife, Marya." Klink paused for a moment. "She is really thankful you brought them together, Robert. Apparently Stalin was quite edgy about her interaction with Germans."
Hogan looked amused. He could say it now. "I think we all were with her."
"True. You know, Robert, I have been meaning to ask you something. You have told me some about your operation. Were you behind my becoming a general?"
"Surprisingly, no. That was all Colonel Crittenden's doing. I would have come up with a much more logical plan."
"I'm sure you would have."
"Now, I've been meaning to ask you – what made you send the Americans nuts?"
"Well, it was the first thing I thought of. In the back of my mind, I hoped it would be seen as a token of good will." Klink looked melancholy for a moment. "When I arrived in Berlin, things were so different than what I'd been led to believe. There was just something, I could not put my finger on it. Something told me that these were not the kind of men I wanted ruling the world. I suppose, in my desire to be part of the solution, I wanted to show that we were a caring and giving people. Even if that was not what was meant when he said 'nuts.'"
"You know, Wilhelm, in the years since the war ended, I've come to see a different side of you. And, maybe it started with that gesture, as much as the leaders disliked it." Hogan and Klink paused – they heard snoring in the kitchen. They went out to investigate, and saw Schultz sleeping like a baby.
"look at that, Robert. Just look at him."
Hogan snickered. "I don't think he'll ever stop eating long enough to declare a winner."
"Me, neither."
Klink considered the myriad things he'd seen and heard in Berlin in just one day. The rhetoric just seemed so different from his own experiences – he knew from his time at Stalag 13 that the prisoners weren't all bad, and that indeed the Allies weren't. Yes, Hogan was sneaky at times, but he'd also come to care about the man. And, the Germans allowed groups such as the Gestapo to go around scaring everyone – that had been true even more in Berlin than what little he'd seen with Major Hochstetter.
The war's end was only four months away – three for those at Stalag 13 – by the time the investigation was over, and he realized he wouldn't be a general again. But, that gave him time to think, and simply try and preserve his perfect record once more. That was all he really cared about in the last months of the war. When the end finally came, he'd learned enough that it was easy for him to simply open the main gates and tell the guards to throw down their weapons. He'd come to dislike the war, and the more he learned since then, he truly hated the villains that had run his country into the ground, and now caused it to be split between several powers. Unification would not come till 1990, years after Klink was gone, and only Hogan, his men, and Schultz's children were around to celebrate it together.
"At least he is sleeping peacefully," Klink added. "I suppose it took that day as general to help me finally realize that ambition wasn't all I thought it would be. There was something I wanted even more than being a general."
Hogan knew what Klink meant. He picked up a glass, and raised it. Klink did the same. "I agree. To peace, Wilhelm."
"To peace."